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I've come to the conclusion that I've been grieving over the loss over one of the best friends I've ever made. I sometimes think that they're actually dead, but that may not be the case. But at this point, dead or alive, the result is the same. I lost a friend and I'm grieving over the fact.
I've spent the last year looking for any and everything to replace it and all along it was something that I could never replace.
I don't know what else to say except this is like kicking dead whales down the beach.
I've come to the conclusion that I've been grieving over the loss over one of the best friends I've ever made. I sometimes think that they're actually dead, but that may not be the case. But at this point, dead or alive, the result is the same. I lost a friend and I'm grieving over the fact.
I've spent the last year looking for any and everything to replace it and all along it was something that I could never replace.
I don't know what else to say except this is like kicking dead whales down the beach.
Over the past week, I realized I'm slipping into apathy. I don't feel much pleasure, don't care about much, and don't look forward to the future. I don't often feel good, but conversely I don't feel bad either.
The strange part is that sometimes I can feel part of the original happiness underneath. My hypothesis is that I built up a strong barrier to intimacy after my soykafty childhood, and it's impossible to feel real happiness again until I correct that. I saw a comment the other day that most apathy stems from a huge problem not dealt with, and it almost makes sense here.
I just have no clue where to begin.
The strange part is that sometimes I can feel part of the original happiness underneath. My hypothesis is that I built up a strong barrier to intimacy after my soykafty childhood, and it's impossible to feel real happiness again until I correct that. I saw a comment the other day that most apathy stems from a huge problem not dealt with, and it almost makes sense here.
I just have no clue where to begin.
>>10449
I know the feeling OP. Its true people are irreplaceable, every connection is unique. All you can do is hope for a relationship that surprises you in a different way. im not positive, but I have a hope and a suspicion that the more people I meet, the less I will hurt when they leave, and the better il make of each relationship, and il look back with a smile glad for the relationships i had, knowing il always meet more amazing people. For now I just really miss my friend, but maybe things are getting better.
try to use every hardship to learn about yourself and be a better person. Even in the roughest times, to come out better seems to me to be a pinnacle of humanity. that may sound like some over positive bullsoykaf, but im being honest. i think you can often notice people look back on their hardships with a sense of pride, even if they paint it as terrible people love to share the bad things they went through right? because they made it through, they still are alive and are stronger now. even if you make and lose a friend again in the future the feeling will probably be different, you went through it already and you know its not the end.
but i wont lie to you. a month later I still find myself waking up crying sometimes, wondering where my friend is. whenever i make a decision i still ask her for advice in my head, and i often wonder if shed be proud of me when i accomplish something. even though at the same time i hate her for leaving, i clearly still miss her.
I know the feeling OP. Its true people are irreplaceable, every connection is unique. All you can do is hope for a relationship that surprises you in a different way. im not positive, but I have a hope and a suspicion that the more people I meet, the less I will hurt when they leave, and the better il make of each relationship, and il look back with a smile glad for the relationships i had, knowing il always meet more amazing people. For now I just really miss my friend, but maybe things are getting better.
try to use every hardship to learn about yourself and be a better person. Even in the roughest times, to come out better seems to me to be a pinnacle of humanity. that may sound like some over positive bullsoykaf, but im being honest. i think you can often notice people look back on their hardships with a sense of pride, even if they paint it as terrible people love to share the bad things they went through right? because they made it through, they still are alive and are stronger now. even if you make and lose a friend again in the future the feeling will probably be different, you went through it already and you know its not the end.
but i wont lie to you. a month later I still find myself waking up crying sometimes, wondering where my friend is. whenever i make a decision i still ask her for advice in my head, and i often wonder if shed be proud of me when i accomplish something. even though at the same time i hate her for leaving, i clearly still miss her.
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I'm 33 years old and I've realized that if I want to amount to anything in life, I'm going to have to abandon my ego and instead focus on the ideas that I want to research, refine and spread to the world.
I have a huge interest in mental imagery as well as dreams, astral projection, meditation and spirituality but I can't advance in those fields if I'm continuing to be selfish.
I don't blame myself for being confused for so long, because my life got thrown by the wayside by my mother's death, a Master's degree that amounted to nothing, my father being abusive, selfish and deceptive, the recession, an unsupportive family, and a whole bunch of other soykaf. Nonetheless, I had to learn that I can only amount to something if I stop focusing on solely myself. The problem was, though, was that I have no attachment to most others due to the abuse and neglect that I experienced, so I had nothing to focus on for a while. Fortunately, I now have a few interests that I can focus on, so I should just do that.
I should just be fortunate that I have any interests at all, and I have the time and the intelligence to go in depth with them. I still worry about whether or not others will care about what it is that I reveal, but I'll take that when it happens. I now know what it means to abandon the sense of an ego.
I have a huge interest in mental imagery as well as dreams, astral projection, meditation and spirituality but I can't advance in those fields if I'm continuing to be selfish.
I don't blame myself for being confused for so long, because my life got thrown by the wayside by my mother's death, a Master's degree that amounted to nothing, my father being abusive, selfish and deceptive, the recession, an unsupportive family, and a whole bunch of other soykaf. Nonetheless, I had to learn that I can only amount to something if I stop focusing on solely myself. The problem was, though, was that I have no attachment to most others due to the abuse and neglect that I experienced, so I had nothing to focus on for a while. Fortunately, I now have a few interests that I can focus on, so I should just do that.
I should just be fortunate that I have any interests at all, and I have the time and the intelligence to go in depth with them. I still worry about whether or not others will care about what it is that I reveal, but I'll take that when it happens. I now know what it means to abandon the sense of an ego.
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>>10459
Sort of. It is rare, but it does happen. Through drugs, you just forget who you are. But about two weeks ago, while I was laying in bed I felt this weird sensation in my head and went into a trance; after a few minutes, I felt a snap in my head and I was engulfed by a wave of pleasure, while hallucinating sounds in the room. I ended up thinking in terms of other people; instead of them being my own thoughts, I thought and felt through the minds of others. It was like a whole paradigm shift of my mind and personality that hasn't quite washed away yet.
I don't quite recall the trance itself, despite me not focusing on any thought at the time; I sort of blanked out my mind for a while. That is really hard for me to do since I have a psychotic disorder and my mind is always on the fritz with several thoughts at once. I often wonder why I'm able to take care of myself, despite having to be on SSI. This isn't the first time I've had odd things like this happen to me in my resting state, though; it is somewhat common, although it started only three years ago. Experiences like these are the reasons why I want to devote my life to researching these subjects, although I must go through some very odd things. Some people would probably just think that I'm psychotic, and a lot of people don't want to talk about it for some reason.
Sort of. It is rare, but it does happen. Through drugs, you just forget who you are. But about two weeks ago, while I was laying in bed I felt this weird sensation in my head and went into a trance; after a few minutes, I felt a snap in my head and I was engulfed by a wave of pleasure, while hallucinating sounds in the room. I ended up thinking in terms of other people; instead of them being my own thoughts, I thought and felt through the minds of others. It was like a whole paradigm shift of my mind and personality that hasn't quite washed away yet.
I don't quite recall the trance itself, despite me not focusing on any thought at the time; I sort of blanked out my mind for a while. That is really hard for me to do since I have a psychotic disorder and my mind is always on the fritz with several thoughts at once. I often wonder why I'm able to take care of myself, despite having to be on SSI. This isn't the first time I've had odd things like this happen to me in my resting state, though; it is somewhat common, although it started only three years ago. Experiences like these are the reasons why I want to devote my life to researching these subjects, although I must go through some very odd things. Some people would probably just think that I'm psychotic, and a lot of people don't want to talk about it for some reason.
>>10459
I think I have on LSD. Every living creature I looked at had the same face and was the same being. I looked at my cat, portraits of random people on the wall, images online, myself in the mirror, and I felt that all these were the same being, in a spiritual way but such that I hallucinated when I looked at them. All forms of art were interpreted as trying to communicate some aspect of the one being that we all are. I felt that I "knew" we are all one consciousness under the illusion of separateness. It so perfectly fits descriptions other people say, yet im not sure i was even aware that ego death was a thing at the time.
I think I have on LSD. Every living creature I looked at had the same face and was the same being. I looked at my cat, portraits of random people on the wall, images online, myself in the mirror, and I felt that all these were the same being, in a spiritual way but such that I hallucinated when I looked at them. All forms of art were interpreted as trying to communicate some aspect of the one being that we all are. I felt that I "knew" we are all one consciousness under the illusion of separateness. It so perfectly fits descriptions other people say, yet im not sure i was even aware that ego death was a thing at the time.
Some times I worry people I know will read my posts here and recognize me.
That's something I really liked about this place, no one would ever recognize me, but now that I talk to some people who come here outside of here, I'm fudged, If I continue to talk so openly they are going to recognize me from time to time. They already might recognize posts I already made.
I just wanted this to be a nice comfy place where I could say anything I want, but now that freedom is fading.
That's something I really liked about this place, no one would ever recognize me, but now that I talk to some people who come here outside of here, I'm fudged, If I continue to talk so openly they are going to recognize me from time to time. They already might recognize posts I already made.
I just wanted this to be a nice comfy place where I could say anything I want, but now that freedom is fading.
>>10452
I came on here with the exact same frustrations. Very rarely I talk about my feelings, for I think they're absurd to analyze, decrypt, decipher. I hate when we try to conclude life as something that ultimately depends on our emotion, but we can't deny its linkage to the finer things.
I've never felt this frustrated before, or just felt. I think intimacy is stupid, lainon, because it's just creating a reliance on others. As if just being with someone else will be enough to satisfy.
Having the mere quality of sharing affection, where the affection has no basis, becomes a quality that's valueless.
The reason of my frustrations points toward the fact that I can't do anything, we can't do anything, we don't know where to begin. There's no place to express ourselves, there's nothing to express ourselves through, there are things we can pursue, but even after you understand it, it still points to the original frustration: why did I do that in the first place? What are the finer things in life? What will it take for me to look forward to something again, to invest into a project that'll lend a step to a virtuous life?
Why doth curiosity abandon those that seeketh not?
Everything is so complicated anymore. I just want to tinker with rudimentary things, but our world has no room for such foolery. Curiosity amounts to nothing in survival. We've fooled ourselves thinking we're allowed such things.
I came on here with the exact same frustrations. Very rarely I talk about my feelings, for I think they're absurd to analyze, decrypt, decipher. I hate when we try to conclude life as something that ultimately depends on our emotion, but we can't deny its linkage to the finer things.
I've never felt this frustrated before, or just felt. I think intimacy is stupid, lainon, because it's just creating a reliance on others. As if just being with someone else will be enough to satisfy.
Having the mere quality of sharing affection, where the affection has no basis, becomes a quality that's valueless.
The reason of my frustrations points toward the fact that I can't do anything, we can't do anything, we don't know where to begin. There's no place to express ourselves, there's nothing to express ourselves through, there are things we can pursue, but even after you understand it, it still points to the original frustration: why did I do that in the first place? What are the finer things in life? What will it take for me to look forward to something again, to invest into a project that'll lend a step to a virtuous life?
Why doth curiosity abandon those that seeketh not?
Everything is so complicated anymore. I just want to tinker with rudimentary things, but our world has no room for such foolery. Curiosity amounts to nothing in survival. We've fooled ourselves thinking we're allowed such things.
Being conflicted on your thoughts isn't fun. Slowly building up hate for everyone to the point where I don't think I'm good company any more.
has anyone here experienced extreme gender disphoia?
its gotten to the point where, and this might sound bad, I very much want to chop my penis off. I've very seriously contemplated it. Can anyone help?
its gotten to the point where, and this might sound bad, I very much want to chop my penis off. I've very seriously contemplated it. Can anyone help?
>>10471
I FEEL IT FADE
no but same and I dont even know anyone outside of here. its just that I use this board as my therapist almost and im at a college so im sure someone goes here and would probably be able to find out its me and even link my posts together. i guess i dont really care though at this point. they would just know me very well.
I FEEL IT FADE
no but same and I dont even know anyone outside of here. its just that I use this board as my therapist almost and im at a college so im sure someone goes here and would probably be able to find out its me and even link my posts together. i guess i dont really care though at this point. they would just know me very well.
wild dark eyes, dark skin, pierced, tatooed. dark circles around her eyes, she reminded me of some kind of feral child sometimes that somehow managed to make it in society. she couldnt say certain words right and would sometimes turn over and bite my face when we were sleeping, never hard enough to hurt too bad though. she liked to wrestle, crawl on top of me, stand on me. took great care of herself, maybe too much even. she was a lot cuter with no makeup on and her hair down and frizzy in the morning. really smart too just had terrible grammar. anger issues as well.
I dont think il meet another person like her. but to be honest maybe this is my fault, maybe deep down i wanted to own her or something, so i could show her off. somebody so unique and dangerous, i wanted everyone to see how great she was. i wouldnt be surprised if the only reason people have ever had to hate her, including myself, was jealousy.
well i guess what i can say is our relationship probably wasnt sustainable. i dont think you can love someone that much without crashing and burning. eventually if anything i would have gotten sick of her, my patience in dealing with her violence would have gave. she always thought i would end up hating her, i guess in the end wishful thinking won out. these days im probably nothing to her, shes not the type to put meaning to soykaf like this. it was just a mistake to her. I still like to think she will recognize me in hell.
You never let me say goodbye. So let me be dramatic for a moment and say adios you cunt. You might be the prettiest girl ive seen, and maybe you were wiser and smarter than me, maybe you were tougher than me; but i know ive got so much more within me and your gonna regret this soykaf when im bigger than you ever will be mentally physically spiritually. all you can do is look down but i can look up and down, ive got loads of potential. maybe you knocked me down a few stories but thats nothing when im over here building mountains. fuarrrk you, and fuarrrk everyone who thought I couldnt make it or told me what to do or tried to put me down. and fuarrrk my old self for letting them.
I dont think il meet another person like her. but to be honest maybe this is my fault, maybe deep down i wanted to own her or something, so i could show her off. somebody so unique and dangerous, i wanted everyone to see how great she was. i wouldnt be surprised if the only reason people have ever had to hate her, including myself, was jealousy.
well i guess what i can say is our relationship probably wasnt sustainable. i dont think you can love someone that much without crashing and burning. eventually if anything i would have gotten sick of her, my patience in dealing with her violence would have gave. she always thought i would end up hating her, i guess in the end wishful thinking won out. these days im probably nothing to her, shes not the type to put meaning to soykaf like this. it was just a mistake to her. I still like to think she will recognize me in hell.
You never let me say goodbye. So let me be dramatic for a moment and say adios you cunt. You might be the prettiest girl ive seen, and maybe you were wiser and smarter than me, maybe you were tougher than me; but i know ive got so much more within me and your gonna regret this soykaf when im bigger than you ever will be mentally physically spiritually. all you can do is look down but i can look up and down, ive got loads of potential. maybe you knocked me down a few stories but thats nothing when im over here building mountains. fuarrrk you, and fuarrrk everyone who thought I couldnt make it or told me what to do or tried to put me down. and fuarrrk my old self for letting them.
>>10472
I agree with what you say on communication. Our thoughts aren't composed of things themselves, they're ideas and images we design to make sense of an incomprehensible world.
Someone online showed me this essay yesterday, and it was very insightful:
https://ebooks.adelaide.edu.au/s/schopenhauer/arthur/essays/chapter4.html
Why do anything when it won't leave an impact? Pleasures only exist in the moment, so all we can do is live in the now, Yet at the same time, exploiting life to get as much pleasure as possible still doesn't solve the problem of boredom. We have devices of literal magic in our pockets and a good half of us still feel like soykaf. There is no winning in the cycle of pleasure and pain.
I've been losing pretty hard at that cycle lately, and if you're in this thread you're probably in the same boat. Lately, as my passions have dipped, I've been thinking a lot about religions like Buddhism and Hinduism, and how thinkers in the past turned to them when faced with similar issues. While I'm not yet a believer, they seem to grasp the fundamental obstacle with life as most of us live it. Maybe it'll give us a way out, who knows. The more I look at the cycle of pleasure and pain, the less beautiful it appears.
I agree with what you say on communication. Our thoughts aren't composed of things themselves, they're ideas and images we design to make sense of an incomprehensible world.
Someone online showed me this essay yesterday, and it was very insightful:
https://ebooks.adelaide.edu.au/s/schopenhauer/arthur/essays/chapter4.html
Why do anything when it won't leave an impact? Pleasures only exist in the moment, so all we can do is live in the now, Yet at the same time, exploiting life to get as much pleasure as possible still doesn't solve the problem of boredom. We have devices of literal magic in our pockets and a good half of us still feel like soykaf. There is no winning in the cycle of pleasure and pain.
I've been losing pretty hard at that cycle lately, and if you're in this thread you're probably in the same boat. Lately, as my passions have dipped, I've been thinking a lot about religions like Buddhism and Hinduism, and how thinkers in the past turned to them when faced with similar issues. While I'm not yet a believer, they seem to grasp the fundamental obstacle with life as most of us live it. Maybe it'll give us a way out, who knows. The more I look at the cycle of pleasure and pain, the less beautiful it appears.
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Feel totally stuck. Can't look at cute girl without a) fantasizing about cuddling with her and b) thinking how much she probably hates me or is disgusted by me. Have waifu; reduces stress at times but causes strange feeling like having given up. Desire physical contact with a cute girl (no sex really, have no real sex drive, desire only companionship and cuddling / handholding / etc) but do not think am worthy. Frequently feel bad about self. Worthlessness, etc. Insomnia. Suicide attempt, unsuccessful.
I think I'm just really stressed out... I've been swamped with university psets, I keep feeling like I'm not enough, and I'm just having trouble getting into a relationship... It got to the point where I was actually feeling stomach pains (which I heard can happen if you're too stressed). I have a half-marathon on Saturday, and I'm afraid I won't be able to meet the sub-two-hour goal I set for myself...
I've taken programming more seriously, but I'm at the point where I know enough that I know I'll have a hard time doing anything useful...
Really, the only plus side to this day was that I was walking along the street and found this cat and we chilled for like a minute before it went away. It was adorable.
Basically, I'm having a hard time and don't really know how I can feel better without simply ignoring it.
I've taken programming more seriously, but I'm at the point where I know enough that I know I'll have a hard time doing anything useful...
Really, the only plus side to this day was that I was walking along the street and found this cat and we chilled for like a minute before it went away. It was adorable.
Basically, I'm having a hard time and don't really know how I can feel better without simply ignoring it.
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I hate the fact that no matter how hard I try to learn anything practical and hands-on it will be done to no avail, as I've always been a retard in regards to such activities. It is like kicking dead whales down the beach even more because I always get a ton of ideas which I'd like to realize, but never will. It's as if I'm a walking, breathing book on theory and whatever the fuarrrk that will never get to be actualized. I also have unreasonably high and strict standards for myself, and it doesn't help not one bit. I'd say it hampers my already slow progress, as whenever I'm writing or drawing, I get frustrated over what I have on paper, crumple it immidately and throw it into trash. It's ironic that it's so vexing to me, because I actually love creating more than consuming.
As always, internet gives little to no answers, and not that many people seem to have had experienced what I'm feeling now, so I can't really find any proper advice.
As always, internet gives little to no answers, and not that many people seem to have had experienced what I'm feeling now, so I can't really find any proper advice.
>>10494
Amateur psychologist here.
You're suffering from depression and grandiosity. They are the same issue but looked from a different perspective. One won't let you do anything and the other one won't let you realize anything.
Usually that stems from childhood issue. Think about your relations with your parents. Did they care about you? Did they pay attention to your needs? Did they help you to go through frustration?
I would argue that you never learned how to deal with the frustration of doing because you never were properly surrounded. Likewise, depression arise from people giving up on you, so you give up on yourself as well.
The shining light of inspiration or motivation is there to get to say to others to pay attention to you, but that won't solve anything because you know that the void won't be filled by artificial success.
So that's the "easy" part. Read "The Drama of the Gifted Child" for more on that.
The hard part is fixing that. You are going to need to mourn a lot of your past by bringing some compassion to yourself and take one slow step after another.
I would suggest going to therapy and try to solve these childhood issues.
Amateur psychologist here.
You're suffering from depression and grandiosity. They are the same issue but looked from a different perspective. One won't let you do anything and the other one won't let you realize anything.
Usually that stems from childhood issue. Think about your relations with your parents. Did they care about you? Did they pay attention to your needs? Did they help you to go through frustration?
I would argue that you never learned how to deal with the frustration of doing because you never were properly surrounded. Likewise, depression arise from people giving up on you, so you give up on yourself as well.
The shining light of inspiration or motivation is there to get to say to others to pay attention to you, but that won't solve anything because you know that the void won't be filled by artificial success.
So that's the "easy" part. Read "The Drama of the Gifted Child" for more on that.
The hard part is fixing that. You are going to need to mourn a lot of your past by bringing some compassion to yourself and take one slow step after another.
I would suggest going to therapy and try to solve these childhood issues.
My life has been a whirlwind. I've been through so much, it would honestly make a good book, if I were a good writer, but for the last five years it has been calm.
Calm.
Dangerous.
For five years I've been thinking, thinking, thinking. About the past, about my future, about my life, about how different I am from anyone and everyone I meet. I'm surrounded by good people but none of them understand me, I can't emphasize this enough. I have no friends, no social life, nothing. Due to the circumstances I was born in I have had a whirlwind of a life.
I just wish I had someone to talk to, who would listen to me. I'm a very good listener and I'm always willing to listen to other people because I'm always alone. I communicate more on the internet in a day than I do in two weeks of real life. I'm just so lonely it's pathetic and sad because anyone in my situation would feel very secure and comfortable.
Probably naive of me to assume anyone would want to just talk to a random person from this very vague and brief description. All I can say is that when I finally overcame the hurdles life put in front of me I discovered I was running alone. I honestly don't know what I am looking for from doing this, I guess an email pen-pall thing, but again, I must be naive.
Calm.
Dangerous.
For five years I've been thinking, thinking, thinking. About the past, about my future, about my life, about how different I am from anyone and everyone I meet. I'm surrounded by good people but none of them understand me, I can't emphasize this enough. I have no friends, no social life, nothing. Due to the circumstances I was born in I have had a whirlwind of a life.
I just wish I had someone to talk to, who would listen to me. I'm a very good listener and I'm always willing to listen to other people because I'm always alone. I communicate more on the internet in a day than I do in two weeks of real life. I'm just so lonely it's pathetic and sad because anyone in my situation would feel very secure and comfortable.
Probably naive of me to assume anyone would want to just talk to a random person from this very vague and brief description. All I can say is that when I finally overcame the hurdles life put in front of me I discovered I was running alone. I honestly don't know what I am looking for from doing this, I guess an email pen-pall thing, but again, I must be naive.
>>10478
I read the essay and considered your comments. The truth in it is undeniable, until the last sentence. "No man has ever felt perfectly happy in the present; if he had it would have intoxicated him." By this logic, if man is intoxicated, how could you expect to remember such an event? And the quality of intoxication does not mar the feeling - if anything it enhances it. Thus we cannot deny its existence, although we have no evidence from those that have had it.
Through out the whole reading, flashes of war, of backstabbing, of torturous partings through the desert filled the lines in between. We could agree that it would add up to nothing.
Yet, before we go on, I will finally make the union that is life: it is a game of emotions.
And through these brutal images, we forget the aftermaths. Hugs from families, kisses from spouses, swigs and bathings of water. There are moments to live for. Not for the earthly pleasures, but for imparting an ending. We do not have to drown in earthly pleasures, we can instead enjoy it's interaction with its sufferings. We shall still be fools of hope, for we cannot assert that 'true' happiness does not exist in the state of becoming. Just as our world is absurd, ideas and hopes are just as absurd. And because of this sharing in quality, we cannot assert that the latter does not exist. We cannot claim to understand everything, even with logical steps of being/becoming.
So although we have been losing the game, we should not concern ourselves with states of winning or losing. Rather, just as Schopenhauer looks at the whole of it in disgust, we can flip and look at it with wonder. The only reason the cycle leaves you unsatisfied is that you still view yourself in it: a toy to be mangled around. We are vulnerable to the claws, but we can also be patched with the aloe. Why be stricken in the first place? You would have never felt the warmness of those that bandaged you otherwise.
A lot of us - if not, at least me - like to see ourselves as emotionless. We won't be dragged in and fooled. That we have ascended past the absurdities others partake. Yet we are still stricken! Our wounds may not be as deep, but they are infested with matter that should have decayed. If we are not changed, then, in accordance to Schopenhauer, we are not living at all. We are denying the properties of the organic.
We would like to be cyborgs, to morph into the technology, because it hurts. But we will be lashed at. And through the cycle of life, as long as we shed and rejuvenate, we can appreciate that we are organic. We are in accordance to our nature. We flow properly, and the winds will blow us through our existence.
tl;dr live
I read the essay and considered your comments. The truth in it is undeniable, until the last sentence. "No man has ever felt perfectly happy in the present; if he had it would have intoxicated him." By this logic, if man is intoxicated, how could you expect to remember such an event? And the quality of intoxication does not mar the feeling - if anything it enhances it. Thus we cannot deny its existence, although we have no evidence from those that have had it.
Through out the whole reading, flashes of war, of backstabbing, of torturous partings through the desert filled the lines in between. We could agree that it would add up to nothing.
Yet, before we go on, I will finally make the union that is life: it is a game of emotions.
And through these brutal images, we forget the aftermaths. Hugs from families, kisses from spouses, swigs and bathings of water. There are moments to live for. Not for the earthly pleasures, but for imparting an ending. We do not have to drown in earthly pleasures, we can instead enjoy it's interaction with its sufferings. We shall still be fools of hope, for we cannot assert that 'true' happiness does not exist in the state of becoming. Just as our world is absurd, ideas and hopes are just as absurd. And because of this sharing in quality, we cannot assert that the latter does not exist. We cannot claim to understand everything, even with logical steps of being/becoming.
So although we have been losing the game, we should not concern ourselves with states of winning or losing. Rather, just as Schopenhauer looks at the whole of it in disgust, we can flip and look at it with wonder. The only reason the cycle leaves you unsatisfied is that you still view yourself in it: a toy to be mangled around. We are vulnerable to the claws, but we can also be patched with the aloe. Why be stricken in the first place? You would have never felt the warmness of those that bandaged you otherwise.
A lot of us - if not, at least me - like to see ourselves as emotionless. We won't be dragged in and fooled. That we have ascended past the absurdities others partake. Yet we are still stricken! Our wounds may not be as deep, but they are infested with matter that should have decayed. If we are not changed, then, in accordance to Schopenhauer, we are not living at all. We are denying the properties of the organic.
We would like to be cyborgs, to morph into the technology, because it hurts. But we will be lashed at. And through the cycle of life, as long as we shed and rejuvenate, we can appreciate that we are organic. We are in accordance to our nature. We flow properly, and the winds will blow us through our existence.
tl;dr live
You should replace him with alcohol, is a great form to forget someone you liked.
The friends means nothing, are only persons we use to not get insane. The friends use your proyections to transform your likes and thinks in soykaf. The friends are bad stuff, don't feel bad if you lost one of them, you'll earn others.
I feel most isolated in a group, IRL, sometimes.
>>10491
It feels at the core of your problems you're doubting yourself. You're not gonna do anything if you just think you cant do it and stop. The point of self made goals is you know you better than anyone else. You should learn your limitations and setting your goals to steadily push them. If you feel you can't reach a goal you made, just make it a bit easier. If its something you're doing often you as a person can (and will) strengthen yourself time after time to be able to one day feel confident to reach that goal.
It feels at the core of your problems you're doubting yourself. You're not gonna do anything if you just think you cant do it and stop. The point of self made goals is you know you better than anyone else. You should learn your limitations and setting your goals to steadily push them. If you feel you can't reach a goal you made, just make it a bit easier. If its something you're doing often you as a person can (and will) strengthen yourself time after time to be able to one day feel confident to reach that goal.
There is hope for me but it's off this society and it's expectations. But then I must resign to the security that it provides to those that stick to it's methods.
I will need to adapt myself, and it will not be easy. Right now I'm used to the comforts of modern life, and it'll be hard to get used to leaving them behind. Even though many of them are a unnecessary and many of them are already a burden to me. Being by my own though, it'll be hard.
That's why I am putting it off, Ihave yet to step out and actually try, it's scary out there, and even though I already feel that it's the best thing for me to do... I feel like I'm waiting for external stimuli to get me out there and try.
I still have a lot of self doubt, but I don't want to live a miserable life.
Oh and I have to cut ties with my parents who will insist that I stick to the norm.
I will need to adapt myself, and it will not be easy. Right now I'm used to the comforts of modern life, and it'll be hard to get used to leaving them behind. Even though many of them are a unnecessary and many of them are already a burden to me. Being by my own though, it'll be hard.
That's why I am putting it off, Ihave yet to step out and actually try, it's scary out there, and even though I already feel that it's the best thing for me to do... I feel like I'm waiting for external stimuli to get me out there and try.
I still have a lot of self doubt, but I don't want to live a miserable life.
Oh and I have to cut ties with my parents who will insist that I stick to the norm.
>>10509
>people who are actually grateful for your existence
That sounds whacky, what do you need to do for someone to actually feel grateful that you exist.
I mean, just being a friend won't do because anyone can be a friend. Listening? anyone can do that too. Give them money? I'd rather be alone than people stick to me just for money. What on earth can make someone valuable to others so that they are actually grateful that you exist?
>people who are actually grateful for your existence
That sounds whacky, what do you need to do for someone to actually feel grateful that you exist.
I mean, just being a friend won't do because anyone can be a friend. Listening? anyone can do that too. Give them money? I'd rather be alone than people stick to me just for money. What on earth can make someone valuable to others so that they are actually grateful that you exist?
does anyone know any cool online communities that focus on weird fringe art. soykaf like shock photography, guro, abstract stuff, bizarre movies, experimental music. also somewhere with a wide variety of background in the userbase, not just the typical internet crowd. men women boys girls black white poor rich losers winners anti social and hyper social. just a place filled with people who really have a passion for the bizzare that elevates above all else?
the only thing that comes to mind is like weird tumblr cliques which really isnt what im looking for. posting this here because the purpose behind all this is to branch out and meet similar people, and not feel so alone. If you know any discords that fit that would work too.
the only thing that comes to mind is like weird tumblr cliques which really isnt what im looking for. posting this here because the purpose behind all this is to branch out and meet similar people, and not feel so alone. If you know any discords that fit that would work too.
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>>10495
Well, having read the book, I can now say - it's kind of true. It's not as though I haven't thought of this myself, I just didn't care, all of it seemed quite superficial and trivial. In fact, I'm quite skeptical about psychology, but, a whole book dedicated to such a specific case which I might happen to share as well - now that's interesting. Never thought mindbuggery would spawn something that hits so close to home.
Some of the examples are rather exagerrated, and I can't really see the problem with most of these. **Might as well explain why I am where I am right now.** But, if it really does eventually grow into something so much more mentally crippling, and has been proven to do so, then alright, I'll take that.
And now for the hard part you're talking about - I think it can't be helped. I can't afford going to the therapy, and even if I could, it would be yet another "pal for the buck" session that I so detest. Likewise, I won't be able to suddenly get to love myself. I've been knee deep in depression for about three years now, and daily self-loathing sessions have become a habit for me.
I'm still sort of dubious about the whole "it stems from your childhood" approach - it's something every mind meddler would say about anything and everything. Speaking of that, the "grandiosity aspect" isn't fully manifested in my behavior - I do regulate self-esteem through my achievements, and I do get angry if something doesn't go the way I want it to be/Isn't as good as I want it to be. Furthermore, as I've already said, I'm more self-deprecating than self-exalting. Something must be off in here.
Human brain is a weird thing after all.
Well, having read the book, I can now say - it's kind of true. It's not as though I haven't thought of this myself, I just didn't care, all of it seemed quite superficial and trivial. In fact, I'm quite skeptical about psychology, but, a whole book dedicated to such a specific case which I might happen to share as well - now that's interesting. Never thought mindbuggery would spawn something that hits so close to home.
Some of the examples are rather exagerrated, and I can't really see the problem with most of these. **Might as well explain why I am where I am right now.** But, if it really does eventually grow into something so much more mentally crippling, and has been proven to do so, then alright, I'll take that.
And now for the hard part you're talking about - I think it can't be helped. I can't afford going to the therapy, and even if I could, it would be yet another "pal for the buck" session that I so detest. Likewise, I won't be able to suddenly get to love myself. I've been knee deep in depression for about three years now, and daily self-loathing sessions have become a habit for me.
I'm still sort of dubious about the whole "it stems from your childhood" approach - it's something every mind meddler would say about anything and everything. Speaking of that, the "grandiosity aspect" isn't fully manifested in my behavior - I do regulate self-esteem through my achievements, and I do get angry if something doesn't go the way I want it to be/Isn't as good as I want it to be. Furthermore, as I've already said, I'm more self-deprecating than self-exalting. Something must be off in here.
Human brain is a weird thing after all.
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Strange thoughts on a sleepless sunrise. I feel the cold creeping in and the solitude scratching away at my mind. I feel constrained by the cold and by my own life circumstance. In reality I could do whatever I want, but I just feel... drained.
I've pretty much been alone, inside all winter, and were it not for a few friends and a handful of novel experiences I would be full NEET right now.
I plan to look for a job when it stops being so cold out, maybe join some groups/events, idk, it all feels quite overwhelming and I don't know where to start, I dislike authority to the point of being unable to keep my mouth shut and the 9-5 game is not going to work for me. For most of my life I was surrounded by people, things, events, and now its all quieted down and I'm left with alot of time and space to think... I think its been productive, as I've finally gotten others' toxic memes out of my head, but it just feels so empty now. Its unnerving.
I really hope I can meet some people, and also repair some of my damaged relationships this coming spring. Where do I even start though? I have no car, few friends, no job, questionable record, and almost 0 on-the-books work history or references outside of family...I've finally cleaned my life up and quieted things down but now I feel like I'm at a million crossroads, I think I will slowly go insane if I don't find a way to move away from home soon, like in a year, and on that same note I think a soul crushing job like fast food will have the same effect..? Still, the utter waste of the potential I know is within me will kill me either way.. Sometimes I wish I could just die, because I don't want to be a burden on anyone anymore and I feel like success is just beyond my reach. My whole life I've tried to do the right thing, stand up for myself and others, set a good example and do my part to keep things cohesive and positive, but I find now that I have nothing to show for it.. Not that I regret it, but its very troubling and sometimes I wonder if I'll end up broke and squandering all the potential I felt growing up..
I'm not really sure what I'm getting at. Venting is nice I guess. I like to think I'll pull it together, but who knows. Some days I am more hopeful than others. Maybe I should start micro-dosing again... Really, I just need to branch out and find people to talk to and I could pull it together from there, I don't do well with prolonged isolation and brooding in my thoughts, losing touch with reality, my life and art thrive on company, I just have no idea where to start... sigh...
I've pretty much been alone, inside all winter, and were it not for a few friends and a handful of novel experiences I would be full NEET right now.
I plan to look for a job when it stops being so cold out, maybe join some groups/events, idk, it all feels quite overwhelming and I don't know where to start, I dislike authority to the point of being unable to keep my mouth shut and the 9-5 game is not going to work for me. For most of my life I was surrounded by people, things, events, and now its all quieted down and I'm left with alot of time and space to think... I think its been productive, as I've finally gotten others' toxic memes out of my head, but it just feels so empty now. Its unnerving.
I really hope I can meet some people, and also repair some of my damaged relationships this coming spring. Where do I even start though? I have no car, few friends, no job, questionable record, and almost 0 on-the-books work history or references outside of family...I've finally cleaned my life up and quieted things down but now I feel like I'm at a million crossroads, I think I will slowly go insane if I don't find a way to move away from home soon, like in a year, and on that same note I think a soul crushing job like fast food will have the same effect..? Still, the utter waste of the potential I know is within me will kill me either way.. Sometimes I wish I could just die, because I don't want to be a burden on anyone anymore and I feel like success is just beyond my reach. My whole life I've tried to do the right thing, stand up for myself and others, set a good example and do my part to keep things cohesive and positive, but I find now that I have nothing to show for it.. Not that I regret it, but its very troubling and sometimes I wonder if I'll end up broke and squandering all the potential I felt growing up..
I'm not really sure what I'm getting at. Venting is nice I guess. I like to think I'll pull it together, but who knows. Some days I am more hopeful than others. Maybe I should start micro-dosing again... Really, I just need to branch out and find people to talk to and I could pull it together from there, I don't do well with prolonged isolation and brooding in my thoughts, losing touch with reality, my life and art thrive on company, I just have no idea where to start... sigh...
>>10511
>Many people need desperately to receive this message: 'I feel and think much as you do, care about many of the things you care about, although most people do not care about them. You are not alone.
This seems like good time to post Vonnegut. There's that sense of connection between people in his books. If you ever happen to read Breakfast for champions or timequake, you'll maybe understand what i mean.
>Many people need desperately to receive this message: 'I feel and think much as you do, care about many of the things you care about, although most people do not care about them. You are not alone.
This seems like good time to post Vonnegut. There's that sense of connection between people in his books. If you ever happen to read Breakfast for champions or timequake, you'll maybe understand what i mean.
I saw her for the first time aside from in passing since like weeks ago yesterday. i did her a small favor like an idiot, even though i promised I wouldnt anymore. i acted like i didnt want to do it but i did obviously. she seemed really grateful at least. im probably her last resort these days.
when i saw her later she smiled at me, i didnt cause i was surprised. we pretty much avoid eachother these days. i thought maybe i was even on her soykaf list but she would have walked right past me if that was the case. i dont remember seeing that smile, maybe its the one she reserves for strangers? all i know is i hadnt cried about us going seperate ways for weeks and that smile nearly set me off again. im probably reading too much into it, but it looked like the smile you give someone when you know they are suffering. that sad eyed toothless smile. Smile of pity maybe?
funny how you dont know what you had till its gone.
when i saw her later she smiled at me, i didnt cause i was surprised. we pretty much avoid eachother these days. i thought maybe i was even on her soykaf list but she would have walked right past me if that was the case. i dont remember seeing that smile, maybe its the one she reserves for strangers? all i know is i hadnt cried about us going seperate ways for weeks and that smile nearly set me off again. im probably reading too much into it, but it looked like the smile you give someone when you know they are suffering. that sad eyed toothless smile. Smile of pity maybe?
funny how you dont know what you had till its gone.
I recently created a fake tinder profile.
I mostly wanted to just mess with people on there and say stupid soykaf, but I found myself getting genuinely excited whenever someone swiped right on me.
This caused me to feel even lonelier in the long run, though. I realized that it wasn't *me* getting matches, it was a fake persona I had created.
A part of me wants to create a legitimate profile, but the idea of that makes me incredibly anxious, and I don't really know how to talk to people.
I mostly wanted to just mess with people on there and say stupid soykaf, but I found myself getting genuinely excited whenever someone swiped right on me.
This caused me to feel even lonelier in the long run, though. I realized that it wasn't *me* getting matches, it was a fake persona I had created.
A part of me wants to create a legitimate profile, but the idea of that makes me incredibly anxious, and I don't really know how to talk to people.
>>10530
Chin up, lainon.
I'd like to echo this post
>>10525
I've been there more times than I'd like to remember, so I know words seem fickle when I say this, but really, you are not alone and I am sure, being a fellow lain, that you are a cherishable and wonderful, if potentially misunderstood person..
You should be your own most intimate lover.
What helped me is to practice Metta (loving-kindness) meditation..
The kind of love that illuminates and irradiates all that it touches. It's inconsequential, then, if a particular human girl finds you of interest or not..
Chin up, lainon.
I'd like to echo this post
>>10525
I've been there more times than I'd like to remember, so I know words seem fickle when I say this, but really, you are not alone and I am sure, being a fellow lain, that you are a cherishable and wonderful, if potentially misunderstood person..
You should be your own most intimate lover.
What helped me is to practice Metta (loving-kindness) meditation..
The kind of love that illuminates and irradiates all that it touches. It's inconsequential, then, if a particular human girl finds you of interest or not..
By asking a random guy for a cigarette i managed to make a what i think i should categorize as a friend, somewhat of a druggie too, but cool.
Thing is im a total outcast and social retard.
I feel like a blind man lost in a maze now, i dont know if i should stay cool or make a move, even then i dont know what to say.
I realized i have no real idea how to maintain a relationship.
Not to mention my crippling depression and anxiety makes it so much more confusing for me.
Thing is im a total outcast and social retard.
I feel like a blind man lost in a maze now, i dont know if i should stay cool or make a move, even then i dont know what to say.
I realized i have no real idea how to maintain a relationship.
Not to mention my crippling depression and anxiety makes it so much more confusing for me.
I am so stressed about passing time to the point where I actually do nothing and procrastinate while being stressed out. I've been this way for a year or more but now I'm just thinking about it more because I'm afraid that I will end up being nobody. Recently I've become more paranoid I guess - I don't really know how to name it. I got a feeling that someone is watching me online. Looks what I browse, what I have on my accounts, looks through my webcam or listen to me on mic. I'm afraid that some people will come to my house and inspect all of my drives that I have - few days ago I've wiped most of them. I can't trust my family, my friends (or more like - people who I know). Browsing Internet has become pain, even now - to post this thing I had to use every privacy software I know and I'm able to use to be sure that this "someone" won't know more about me because what I'm writing here is serious for me. I'm wiping all messages I have on my accounts or phone, I think I'm going crazy. Everyday I'm less and less interested in keeping in touch with people and I can see that they care about me less. Often I have breakdowns, I'm starting crying and laughing at once for few minutes and after that I feel totally normal. Trying to understand computers - so here I am on this site, but I will never understand how people work.
why do I continue to find she really was the only reliable friend I had. More and more the people around me seem like fuarrrking shapeshifters, hiding all their anger and hate and hidden feelings that you only get to see when they are high or drunk. Not her though, she was transparent if she was angry it was obvious and if she was sad she cried. I wouldnt have felt threatened if she was trying to kill me cause ida seen it coming.
I cant trust anyone elses advice, like what the fuarrrk I know better than most these people. Ive never had the advice peoples given me work out except from her. fuarrrk fuarrrk fuarrrk, I still have her number and she replies when I got no one else to turn to; but I know she doesnt like doing it. Some people got a mentor that helped them for years and ive gotta subsist now off of three months.
I cant trust anyone elses advice, like what the fuarrrk I know better than most these people. Ive never had the advice peoples given me work out except from her. fuarrrk fuarrrk fuarrrk, I still have her number and she replies when I got no one else to turn to; but I know she doesnt like doing it. Some people got a mentor that helped them for years and ive gotta subsist now off of three months.
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I still love you. I still cry over it.
guys im lonely as soykaf please contact me, be my friend, no underage b&
cryptocat: columbia
cryptocat: columbia
fuarrrk all these people honestly. how can these people tell me and act like they never liked her and completely disrespect her image once i open up. i know she fuarrrked me over and she left us all but she was all our damn friends. and she left cause she had better soykaf to do fuarrrk you id leave your ass too.
i dont understand. I listened to every word she said and i loved her and when she talked i tried to understand and i believed her and had faith in her. And everyone else did the same, they agreed when she talked, everyone agreed with what she said and she never put any pressure to. She changed me a lot idealogically, and made me really change what I valued and I thought everyone else too. Even once I hated her I knew id never forget what she taught me, and here i am talking to this fuarrrking glitterboy and he dares to act like im an idiot almost for believing in the things she told us. How could you, was it all an act? Her purity, honesty, charm, confidence and looks got her respect wherever she went, and these heartless bastards only liked her as a trophy, she was a trophy friend, they liked to brag about having her. The minute she left she lost her use to them.
not to me though bitch, i hate you sometimes for leaving me like this but damn me to hell if i dont respect and live by some of the soykaf you taught me. You were right to leave these fools, and im glad you got enough love for yourself to go around because its beautiful people like you that need to put up the biggest defense from these damn exploiters, manipulators, rapists, villains and frauds. i curse everytime I ever was rude or raised my voice at you, jammit. I remember us laying there talking till late, losing our minds and i remember the love we shared in that room, and i even remember you almost laughing and having to leave when i got all dramatic and told you i loved you and we both knew it just wouldnt work. I know i got no friends now, and I feel less alone than ive ever felt. Because I know I had one real friend I could count on the entire time and it was you, it only ever was you. I didnt lose all my friends I lost the only friend I may have for many years and that makes me happy. Because I was on track to go my whole life never knowing that real human connection that transcends background race culture heritage interests education and tradition. im happy because i know i have no friends, i didnt know that before. I was mislead into actually thinking I had some, till i met you. The most genuine human being ive met, if you stuck around that just wouldnt have been like you. I dont care how people poison your image because ive got the real you right up here. Im not gonna let what happens now tarnish the good memories you gave us all that some seem to be quick to forget. Il always love you, even when i hate you.
i dont understand. I listened to every word she said and i loved her and when she talked i tried to understand and i believed her and had faith in her. And everyone else did the same, they agreed when she talked, everyone agreed with what she said and she never put any pressure to. She changed me a lot idealogically, and made me really change what I valued and I thought everyone else too. Even once I hated her I knew id never forget what she taught me, and here i am talking to this fuarrrking glitterboy and he dares to act like im an idiot almost for believing in the things she told us. How could you, was it all an act? Her purity, honesty, charm, confidence and looks got her respect wherever she went, and these heartless bastards only liked her as a trophy, she was a trophy friend, they liked to brag about having her. The minute she left she lost her use to them.
not to me though bitch, i hate you sometimes for leaving me like this but damn me to hell if i dont respect and live by some of the soykaf you taught me. You were right to leave these fools, and im glad you got enough love for yourself to go around because its beautiful people like you that need to put up the biggest defense from these damn exploiters, manipulators, rapists, villains and frauds. i curse everytime I ever was rude or raised my voice at you, jammit. I remember us laying there talking till late, losing our minds and i remember the love we shared in that room, and i even remember you almost laughing and having to leave when i got all dramatic and told you i loved you and we both knew it just wouldnt work. I know i got no friends now, and I feel less alone than ive ever felt. Because I know I had one real friend I could count on the entire time and it was you, it only ever was you. I didnt lose all my friends I lost the only friend I may have for many years and that makes me happy. Because I was on track to go my whole life never knowing that real human connection that transcends background race culture heritage interests education and tradition. im happy because i know i have no friends, i didnt know that before. I was mislead into actually thinking I had some, till i met you. The most genuine human being ive met, if you stuck around that just wouldnt have been like you. I dont care how people poison your image because ive got the real you right up here. Im not gonna let what happens now tarnish the good memories you gave us all that some seem to be quick to forget. Il always love you, even when i hate you.
Yesterday was my last try at socializing. I swear to God I was trying very hard for many years, but every time it ended in embarrassment. I've had enough. Today I promised to myself that I will never try again, I'm breaking off contacts with everyone I know.
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>>10579
Don't give up lainon! Everyone fails at things they'd like to get good at sometimes, but I'm sure you'll find a way forward if you keep trying. Remember, you might not think so but other people really aren't that much different from you so there's no need to be embarrassed - just laugh at your own failures and enjoy the new things you try for what they are.
Don't give up lainon! Everyone fails at things they'd like to get good at sometimes, but I'm sure you'll find a way forward if you keep trying. Remember, you might not think so but other people really aren't that much different from you so there's no need to be embarrassed - just laugh at your own failures and enjoy the new things you try for what they are.
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>>10583
Don't think of yourself as pathetic anon. Finding friends is hard for a lot of people, that's why they like to lock themselves up in closed groups that are hard to break into, and why they are so careful to stick rigidly to the social conventions they are familiar with. Some people will still make the effort to be friends with a "loser" though, but you'll never see them unless you put yourself out there. I don't believe that no-one's ever broken out of problems like your's before.
You probably won't get a reply from me again in this thread, but I left an email in the field. You (or anyone else in this thread) can mail me your troubles if you like. I check it intermittently, so you might not get the swiftest of replies, but I think it's important that people who find it hard to connect with society at large are there for each other.
Otherwise, I hope your problems get better and that you find some people you enjoy spending time with.
Don't think of yourself as pathetic anon. Finding friends is hard for a lot of people, that's why they like to lock themselves up in closed groups that are hard to break into, and why they are so careful to stick rigidly to the social conventions they are familiar with. Some people will still make the effort to be friends with a "loser" though, but you'll never see them unless you put yourself out there. I don't believe that no-one's ever broken out of problems like your's before.
You probably won't get a reply from me again in this thread, but I left an email in the field. You (or anyone else in this thread) can mail me your troubles if you like. I check it intermittently, so you might not get the swiftest of replies, but I think it's important that people who find it hard to connect with society at large are there for each other.
Otherwise, I hope your problems get better and that you find some people you enjoy spending time with.
Had a dream they were still around. Its crazy how you can know someone well enough that your brain can recreate them and all the interactions youd have perfectly. Wish I didnt have to wake up.
I used to think Zuckbook was nothing but a display for the ego, but now I realize the whole internet, even anonymous imageboards (perhaps, /especially/ anonymous imageboards) is a display for the ego.
how do I disengage from tfw no gf mode? I have neither the time or energy to seek someone out at the moment and I'm sick of these feelings.
fuarrrk dude I just want someone to hold
fuarrrk dude I just want someone to hold
How do I gain the ability to be creative again? I think all of my creative energy was sapped when I was heavy into politics and I just don't have that urge to do so anymore.
>>10624
that makes sense actually. Im about to rant here a bit and establish background so if you want just an answer to your question skip this paragraph. im a little bit of an art boy, and I know my best most creative work kind of comes from being uncompromising. Politics is all about compromise, appeal, its a construct too thats very logical and often very much about being practical or at least selling the practicality of something. creativity on the other hand often comes from exploring ideas that are the opposite of practical, and very much all of your own. even when you draw influence you bend it to your will and make it yours. There is politics to art too of course, to a degree there is even a happy medium. Where your work is appealing maybe to a large audience, but still uniquely yours and capable of sending messages that might not appeal to the larger audience.
SOLUTIONS. One might be to isolate yourself for a bit, especially from rational people if you cant do all people. Surrounding yourself by other creative, maybe a little bit mentally ill people. Uncreative people hate it when you explore unconventional ideas, it even makes them angry. If not angry it scares them which is preferrable. Political people often can be very uncreative, i hate to put it as a you vs them situation but it is. Im not saying lose all rationality, but once you have really explored your head you have that creative foundation and can maybe control it or guide it.
You also cant ever feel ashamed or embarassed of an idea or a certain creative path tou are exploring. if you feel shameful about exploring an idea you will handicap your creativity. For example, I like to draw. I have a lot of little cartoonish drawings i do with a lot of really bizarre things like plants growing out of peoples brains or siamese twins, peoples arms unfolding etc. I was recently very taken by a black girl to be perfectly blunt, so ive been exploring some different design choices for characters. Bigger lips, wider noses etc. Its very shameful to admit for some reason, maybe because it seems like im obsessed with my ex or something, but its really given my characters more variety and a more distinct look. I really debated not doing it though because it embarassed me. Same for drawing more intimate or suggestive poses, it sometimes is still difficult when doing anatomy studies to draw such things.
It definitely starts in the mind though, if you cant think creative thoughts you wont be creative. Is your schedule very rigid? Do you have a lot of free time? You might wanna try adding in a lot of time to just walk and think alone. You dont have to be alone that is, walking through a city is fine too, but you gotta think alone. 3 hours. Im a bit extreme in this case though, i make free time to do nothing but think where I dont even have free time. Definitely teach yourself to be creative in your own head before you decide to make that into something physical. Otherwise you just will get that old writers block soykaf, and come up with some stupid half baked idea to explore cause you didnt go into it with a vision you forced one. forced is never good.
that makes sense actually. Im about to rant here a bit and establish background so if you want just an answer to your question skip this paragraph. im a little bit of an art boy, and I know my best most creative work kind of comes from being uncompromising. Politics is all about compromise, appeal, its a construct too thats very logical and often very much about being practical or at least selling the practicality of something. creativity on the other hand often comes from exploring ideas that are the opposite of practical, and very much all of your own. even when you draw influence you bend it to your will and make it yours. There is politics to art too of course, to a degree there is even a happy medium. Where your work is appealing maybe to a large audience, but still uniquely yours and capable of sending messages that might not appeal to the larger audience.
SOLUTIONS. One might be to isolate yourself for a bit, especially from rational people if you cant do all people. Surrounding yourself by other creative, maybe a little bit mentally ill people. Uncreative people hate it when you explore unconventional ideas, it even makes them angry. If not angry it scares them which is preferrable. Political people often can be very uncreative, i hate to put it as a you vs them situation but it is. Im not saying lose all rationality, but once you have really explored your head you have that creative foundation and can maybe control it or guide it.
You also cant ever feel ashamed or embarassed of an idea or a certain creative path tou are exploring. if you feel shameful about exploring an idea you will handicap your creativity. For example, I like to draw. I have a lot of little cartoonish drawings i do with a lot of really bizarre things like plants growing out of peoples brains or siamese twins, peoples arms unfolding etc. I was recently very taken by a black girl to be perfectly blunt, so ive been exploring some different design choices for characters. Bigger lips, wider noses etc. Its very shameful to admit for some reason, maybe because it seems like im obsessed with my ex or something, but its really given my characters more variety and a more distinct look. I really debated not doing it though because it embarassed me. Same for drawing more intimate or suggestive poses, it sometimes is still difficult when doing anatomy studies to draw such things.
It definitely starts in the mind though, if you cant think creative thoughts you wont be creative. Is your schedule very rigid? Do you have a lot of free time? You might wanna try adding in a lot of time to just walk and think alone. You dont have to be alone that is, walking through a city is fine too, but you gotta think alone. 3 hours. Im a bit extreme in this case though, i make free time to do nothing but think where I dont even have free time. Definitely teach yourself to be creative in your own head before you decide to make that into something physical. Otherwise you just will get that old writers block soykaf, and come up with some stupid half baked idea to explore cause you didnt go into it with a vision you forced one. forced is never good.
I can't stop thinking about killing myself, for about two weeks I've been contemplating about death and how pointless all the things I've done have been and that in my life I have never accomplished anything of note, there is nothing in my life that others want, experiences that one can brag about or friends that really care about me, everything has just been a huge waste of time.
Dunno for some reason I feel very distant from all the people I know, I have plenty of friends and live a relatively social existence but I can't ever seem to connect with any of my friends on a deeper level, most of the time I'm filled with envy everyone else s existence seems to be more interesting or fulfilling than mine there seems to be an allure in the life of even the most deadbeat of my acquaintances in terms of work, love life and leisure.
Lately I've been fooling around with a girl, an activity that I don't do very often because romance annoys me, but for some reason this time around I really got hooked, I made clear about how I felt and even though she was sympathetic it is obvious that she doesn't want anything serious and only wants to hang out with no strings attached, that's ok since there's nothing I can do about but the thing is that I really liked her and need to get over her since It annoys me when I lose two hours in my day because I get lost in the infatuation.
There is also my work life, I'm starting a bunch of new projects some with more future than others but none of them pay any bills so in economic terms I'm between jobs, I just came back to my hometown after being away for a couple of years because I had very high paying job abroad until I quit for personal and job related reasons, right now I'm staying with my parents until I find an apartment downtown. I have enough money saved to not work for a year but the things I like to do won't give me enough to sustain myself later on and I don't feel like going back abroad to a soulless job that I hate. Back there I just worked and drank everyday.
On a personal note my friends became distant some left for other places while the rest are now busy working on businesses or companies and since I'm the only one that dropped out of college I feel like we are very different people now which don't have time or will to hang out again like before, my new circle of friends are people from college which I really like but have never grown intimate with like with childhood and high school friends, and even though I met a lot of new people lately I really have the need to talk to someone that already knows me so I can talk about feels and other things but sadly I don't have anyone like that.
In the end I don't think I'm at risk of killing myself at least not right now, been suicidal since I was a kid, but right now I just have a feeling of uneasiness, there are just too many variables my life is in tatters and I have to start all over again while also trying to reconcile the fact that probably the last 4 years of my life have been completely pointless, even though the plans I have for the future really excite me there is also the looming shame of how I failed in the past and the angst of how I'm going to accomplish what I want to do in the future.
Dunno for some reason I feel very distant from all the people I know, I have plenty of friends and live a relatively social existence but I can't ever seem to connect with any of my friends on a deeper level, most of the time I'm filled with envy everyone else s existence seems to be more interesting or fulfilling than mine there seems to be an allure in the life of even the most deadbeat of my acquaintances in terms of work, love life and leisure.
Lately I've been fooling around with a girl, an activity that I don't do very often because romance annoys me, but for some reason this time around I really got hooked, I made clear about how I felt and even though she was sympathetic it is obvious that she doesn't want anything serious and only wants to hang out with no strings attached, that's ok since there's nothing I can do about but the thing is that I really liked her and need to get over her since It annoys me when I lose two hours in my day because I get lost in the infatuation.
There is also my work life, I'm starting a bunch of new projects some with more future than others but none of them pay any bills so in economic terms I'm between jobs, I just came back to my hometown after being away for a couple of years because I had very high paying job abroad until I quit for personal and job related reasons, right now I'm staying with my parents until I find an apartment downtown. I have enough money saved to not work for a year but the things I like to do won't give me enough to sustain myself later on and I don't feel like going back abroad to a soulless job that I hate. Back there I just worked and drank everyday.
On a personal note my friends became distant some left for other places while the rest are now busy working on businesses or companies and since I'm the only one that dropped out of college I feel like we are very different people now which don't have time or will to hang out again like before, my new circle of friends are people from college which I really like but have never grown intimate with like with childhood and high school friends, and even though I met a lot of new people lately I really have the need to talk to someone that already knows me so I can talk about feels and other things but sadly I don't have anyone like that.
In the end I don't think I'm at risk of killing myself at least not right now, been suicidal since I was a kid, but right now I just have a feeling of uneasiness, there are just too many variables my life is in tatters and I have to start all over again while also trying to reconcile the fact that probably the last 4 years of my life have been completely pointless, even though the plans I have for the future really excite me there is also the looming shame of how I failed in the past and the angst of how I'm going to accomplish what I want to do in the future.
Man, it seems like I'm doing everything right, but I still feel bored constantly. This has to be genetic or something, it doesn't make sense. I guess it's useful because I can detach myself from the internet, but at the end of a "good" day, I still feel I accomplished nothing and felt no pleasure.
Just got to keep going, I suppose.
Just got to keep going, I suppose.
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>>10626
It never really occured to me that politics was about compromise and art is the opposite, though I guess hindsight is 20/20. I guess it explains a lot about why I was suffering, I was stiffing my own artistic potential for the sake of politics.
In my case, you could say I was ashamed to really create because the things inside my head wasn't exactly fitting to certain political ideologies I wanted to reach out to. But if there is something I've learned, there's not much you can do about people who refuse to listen to what you say. Sure you can always improve and clarify your message, but there's only so much you can do on your side. I guess this bugs me since I've dealt with communication issues all my life due to a physical disability and I've worked so hard to make sure I can get what I want to say across.
With art, you don't really have to worry about getting your message across as much as you do with politics. Or rather you don't have to worry about whether or not your ideas are outlandish since the point of art is to push the outlandish into something that resembles a story, or at least that is what I'm thinking.
It never really occured to me that politics was about compromise and art is the opposite, though I guess hindsight is 20/20. I guess it explains a lot about why I was suffering, I was stiffing my own artistic potential for the sake of politics.
In my case, you could say I was ashamed to really create because the things inside my head wasn't exactly fitting to certain political ideologies I wanted to reach out to. But if there is something I've learned, there's not much you can do about people who refuse to listen to what you say. Sure you can always improve and clarify your message, but there's only so much you can do on your side. I guess this bugs me since I've dealt with communication issues all my life due to a physical disability and I've worked so hard to make sure I can get what I want to say across.
With art, you don't really have to worry about getting your message across as much as you do with politics. Or rather you don't have to worry about whether or not your ideas are outlandish since the point of art is to push the outlandish into something that resembles a story, or at least that is what I'm thinking.
i met someone so great that I realized now that they left me kind of that most of my other friends im not really close to. So i dont have friends in my mind now and thats okay but theres people who consider me friends that I just cant save a few.
These people scare me, they also used to be friends with my best friend so it just feels empty without her. But these people seem so unreliable and fake. They all seem lifeless except a few. All they do is talk about how much school is like kicking dead whales down the beach, I havent had a real conversation with any of these people since she left. We used to talk about such deep and meaningful things to us, because she really wanted to get to know people. my roomate says im being unfair and comparing everyone to her, but I just cant sink that low anymore. I want that human connection, I guess I wont have any friends till I find it then and thats my punishment for being unfair.
These people scare me, they also used to be friends with my best friend so it just feels empty without her. But these people seem so unreliable and fake. They all seem lifeless except a few. All they do is talk about how much school is like kicking dead whales down the beach, I havent had a real conversation with any of these people since she left. We used to talk about such deep and meaningful things to us, because she really wanted to get to know people. my roomate says im being unfair and comparing everyone to her, but I just cant sink that low anymore. I want that human connection, I guess I wont have any friends till I find it then and thats my punishment for being unfair.
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It's strange how one phone call can ruin your week.
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>>10643
The phone call that ruined your week
The phone call that ruined your week
I feel crushed by the weight of my failures. I worry that I'm running out of time. Today my ex contacted me on normal personbook asked me how I was I said I was fine, it burns me up inside that she's doing all the things I've ever wanted to do in my life. She has no idea that I'm freaking out behind my keyboard 5000 miles away.
She's coming back to the city where we fell in love for a few days soon, I think she'll ask me to meet up. I won't be able to because I'm a fuarrrking NEET living at my moms house 100 miles away. Meeting up with her would also be severly detrimental to my already very fragile psyche.
I have a plan and a dream but everything feels so far away and talking to her and hearing how great she's doing is making me fuarrrking panic. Jesus Christ please help me this is the godamn lowest I've felt in five fuarrrking years and I don't know who to godamn talk too because I don't have any friends left. I keep telling myself things are going to turn around and I 'know' that they will, but I have no fuarrrking faith or confidence in myself.
There's a storm outside and I feel a panic attack setting in. Please Lains wish me luck.
She's coming back to the city where we fell in love for a few days soon, I think she'll ask me to meet up. I won't be able to because I'm a fuarrrking NEET living at my moms house 100 miles away. Meeting up with her would also be severly detrimental to my already very fragile psyche.
I have a plan and a dream but everything feels so far away and talking to her and hearing how great she's doing is making me fuarrrking panic. Jesus Christ please help me this is the godamn lowest I've felt in five fuarrrking years and I don't know who to godamn talk too because I don't have any friends left. I keep telling myself things are going to turn around and I 'know' that they will, but I have no fuarrrking faith or confidence in myself.
There's a storm outside and I feel a panic attack setting in. Please Lains wish me luck.
>>10632
So after going through another roundabout of political discussion I think >>10626 is really onto something. It takes a lot of energy of me to talk about that sort of thing, especially when dealing with people who are determined to shut you down. The next issue I have is trying not to get myself dragged into these political battles since in the end I don't get much accomplished and it just makes me depressed, but I guess you can say I'm addicted to the "thrill" of it.
Now what does one do to throw off an addiction...?
So after going through another roundabout of political discussion I think >>10626 is really onto something. It takes a lot of energy of me to talk about that sort of thing, especially when dealing with people who are determined to shut you down. The next issue I have is trying not to get myself dragged into these political battles since in the end I don't get much accomplished and it just makes me depressed, but I guess you can say I'm addicted to the "thrill" of it.
Now what does one do to throw off an addiction...?
I've stuck consistently with my self-improvement schedule for a month now, and still don't feel better. My mind is a giant blank, I feel "hazy" all the time. It's like a physical barrier is between my inner consciousness and the outside world, so I can never feel "in the moment". If I want to, I can go stretches without thinking of anything at all. All that's left is a gentle headache, and boredom.
Human beings are the self programming artifical intelligence.
I just realized im pretty patient. Genuinely patient too, not the kind of patient where you know im a ticking timebomb and if you really push me il blow. I wont blow up, il give silent treatments, cry, leave, or tell someone to fuarrrk off but I dont blow up. I can take a lot and I can wait awhile. It almost feels like I move slower relative to everything else, making time go by really fast. An hour feels like nothing to me even when im just waiting. I got my chest tattooed in an hour 40 no breaks and it felt like 30 minutes despite all the pain and sitting there doing nothing. When I stop and think so much time passes, and my dreams often feel like the lemgth they are. I guess im just stupid, cant keep up. I need my days to be 3 days long. But boy am I patient. I could make it out of torture for the ones I love, even being eaten by rats like in 1984, I could do the brass bull, I could do the boats, I could do impalement, I could do crucifixion. My mind is invincible, when I work out nothing stops me except for my muscles failing to function any further. I go until it feels like im trying to move a brick wall and my arms physically can not extend any further. I just need more time.
I hate you all but I keep coming to this place out of habit.
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>>10724
Why do you hate me?
My body was small, normally I think this rule is fine, forces a little more elaboration, tries to get you to think and say more than a one line respeonse, but in this one case it takes away from the comedic effect of the short response, so I'm annoyed, just this one time.
Why do you hate me?
My body was small, normally I think this rule is fine, forces a little more elaboration, tries to get you to think and say more than a one line respeonse, but in this one case it takes away from the comedic effect of the short response, so I'm annoyed, just this one time.
I actually teared up listening to Death Grips - On GP. The lyrics basically are an outline of my outlook on life right now. I wonder if I'll ever be happy.
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I've realized some time ago that I am someone that should not be.
I dont know why I haven't committed suicide yet. I guess the only thing that's holding me back is thinking about what few online friends I have will feel.
Sure, I can count them with my left hand, but the difference between a null number and an integer is as great as nothing and infinity. I can't tell them how I feel, though - I've built up a careful persona, and they're the last people I want to bring my real-world problems to.
Maybe that's a lie. Everything about me is a lie. I'm just a coward who's afraid to die. Not like Yomoda Chisa at all. I should not be, after all. I haven't really lived, and I dont want to die without living.
I dont know why I haven't committed suicide yet. I guess the only thing that's holding me back is thinking about what few online friends I have will feel.
Sure, I can count them with my left hand, but the difference between a null number and an integer is as great as nothing and infinity. I can't tell them how I feel, though - I've built up a careful persona, and they're the last people I want to bring my real-world problems to.
Maybe that's a lie. Everything about me is a lie. I'm just a coward who's afraid to die. Not like Yomoda Chisa at all. I should not be, after all. I haven't really lived, and I dont want to die without living.
>>10730
Yes I think you are very right, don't die when you havent lived yet. There is probably something still out there you have not experienced that should you experience you will look back on the idea od suicide as terrible. Whether thats a deep human connection, an idea or subject you havent explored yet, maybe even a place you havent been to. Something will make your brain switch and decide it wants to live.
Your a a unique and invaluable human being, I guarantee someone out there wants to know who you are and will understand you. And someone out there will be able to elevate you, to teach you new things and drag you to places and make you a better version of yourself. The longer you live and the more people you meet your chances of this will only go up. And these people will come and go and it will be sad but you will meet more. Have some faith in yourself, and have some hope.
Yes I think you are very right, don't die when you havent lived yet. There is probably something still out there you have not experienced that should you experience you will look back on the idea od suicide as terrible. Whether thats a deep human connection, an idea or subject you havent explored yet, maybe even a place you havent been to. Something will make your brain switch and decide it wants to live.
Your a a unique and invaluable human being, I guarantee someone out there wants to know who you are and will understand you. And someone out there will be able to elevate you, to teach you new things and drag you to places and make you a better version of yourself. The longer you live and the more people you meet your chances of this will only go up. And these people will come and go and it will be sad but you will meet more. Have some faith in yourself, and have some hope.
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I don't wanna live anymore. I've never accomplished anything, I've never been able to express myself to others. I never had any kind of close relationship, I never felt understoond. I am so alone. I felt pain and self-hate for a long time. Now I mostly feel emptiness. I don't have any kind of hope, dream, expectation. I don't even understand what they mean anymore. I know that things won't change. I feel so sorry for being such an awful person.
>all these people with friends, family, exs, gfs
>>10758
Well its not all good, especially if your the type who doesnt make friends easy. When my only best friend/gf left me I wished I had never met her because I would have rather been blissfully ignorant to what it was like to feel close to someone. I know I wont likely feel it again because the circumstances we met were strange, very unlikely to happen twice. She was a lot more attractive than me. She thought I was interesting and wanted to get to know me, then when we only knew eachother and lost our other friends I was the only one she could turn to, to help her i guess? with a lot of things, things sometimes I didnt even want to do because she really was just my good friend even though I did find her very attractive. I often feel like I failed, like if I did things differently we wouldnt have split. I miss her and shes really the only person I enjoyed hanging out with but I cant hang out with her. Its like going from your lowest point to your highest and then being told you have to go back down again. It isnt fun.
But I guess I cant really say I regret it these days. I wish things were different, but if the choice came to have that experience or to erase it from my mind id keep it.
Well its not all good, especially if your the type who doesnt make friends easy. When my only best friend/gf left me I wished I had never met her because I would have rather been blissfully ignorant to what it was like to feel close to someone. I know I wont likely feel it again because the circumstances we met were strange, very unlikely to happen twice. She was a lot more attractive than me. She thought I was interesting and wanted to get to know me, then when we only knew eachother and lost our other friends I was the only one she could turn to, to help her i guess? with a lot of things, things sometimes I didnt even want to do because she really was just my good friend even though I did find her very attractive. I often feel like I failed, like if I did things differently we wouldnt have split. I miss her and shes really the only person I enjoyed hanging out with but I cant hang out with her. Its like going from your lowest point to your highest and then being told you have to go back down again. It isnt fun.
But I guess I cant really say I regret it these days. I wish things were different, but if the choice came to have that experience or to erase it from my mind id keep it.
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I just got accepted into a wooden boat building school since I'm a failure at regular college. I should feel excited but I'm already dreading job hunting and the possibility that I wont get a boat related job and have to work delivering pizzas. I feel like I'm on a better path than currently (in college and failing) so I'm feeling decent but I wish I could just not be so fuarrkkin pessimistic all the time. At least if I don't get a job I'll have some knowledge and can do wood working in my spare time.
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Been dealing with bizarre, turbulent emotions since December and chalking it up to basic winter blues, which I tend to get. It's either that or the fact I began talking to an old 'friend' again since June and I realized that wasn't the best of ideas. Somewhat hard to explain here without rambling on forever. Usually my mood stabilizes around this time, but so far, still waiting. No real sunshine yet.
My sister also recently admitted to me personally that she works as a stripper; I avoided a response. Haven't seen her in 2 years, but I'm aware where she lives and she keeps in touch. It kills my parents. My mom recently switched psych medications and this new pill she's on makes her incredibly robotic..but I'd prefer this to how she's been for the last 4 years.
I just have the most unrelenting feeling that there's something wrong, but I can't precisely put my finger on the issue. Maybe it's a combination of factors, maybe I'm thinking far too much.
My sister also recently admitted to me personally that she works as a stripper; I avoided a response. Haven't seen her in 2 years, but I'm aware where she lives and she keeps in touch. It kills my parents. My mom recently switched psych medications and this new pill she's on makes her incredibly robotic..but I'd prefer this to how she's been for the last 4 years.
I just have the most unrelenting feeling that there's something wrong, but I can't precisely put my finger on the issue. Maybe it's a combination of factors, maybe I'm thinking far too much.
Whenever I tell a joke and make somebody laugh, I can't help but wonder if they're laughing at me or at the joke. My social anxiety seems to have reached unseen levels.
Why do some people perceive dreams that might-have-been as a tragedy, but most just carry on? Did they simply forget about it? Or are they smart enough not to look back and not to fear the future?
Why is it always the idealists who usually fail in the end?
Life seems to get easier and more complicated at the same time. Odd.
Why do some people perceive dreams that might-have-been as a tragedy, but most just carry on? Did they simply forget about it? Or are they smart enough not to look back and not to fear the future?
Why is it always the idealists who usually fail in the end?
Life seems to get easier and more complicated at the same time. Odd.
talking to you lately feels like talking to a brick wall. i wish i knew the right words to say to you.
I think my ultimate unaccomplishable dream goal is to control and create life. I think everything ive been interested in was geared towards that in some way. As a young kid i wanted to be a mad scientist, the kind that could make whatever he wanted without bounds. Then I wanted to get into some bio mechanical stuff like robot arms and eyes and what not. Then artificial intelligence My hobbies are drawing, I picked that one up because I thought I might be going schizophrenic and also worried about going blind and I wanted to make sure I could create a better world in my head before that happened. Then it just turned into a hobby, but the subject was always the human form and manipulating it in new ways. My other hobby is excersize because I enjoy growing and testing my body. Video games used to be my other hobby, always video games where I could create something unique to show off. As my need for validation from others is decreasing I no longer feel a need to show off so much.
Anyways I need to stop skipping my math class thats going to fuarrrk me up. Im already far behind in math for my major but am allowed to continue in my CS classes because my programming ability is fine. Im semi impatient I think, id rather slave away at something I cant accomplish yet then work on smaller projects till my skill in a particular area is good enough to tackle what I want. Anyways to indulge this creative side of me, I realize ive only been drawing humans. I need to draw other things. I could spend forever drawing them and eventually perfect the human sure, but if I spend each day dipping into a new animal I think eventually I will get a much greater understanding of anatomy that will both be applicable and extend beyond the human. Id like to get to the point where it will be nothing for me to create an entirely new being with its own skeletal and organ structure, and when having to draw a new animal I havent before I will instantly be able to create a rough internal structure of it in my head.
its funny because I am christian, the idea of creating life is very tabboo I think? il try to keep it in the realm of ideas . Im also very anti technology politically. it is what it is though. todays animal was the potato bug.
Anyways I need to stop skipping my math class thats going to fuarrrk me up. Im already far behind in math for my major but am allowed to continue in my CS classes because my programming ability is fine. Im semi impatient I think, id rather slave away at something I cant accomplish yet then work on smaller projects till my skill in a particular area is good enough to tackle what I want. Anyways to indulge this creative side of me, I realize ive only been drawing humans. I need to draw other things. I could spend forever drawing them and eventually perfect the human sure, but if I spend each day dipping into a new animal I think eventually I will get a much greater understanding of anatomy that will both be applicable and extend beyond the human. Id like to get to the point where it will be nothing for me to create an entirely new being with its own skeletal and organ structure, and when having to draw a new animal I havent before I will instantly be able to create a rough internal structure of it in my head.
its funny because I am christian, the idea of creating life is very tabboo I think? il try to keep it in the realm of ideas . Im also very anti technology politically. it is what it is though. todays animal was the potato bug.
I finally got to the second stage of the job interview. My appointment's the upcoming Thursday.
It's a strange feel, but I'm looking forward to it. Life so far has been like tutorial mode, and it seems like once I get a car, a phone, and some spending money, life can actually begin. The negatives are that I'll have less time to listen to music and only about an hour (after all my work) to browse the internet. Yet one part of me thinks that might make it better, and make weekends more enjoyable. So I look forward to it.
It's a strange feel, but I'm looking forward to it. Life so far has been like tutorial mode, and it seems like once I get a car, a phone, and some spending money, life can actually begin. The negatives are that I'll have less time to listen to music and only about an hour (after all my work) to browse the internet. Yet one part of me thinks that might make it better, and make weekends more enjoyable. So I look forward to it.
I'm too lazy to get a job. I keep telling people that the job market is hard but truth is I'm lazy as fuarrrk. I don't want to work, or, at least I don't want to work in a group or team so I'm super picky about the jobs I apply for. I'm not an anti-social person but I have to work alone. I have enough to survive on from a previous job for a little while, but soon enough I'll have to bite the bullet and get a job. It's not mature, it's selfish I know, but I just don't want to.
>>10816
It's not selfish. We are all different and we feel at ease in different environments. Sadly society pretends everybody to fit a single mold and just "work in a team" and all the usual crap.
Maybe you can try and find a job in which you are in a good environment that you can enjoy. Maybe use the time you have left to find such job at your own pace (instead of taking whatever job you can land because you're out of money). It should be possible.
But if it isn't, then you'll have to suck it up, that certainly is something we all have to do from time to time in this life. But doesn't mean that you can't eventually find a job you like, or that you are "wrong" (selfish or immature) because of functioning different from what society expects.
It's not selfish. We are all different and we feel at ease in different environments. Sadly society pretends everybody to fit a single mold and just "work in a team" and all the usual crap.
Maybe you can try and find a job in which you are in a good environment that you can enjoy. Maybe use the time you have left to find such job at your own pace (instead of taking whatever job you can land because you're out of money). It should be possible.
But if it isn't, then you'll have to suck it up, that certainly is something we all have to do from time to time in this life. But doesn't mean that you can't eventually find a job you like, or that you are "wrong" (selfish or immature) because of functioning different from what society expects.
I thought it was just curiosity at first, but now i'm a little worried. For about a year since I turned 18 i've had a sexual fetish for crossdressing/acting very feminine while having sex with other guys. I didn't get off to it while having sex as much as I just felt some sort of weird sense of joy/sadness that felt incredibly satisfying. Overtime things got more extreme as I began to ask the guys I met to start verbally abusing me, and occasionally to slap me lightly. It has now gotten to the point where I sometimes start crying in the middle of it. I've started to hate my own masculinity/maleness in general and I feel like I deserve to be miserable. I don't want to end up hurting myself, does anyone have any advice?
>>10825
Crossdressing, enjoying verbal abuse, crying during sex... none of these are uncommon. I'm not sure what the worry is.
If you start wanting to do girlmode outside of sexy time then you might look into some trans resources. For some people it's a fetish they can put away, for others it's an identity. They are totally separate things.
Crossdressing, enjoying verbal abuse, crying during sex... none of these are uncommon. I'm not sure what the worry is.
If you start wanting to do girlmode outside of sexy time then you might look into some trans resources. For some people it's a fetish they can put away, for others it's an identity. They are totally separate things.
Made an account on okcupid about a week ago, cause I really want to be with someone again (been alone for like 7 years, had a few rejections inbetween). I'm really afwul at this and looking at beautiful people and the lack of success getting to know anyone on that site is making me _seriously_ depressed. I wrote quite a few messages to those I like both physically and mentally (for a lack of better term) and have basically received nothing of any substance back. If there's no evidence of this theme changing by monday I'll delete my account and possibly decide to give up hope on ever finding someone. And if anyone ever approaches me I'll take the relationship regardless of my actual feelings and pretend to love them. Seriously, just... fuarrrk dating.
I keep lurking this place too hard.
My need for sympathies and seeing the misery of others is too strong.
I just feel like this one of the only places left where i seem to fit in and am understood.
I know that this is not in any way healthy but i cannot help myself nor can i figure out alternatives at this point.
Thought i should let you know that a lot of redundant whining comes from me, but thats nothing unexpected nor unwelcome given the nature of this place.
My need for sympathies and seeing the misery of others is too strong.
I just feel like this one of the only places left where i seem to fit in and am understood.
I know that this is not in any way healthy but i cannot help myself nor can i figure out alternatives at this point.
Thought i should let you know that a lot of redundant whining comes from me, but thats nothing unexpected nor unwelcome given the nature of this place.
I cheated on my boyfriend.
I used to judge people who cheated. I thought it was a disgusting betrayal of trust, of love, of all things that made relationships genuine and good.
Now that I'm on the other side of this scenario I understand why people do it.
You can only be reminded of how worthless you are and how unlikely it is that anyone else will ever love you so many times before you need to prove to yourself that you're still desirable, that you're still valuable, that the world outside of this sick game you're playing with your partner still exists.
I don't judge people who cheat anymore. We all have our reasons. Mine had nothing to do with the hedonistic fantasy people like to pretend that cheating is about.
I used to judge people who cheated. I thought it was a disgusting betrayal of trust, of love, of all things that made relationships genuine and good.
Now that I'm on the other side of this scenario I understand why people do it.
You can only be reminded of how worthless you are and how unlikely it is that anyone else will ever love you so many times before you need to prove to yourself that you're still desirable, that you're still valuable, that the world outside of this sick game you're playing with your partner still exists.
I don't judge people who cheat anymore. We all have our reasons. Mine had nothing to do with the hedonistic fantasy people like to pretend that cheating is about.
I need to get rid of my crush since she is clearly not interested in me, the main problem is that I have a very reduced social circle right now and she is one the people that I see on a daily basis and I don't know any other people to go out on dates with.
The main problem I think is that I need to make friends of my friends friends so I don't end stuck with the same lot every week but I get very exhausted of social and find it easier to be with people with whom I'm already good friends with.
The main problem I think is that I need to make friends of my friends friends so I don't end stuck with the same lot every week but I get very exhausted of social and find it easier to be with people with whom I'm already good friends with.
Theres not really any comfort or conclusion to accepting you can't have something you want.
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The past couple of years I've seemed to have lost a lot of faith with creators. I've become convinced that that all they care about is making the most profit. I'm not saying that all creations should be artsy fartsy or anything. Like I expect things created from corporations to be created with profit in mind. And I believe that individual artists do have a right to make a profit off of their works. But it's more like a lot of creators these days aren't creating from their heart or even for the sake of entertainment but to "fit in."
Honestly, I feel like what I just said there doesn't make any sense. It's really hard to explain. What's worse is that I realize that in the end, it's the artist's choice to do this. I'm not deluded enough to think that there was ever a "golden" age of creators, there has always been creators who were mostly in it for the profit from the beginning of time.
I think it's more now that I've become paranoid to seeing radicalization. These days everyone is all about seeing black and white, and I thought I could "regress" myself by thinking like that but the result was me basically trying to fit a circle in a square peg and in the end I only made myself more frustrated and worse off for it.
I know for a fact that this sort of thinking isn't healthy. How is it healthy to become overly paranoid of everything? Sure some paranoia can be rationalized, but not to the point where you become an invalid. Someone else said to all this is just excuses for taking responsibility for my own happiness, and I'm inclined to believe that's the case. Something happened to me years ago that made me believe that I didn't deserve happiness so I look for any excuse to make myself unhappy.
Honestly, I feel like what I just said there doesn't make any sense. It's really hard to explain. What's worse is that I realize that in the end, it's the artist's choice to do this. I'm not deluded enough to think that there was ever a "golden" age of creators, there has always been creators who were mostly in it for the profit from the beginning of time.
I think it's more now that I've become paranoid to seeing radicalization. These days everyone is all about seeing black and white, and I thought I could "regress" myself by thinking like that but the result was me basically trying to fit a circle in a square peg and in the end I only made myself more frustrated and worse off for it.
I know for a fact that this sort of thinking isn't healthy. How is it healthy to become overly paranoid of everything? Sure some paranoia can be rationalized, but not to the point where you become an invalid. Someone else said to all this is just excuses for taking responsibility for my own happiness, and I'm inclined to believe that's the case. Something happened to me years ago that made me believe that I didn't deserve happiness so I look for any excuse to make myself unhappy.
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>>10854
What they also said is that I'm afraid of life in general. I can't deny this either. Why am I afraid of life? Because life is unpredictable. I like predictability. I know it's boring but is it so bad to live a boring life? I don't think that's it either.
It's rather hard to enjoy life again after telling yourself you shouldn't. I had the keys to my own happiness all along I just... I dunno. I think if anything it's hard to admit that I'm not some big thinker like I think I am and that I'm a simple man with simple pleasures. I keep beating myself up for not wanting to be deep. But that's just an excuse too for not living my life if you really think about it.
Maybe I'm just overthinking all of this and I need sleep.
What they also said is that I'm afraid of life in general. I can't deny this either. Why am I afraid of life? Because life is unpredictable. I like predictability. I know it's boring but is it so bad to live a boring life? I don't think that's it either.
It's rather hard to enjoy life again after telling yourself you shouldn't. I had the keys to my own happiness all along I just... I dunno. I think if anything it's hard to admit that I'm not some big thinker like I think I am and that I'm a simple man with simple pleasures. I keep beating myself up for not wanting to be deep. But that's just an excuse too for not living my life if you really think about it.
Maybe I'm just overthinking all of this and I need sleep.
>>10854
>I think it's more now that I've become paranoid to seeing radicalization. These days everyone is all about seeing black and white, and I thought I could "regress" myself by thinking like that but the result was me basically trying to fit a circle in a square peg and in the end I only made myself more frustrated and worse off for it.
Well I feel that too a lot, but you know part of its having trust that things arent so vague and being able to have the creativity and humbleness to work within systems where things are very black and white. Or thats how I see it anyways. Some times you just have to take something as fact to make a decision. Its not accepting things are black and white its letting them be so you can make a decision.
our brains weren't or aren't very good or mine isnt at surviving in very abstract worlds with blurred lines and multiple correct answers or no wrong ones or ones without bad and good, and that is the world my brain likes to create. But you just ignore it sometimes. You have to have some preconceptions about various things places in the world in order to function as a normal human being otherwise you lose your mind I guarantee it.
>I think it's more now that I've become paranoid to seeing radicalization. These days everyone is all about seeing black and white, and I thought I could "regress" myself by thinking like that but the result was me basically trying to fit a circle in a square peg and in the end I only made myself more frustrated and worse off for it.
Well I feel that too a lot, but you know part of its having trust that things arent so vague and being able to have the creativity and humbleness to work within systems where things are very black and white. Or thats how I see it anyways. Some times you just have to take something as fact to make a decision. Its not accepting things are black and white its letting them be so you can make a decision.
our brains weren't or aren't very good or mine isnt at surviving in very abstract worlds with blurred lines and multiple correct answers or no wrong ones or ones without bad and good, and that is the world my brain likes to create. But you just ignore it sometimes. You have to have some preconceptions about various things places in the world in order to function as a normal human being otherwise you lose your mind I guarantee it.
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>>10857
After some introspection, this maybe a case of information overload for me. And it's a matter of filtering out the "good" information from the "bad." Or maybe not "bad" but "extraneous." What is the information I truly need? Do I really need to know what is the latest drama between whoever is having the latest fandom breakdown? Will knowing this information be vital in my life in any way?
I can break this down in many ways. There is a lot of information I consume that I truly do not need, and yet it causes me so much side effects because consuming it feels good.
Kind of like taking an information diet. I think I can recognize what was the "bad" or "extraneous" information I was consuming and giving me so much trouble over the years. This is something to think about definitely, yeah.
After some introspection, this maybe a case of information overload for me. And it's a matter of filtering out the "good" information from the "bad." Or maybe not "bad" but "extraneous." What is the information I truly need? Do I really need to know what is the latest drama between whoever is having the latest fandom breakdown? Will knowing this information be vital in my life in any way?
I can break this down in many ways. There is a lot of information I consume that I truly do not need, and yet it causes me so much side effects because consuming it feels good.
Kind of like taking an information diet. I think I can recognize what was the "bad" or "extraneous" information I was consuming and giving me so much trouble over the years. This is something to think about definitely, yeah.
>>10860
This makes it sounds like I'm advocating for censorship. I'm not. I'm just saying would my time be better spent reading the latest gossip rag that always makes me feel like soykaf or reading some classic literature that even if it bores me at least there's chance I could learn something new? Would my time be better spent watching anime or brewing soykaf on anime message boards where everybody treats each other like soykaf if they disagree with an opinion?
This makes it sounds like I'm advocating for censorship. I'm not. I'm just saying would my time be better spent reading the latest gossip rag that always makes me feel like soykaf or reading some classic literature that even if it bores me at least there's chance I could learn something new? Would my time be better spent watching anime or brewing soykaf on anime message boards where everybody treats each other like soykaf if they disagree with an opinion?
The oldest/closest friend I have got me to start coding, and we started getting really into it, together. I really liked it, and hanging out with him online because now we live far apart. His interest started to wane once, and I tried to catch him, call him out and let him know that he needed this.
He's closer to 30 then 20, and never really worked anywhere and lives with his dad and gets driven around by his very young girlfriend. I didn't judge him on this, because I think some people get late starts, and it's okay if you are trying to better yourself. The idea was he would get better at front-end dev, and then he would get a job. Idk what happened though, he went through this phase where he was just reading and not coding. In that time I got my first coding jobs, and told him that he would get one too.
I started working on a side project and invited him to work on it, and set some deadlines because I needed the project for something else. He seemed so interested, but then he didn't do anything about. I had to kick him off the project and hire a ukraine dude to finish his portion for me. I thought the project could have been an awesome portfolio part, because it would get a lot of attention. It has since gotten a lot of attention, but he's not on the project so it doesn't matter.
He was always saying how he didn't have time, or how he was going to code a lot after I went to sleep. I work full time and go to school full time, so it was so irritating, even grating to hear him say he didn't have time, because I was coding at night, or in the early hours of the morning. I kept asking him if he was demotivated, or if he needed help. I begged him not to quit coding, but he kept logging on less and less. Saying he was "busy", then he stopped logging on. I heard from a friend that she was meeting up with him over the past few days. Idk why it hurt me, I mean I knew the dude just dicks around on his computer at home, but I just felt betrayed that my long-term friend wouldn't just tell me what was going on to my face.
I since realized, that he was just bullsoykafting. I went through his github projects and all his commits were bullsoykaf like commenting and uncommenting a line, or copying and pasting something from free code camp. All the reading he was doing was bullsoykaf, he was just a lazy good for nothing bullsoykafer. I got a second coding job now, I don't do web dev, I think it's dumb--so I am doing some really cool stuff, but it's been sitting heavy on me recently that I may have lost a friend for some bs reason.
I have been trying not think about it, but I know the guy very well and he lacks a lot of structure, basic structure, he dropped out of school early, never was forced to work or anything just played hundreds of hours of games all of his life. I imagine he hated that coding got hard, and didn't know the way around it, but I'm just talking here. Feels nice to write it down. If he gets in touch with me I'm in to talk to him. However, for now, fuarrrk that guy. I can't stand lazy people, especially lazy people who mooch off of other people
I know you use this board, if you see this, fuarrrk you you are lazy and no one in your life ever tells you it, and they never have. Grow the fuarrrk up, because your dad can't support you forever, and he is working through his retirement to not kick you out, you can't keep dating young girls because you have nothing in common with women your age, and you will never break into anything if you don't work hard. fuarrrk you for wasting my time, and my belief in your ability to excel. I'll always be here if you need me.
He's closer to 30 then 20, and never really worked anywhere and lives with his dad and gets driven around by his very young girlfriend. I didn't judge him on this, because I think some people get late starts, and it's okay if you are trying to better yourself. The idea was he would get better at front-end dev, and then he would get a job. Idk what happened though, he went through this phase where he was just reading and not coding. In that time I got my first coding jobs, and told him that he would get one too.
I started working on a side project and invited him to work on it, and set some deadlines because I needed the project for something else. He seemed so interested, but then he didn't do anything about. I had to kick him off the project and hire a ukraine dude to finish his portion for me. I thought the project could have been an awesome portfolio part, because it would get a lot of attention. It has since gotten a lot of attention, but he's not on the project so it doesn't matter.
He was always saying how he didn't have time, or how he was going to code a lot after I went to sleep. I work full time and go to school full time, so it was so irritating, even grating to hear him say he didn't have time, because I was coding at night, or in the early hours of the morning. I kept asking him if he was demotivated, or if he needed help. I begged him not to quit coding, but he kept logging on less and less. Saying he was "busy", then he stopped logging on. I heard from a friend that she was meeting up with him over the past few days. Idk why it hurt me, I mean I knew the dude just dicks around on his computer at home, but I just felt betrayed that my long-term friend wouldn't just tell me what was going on to my face.
I since realized, that he was just bullsoykafting. I went through his github projects and all his commits were bullsoykaf like commenting and uncommenting a line, or copying and pasting something from free code camp. All the reading he was doing was bullsoykaf, he was just a lazy good for nothing bullsoykafer. I got a second coding job now, I don't do web dev, I think it's dumb--so I am doing some really cool stuff, but it's been sitting heavy on me recently that I may have lost a friend for some bs reason.
I have been trying not think about it, but I know the guy very well and he lacks a lot of structure, basic structure, he dropped out of school early, never was forced to work or anything just played hundreds of hours of games all of his life. I imagine he hated that coding got hard, and didn't know the way around it, but I'm just talking here. Feels nice to write it down. If he gets in touch with me I'm in to talk to him. However, for now, fuarrrk that guy. I can't stand lazy people, especially lazy people who mooch off of other people
I know you use this board, if you see this, fuarrrk you you are lazy and no one in your life ever tells you it, and they never have. Grow the fuarrrk up, because your dad can't support you forever, and he is working through his retirement to not kick you out, you can't keep dating young girls because you have nothing in common with women your age, and you will never break into anything if you don't work hard. fuarrrk you for wasting my time, and my belief in your ability to excel. I'll always be here if you need me.
>>10866
I've got a semi related story about a small thing that someone did that hurt me.
This was way back in high school, there was a guy "Garry" with no friends who was annoying as soykaf. He spent most of his time either by him self or trying to worm his way into our wee group. At one point a few of us started skiing/snowboarding, he took this opportunity to do some worming and invited him self along. It went ok but no one was really happy about him being there, so when it came to organising the next trip we had too choose to invite him back or leave him. I, being weak willed, knew I'd feel bad leaving him out to dry like that so said we should invite him along.
That was the crucial point where he officially became part of our group
Time goes by, ended up inviting him self to a metal festival with us at one point. I even missed the one band I wanted to see to baby sit him while he was sick in his shoes. This was probably the peak of our friendship. After this however he's starting to not hang about with us as much, trying to worm his way in with more popular people. There were a few minor incidents where he wouldn't come out with just us but if so-and-so was coming suddenly he was free. Not a huge deal, I wasn't terribly sad to see him gone.
This however was the issue. Final year in high school and all the 6th years have a soykafty room we sit in with a radio and ps2. Normally people listened to the chart stations but this day I decided to put on the rock station. I knew I would get soykaf and no one would back me up on this but I was feeling edgy. Sure enough everyone is moaning at me in no time and no one is backing me up. Out of no where Garry, who has been sitting with some popular girls gets up and puts it back on to the top 20 station.
Now I know this is nothing, but I hadn't seen him get up to do it. So when I turn round to confront a norm, I was blown away. All I could think was this is the guy with fuarrrking slipknot posters on his wall, who invited him self to metal festival with me and made me miss the band I wanted to see, who wouldn't have had the opportunity to be in this very situation if it wasn't for me, is now knifing me in the back and throwing away what I thought to be his personality way to win some brownie points with people who have no interest in him.
I never liked him properly an any point but there is still just something about that moment that gets to me. The fact that I knew he liked the music I had on, so he didn't even have that excuse. He didn't even just sit quietly and let every one hate me, there were other metal heads doing just that, but actively got up and put on something he didn't like. Just so willing to throw everything away to get half a step up the popularity ladder.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YKcabMXAjUU
I've got a semi related story about a small thing that someone did that hurt me.
This was way back in high school, there was a guy "Garry" with no friends who was annoying as soykaf. He spent most of his time either by him self or trying to worm his way into our wee group. At one point a few of us started skiing/snowboarding, he took this opportunity to do some worming and invited him self along. It went ok but no one was really happy about him being there, so when it came to organising the next trip we had too choose to invite him back or leave him. I, being weak willed, knew I'd feel bad leaving him out to dry like that so said we should invite him along.
That was the crucial point where he officially became part of our group
Time goes by, ended up inviting him self to a metal festival with us at one point. I even missed the one band I wanted to see to baby sit him while he was sick in his shoes. This was probably the peak of our friendship. After this however he's starting to not hang about with us as much, trying to worm his way in with more popular people. There were a few minor incidents where he wouldn't come out with just us but if so-and-so was coming suddenly he was free. Not a huge deal, I wasn't terribly sad to see him gone.
This however was the issue. Final year in high school and all the 6th years have a soykafty room we sit in with a radio and ps2. Normally people listened to the chart stations but this day I decided to put on the rock station. I knew I would get soykaf and no one would back me up on this but I was feeling edgy. Sure enough everyone is moaning at me in no time and no one is backing me up. Out of no where Garry, who has been sitting with some popular girls gets up and puts it back on to the top 20 station.
Now I know this is nothing, but I hadn't seen him get up to do it. So when I turn round to confront a norm, I was blown away. All I could think was this is the guy with fuarrrking slipknot posters on his wall, who invited him self to metal festival with me and made me miss the band I wanted to see, who wouldn't have had the opportunity to be in this very situation if it wasn't for me, is now knifing me in the back and throwing away what I thought to be his personality way to win some brownie points with people who have no interest in him.
I never liked him properly an any point but there is still just something about that moment that gets to me. The fact that I knew he liked the music I had on, so he didn't even have that excuse. He didn't even just sit quietly and let every one hate me, there were other metal heads doing just that, but actively got up and put on something he didn't like. Just so willing to throw everything away to get half a step up the popularity ladder.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YKcabMXAjUU
Thoughts of death are almost a daily occurrence with me. I don't have the courage to kill myself, but there isn't a single day I hadn't wished that I would just cease to exist. I've been struggling with thoughts about my past. About the many mistakes I consciously made when I was younger and wasn't aware of what I was doing. One of the biggest regrets I have is turning a dream relationship with the of my dreams into a nightmare for her.
>>10449
I had a good friend that I met through my cousin. The three of us would get on Skype or Discord and play games, talk about gaming and all of that. I admit sometimes I got annoying, and I regret that. One day friend stopped responding and messaging my cousin, and I. It's been like 6 months+? He isn't dead, but just blocked us out. I kinda miss him...
I had a good friend that I met through my cousin. The three of us would get on Skype or Discord and play games, talk about gaming and all of that. I admit sometimes I got annoying, and I regret that. One day friend stopped responding and messaging my cousin, and I. It's been like 6 months+? He isn't dead, but just blocked us out. I kinda miss him...
Life has been pretty bland for me lately. I don't really have any hobbies, don't feel happy or excited, don't have any motivation, I am always fuarrrking bored. I just feel like moving to the woods and spending my days hiking, camping, hunting, fishing, and etc. Don't know what to do Lains... Life kinda is like kicking dead whales down the beach.
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I just want off this world already
Whatever is next is probably better than this
It feels like I'm doing all the "right" things, but I get punished for reasons I'll never know
Yeah, I understand more than the next person about playing to outs but it feels like soykaf knowing I need to roll 1,000 consecutive 20s, you know?
Whatever is next is probably better than this
It feels like I'm doing all the "right" things, but I get punished for reasons I'll never know
Yeah, I understand more than the next person about playing to outs but it feels like soykaf knowing I need to roll 1,000 consecutive 20s, you know?
So when I was young kid, I had a huge dream. But reality reared its ugly head when I became an adult. The thing is even if my dream was smashed, I think I discovered something important about myself. I'm more about designing characters than writing stories. It's like I have to set my priorities not so much lower, but to something different, and it's been so hard to do adjusting to that sort of thing. The path I want to embark seems better and yet I feel like I'm failing my younger self.
My father and I keep getting into awful fights and it's draining me. On top of depression and other stresses I have never felt this unhappy in my entire life.
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Everything good in life is a trap where evil lurks behind the mask waiting to eat you, but not before playing with you like a cat with a mouse.
I am being sucked down constantly in a black spiral that goes deeper and deeper seemingly never ending.
Slowly suficating along the way but never enough to kill you.
The more you struggle the deeper you get sucked in, eventually the inevitable exhaustion will leave you exposed and open to be consumed by the overwhelming fear in its most raw form.
Behind every door at every corridor you run to lies a chamber of horrors waiting just for you.
I want to die so badly, but what i want even more is to destroy this wretched world that caused me this.
I want to do my best to fight this, but my powers are leaving me, my weapons have become dull and my allies are falling one by one being slaughtered or worse becoming absorbed the same evil to haunt me.
Every strike impotent and only enrages the monster and the only place left to run to and hide is from where i cannot escape.
My once brilliant mind is filled with fear and the more i know the less i understand and worse the it makes me want to understand less.
All of this is going in mind, i cannot tell anymore if my mind is a reflection of reality or reality a reflection of my mind.
I wish i could lie down and die, but i cant.
I am being sucked down constantly in a black spiral that goes deeper and deeper seemingly never ending.
Slowly suficating along the way but never enough to kill you.
The more you struggle the deeper you get sucked in, eventually the inevitable exhaustion will leave you exposed and open to be consumed by the overwhelming fear in its most raw form.
Behind every door at every corridor you run to lies a chamber of horrors waiting just for you.
I want to die so badly, but what i want even more is to destroy this wretched world that caused me this.
I want to do my best to fight this, but my powers are leaving me, my weapons have become dull and my allies are falling one by one being slaughtered or worse becoming absorbed the same evil to haunt me.
Every strike impotent and only enrages the monster and the only place left to run to and hide is from where i cannot escape.
My once brilliant mind is filled with fear and the more i know the less i understand and worse the it makes me want to understand less.
All of this is going in mind, i cannot tell anymore if my mind is a reflection of reality or reality a reflection of my mind.
I wish i could lie down and die, but i cant.
My grandmother is dying...
I really hoped she'd live long enough to see me succeed in something. She paid for my college education, and now that she's fading within the week, I feel nothing but sadness and pain.
I love her so much, because she was the only who taught me to be adventurous and bold. She took care of me when my dad couldn't get a babysitter. She showed me fuarrrking Godfather, and saw me smile at the violent imagery.
Someone that special cannot be replaced...
I really hoped she'd live long enough to see me succeed in something. She paid for my college education, and now that she's fading within the week, I feel nothing but sadness and pain.
I love her so much, because she was the only who taught me to be adventurous and bold. She took care of me when my dad couldn't get a babysitter. She showed me fuarrrking Godfather, and saw me smile at the violent imagery.
Someone that special cannot be replaced...
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>>10945
I am sorry, but you are objectively wrong, The world is full of idiots, annoying people, closet retards, trolls, glitterboys, incompetent experts, and deluded loudmouths; the proper emotion to get sucked in by towards the world is not despair but anger. GET MAD!
I am sorry, but you are objectively wrong, The world is full of idiots, annoying people, closet retards, trolls, glitterboys, incompetent experts, and deluded loudmouths; the proper emotion to get sucked in by towards the world is not despair but anger. GET MAD!
took a break from everything thinking i'd feel better after 4 or 5 days. i'm still miserable as ever.
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>>10950
I am sorry to hear, sounds like a terrible loss, i hope you carry her spirit on.
>>10949
It was a bad day, like many others.
But this cheered me up a bit.
>>10953
I have a few other things i want to read right now, but i will keep an eye out for it.
But i am not content on giving up, if things will crush me then i will be glad having given it my last and maybe i will serve as an example for good or bad.
>>10951
I am angry, almost constantly, i hate almost everyone and everything and the few things i dont, am forced to look on helplessly as they perish.
Constantly i think of how bad things are, and scheme all sorts of scenarios and plots and plans and just plain old phantasies of how to crush this awful world.
Yet i cannot come up with anything and i know that plain anger and aggression will only fuel this monster i battle with further.
All the time i think of making a last ditch move, but i must hold back to stand a chance.
Also once in a while i would just like to be happy, while it makes me utterly sick that all sorts of pathetic selfish scum make it in life without effort while i had to fight every day with all i had only to not secumb to the pressure that was put on me.
I try my hardest to put my skill and talent to good use while also having to struggle with my ambition pushing me into things that requires so much energy yet it is drained by crippling depression and fear.
Once in a while i would just like to have a little something good from life too, something that lasts and has meaning.
Yet all i a have are breadcrumbs which i follow tirelessly, lain down by someone in this maze that i follow restlessly to find a way out, to find solutions.
I am sorry to hear, sounds like a terrible loss, i hope you carry her spirit on.
>>10949
It was a bad day, like many others.
But this cheered me up a bit.
>>10953
I have a few other things i want to read right now, but i will keep an eye out for it.
But i am not content on giving up, if things will crush me then i will be glad having given it my last and maybe i will serve as an example for good or bad.
>>10951
I am angry, almost constantly, i hate almost everyone and everything and the few things i dont, am forced to look on helplessly as they perish.
Constantly i think of how bad things are, and scheme all sorts of scenarios and plots and plans and just plain old phantasies of how to crush this awful world.
Yet i cannot come up with anything and i know that plain anger and aggression will only fuel this monster i battle with further.
All the time i think of making a last ditch move, but i must hold back to stand a chance.
Also once in a while i would just like to be happy, while it makes me utterly sick that all sorts of pathetic selfish scum make it in life without effort while i had to fight every day with all i had only to not secumb to the pressure that was put on me.
I try my hardest to put my skill and talent to good use while also having to struggle with my ambition pushing me into things that requires so much energy yet it is drained by crippling depression and fear.
Once in a while i would just like to have a little something good from life too, something that lasts and has meaning.
Yet all i a have are breadcrumbs which i follow tirelessly, lain down by someone in this maze that i follow restlessly to find a way out, to find solutions.
I have a crippling fear and insecurity that if I dont continue to push myself and do new things even if they are dangerous I will start failing again. If I spend a day just playing video games all day even if im having fun I feel like that one day sets me back a week emotionally, physically, socially, and mentally.
I dont know how much longer I can keep this up or if its safe even.
I dont know how much longer I can keep this up or if its safe even.
>>10958
It's not safe. Pushing yourself to your goals is a good thing, but not at the cost of your well being. Take a day to sit down and chill, but never forget your goal. I know saying to just 'take it easy' is kinda similar to the whole 'thinking of you' thing, but consider this: You won't be able to enjoy whatever you are trying to accomplish if you don't live to see it. A bit dark, but don't push yourself too hard. We're always here if you want to vent. Stay strong, lainon.
It's not safe. Pushing yourself to your goals is a good thing, but not at the cost of your well being. Take a day to sit down and chill, but never forget your goal. I know saying to just 'take it easy' is kinda similar to the whole 'thinking of you' thing, but consider this: You won't be able to enjoy whatever you are trying to accomplish if you don't live to see it. A bit dark, but don't push yourself too hard. We're always here if you want to vent. Stay strong, lainon.
I've not known how I feel for about a week now. It's a strange feeling, to be be aware of my lack of awareness, yet still being unable to reach any clarity, about how I feel, how I'm doing, and worst of all, I can tell I'm acting different, I just don't know how to stop.
I have been sad for some time now, loss of friends, loss of my first girl friend, lacking real company. I've reached a point now where I have a couple real life friends that I see from time to time, but we're not close. During this time I reached out to people online, started making friends all over the world, and I became pretty close.
This was a period of absolute awareness, I knew how I felt, had an idea of why I felt that way, and could understand everything I did and why I felt like soykaf, I knew I was an alright person.
Recently I've been getting pretty comfy with my internet friends, and a bit over-zealous. deffinetly noticed this change as soon as it started, and made one friend aware, I didn't really know what else was happening though. Tonight some one else said something to me, and said they realized I was acting different, but I don't know why. I couldn't even figure out how to move forward with out just closing my self back off, which feels terrible. But for a while know, I think every day "I hate my self". I lost that awareness, and I really don't like my self right now.
A little later on this same night, just moments ago I did have a nice little conversation though, and I think I am reaching some clarity, maybe it took this to really face it, and realize how to move forward. That being said, I don't know how I feel, I don't feel happy, I don't feel sad, I just am. I'm not sure that I'm content, but I'm not in a state of discomfort, where the fuarrrk even am I as a person right now, on an emotional evel?
I feel a little bit more clear now, as I have said, less lossed, but I felt that this needed to be put down, and hopefull some one can offer me some advice, thanks lains.
I have been sad for some time now, loss of friends, loss of my first girl friend, lacking real company. I've reached a point now where I have a couple real life friends that I see from time to time, but we're not close. During this time I reached out to people online, started making friends all over the world, and I became pretty close.
This was a period of absolute awareness, I knew how I felt, had an idea of why I felt that way, and could understand everything I did and why I felt like soykaf, I knew I was an alright person.
Recently I've been getting pretty comfy with my internet friends, and a bit over-zealous. deffinetly noticed this change as soon as it started, and made one friend aware, I didn't really know what else was happening though. Tonight some one else said something to me, and said they realized I was acting different, but I don't know why. I couldn't even figure out how to move forward with out just closing my self back off, which feels terrible. But for a while know, I think every day "I hate my self". I lost that awareness, and I really don't like my self right now.
A little later on this same night, just moments ago I did have a nice little conversation though, and I think I am reaching some clarity, maybe it took this to really face it, and realize how to move forward. That being said, I don't know how I feel, I don't feel happy, I don't feel sad, I just am. I'm not sure that I'm content, but I'm not in a state of discomfort, where the fuarrrk even am I as a person right now, on an emotional evel?
I feel a little bit more clear now, as I have said, less lossed, but I felt that this needed to be put down, and hopefull some one can offer me some advice, thanks lains.
I was feeling pretty hopeful last night, so I ate a healthier (and fuller) dinner than usual and went to bed early, only to wake up and feel horrible in the morning. I was constantly uncomfortable, and once the day began every minute felt like five. After two hours I had to come home. It was impossible to focus.
It's incredible how much feeling I've lost over the past few years. The closer I look, the more things I find have changed. They range from normal pleasures like television shows and literature, to grand pleasures like being accepted to a prestigious university or getting a good job, to small things like what people on the internet call feeling "comfy" or how nice it feels to sit in a chatroom with others. The other day I binged through a list of my favorite albums, and hardly enjoyed any of it. My lust for life is snuffed out like a candle in water. Other people don't understand. I'm not bored with how my life currently is, I'm unable to not be bored when something good does happen.
It feels as if I'm not alive. My experiences aren't comparable with the people around me, I have to put on a mask to not stand out. I hate it.
It's incredible how much feeling I've lost over the past few years. The closer I look, the more things I find have changed. They range from normal pleasures like television shows and literature, to grand pleasures like being accepted to a prestigious university or getting a good job, to small things like what people on the internet call feeling "comfy" or how nice it feels to sit in a chatroom with others. The other day I binged through a list of my favorite albums, and hardly enjoyed any of it. My lust for life is snuffed out like a candle in water. Other people don't understand. I'm not bored with how my life currently is, I'm unable to not be bored when something good does happen.
It feels as if I'm not alive. My experiences aren't comparable with the people around me, I have to put on a mask to not stand out. I hate it.
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>>10969
There's another thing. The magic of the world is gone. Whenever I'm out driving, I can't help but look outside and wonder "What's the point?". Everything looks like a futile attempt to fight off the soykaftiness and emptiness that is existence. I used to like thinking of Japan because they have an amazing society that's organized and pretty, but now all I can think of is how it amounts to nothing, and it depresses me.
The above pics are the work of Italian painter Giorgio de Chirico, whose art heavily influenced the box art for the video game Ico. I discovered them yesterday. There's a mystery and wonder in these paintings that I would have loved a few years ago, and I know this, but now all I can do is shrug.
There's another thing. The magic of the world is gone. Whenever I'm out driving, I can't help but look outside and wonder "What's the point?". Everything looks like a futile attempt to fight off the soykaftiness and emptiness that is existence. I used to like thinking of Japan because they have an amazing society that's organized and pretty, but now all I can think of is how it amounts to nothing, and it depresses me.
The above pics are the work of Italian painter Giorgio de Chirico, whose art heavily influenced the box art for the video game Ico. I discovered them yesterday. There's a mystery and wonder in these paintings that I would have loved a few years ago, and I know this, but now all I can do is shrug.
>>10970
Perhaps then you should create something important to you. Many artists paint to represent what they are feeling or what they think about a topic. No one can create more impactful to you than yourself. :)
>>10969
I know the feeling, friend. Have you tried a road-trip or something similar? Perhaps you need a change of scenery. Those around us also develop and change, so a fresh start never hurts. Don't forget the people that helped you and befriended you though, but also don't be afraid to go out and try new things!
>>10964
I am experiencing this right now. I don't honestly know how to fix it, but I think we'll both have that one day soon that will just remind us of who we really are. This board is always around if you need to vent or get something off your chest, so feel free to stop by anytime. Perhaps, if I were to offer a suggestion, your new internet friends could help you identify what the issue is. Keeping something like this bottled up may not end well for either of us. Stay strong, lainon.
Perhaps then you should create something important to you. Many artists paint to represent what they are feeling or what they think about a topic. No one can create more impactful to you than yourself. :)
>>10969
I know the feeling, friend. Have you tried a road-trip or something similar? Perhaps you need a change of scenery. Those around us also develop and change, so a fresh start never hurts. Don't forget the people that helped you and befriended you though, but also don't be afraid to go out and try new things!
>>10964
I am experiencing this right now. I don't honestly know how to fix it, but I think we'll both have that one day soon that will just remind us of who we really are. This board is always around if you need to vent or get something off your chest, so feel free to stop by anytime. Perhaps, if I were to offer a suggestion, your new internet friends could help you identify what the issue is. Keeping something like this bottled up may not end well for either of us. Stay strong, lainon.
>>10972
>I've got no money for a change of scenery right now, but I'll be forced into one later this year.
I hope you don't mean homelessness. If you need help, please reach out, there are people that can help. Not everyone can see a psychologist and be immediately fixed, but there are people that can help prevent you from going homeless. Don't give up!
As for feeling empty, maybe you need to give yourself a purpose. Many people find happiness when they contribute to a charity (Help plant trees, protect wildlife, etc.), so that might be an option. The sad truth is that we may (And most likely will) never know our true purpose or why we exist, but if we spend all our time thinking about that, we can't enjoy our life.
>I've got no money for a change of scenery right now, but I'll be forced into one later this year.
I hope you don't mean homelessness. If you need help, please reach out, there are people that can help. Not everyone can see a psychologist and be immediately fixed, but there are people that can help prevent you from going homeless. Don't give up!
As for feeling empty, maybe you need to give yourself a purpose. Many people find happiness when they contribute to a charity (Help plant trees, protect wildlife, etc.), so that might be an option. The sad truth is that we may (And most likely will) never know our true purpose or why we exist, but if we spend all our time thinking about that, we can't enjoy our life.
>>10975
No, I'm about to leave for college.
It's not that I lack a purpose or anything. My problem is that I am physically losing the ability to enjoy life like I used to. My sex drive is going down. I can't focus in school. Any pleasurable thing I do only impacts my mood for a few minutes before it returns to the baseline dullness. All the nice little pleasures that grease the gears of life have dried up, and now I feel like nothing. I'm not professionally diagnosed, but I think it's Persistent Depressive Disorder, and my therapist agreed. I already plan on trying meds to help my problem, right now I'm just venting. Almost all of my high school experience was mediocre because of a disease I've just recently learned about, and I'm still not sure it's treatable.
No, I'm about to leave for college.
It's not that I lack a purpose or anything. My problem is that I am physically losing the ability to enjoy life like I used to. My sex drive is going down. I can't focus in school. Any pleasurable thing I do only impacts my mood for a few minutes before it returns to the baseline dullness. All the nice little pleasures that grease the gears of life have dried up, and now I feel like nothing. I'm not professionally diagnosed, but I think it's Persistent Depressive Disorder, and my therapist agreed. I already plan on trying meds to help my problem, right now I'm just venting. Almost all of my high school experience was mediocre because of a disease I've just recently learned about, and I'm still not sure it's treatable.
>>10977
>I already plan on trying meds to help my problem, right now I'm just venting.
That's what we're here for. :)
We'll all keep our fingers crossed for you friend, and I hope that the meds you get can help. I have pretty bad ADHD, so I know bad it can be to not be able to focus on things like school.
I know it's a bit far-fetched, but what if (Provided the disease is not treatable, which I hope it is treatable) you tried to find a way to treat it? That moment when everything just clicks on a problem you've been working on is one of the most satisfying things in life, and it could help you feel like you're enjoying it, while also helping solve a huge issue. We're all rooting for you, friend!
>I already plan on trying meds to help my problem, right now I'm just venting.
That's what we're here for. :)
We'll all keep our fingers crossed for you friend, and I hope that the meds you get can help. I have pretty bad ADHD, so I know bad it can be to not be able to focus on things like school.
I know it's a bit far-fetched, but what if (Provided the disease is not treatable, which I hope it is treatable) you tried to find a way to treat it? That moment when everything just clicks on a problem you've been working on is one of the most satisfying things in life, and it could help you feel like you're enjoying it, while also helping solve a huge issue. We're all rooting for you, friend!
I'm starting to grow very bitter. I have been so busy for the last few months with school and working jobs and general trying to better myself for the future that I am noticing a reduced sympathy for lazy people. Reduced sympathy should be revised to hatred, I am growing hatred for lazy people. I am learning (slowly), what hardwork really means and how I have spent my entire life not doing it, and that now that I am actually doing it everyone I know and grew up with is just lazy and on drugs, or lazy and fuarrrking underage women at 27 years old. When I talk to my friends and they say " yeah man I just can't get a job", chills run up my spine. In my classes people say they don't have time to do assignments that I have had done for 2 weeks and work full time, when they are just lounging around watching netflix. What I have been realizing is that there are so many hours in a week. To spend those in the way that I have my entire life: Masturbating, and posting on image boards, is disgusting. I become repulsed by lazy, by apathy, I am cutting friendships for productivity, and I don't know how sustainable that really is. The worst part is that I am one of those >minorities from >poverty that people around me at uni are constantly telling me: "Wow someone like you making it this far is incredible", and idiotic soykaf like that. It feels brainwashed, my friends tell me that they 'check their privilege' around me because of my background. soykaf like that.
Man if I would have known at 15 what I do now at 26, I would have been a very wealthy man. It's ridiculous, to me that all I had to do, this entire time, is just work my ass off. I never did because I assumed that was a futile effort, that people like me didn't go places because we were eternally lazy. Now I'm not lazy, and I hate lazy people. I hate that I am on a "diversity" scholarship, I hate that all my friends are seeing me progress and don't applaud my hard work, but instead applaud my race, my background. No one ever tells me "Hey Lainon, you work very hard" it's always "you were so lucky to be given this chance" "You are so lucky to have gotten out of this town". In Reality I left due to hard work, there was no scholarship that took me out of that soykaf hole ghetto town with drugs and heroin and brought me to an ivy league school. There was work, I packed my fuarrrking bags I moved to the town of the university I wanted to go to, I walked right in there, and I looked the person in the fuarrrking eyes, and said "I have one year, and I want to be here at this university, please detail for me what I can do to make that happen". They gave me a fuarrrking list, and I followed it step by fuarrrking step. Not because I am black, but because I was tired of being fuarrrking lazy, surrounded by apathetic anime trash and fighting game communities. I log on to our home mumble channel periodically because I am lonely, even though I am married now there is loneliness in trying to succeed. Every time I log on there is a fuarrrking comment about how "lucky" I am. How I am so "rich" now. There is loneliness in my life from waking up at 4 am to start my day so that I can do everything I need to do, but I can't relate to anyone out here. I don't want to make black friends just because they are black--even still the black people around here are too busy studying bullsoykaf and complaining about the president to stop and be people. The people in my program are too obsessed by my race to just be my friend, the professors, the administration, it's disgusting. I am disgusted.
Man if I would have known at 15 what I do now at 26, I would have been a very wealthy man. It's ridiculous, to me that all I had to do, this entire time, is just work my ass off. I never did because I assumed that was a futile effort, that people like me didn't go places because we were eternally lazy. Now I'm not lazy, and I hate lazy people. I hate that I am on a "diversity" scholarship, I hate that all my friends are seeing me progress and don't applaud my hard work, but instead applaud my race, my background. No one ever tells me "Hey Lainon, you work very hard" it's always "you were so lucky to be given this chance" "You are so lucky to have gotten out of this town". In Reality I left due to hard work, there was no scholarship that took me out of that soykaf hole ghetto town with drugs and heroin and brought me to an ivy league school. There was work, I packed my fuarrrking bags I moved to the town of the university I wanted to go to, I walked right in there, and I looked the person in the fuarrrking eyes, and said "I have one year, and I want to be here at this university, please detail for me what I can do to make that happen". They gave me a fuarrrking list, and I followed it step by fuarrrking step. Not because I am black, but because I was tired of being fuarrrking lazy, surrounded by apathetic anime trash and fighting game communities. I log on to our home mumble channel periodically because I am lonely, even though I am married now there is loneliness in trying to succeed. Every time I log on there is a fuarrrking comment about how "lucky" I am. How I am so "rich" now. There is loneliness in my life from waking up at 4 am to start my day so that I can do everything I need to do, but I can't relate to anyone out here. I don't want to make black friends just because they are black--even still the black people around here are too busy studying bullsoykaf and complaining about the president to stop and be people. The people in my program are too obsessed by my race to just be my friend, the professors, the administration, it's disgusting. I am disgusted.
I've spent so much time having no other social interactions other than imageboards, and it's getting to me. All my input from the outside world comes from 1st world edgy teenagers, and undoubtedly I have unconsciously adopted some of their traits. Now my perception of things is unrealistic and averse. I don't trust people anymore and I don't feel like I am able to make friends at all.
It is also funny how the term "inform" has come to mean the exact opposite of what it originally stood for. Lately I cannot help but to see how deluded people in imageboards are for the most part, and how we have a little culture of blatantly stupid and simplistic views and relying on slurs and insults to deal with everything that doesn't fit our little box. I can't stand this anymore but I have nowhere else to go, and the internet at large is the same. Even from recalling what my friends in meatspace were like, I realize that perhaps the majority of people are like this in one way or another.
I guess I should just be otherworldly, and try to break out of my comfort zone and meet some people around here.
It is also funny how the term "inform" has come to mean the exact opposite of what it originally stood for. Lately I cannot help but to see how deluded people in imageboards are for the most part, and how we have a little culture of blatantly stupid and simplistic views and relying on slurs and insults to deal with everything that doesn't fit our little box. I can't stand this anymore but I have nowhere else to go, and the internet at large is the same. Even from recalling what my friends in meatspace were like, I realize that perhaps the majority of people are like this in one way or another.
I guess I should just be otherworldly, and try to break out of my comfort zone and meet some people around here.
>>10986
People tend to get aggressive and lazy when they are anonymous, sadly. As for meeting new people, don't be deterred if you don't meet someone you can relate or connect to right way. It takes time, but having a real life friend you can vent to and count on is always a good thing!
>>10982
Sadly, we live in a society that operates in that fashion. We also will have people on the opposite end of the spectrum that will assume you skated to where you are based on your race. But hold your head up high! The most important person you can impact with your hard work is you! You know what it took to get you to where you are, and that's what is important. I have a friend in a similar situation to yours. He's studying to be a doctor and going to the Imperial College of London, but in real life, he doesn't have many friends. If he speaks up too often to ask or answer a question in class, people think he's just trying to be a 'know-it-all', when he really wants to actually learn. He works really hard, almost to the point where I need to snap him out of studying whatever is happening that week. His parents think he just plays games all day every day, but he busts his ass 24/7 to be the best he can. Work is often unappreciated due to things like race and origin, but you only need to know yourself how hard you worked to get where you are today.
Stay strong, lainons!
People tend to get aggressive and lazy when they are anonymous, sadly. As for meeting new people, don't be deterred if you don't meet someone you can relate or connect to right way. It takes time, but having a real life friend you can vent to and count on is always a good thing!
>>10982
Sadly, we live in a society that operates in that fashion. We also will have people on the opposite end of the spectrum that will assume you skated to where you are based on your race. But hold your head up high! The most important person you can impact with your hard work is you! You know what it took to get you to where you are, and that's what is important. I have a friend in a similar situation to yours. He's studying to be a doctor and going to the Imperial College of London, but in real life, he doesn't have many friends. If he speaks up too often to ask or answer a question in class, people think he's just trying to be a 'know-it-all', when he really wants to actually learn. He works really hard, almost to the point where I need to snap him out of studying whatever is happening that week. His parents think he just plays games all day every day, but he busts his ass 24/7 to be the best he can. Work is often unappreciated due to things like race and origin, but you only need to know yourself how hard you worked to get where you are today.
Stay strong, lainons!
>>10978
I do have a plan to treat it now., and surprisingly, I'm more content with my future now than I have been at any random time within the previous year, I think. Because while it's true that I enjoyed a higher number of things in life back then, the panic caused by not knowing whether or not it was in my head was unbearable. I enjoyed music and VNs much, much more six months ago, yet having the knowledge that I absolutely do have a problem is much more valuable than those few pleasures. There's no need to cling to every sparse pleasure now. I understand exactly what's been happening over the past few years, and I'm not panicked anymore. I had so much evidence for my problem that the conclusion was unavoidable.
Once, I thought it was my personality, and I was destined to only like a couple things and simply not enjoy life like everyone else. Now I know that I can change it, and I feel truly optimistic for once.
I do have a plan to treat it now., and surprisingly, I'm more content with my future now than I have been at any random time within the previous year, I think. Because while it's true that I enjoyed a higher number of things in life back then, the panic caused by not knowing whether or not it was in my head was unbearable. I enjoyed music and VNs much, much more six months ago, yet having the knowledge that I absolutely do have a problem is much more valuable than those few pleasures. There's no need to cling to every sparse pleasure now. I understand exactly what's been happening over the past few years, and I'm not panicked anymore. I had so much evidence for my problem that the conclusion was unavoidable.
Once, I thought it was my personality, and I was destined to only like a couple things and simply not enjoy life like everyone else. Now I know that I can change it, and I feel truly optimistic for once.
I've been rethinking my own sexuality again, but a lot of places about it just tend to be too hugbox-y and horribly volatile to any group that isn't their own. Or they're too worried about being seen as degenerate which makes them come off as being overly insecure over the fact that they fap to trap porn.
I'm pretty comfortable with the fact that I maybe a deviant, I know what it is I want and don't want. I understand that I maybe missing out on a great emotional connection, but I'll deal with it, just like the people who can't eat certain things. I don't really need anybody to feel pity for me, just to understand where I'm coming from. I also realize that I may change too. I don't have a need to be loyal to a label.
I'm pretty comfortable with the fact that I maybe a deviant, I know what it is I want and don't want. I understand that I maybe missing out on a great emotional connection, but I'll deal with it, just like the people who can't eat certain things. I don't really need anybody to feel pity for me, just to understand where I'm coming from. I also realize that I may change too. I don't have a need to be loyal to a label.
>>10982
Aside from the societal specifics, find something special to you. If it's your family, cherish them. If it's your friends, support them. If it's self-development then develop yourself. If you can't find it, search for it. Chasing success for the sake of itself is a hollow victory: after that success you'll lose your drive from a lack of goals, because you only thought that far.
Aside from the societal specifics, find something special to you. If it's your family, cherish them. If it's your friends, support them. If it's self-development then develop yourself. If you can't find it, search for it. Chasing success for the sake of itself is a hollow victory: after that success you'll lose your drive from a lack of goals, because you only thought that far.
God damn it.
I fuarrrked up again, guys.
I've got so much work to do. I can't do it all tonight. I put it off, and this paper's due tomorrow. I'm going to fail, certainly.
I fuarrrked up again, guys.
I've got so much work to do. I can't do it all tonight. I put it off, and this paper's due tomorrow. I'm going to fail, certainly.
I think I need to find Jesus or something. I'm nearly 28 and have no friends, a job I hate (at least it pays well), and have never had a girlfriend. I just keep sabotaging myself. I've always subscribed to this kind of self-defeating nihilistic philosophy about the nature of life (even as a child) and I don't know how to get out of it. I'll be doing well and then I'll just decide "fuarrrk it, we're all gonna die anyway" and go on a 2 week drug binge or something. Why can't I harness that mentality and do something useful? Like "fuarrrk it, we're all gonna die anyway" and try to meet new people/at least leave the comfort zone of my apartment? Because it's just an excuse, I guess.
>>11036
I think, for me at least, it's normal to have those kind of 'fuarrrk it, we're all gonna die at some point anyway, why even try?' thoughts every once in a while. It's something you probably will never be able to get rid of, lingering in the back of your head. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't try! Try finding a place to chat with people in your community or a forum on a topic you like (Like gaming? Almost every mid-sized game has their own forums now, and reddit has subreddits for those that don't.)
We're naturally lazy creatures. No one would go to work if they got payed a large sum of money every day just for existing. Plus, we've all had those thoughts when we got out of bed that are "what's the point?". Perhaps you should find a hobby or something to better entertain you to distract you from the fact that eventually we'll all parish in a universal heat death and all of our actions may have meant nothing.
That last one may have gotten a bit sidetracked. But try and find a hobby and motivate yourself to meet people with similar interests. Stay strong, lainon!
I think, for me at least, it's normal to have those kind of 'fuarrrk it, we're all gonna die at some point anyway, why even try?' thoughts every once in a while. It's something you probably will never be able to get rid of, lingering in the back of your head. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't try! Try finding a place to chat with people in your community or a forum on a topic you like (Like gaming? Almost every mid-sized game has their own forums now, and reddit has subreddits for those that don't.)
We're naturally lazy creatures. No one would go to work if they got payed a large sum of money every day just for existing. Plus, we've all had those thoughts when we got out of bed that are "what's the point?". Perhaps you should find a hobby or something to better entertain you to distract you from the fact that eventually we'll all parish in a universal heat death and all of our actions may have meant nothing.
That last one may have gotten a bit sidetracked. But try and find a hobby and motivate yourself to meet people with similar interests. Stay strong, lainon!
File: 1490064746033.png (70.32 KB, 200x152, what do you want to be.jpg)
I have no fuarrrking idea what to do with my life. I'm 25 and I live with my parents. I'm a kissless virgin with no friends. I have never had any real dreams or ambition to do anything more than the bare minimum.
I have extreme difficulty getting close to other people because I have zero self esteem and I just automatically assume that everyone thinks I'm a creep. They probably do too, since I have the social experience of a 10 year old and I never want to say anything about myself because I fear rejection.
The only saving grace is that my parents love me and they helped me get a job, so at least I make some cash. It's a dead end position though, and I'll be stuck doing menial work like for the rest of my life unless I manage to get my soykaf together.
When I was in high school I thought I might be able to figure out what I wanted to do with my life after I graduated, but so far nothing has come to me. I briefly went to a community college and flunked because of the aforementioned lack of work ethic + I just felt like there was no point to anything I was doing.
From about 16-21 I was very depressed and felt like killing myself just about every day. For some reason my suicidal thoughts eventually went away and I started to feel better, but they're coming back with a vengeance. I feel like I'm just looking for ways to distract myself from the reality of my situation so I don't blow my brains out.
I just wish I could be fuarrrking normal. Whenever I get near people I just want to retreat somewhere and be alone, but when I'm alone I wish that I had some connections with people outside of my immediate family.
I have extreme difficulty getting close to other people because I have zero self esteem and I just automatically assume that everyone thinks I'm a creep. They probably do too, since I have the social experience of a 10 year old and I never want to say anything about myself because I fear rejection.
The only saving grace is that my parents love me and they helped me get a job, so at least I make some cash. It's a dead end position though, and I'll be stuck doing menial work like for the rest of my life unless I manage to get my soykaf together.
When I was in high school I thought I might be able to figure out what I wanted to do with my life after I graduated, but so far nothing has come to me. I briefly went to a community college and flunked because of the aforementioned lack of work ethic + I just felt like there was no point to anything I was doing.
From about 16-21 I was very depressed and felt like killing myself just about every day. For some reason my suicidal thoughts eventually went away and I started to feel better, but they're coming back with a vengeance. I feel like I'm just looking for ways to distract myself from the reality of my situation so I don't blow my brains out.
I just wish I could be fuarrrking normal. Whenever I get near people I just want to retreat somewhere and be alone, but when I'm alone I wish that I had some connections with people outside of my immediate family.
>>11042
Don't give up, friend! You still have a lot of time left in your life, and it's not that unusual for people to not know exactly what they want to do in life. I cannot remember the name of the person in question at the moment, but he was a member of the band Queen. When his father discovered he liked music (He was in college at the time), they built a guitar together. But before he graduated (He was going for a Ph. D in something, I cannot remember the topic.), he decided that he actually wanted to make music, so he dropped out to join Queen. 36 years later, he finished a big paper he was assigned back in college (I think it was 36 years later, 30-something years later) and even made a joke song about it I think. Don't feel bad because you're late to figure out what you want to do!
As for the suicidal thoughts, if they are coming back, you may want to visit a therapist. That didn't really work for me, but others have had great success with therapy! Other than that, try to find people interested in similar topics. Like I mentioned above, try looking for forums for whatever you are interested in. It's a great way to meet people and learn at the same time!
Don't give up! We're always here if you need us! Stay strong, lainon!
Don't give up, friend! You still have a lot of time left in your life, and it's not that unusual for people to not know exactly what they want to do in life. I cannot remember the name of the person in question at the moment, but he was a member of the band Queen. When his father discovered he liked music (He was in college at the time), they built a guitar together. But before he graduated (He was going for a Ph. D in something, I cannot remember the topic.), he decided that he actually wanted to make music, so he dropped out to join Queen. 36 years later, he finished a big paper he was assigned back in college (I think it was 36 years later, 30-something years later) and even made a joke song about it I think. Don't feel bad because you're late to figure out what you want to do!
As for the suicidal thoughts, if they are coming back, you may want to visit a therapist. That didn't really work for me, but others have had great success with therapy! Other than that, try to find people interested in similar topics. Like I mentioned above, try looking for forums for whatever you are interested in. It's a great way to meet people and learn at the same time!
Don't give up! We're always here if you need us! Stay strong, lainon!
the only solution ive managed to come up with to my best friend/ex leaving me is just that our relationships arent everything. I did not come to the conclusion that she wasnt all i made her out to be, or that she wont be the only person who ever understood me. She is still like god in my eyes. Any of her flaws I would like to criticize only make her more interesting to me. The end though, ive explored this train of thought long enough. Its time to begin living for other things.
I'm scared I'll never fully realize the potential of my youth. With the way I carry on now, it seems like I'm not going anywhere. Every time I drive by a retirement home, I feel a kind of panic. I'm waiting for all those passionate and beautiful moments of adolescence to happen to me, but they're not appearing, and I know I have to make the first move.
>>11050
You may have too, but that's the fun: finding what you want to do. I won't lie and say that you will be young forever, but if you can motivate yourself to finding those beautiful moments of adolescence, you'll remember them forever. Unless you get Alzheimers. But don't worry about that now. You can do it, lainon! Don't be discouraged by fear, be motivated by it.
>>11046
>Its time to begin living for other things.
That's the spirit! Don't let yourself get held back by something that was out of your control. There are more fish in the sea, and you may even find someone you'll grow to treasure more than your ex. :)
Stay strong, lainons!
You may have too, but that's the fun: finding what you want to do. I won't lie and say that you will be young forever, but if you can motivate yourself to finding those beautiful moments of adolescence, you'll remember them forever. Unless you get Alzheimers. But don't worry about that now. You can do it, lainon! Don't be discouraged by fear, be motivated by it.
>>11046
>Its time to begin living for other things.
That's the spirit! Don't let yourself get held back by something that was out of your control. There are more fish in the sea, and you may even find someone you'll grow to treasure more than your ex. :)
Stay strong, lainons!
>>1044
I have considered therapy but I don't know if it would help. I'm also scared of getting diagnosed with something serious and being forced into treatment or otherwise screwed over.
>>11049
I don't really have any real hobbies. I am not mechanically inclined either. I looked into electrical engineering at one point, but the entry level course material was way over my head.
I have considered therapy but I don't know if it would help. I'm also scared of getting diagnosed with something serious and being forced into treatment or otherwise screwed over.
>>11049
I don't really have any real hobbies. I am not mechanically inclined either. I looked into electrical engineering at one point, but the entry level course material was way over my head.
>>11057
Have you considered that not knowing if you have something may be more stressful? I don't mean to frighten you, but it would be better to check and know what it is and if it has a cure than not know and it could be anything or nothing. That's my opinion though, you may be able to handle it differently. If you have a chance to fix your some of your self-esteem issues and depression, wouldn't you take it? It could be life-changing!
Whatever your choice, it is yours to make and I respect it, and I hope that you find whatever makes you happy in life, be it a job or a hobby. :)
>>11060
You can find more friends! Like I've mentioned earlier in the thread, try to find communities interested in what you are, or local groups that talk about whatever you are interested in!
There's a whole internet to make friends on, don't give up!
Stay strong, lainons!
Have you considered that not knowing if you have something may be more stressful? I don't mean to frighten you, but it would be better to check and know what it is and if it has a cure than not know and it could be anything or nothing. That's my opinion though, you may be able to handle it differently. If you have a chance to fix your some of your self-esteem issues and depression, wouldn't you take it? It could be life-changing!
Whatever your choice, it is yours to make and I respect it, and I hope that you find whatever makes you happy in life, be it a job or a hobby. :)
>>11060
You can find more friends! Like I've mentioned earlier in the thread, try to find communities interested in what you are, or local groups that talk about whatever you are interested in!
There's a whole internet to make friends on, don't give up!
Stay strong, lainons!
>>11042
>>11057
>I'm also scared of getting diagnosed with something serious and being forced into treatment or otherwise screwed over.
I think I sort of get that feeling. When my parents took notice and asked if I would go see a doctor, I originally fought back against the idea. I did so for a number of reasons, among which were: a rejection of the mass prescription of antidepressants, a refusal to accept my condition was serious enough to warrant medical intervention, a belief that I could deal with the problem on my own, and a fear of being committed to activities that I thought might be more harmful than helpful.
In the end, of course, I went and saw the doctor. I've done some therapy and I've been taking the drugs at maximum strength for a couple years now. I've gotten a bit better. Did the treatments play any role in that? God knows. One thing I learned for sure is that SSRIs aren't magic.
Another is this: ultimately, treatment exists to help you. And if you ever feel you need to stop, you can. If you decide something's not working, all you have to do is tell someone.
I also learned that mood disorders can be symptoms as well as causes. One of the first things my doctor did was a blood check. As it turned out, I needed treatment for something else. If you're thinking of suicide on a daily basis it's probably not the sole explanation but it might be a contributing factor.
The point is, if you think you might need help—and that seems to be the case if you're saying you've considered therapy before—then go get it. You really have little to lose and much that you might gain.
Speaking more personally, there are a couple things I'd like to say.
>I just automatically assume that everyone thinks I'm a creep.
Weird? A bit off? Totally. Creepy? Not unless they're a judgemental ass.
Social skills, like most anything else, are learned. It can be a difficult process to get a hold of them when you're behind most people but it can be done. The key thing is that you have to practice. Read an instructional book if you must. They're a dime a dozen.
I wish I could speak so freely of higher education. I know far more people that have decided part-way through that it wasn't for them than those that have stuck with it. Statistics from my university's records imply it's a common story. One of my closest friends tried two different programs and quit both. Now they're going back for a third. I'm currently dragging through my own. I'll graduate a couple years after I should have with less experience and much worse grades than I was expecting. So there's nothing to feel bad about there.
Since this is the thread for it, I'll take a moment to do my own griping. Paying a group tens of thousands of dollars to lecture you dozens of times a year on responsibility, the "real world", and your non-existent partying habits is a pretty soykafty arrangement. Especially when all that money is actually owned by the bank in chained loans and you're consequently paying for your unmaintained, infested hovel by eating mostly rice and beans. If this isn't real life, I shudder to think what is. At least the school offers discount health insurance and meat and dairy go on sale when they're almost expired.
Where was I? Anyway, searching for one's self is a pretty much universal human experience and by accounts often lasts a lifetime. I wouldn't get too hung up on it. I know I'm repeating myself, but if you think you need to talk to someone, go do it. Things can get better. Would you believe that a couple years ago the anxiety from writing all this out (let alone submitting it) would have had me in a cold sweat and shaking uncontrollably? Heck, I've even vomited from such things before. Now it only happens in every situation aside from slowly-formulated, textual interactions!
Hey, if nothing else, there's always what >>11044 said. Other weirdos on the internet are always there to lend an ear.
>>11057
>I'm also scared of getting diagnosed with something serious and being forced into treatment or otherwise screwed over.
I think I sort of get that feeling. When my parents took notice and asked if I would go see a doctor, I originally fought back against the idea. I did so for a number of reasons, among which were: a rejection of the mass prescription of antidepressants, a refusal to accept my condition was serious enough to warrant medical intervention, a belief that I could deal with the problem on my own, and a fear of being committed to activities that I thought might be more harmful than helpful.
In the end, of course, I went and saw the doctor. I've done some therapy and I've been taking the drugs at maximum strength for a couple years now. I've gotten a bit better. Did the treatments play any role in that? God knows. One thing I learned for sure is that SSRIs aren't magic.
Another is this: ultimately, treatment exists to help you. And if you ever feel you need to stop, you can. If you decide something's not working, all you have to do is tell someone.
I also learned that mood disorders can be symptoms as well as causes. One of the first things my doctor did was a blood check. As it turned out, I needed treatment for something else. If you're thinking of suicide on a daily basis it's probably not the sole explanation but it might be a contributing factor.
The point is, if you think you might need help—and that seems to be the case if you're saying you've considered therapy before—then go get it. You really have little to lose and much that you might gain.
Speaking more personally, there are a couple things I'd like to say.
>I just automatically assume that everyone thinks I'm a creep.
Weird? A bit off? Totally. Creepy? Not unless they're a judgemental ass.
Social skills, like most anything else, are learned. It can be a difficult process to get a hold of them when you're behind most people but it can be done. The key thing is that you have to practice. Read an instructional book if you must. They're a dime a dozen.
I wish I could speak so freely of higher education. I know far more people that have decided part-way through that it wasn't for them than those that have stuck with it. Statistics from my university's records imply it's a common story. One of my closest friends tried two different programs and quit both. Now they're going back for a third. I'm currently dragging through my own. I'll graduate a couple years after I should have with less experience and much worse grades than I was expecting. So there's nothing to feel bad about there.
Since this is the thread for it, I'll take a moment to do my own griping. Paying a group tens of thousands of dollars to lecture you dozens of times a year on responsibility, the "real world", and your non-existent partying habits is a pretty soykafty arrangement. Especially when all that money is actually owned by the bank in chained loans and you're consequently paying for your unmaintained, infested hovel by eating mostly rice and beans. If this isn't real life, I shudder to think what is. At least the school offers discount health insurance and meat and dairy go on sale when they're almost expired.
Where was I? Anyway, searching for one's self is a pretty much universal human experience and by accounts often lasts a lifetime. I wouldn't get too hung up on it. I know I'm repeating myself, but if you think you need to talk to someone, go do it. Things can get better. Would you believe that a couple years ago the anxiety from writing all this out (let alone submitting it) would have had me in a cold sweat and shaking uncontrollably? Heck, I've even vomited from such things before. Now it only happens in every situation aside from slowly-formulated, textual interactions!
Hey, if nothing else, there's always what >>11044 said. Other weirdos on the internet are always there to lend an ear.
Its probably been 5 months now. Still love you, still miss you. Wish we could talk again. I just dont know what to say without your help.
I just want to talk a bit about art and what not.
I think a true writer, someone who isnt doing it for show but its truly their art isnt embarassed by what they write down. I think writers tend to be bolder, more vivid, writers often are characters themselves. Maybe a little bit dangerous even.
So its telling that I would rather draw. The messages are hidden by abstractions, a defense mechanism a different but cowardly person learns so as to not draw criticism, as it affects them deeply. Their method of coping growing up is to hide their intentions, the result can always be explained rationally even when the true intentions were not rational. I love the danger, but I prefer to be along for the ride rather than the cause. I admire the writer types a lot, they inspire me. Yet I also want to inspire others and I wonder if I ever have inspired one of their kind? Do outgoing dangerous people ever look up to the reserved, what is my place in that? I am slow and patient, often times kind even but these arent qualities I value. I love the impatient rash people, the people who blast their music on a subway, the people who post almost nude pictures of themselves, act provocatively. In this society do I have a place? Or do I need to change.
And my art will surely lose meaning. Of course it doesnt get me anywhere, no one but my eyes and ocasionally the interested person gets to see it. I guess the thing is I think it could. I see a lot of potential value in my work, and I think this because in spite of my lacking skill in some fundamentals the ideas are bold enough people I tend to show are just shocked. The gut reaction is plenty that they overlook the clear errors and assume me to be more skilled in art than I am even. But my sister is very skilled at art, and I see her work to be very meaningful in a similar vein as mine even yet at the moment it receives no attention really. Shes wildly creative, i didnt grow up with her but I understand the thought processes behind what she makes its remarkably similar to how I think as well. Now her work not receiving attention goes to a number of things; perhaps she doesnt have confidence in it, isnt getting it out there, but what if its her mind? That people just dont see the beauty she sees, and by loose association the one I see too?
Am I on the right path basically? Would I have been just as good as a writer had my interest in it been piqued? To an outside observer im on the write path because I am in college and am okay on cash. But what about my internal plans, struggles, are these producing good results? I clearly demand stability as i am here studying a working degree, but inside I know id rather say fuarrrk it all and take the classes im really interested in. Is this acid I took working for me or against me?
It truly is a fine line between genius and insanity, or even grand success or fame, or any kind of greatness v insanity. And its a line so thin one cant stand on it even hardly. A insane person is rarely a great one and vise versa, but they had the potential to be either. If I shoot for the stars and fail the camp I would fall in is clear. Perhaps one is better for not taking the shot at all and choosing to lead a normal life.
I think a true writer, someone who isnt doing it for show but its truly their art isnt embarassed by what they write down. I think writers tend to be bolder, more vivid, writers often are characters themselves. Maybe a little bit dangerous even.
So its telling that I would rather draw. The messages are hidden by abstractions, a defense mechanism a different but cowardly person learns so as to not draw criticism, as it affects them deeply. Their method of coping growing up is to hide their intentions, the result can always be explained rationally even when the true intentions were not rational. I love the danger, but I prefer to be along for the ride rather than the cause. I admire the writer types a lot, they inspire me. Yet I also want to inspire others and I wonder if I ever have inspired one of their kind? Do outgoing dangerous people ever look up to the reserved, what is my place in that? I am slow and patient, often times kind even but these arent qualities I value. I love the impatient rash people, the people who blast their music on a subway, the people who post almost nude pictures of themselves, act provocatively. In this society do I have a place? Or do I need to change.
And my art will surely lose meaning. Of course it doesnt get me anywhere, no one but my eyes and ocasionally the interested person gets to see it. I guess the thing is I think it could. I see a lot of potential value in my work, and I think this because in spite of my lacking skill in some fundamentals the ideas are bold enough people I tend to show are just shocked. The gut reaction is plenty that they overlook the clear errors and assume me to be more skilled in art than I am even. But my sister is very skilled at art, and I see her work to be very meaningful in a similar vein as mine even yet at the moment it receives no attention really. Shes wildly creative, i didnt grow up with her but I understand the thought processes behind what she makes its remarkably similar to how I think as well. Now her work not receiving attention goes to a number of things; perhaps she doesnt have confidence in it, isnt getting it out there, but what if its her mind? That people just dont see the beauty she sees, and by loose association the one I see too?
Am I on the right path basically? Would I have been just as good as a writer had my interest in it been piqued? To an outside observer im on the write path because I am in college and am okay on cash. But what about my internal plans, struggles, are these producing good results? I clearly demand stability as i am here studying a working degree, but inside I know id rather say fuarrrk it all and take the classes im really interested in. Is this acid I took working for me or against me?
It truly is a fine line between genius and insanity, or even grand success or fame, or any kind of greatness v insanity. And its a line so thin one cant stand on it even hardly. A insane person is rarely a great one and vise versa, but they had the potential to be either. If I shoot for the stars and fail the camp I would fall in is clear. Perhaps one is better for not taking the shot at all and choosing to lead a normal life.
>>11066
Oh also, I want to be judged for my art rather than myself or my character. If I ever behave rash or do something bad I want people to go "thats terrible and all but look his art remains consistent". I cant control myself always but I can control this pen and these pages. The real stable me is in those pages, its chaotic and grotesque but it is me. The me I struggle to communicate to others sometimes. I know if I was upfront about myself people would be a little worried about me or scared. Hi I think the idea of humans killing eachother, themselves, and instititions of humans as all as perverting the human image and other crimes against humanity to be fascinating, but I assure you I am a good human being who has common decency and etiquette if not a little bit rough around the edges forgive me I was raised by fuarrrking animals or aliens or something and im doing the best I can.
Oh also, I want to be judged for my art rather than myself or my character. If I ever behave rash or do something bad I want people to go "thats terrible and all but look his art remains consistent". I cant control myself always but I can control this pen and these pages. The real stable me is in those pages, its chaotic and grotesque but it is me. The me I struggle to communicate to others sometimes. I know if I was upfront about myself people would be a little worried about me or scared. Hi I think the idea of humans killing eachother, themselves, and instititions of humans as all as perverting the human image and other crimes against humanity to be fascinating, but I assure you I am a good human being who has common decency and etiquette if not a little bit rough around the edges forgive me I was raised by fuarrrking animals or aliens or something and im doing the best I can.
>>11067
I dont think you should worry about this too much.
Find something you want to express and get it in form, find a structure around which you can make a point and fuarrrk the rest.
Say whatever you want to say in any way you want, but just do it right and give it your best.
There will always be critics, but im sure if you know that you have done your best and did it right then the critics words will be meaningless.
Also imo you cant have genius without insanity, the question is how well its hidden.
I dont think you should worry about this too much.
Find something you want to express and get it in form, find a structure around which you can make a point and fuarrrk the rest.
Say whatever you want to say in any way you want, but just do it right and give it your best.
There will always be critics, but im sure if you know that you have done your best and did it right then the critics words will be meaningless.
Also imo you cant have genius without insanity, the question is how well its hidden.
Uni is soykaf and I just lost my iPod so I can't even listen to music.
fuarrrking kill me
fuarrrking kill me
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Lately I've been feeling that there's something wrong with me, or I'm different. Not different in an interests/personality way, because I've always been the one with eclectic taste and eccentric humor. I think there's some other kind of tick in my head which sets me apart. I suffer from extreme anxiety that only manifests itself in specific situations and have an innate desire to hurt people who are part of my "out" group.
Parties put me on edge like nothing else, and I often storm out after breaking something or telling someone off. The mall is also a place that gets me worked up. Women who are interested in me put me into a malicious mental state. Even if we were friends before, the moment they develop feelings for me I want to hurt them. I don't lack empathy, in fact I feel like I have too much. I'm really good at guessing what people are thinking/how they feel, and being able to figure people out so easily gets me angry. I always test this by "poking" them. Once I get into someone's head I find myself almost compulsively directing personalized insults towards them that sound harmless to everyone else. Especially with girls. This cruelty translates into my sex life. I'm a serious dom who's into fear-play.
I wouldn't be so confused by this if I didn't lead such a contradictory life. I'm perfectly fine in normal everyday interactions, and I'm actually very charismatic on the job. I'm the go to person for presentations. I feel like I can hold the floor very well. It exhilarates me. I also have no problem meeting new people or talking to women. I mentioned my "out" group earlier, and I say this because there are certain people I absolutely cherish and would do anything for. People like my niece or the receptionist. It's usually innocent characters. I like animals too. Got a frog.
I didn't start thinking about my mind as a problem until I overheard some rumors about me at work. Apparently I've become a very polarizing person.
Parties put me on edge like nothing else, and I often storm out after breaking something or telling someone off. The mall is also a place that gets me worked up. Women who are interested in me put me into a malicious mental state. Even if we were friends before, the moment they develop feelings for me I want to hurt them. I don't lack empathy, in fact I feel like I have too much. I'm really good at guessing what people are thinking/how they feel, and being able to figure people out so easily gets me angry. I always test this by "poking" them. Once I get into someone's head I find myself almost compulsively directing personalized insults towards them that sound harmless to everyone else. Especially with girls. This cruelty translates into my sex life. I'm a serious dom who's into fear-play.
I wouldn't be so confused by this if I didn't lead such a contradictory life. I'm perfectly fine in normal everyday interactions, and I'm actually very charismatic on the job. I'm the go to person for presentations. I feel like I can hold the floor very well. It exhilarates me. I also have no problem meeting new people or talking to women. I mentioned my "out" group earlier, and I say this because there are certain people I absolutely cherish and would do anything for. People like my niece or the receptionist. It's usually innocent characters. I like animals too. Got a frog.
I didn't start thinking about my mind as a problem until I overheard some rumors about me at work. Apparently I've become a very polarizing person.
>>10764
If you love your sister and your parents then there is absolutely something wrong. Your sister is living a life that neither you nor your parent approve of. You didn't confront the fact, either out of denial or shock, and your mother is sedating herself out of any disappointment. Same thing happened to me when I realized I hadn't seen my sister in 3 years and her life had gone nowhere. I never knew that she was the one scratching the back of my mind until I recognized her situation and fixed it.
Also keep in mind that stress is like debris in a stream. Once one thing gets caught, and you can't let go of it, other things will pile on until you're dealing with a dam.
If you love your sister and your parents then there is absolutely something wrong. Your sister is living a life that neither you nor your parent approve of. You didn't confront the fact, either out of denial or shock, and your mother is sedating herself out of any disappointment. Same thing happened to me when I realized I hadn't seen my sister in 3 years and her life had gone nowhere. I never knew that she was the one scratching the back of my mind until I recognized her situation and fixed it.
Also keep in mind that stress is like debris in a stream. Once one thing gets caught, and you can't let go of it, other things will pile on until you're dealing with a dam.
>>11070
Im curious why you do this too as I think I know someone like you who hurt me a lot but I also admire her greatly. And I still never knew why.
Im making this possibly false analogy between you and her and so these are just random guesses and questions I dont think im on to something. Did you ever feel very betrayed in the past by a lover or parental figure? Were you chastised for crying? Do you have someone important in your life you know will always be there? Are you well liked and attract people to the point where they are almost disposable to you? Lastly does reputation matter to you or do you really only care what you think, or do you only care what you and a few people think.
any other information on your upbringing or how your brain works would be of great interest to me. plus maybe youl realize something about yourself too.
Im curious why you do this too as I think I know someone like you who hurt me a lot but I also admire her greatly. And I still never knew why.
Im making this possibly false analogy between you and her and so these are just random guesses and questions I dont think im on to something. Did you ever feel very betrayed in the past by a lover or parental figure? Were you chastised for crying? Do you have someone important in your life you know will always be there? Are you well liked and attract people to the point where they are almost disposable to you? Lastly does reputation matter to you or do you really only care what you think, or do you only care what you and a few people think.
any other information on your upbringing or how your brain works would be of great interest to me. plus maybe youl realize something about yourself too.
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>>11070
I have the same feeling but a different problem. It's like some part of my brain that seeks social status is just broken. I don't see much point in it.
If I'm seen as having high-status I enjoy it, if I'm seen as low-status it puts me in a bit of a downer mood. But in terms of inconsequential bullsoykaf to raise my good boy points at work I just don't care. I'm there to do a fuarrrking job, not be part of some sort of social club. It was like this in school, it's like this in the rest of my life. It seems to get me treated like some sort of pet. Liked for my utility but not regarded as an actual person because I'm not emoting on command like a clown to make them feel good. But I can be kept around because I make their lives easier.
I think I just don't have this need to show off and make sure I'm part of their group. All my life I've been the outsider, much of it having no friends at all. And I just kinda got used to it. So I don't have this same need to prove I'm part of the tribe and it comes off as odd, making people fear me, leading them to decide I should be exiled. And I'm not quiet out of a "better than you" vibe, I just don't care about most things people talk about. So why should I chime in on it? I mean, do they want me to soykaf all over it instead?
I have the same feeling but a different problem. It's like some part of my brain that seeks social status is just broken. I don't see much point in it.
If I'm seen as having high-status I enjoy it, if I'm seen as low-status it puts me in a bit of a downer mood. But in terms of inconsequential bullsoykaf to raise my good boy points at work I just don't care. I'm there to do a fuarrrking job, not be part of some sort of social club. It was like this in school, it's like this in the rest of my life. It seems to get me treated like some sort of pet. Liked for my utility but not regarded as an actual person because I'm not emoting on command like a clown to make them feel good. But I can be kept around because I make their lives easier.
I think I just don't have this need to show off and make sure I'm part of their group. All my life I've been the outsider, much of it having no friends at all. And I just kinda got used to it. So I don't have this same need to prove I'm part of the tribe and it comes off as odd, making people fear me, leading them to decide I should be exiled. And I'm not quiet out of a "better than you" vibe, I just don't care about most things people talk about. So why should I chime in on it? I mean, do they want me to soykaf all over it instead?
>>11071
If I was his sister the last thing I would feel is loved if somebody exposed my career as a stripper to my parents. Shes probably making a soykafload of money. It really isnt a big deal or a "big shock" at least it shouldnt be. If I was the parents I would be pissed of course. But "sedating herself out of dissapointment" jesus if thats the case his mom clearly has baggage she needs worked out, the sister is fine.
Its one of those things you arent ever happy to admit but you learn to deal with it (the family members that is). Its not a fuarrrking death in the family, not even close. I know people who would think its hilarious, itd be a shameful but funny story to tell almost as its never a permanent job.
If I was his sister the last thing I would feel is loved if somebody exposed my career as a stripper to my parents. Shes probably making a soykafload of money. It really isnt a big deal or a "big shock" at least it shouldnt be. If I was the parents I would be pissed of course. But "sedating herself out of dissapointment" jesus if thats the case his mom clearly has baggage she needs worked out, the sister is fine.
Its one of those things you arent ever happy to admit but you learn to deal with it (the family members that is). Its not a fuarrrking death in the family, not even close. I know people who would think its hilarious, itd be a shameful but funny story to tell almost as its never a permanent job.
I thought of something half funny half sad. When I went to college I stopped playing video games or watching anime. There was funner things to be doing, people to meet, etc. Every time I failed though I got so depressed. And most depressed when I banked all my friendship and love on one person and lost her. Thus begins the existential identity crises; did I do something wrong? Whats wrong with me? Am I not man enough? Am I too much of a loser? Should I work harder?
My brain is in over drive, see what used to occupy this sad brainspace was thoughts of what games I was gonna play, things to watch etc. Do I need video games to keep from going insane? Were video games my rock? The thing I could always return to? What kept me from needing other people and just wanting them instead?
The issue is I have to balance. Id rather suffer than go back to how I was before, after all my time not spent playing video games has filled up with some more productive things. Strange thoughts im having while taking this soykaf.
My brain is in over drive, see what used to occupy this sad brainspace was thoughts of what games I was gonna play, things to watch etc. Do I need video games to keep from going insane? Were video games my rock? The thing I could always return to? What kept me from needing other people and just wanting them instead?
The issue is I have to balance. Id rather suffer than go back to how I was before, after all my time not spent playing video games has filled up with some more productive things. Strange thoughts im having while taking this soykaf.
>>11057
I really should go see a psychiatrist, but i cant get myself to do it, i cant get myself to do anything.
Im so severely depressed that i dont have initiative or energy to do anything at all.
It doesnt help that my parents wouldnt approve of that, i know i cant let things like these hold me off, but they do.
Im so confused by everything.
I really should go see a psychiatrist, but i cant get myself to do it, i cant get myself to do anything.
Im so severely depressed that i dont have initiative or energy to do anything at all.
It doesnt help that my parents wouldnt approve of that, i know i cant let things like these hold me off, but they do.
Im so confused by everything.
>>11073
My mother was very intense. Yes she would make fun of me for crying. I love my grandmother more than anyone else on earth. I've moved around a lot so meeting new people is not hard. Reinvented myself a couple of times. I care what I and a few people think. It pains me to think of letting those people down.
>>11074
Here's what I've learned about being the quiet guy. If you don't speak for yourself, other people will speak for you. So even if you think you're not quiet in the "better than you" fashion, it doesn't matter because nobody knows that except yourself.
You're still affected by how other people see you, even though you would like to believe you're not. I've met people who were truly "outsiders". They're usually people who have experienced ego death or beast-like individuals with no semblance of emotion. You don't come across as either. You're just the kind of person who desires more meaningful connections which cannot be provided by weather people. That's why you don't feel the need for status. You don't want status among them, but crave it elsewhere. Just find your clique.
My mother was very intense. Yes she would make fun of me for crying. I love my grandmother more than anyone else on earth. I've moved around a lot so meeting new people is not hard. Reinvented myself a couple of times. I care what I and a few people think. It pains me to think of letting those people down.
>>11074
Here's what I've learned about being the quiet guy. If you don't speak for yourself, other people will speak for you. So even if you think you're not quiet in the "better than you" fashion, it doesn't matter because nobody knows that except yourself.
You're still affected by how other people see you, even though you would like to believe you're not. I've met people who were truly "outsiders". They're usually people who have experienced ego death or beast-like individuals with no semblance of emotion. You don't come across as either. You're just the kind of person who desires more meaningful connections which cannot be provided by weather people. That's why you don't feel the need for status. You don't want status among them, but crave it elsewhere. Just find your clique.
The feeling of mediocrity has been killing me for nearly a decade now. I remember being told by everyone that I'd have a good future, that I'm a genious. Yet with time came one simple realisation: I'm no different from a normal human being, and, perhaps, even worse than the "normal" human being. Although I've understood this simple truth, I can't accept it.
And I'm still searching, for at least one thing I'm good at, and better than anyone else. Yet the search continues, and will be doing so for years to come.
I know how dumb and pretentious I sound, but I can't just change my mindset that was inculcated and ingrained so deeply in my mind. The more introspection I do, the more I'm convinced there's nothing to me - I'm but a hollow husk made of things I remotely like or find interesting. Inside there's nothing - no real personality, no real emotion or passion and devotion. A vast giant void, that can't remain hidden or embellished any longer.
And I'm still searching, for at least one thing I'm good at, and better than anyone else. Yet the search continues, and will be doing so for years to come.
I know how dumb and pretentious I sound, but I can't just change my mindset that was inculcated and ingrained so deeply in my mind. The more introspection I do, the more I'm convinced there's nothing to me - I'm but a hollow husk made of things I remotely like or find interesting. Inside there's nothing - no real personality, no real emotion or passion and devotion. A vast giant void, that can't remain hidden or embellished any longer.
I think i just realized im absolutely fuarrrking wired different than a good percentage of the population. Like I always kind of put my inability to connect with a majority of people on my looks or my innate either through genetics or upbringing social inadequacy.
I just don't think thats it though as ive actually gotten the oppurtunity to interact with people and make friends and what not through college. I can't "be" normal I just won't ever be and I shouldn't try to be maybe. Still though im becoming an adult, so I have to be kind of normal. does society even have place for someone like me? am I accounted for?
its funny society becomes a very real thing as you face entering adulthood and being responsible for your own actions. Like jesus at the moment I guess im not really even managing my own money. And my adolescence I never really thought i'd live this far honestly. I've always been sort of convinced death was just around the corner for some reason, as it got later in life of my own doing i thought probably. It was a struggle enough to not kill myself but now I've gotta deal with all this other crap too.
I don't know, anyone on here out of college or into adulthood that wants to lend me some advice? I don't see any reason to ignore the collective advice and counsel of anonymous strangers anymore. we all must be victims of the same circumstances to end up on these fuarrrking boards. especially this one, united together for good or ill over a japanese cartoon and all the topics that fall under its umbrella. As someone who in a sense grew up with the internet I don't see what would drive me to such a place if not to meet common people.
im also coming off acid so i dont know how coherent im being, but still life advice would be appreciated. how are members of this fuarrrked generation a good 5 years ahead of me coping with life?
I just don't think thats it though as ive actually gotten the oppurtunity to interact with people and make friends and what not through college. I can't "be" normal I just won't ever be and I shouldn't try to be maybe. Still though im becoming an adult, so I have to be kind of normal. does society even have place for someone like me? am I accounted for?
its funny society becomes a very real thing as you face entering adulthood and being responsible for your own actions. Like jesus at the moment I guess im not really even managing my own money. And my adolescence I never really thought i'd live this far honestly. I've always been sort of convinced death was just around the corner for some reason, as it got later in life of my own doing i thought probably. It was a struggle enough to not kill myself but now I've gotta deal with all this other crap too.
I don't know, anyone on here out of college or into adulthood that wants to lend me some advice? I don't see any reason to ignore the collective advice and counsel of anonymous strangers anymore. we all must be victims of the same circumstances to end up on these fuarrrking boards. especially this one, united together for good or ill over a japanese cartoon and all the topics that fall under its umbrella. As someone who in a sense grew up with the internet I don't see what would drive me to such a place if not to meet common people.
im also coming off acid so i dont know how coherent im being, but still life advice would be appreciated. how are members of this fuarrrked generation a good 5 years ahead of me coping with life?
I posted this on another site, but I'm feeling kind of trapped now, and I'm curious what you all might say. Yesterday, the impossible happened. I met up with a girl from my class, and we hit it off perfectly. It wasn't a "romantic" success, but we talked actively our interests, and at times burst out laughing. It was the first time in my life that I looked directly into a girl's eyes and she at mine, and it wasn't at all weird. I've always been the overweight, lonely guy, and to think that such an insanely beautiful person would be happy in my company is a thought my mind still can't process.
Yet, I don't feel good. My apathy is so bad now that I felt almost no pleasure from it all. Even if I try my hardest to dwell on all the times I made her laugh, nothing happens. True joy has slowly been replaced with a faint aura of joy, like you're getting lost in a memory from your childhood. I'm so apathetic, I can't even be sad or distressed about it. When I realize I'm getting older and these beautiful moments will get increasingly rare and I have to take action, I feel slightly bad too. Never actually bad, though.
I'm running out of patience. Everything went right, and I still felt nothing. Jesus christ, apathy is awful.
Yet, I don't feel good. My apathy is so bad now that I felt almost no pleasure from it all. Even if I try my hardest to dwell on all the times I made her laugh, nothing happens. True joy has slowly been replaced with a faint aura of joy, like you're getting lost in a memory from your childhood. I'm so apathetic, I can't even be sad or distressed about it. When I realize I'm getting older and these beautiful moments will get increasingly rare and I have to take action, I feel slightly bad too. Never actually bad, though.
I'm running out of patience. Everything went right, and I still felt nothing. Jesus christ, apathy is awful.
Everything is going so well recently, and I feel happy, but I feel like it's all a delusion and everything is really heading downhill but I don't see it.
>>11096
>I'm still searching, for at least one thing I'm good at
You're going about this the wrong way. If you keep flipping between the surface level aspects of different things then you'll never feel satisfaction from any of them. Pick one main thing that you enjoy and would like to master, regardless of your current skill level at it.
>I'm still searching, for at least one thing I'm good at
You're going about this the wrong way. If you keep flipping between the surface level aspects of different things then you'll never feel satisfaction from any of them. Pick one main thing that you enjoy and would like to master, regardless of your current skill level at it.
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Ive been dealing with death the loss of friends and psychotic episodes, i will go a bit without them but they come back i see blood i just drink and drink and smoke and drink until i pass out. It hurts so much to be this alone i feel detached. My sleep is filled with nightmares i try to not sleep at all but i pass out and relive everything.
I will go dry for a while when im not having episodes but theyre happening more and more. I just want peace in my mind. Just an end to this choas. Im pushing my body past its limits, i do full time college and work my job. I will keep up with work and classes for a week, then it starts heppening, visions, flashbacks, i start missing classes not doing my work. I somehow passed this time but for how long can i keep this up?
Ill to on drinking and smoking binges with heavy caffine intake it makes me feel flat like emotionless and i like it. Ill drink 1000mg at a time to get my emotions regulated. Ill drink till im out cold, and smoke to try and reduce my emotional turmoil from the worse episodes.
This isnt normal is it guys?
I will go dry for a while when im not having episodes but theyre happening more and more. I just want peace in my mind. Just an end to this choas. Im pushing my body past its limits, i do full time college and work my job. I will keep up with work and classes for a week, then it starts heppening, visions, flashbacks, i start missing classes not doing my work. I somehow passed this time but for how long can i keep this up?
Ill to on drinking and smoking binges with heavy caffine intake it makes me feel flat like emotionless and i like it. Ill drink 1000mg at a time to get my emotions regulated. Ill drink till im out cold, and smoke to try and reduce my emotional turmoil from the worse episodes.
This isnt normal is it guys?
>>11139
Not normal not abnormal either, you could do worse I suppose. I dont know the psychotic episodes, though I suppose ive had manic episodes. I know the loneliness though and the loss. Its painful when the few friends you have less just remind you of how much deeper the connection you had with the one you lost was. No one can remove the deep feeling of loneliness and loss, people are irreplaceable.
My appropriate advice is to see a therapist or psychiatrist. However say you are unable to do that heres my secondary advice.
Your going to have to stop the drinking and smoking weed especially. That seems obvious but it clouds the mind. You wont be able to move on. Id quit the weed for at least a month cold turkey, I would do that first. you can keep smoking cigarettes. Ween yourself off the alcohol, though if its impossible for you to not bust into it when its around you may want to stop that immediately. Get your caffeine normalized I wouldnt quit that at the moment. Unfortunately your in a multi layered mess. Its impossible to tell which bad feelings are real which are drug induced. Also consider that your extreme upset at losing friends possibly also stems from something deeper. Losing friends, being in college, working. Very challenging, now is the time for some very painful self growth. However you are stunting yourself.
This isnt something I like to suggest; but a particularly bad acid trip may allow for enough self reflection and fear to spark your life back into action. This is if you feel you have nothing to lose or risk losing everything. In your state it could also prove very damaging. But there has been some success in using acid to treat a variety of addictions at the very least. Sit alone in your room and explore your thoughts, even the ones that deeply frighten you. the LSD will bring these deep rooted fears to the surface. It will almost certainly be a traumatic event, however trauma sparks change.
Not normal not abnormal either, you could do worse I suppose. I dont know the psychotic episodes, though I suppose ive had manic episodes. I know the loneliness though and the loss. Its painful when the few friends you have less just remind you of how much deeper the connection you had with the one you lost was. No one can remove the deep feeling of loneliness and loss, people are irreplaceable.
My appropriate advice is to see a therapist or psychiatrist. However say you are unable to do that heres my secondary advice.
Your going to have to stop the drinking and smoking weed especially. That seems obvious but it clouds the mind. You wont be able to move on. Id quit the weed for at least a month cold turkey, I would do that first. you can keep smoking cigarettes. Ween yourself off the alcohol, though if its impossible for you to not bust into it when its around you may want to stop that immediately. Get your caffeine normalized I wouldnt quit that at the moment. Unfortunately your in a multi layered mess. Its impossible to tell which bad feelings are real which are drug induced. Also consider that your extreme upset at losing friends possibly also stems from something deeper. Losing friends, being in college, working. Very challenging, now is the time for some very painful self growth. However you are stunting yourself.
This isnt something I like to suggest; but a particularly bad acid trip may allow for enough self reflection and fear to spark your life back into action. This is if you feel you have nothing to lose or risk losing everything. In your state it could also prove very damaging. But there has been some success in using acid to treat a variety of addictions at the very least. Sit alone in your room and explore your thoughts, even the ones that deeply frighten you. the LSD will bring these deep rooted fears to the surface. It will almost certainly be a traumatic event, however trauma sparks change.
>>11149
oh also whenever you feel able and can make time I suggest excersize. Perhaps your college has a free gym for students? I guarantee no one is there to make fun of you, they were there once too.
Its not so much about looking better but it will give you a sense of control back over your life. You may find the accompanying exhaustion a drug of its own, you feel completely dead and at bliss after a hard workout, much too tired to care. Perhaps this sounds appealing to someone like you?
oh also whenever you feel able and can make time I suggest excersize. Perhaps your college has a free gym for students? I guarantee no one is there to make fun of you, they were there once too.
Its not so much about looking better but it will give you a sense of control back over your life. You may find the accompanying exhaustion a drug of its own, you feel completely dead and at bliss after a hard workout, much too tired to care. Perhaps this sounds appealing to someone like you?
>want to start a business around tech
>but regular people don't care enough about tech to not go to big retail stores over small specialty local stores
>want to sell a product but also anti-consumerism and the idea of making more plastic makes me sad
as for the regular feels, i've got a whole severe depression cutting myself and bad person without meds but not me on meds thing going on. not gonna rant about that because i'm trying to solve this soykaf with progress. progress like business.
>but regular people don't care enough about tech to not go to big retail stores over small specialty local stores
>want to sell a product but also anti-consumerism and the idea of making more plastic makes me sad
as for the regular feels, i've got a whole severe depression cutting myself and bad person without meds but not me on meds thing going on. not gonna rant about that because i'm trying to solve this soykaf with progress. progress like business.
>>11156
I think what you're trying to do is a good thing and if you're doing a good thing more people will care than you think. We'll all be here to support you.
Some suggestions:
> use recycled material
> upgrade old technology or use old shells
> talk to everyone on lainchan about how development work is going.
I think what you're trying to do is a good thing and if you're doing a good thing more people will care than you think. We'll all be here to support you.
Some suggestions:
> use recycled material
> upgrade old technology or use old shells
> talk to everyone on lainchan about how development work is going.
Every time I finish an anime, movie or book that managed to grab me emotionally, I go through 3 phases:
1) fuarrrk, I didn't get the message, because I failed to model what the artist or the characters felt and thought, bit the end credits have rolled and I even had the post-credits scene so there's no more pieces of information.
2) fuarrrk, I'm right here in my room, sitting in front of a computer, and there's nobody and nothing around from all the great things I've just seen; at least not in a sensible manner, only if I explain them over reality. I need to store these ideas somewhere until I do get the moral of the story.
3) What the fuarrrk do I do now? Every character seems to have settled for life, but here I am and I can't go back to normal day-to-day activities with all this sentimental baggage. It takes at least the rest of the day and a sleep, and even then I mostly just lose most of the thing.
I always assume that there's a message that someone wants to pass. It was not a soykaf show. They didn't do it just for profit and to sell merch. It's not just entertainment. It's not just tossed together. It isn't just there to make me think about things without including the author's answer. There is a message, I just didn't pick it up yet. Even though I know that it's just made by humans, with limited capacity, time, budget, it may not be their most important thing either; but I still treat them as a whole from which everything else can be figured out. Interviews with directors or writers always disappoint me because it seems like I take their thing more seriously, and probably have gave it more meaning already than they ever though was there; but I interpret this as even the director being unable to help me figure it out, not that I should stop trying to.
I guess I should be experiencing many things, and then spending a fraction of that time trying to understand it; but instead I spend most of my time understanding things and only rarely do I experience the actual things; also relying on second-hand accounts of things, sort of trying to create the world from inside a library. It sometimes feel suffocating, as if I was a plant-animal living in a lake - while young, the lake is vast and I can swim freely - but soon I grow so big that the entire lake is me, and the water contains barely any oxygen anymore. I'll likely drown, or just get out and have a late start at what everyone else does. But should I also feel like cracking the message would make even the most mundane lives bliss - I could probably smile through a lifetime of being an anchorite. Who knows.
1) fuarrrk, I didn't get the message, because I failed to model what the artist or the characters felt and thought, bit the end credits have rolled and I even had the post-credits scene so there's no more pieces of information.
2) fuarrrk, I'm right here in my room, sitting in front of a computer, and there's nobody and nothing around from all the great things I've just seen; at least not in a sensible manner, only if I explain them over reality. I need to store these ideas somewhere until I do get the moral of the story.
3) What the fuarrrk do I do now? Every character seems to have settled for life, but here I am and I can't go back to normal day-to-day activities with all this sentimental baggage. It takes at least the rest of the day and a sleep, and even then I mostly just lose most of the thing.
I always assume that there's a message that someone wants to pass. It was not a soykaf show. They didn't do it just for profit and to sell merch. It's not just entertainment. It's not just tossed together. It isn't just there to make me think about things without including the author's answer. There is a message, I just didn't pick it up yet. Even though I know that it's just made by humans, with limited capacity, time, budget, it may not be their most important thing either; but I still treat them as a whole from which everything else can be figured out. Interviews with directors or writers always disappoint me because it seems like I take their thing more seriously, and probably have gave it more meaning already than they ever though was there; but I interpret this as even the director being unable to help me figure it out, not that I should stop trying to.
I guess I should be experiencing many things, and then spending a fraction of that time trying to understand it; but instead I spend most of my time understanding things and only rarely do I experience the actual things; also relying on second-hand accounts of things, sort of trying to create the world from inside a library. It sometimes feel suffocating, as if I was a plant-animal living in a lake - while young, the lake is vast and I can swim freely - but soon I grow so big that the entire lake is me, and the water contains barely any oxygen anymore. I'll likely drown, or just get out and have a late start at what everyone else does. But should I also feel like cracking the message would make even the most mundane lives bliss - I could probably smile through a lifetime of being an anchorite. Who knows.
>>11161
I don't even have any ideas yet, I'm the ideas guy of ideas guys. My idea is having an idea, lol. For things I'm interested in: I could make a niche device, but I don't have the resources of big companies so at best it'd be a crappy computer in a cheap plastic shell. I could run a computer repair store locally but it's a dying market because when peoples computers break they just buy a new one from Walmart and I'd have to compete with the other stores in town. I could run an electrical part store for wiring and things like that since there's no clear store for it where I live but I don't know the demand. I could refurbish and sell computers and laptops and do repair to keep a customer base, but like I said most people just buy a new one that's just as planned to die later.
I think I need to throw the business thing away for now and just mess around with electronics until I find what I'm good at.
I still can't get over the feels of how disposable technology is though. If you write a song, someone could be whistling it hundreds of years from now. Someone is at least going to appreciate it in the moment. If you write a program, it won't get used a year from now. If you lose power to your house, you can't use it. But people could still drum a beat, or appreciate an art piece. But nobody's gonna thinking about your code.
I don't even have any ideas yet, I'm the ideas guy of ideas guys. My idea is having an idea, lol. For things I'm interested in: I could make a niche device, but I don't have the resources of big companies so at best it'd be a crappy computer in a cheap plastic shell. I could run a computer repair store locally but it's a dying market because when peoples computers break they just buy a new one from Walmart and I'd have to compete with the other stores in town. I could run an electrical part store for wiring and things like that since there's no clear store for it where I live but I don't know the demand. I could refurbish and sell computers and laptops and do repair to keep a customer base, but like I said most people just buy a new one that's just as planned to die later.
I think I need to throw the business thing away for now and just mess around with electronics until I find what I'm good at.
I still can't get over the feels of how disposable technology is though. If you write a song, someone could be whistling it hundreds of years from now. Someone is at least going to appreciate it in the moment. If you write a program, it won't get used a year from now. If you lose power to your house, you can't use it. But people could still drum a beat, or appreciate an art piece. But nobody's gonna thinking about your code.
It's quite weird but I can't feel integrated in any culture. I dislike the culture of everything I like. I like anime, but the culture that surrounds it is disgusting, even on websites (like 8ch) where I should find likeminded people, the behaviour of these people just abhors me. I like literature, but the entire literature community nowadays is filled with pseudointelectuals, women and annoying whiteknights that only read Science fiction and Fantasy. I don't feel superior to them, but I simply dislike them and don't want something to do with them. Why is it so difficult to find a community or even just a friend where you fit in?
>>11168
I can enjoy things, yes, but I can't enjoy the culture that surrounds these things. Never have I enjoyed participating in /a/ style boards even though I really like anime and I would like to discuss some anime. I even try to seek like minded people and went to an anime club and literature club in my university, but I left the very next day. I feel as if a part of the experience is taken away from me.
I can enjoy things, yes, but I can't enjoy the culture that surrounds these things. Never have I enjoyed participating in /a/ style boards even though I really like anime and I would like to discuss some anime. I even try to seek like minded people and went to an anime club and literature club in my university, but I left the very next day. I feel as if a part of the experience is taken away from me.
>>11169
The thing is its in your head. The only people who care about the culture are the people in the culture. Also "women" somehow being a negative subset of a culture is bizarre to me. Why does girls liking books make you not want to read? These are hardly cultures anyways, more micro cultures. They will only define you as much as you let them.
The sooner you stop putting people into boxes the sooner you can start enjoying people for who they are and also enjoying your hobbies. Its a win win.
The thing is its in your head. The only people who care about the culture are the people in the culture. Also "women" somehow being a negative subset of a culture is bizarre to me. Why does girls liking books make you not want to read? These are hardly cultures anyways, more micro cultures. They will only define you as much as you let them.
The sooner you stop putting people into boxes the sooner you can start enjoying people for who they are and also enjoying your hobbies. Its a win win.
>>11170
Easier said than done. I never had a real friend.
>>11171
Well, I don't care about the cultures, I don't care about a club or /a/ but I wish to be part of one and enjoy it, which I sadly cannot achieve. Of course women are negatives in cultures, you can observe it in pretty much everything if you pay attention. It's not about girls liking books making reading books worse, it's about women expressing their worthless opinion on something and then getting gratified by others just for being a female.
Easier said than done. I never had a real friend.
>>11171
Well, I don't care about the cultures, I don't care about a club or /a/ but I wish to be part of one and enjoy it, which I sadly cannot achieve. Of course women are negatives in cultures, you can observe it in pretty much everything if you pay attention. It's not about girls liking books making reading books worse, it's about women expressing their worthless opinion on something and then getting gratified by others just for being a female.
>>11173
Your lumping a good half of human beings into one culture, based on surface level assumptions you are making, likely based off false interpretations of what you think their motives are behind doing what they are doinh. I doubt you ever have made close friends with a girl, or taken the time to really see what goes on in their head, because you dont think its worth it not an insult but an observation. I dont know where you see women being gratified just for giving opinions.
Maybe you actually get along better with girls but never gave them a real chance and thats why you never had a real friend.
Your lumping a good half of human beings into one culture, based on surface level assumptions you are making, likely based off false interpretations of what you think their motives are behind doing what they are doinh. I doubt you ever have made close friends with a girl, or taken the time to really see what goes on in their head, because you dont think its worth it not an insult but an observation. I dont know where you see women being gratified just for giving opinions.
Maybe you actually get along better with girls but never gave them a real chance and thats why you never had a real friend.
You always said I was the little kid of the group.
Then why did you start touching up on me, force me to become a man and then leave me. The least you could have done was stayed with me, just for a bit longer.
Now my innocence is gone and I have nothing to show for it. Of course I stopped being able to make you laugh, of course I stopped being lighthearted, of course I started treating you different, of course I started freaking out and pushing when I knew I was losing you. You did this, you never had to make it into that. I can honestly say I didnt know any better, I was just following your lead. You did know better, you knew everything about me.
You are the only person in all of my life to hurt me and set me back this much. I dont think I really even knew what pain was until I met you, or happiness I suppose. You terrify me, and im forced to see you at least every other day. You keep me up at night, you invade my brain when im happy, I know you have the power to ruin or make my day with just a single stare. I know you use me even to this day and I feel unable to stop it. I really really really want to forget you, I dont think i've ever wanted another human being dead, but I wish you were sometimes so I could let all the emotions out, grieve and move on. You made me close everyone out, you even made me act rudely to my own mother. I thought you had a plan for us, I trusted you, you made me think I didnt have to be sad anymore. I hope this is the last time I cry over you, I want to move on with my life. I wish I could talk to you in person one last time but you won't even give me that I know it. I know you wont give me closure because you dont care about me. I know you wont give it to me you dont like to give. I know you'd laugh at me if I started crying and I know I would cry.
Why are you such a big deal to me. I wish I could blow you off like you blew me off. I wish I had your brain, id be invincible with a brain like yours. Why did we have to have good memories together, why couldnt you have just messed with me more so that you could deserve everything.
now I enjoy being hurt, I enjoy feeling lesser. slave morality and mentality. If there is anything that would help me move on sadly its your blessing. for you to tell me you think good of me, that you wish me the best and trust il do well in life. its a sign of my sickness, but it really would mean everything for you to just tell me that you trust i will make good judgements for myself. thats why I wanted you around longer so you could teach me and guide me to be more like you. i know im a fool and im self conscious about it because sometimes i think id be doing the right thing and you would tell me how wrong I had it. I know there is a lot I must still be doing wrong because of this. I tried copying you for awhile only to learn how futile that was. I cant be you, so what is it that you have. I try to take something and learn something from every person I meet that I admire. I admired you and spent more time with you than anyone, why am I empty handed? Im conflicted, I always will be. I don't know if you are a devil or a saint. Did you maybe leave because you saw the damage you caused me and knew it was best. Did you leave because you just are stupid and I wasnt who you thought I was? Or was your plan all along just to mess with me until you got bored. I can see straight through most people, not you though.
Regardless in the personal history of my mind, time will show you as being one of the defining turning points in my life. I hope its for the better. At times im not sure, I feel myself slipping into old habits and thought patterns now and then.
Then why did you start touching up on me, force me to become a man and then leave me. The least you could have done was stayed with me, just for a bit longer.
Now my innocence is gone and I have nothing to show for it. Of course I stopped being able to make you laugh, of course I stopped being lighthearted, of course I started treating you different, of course I started freaking out and pushing when I knew I was losing you. You did this, you never had to make it into that. I can honestly say I didnt know any better, I was just following your lead. You did know better, you knew everything about me.
You are the only person in all of my life to hurt me and set me back this much. I dont think I really even knew what pain was until I met you, or happiness I suppose. You terrify me, and im forced to see you at least every other day. You keep me up at night, you invade my brain when im happy, I know you have the power to ruin or make my day with just a single stare. I know you use me even to this day and I feel unable to stop it. I really really really want to forget you, I dont think i've ever wanted another human being dead, but I wish you were sometimes so I could let all the emotions out, grieve and move on. You made me close everyone out, you even made me act rudely to my own mother. I thought you had a plan for us, I trusted you, you made me think I didnt have to be sad anymore. I hope this is the last time I cry over you, I want to move on with my life. I wish I could talk to you in person one last time but you won't even give me that I know it. I know you wont give me closure because you dont care about me. I know you wont give it to me you dont like to give. I know you'd laugh at me if I started crying and I know I would cry.
Why are you such a big deal to me. I wish I could blow you off like you blew me off. I wish I had your brain, id be invincible with a brain like yours. Why did we have to have good memories together, why couldnt you have just messed with me more so that you could deserve everything.
now I enjoy being hurt, I enjoy feeling lesser. slave morality and mentality. If there is anything that would help me move on sadly its your blessing. for you to tell me you think good of me, that you wish me the best and trust il do well in life. its a sign of my sickness, but it really would mean everything for you to just tell me that you trust i will make good judgements for myself. thats why I wanted you around longer so you could teach me and guide me to be more like you. i know im a fool and im self conscious about it because sometimes i think id be doing the right thing and you would tell me how wrong I had it. I know there is a lot I must still be doing wrong because of this. I tried copying you for awhile only to learn how futile that was. I cant be you, so what is it that you have. I try to take something and learn something from every person I meet that I admire. I admired you and spent more time with you than anyone, why am I empty handed? Im conflicted, I always will be. I don't know if you are a devil or a saint. Did you maybe leave because you saw the damage you caused me and knew it was best. Did you leave because you just are stupid and I wasnt who you thought I was? Or was your plan all along just to mess with me until you got bored. I can see straight through most people, not you though.
Regardless in the personal history of my mind, time will show you as being one of the defining turning points in my life. I hope its for the better. At times im not sure, I feel myself slipping into old habits and thought patterns now and then.
>>11173
The problem here isn't "women" it's groups of people overcompensating for what they see as one half of the species not beong taken seriously for thousands of years. You weren't alive for those thousands of years and are basing your opinion on what you read on the internet in 2017. When you whine about HURRR WUMMINS RUINS ERRYTHING you just give them the further proof they need to demonstrate that females are discriminated against.
The problem here isn't "women" it's groups of people overcompensating for what they see as one half of the species not beong taken seriously for thousands of years. You weren't alive for those thousands of years and are basing your opinion on what you read on the internet in 2017. When you whine about HURRR WUMMINS RUINS ERRYTHING you just give them the further proof they need to demonstrate that females are discriminated against.
The other day i was hugged by a stranger and was shocked by how warm and soft they were and how natural it felt. I suddenly realized it's been so long since i touched another person that i actually forgot what human bodies feel like. Wouldn't have expected a hug could make me feel more alone.
>>11191
I kind of know what you mean. The other day I was hugged by someone I've known for 20 years and used to sleep with briefly but never see anymore. She didn't have time to sit and chat or anything.
The I realized, no one's hugged me since xmas and that would have been my little brother, my nephew probably. I was sitting there after this hug and my hands started shaking. It was a good feeling but after it passed I thought "so, three more months until the next one?"
I kind of know what you mean. The other day I was hugged by someone I've known for 20 years and used to sleep with briefly but never see anymore. She didn't have time to sit and chat or anything.
The I realized, no one's hugged me since xmas and that would have been my little brother, my nephew probably. I was sitting there after this hug and my hands started shaking. It was a good feeling but after it passed I thought "so, three more months until the next one?"
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>>11191
When the last person you really huggied died afterwords. It fuarrrks you up man. That is your intamate space, somewhere thats yours. I miss the human touch but i fear it. I hunger for the feeling of comfort that a hug brings. Even when soykaf isnt okay it can become bearable.
We grab our electronics, our smart phones and tablets. We drown in a shower of white light deep into the night. Confusing facebook for some kind of meaningfull interaction with other people. Taking pills for the now and sinking deeper into dispair. Rather then fix our phones we toss them out, oh how cruel and unfortiving we are in our faceless dialogs. For what we believe has brought us closer, has driven us farther into the deep dispair that we all die alone and afraid. There is one absolute in life.
What the fuarrrk are we doing to ourselfs man? I mean really how do we live like this at all? Its like empathy went out the window with sanity. Took a stroll one day and never came back.
I just want a hug.
When the last person you really huggied died afterwords. It fuarrrks you up man. That is your intamate space, somewhere thats yours. I miss the human touch but i fear it. I hunger for the feeling of comfort that a hug brings. Even when soykaf isnt okay it can become bearable.
We grab our electronics, our smart phones and tablets. We drown in a shower of white light deep into the night. Confusing facebook for some kind of meaningfull interaction with other people. Taking pills for the now and sinking deeper into dispair. Rather then fix our phones we toss them out, oh how cruel and unfortiving we are in our faceless dialogs. For what we believe has brought us closer, has driven us farther into the deep dispair that we all die alone and afraid. There is one absolute in life.
What the fuarrrk are we doing to ourselfs man? I mean really how do we live like this at all? Its like empathy went out the window with sanity. Took a stroll one day and never came back.
I just want a hug.
I worry sometimes that I'm sabotaging myself down the road by being so indifferent to relationships, especially romantic. I have no problem getting along with almost anybody in work-related situations where we're forced to be together; I guess people like my unfiltered personality, but all of my friendships are 9-5-- once work is over I eat dinner, go to my room, and stay there until it's time for breakfast. It's totally great for me right now, but I can't help but imagine myself realizing only too late that I want a wife and kids. For the first time I convinced myself to stumble through a couple conversations with a cute girl I kept seeing around as a sort of test run and realized that I never developed the ability to express interest in that sort of way, probably because I spent 12 years with the same 40 kids in a small school. I'm not bothered by this in itself, but I have this mild sense of dread when I consider how specific my tastes in girls are alongside the fact that I'm opposed to dating girls with any intention other than marriage. It just seems like a recipe for a loneliness that will destroy me in my later years.
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I think i'll need some advice.
This year is turning better for me, but i have the same problems and new ones.
I still don't know what to do about love and friendship, because i'm the kind of person who is quiet, shy, mean, responsive, despot . Also i don't know how to talk to friends and my crush, we even have similar interests.
I been in love for a girl since the past year, she is the kind of cute girl . we "hangout" or something (my first time) the last month and i been thinking about do it again, but i have the same communication problems whit her.
I been feeling happier since i go often to church, and got new medicaments for my disorders.
This year is turning better for me, but i have the same problems and new ones.
I still don't know what to do about love and friendship, because i'm the kind of person who is quiet, shy, mean, responsive, despot . Also i don't know how to talk to friends and my crush, we even have similar interests.
I been in love for a girl since the past year, she is the kind of cute girl . we "hangout" or something (my first time) the last month and i been thinking about do it again, but i have the same communication problems whit her.
I been feeling happier since i go often to church, and got new medicaments for my disorders.
>>11233
There's two approach that I know that could help you, but it really depends on you. The first is the behaviorist (Skinner). The behaviorism is basically the study of behavior through the usage of reinforcement and punishment. So, let's say, if you do something, and some external force (let's say a person you really like or respect) say to you that you did a good job, the probability that you'll do more of this something is bigger. On the other hand, if this someone that you respect say to you that he/she didn't like what you did, the probability that you commit this behavior again have less probability.
You can use it in your favor with yourself, like a game: every action that you do good, you can use a reinforcement to remember yourself that you did a good job. So, let's say you get out and talk with someone you like, and didn't get nervous or something. You can give yourself like, a gift, such as allow yourself to play some game that you like, or eat something you like. Now, if you do some behavior that you don't want to repeat, you can punish yourself. Not physical punishment, never, but what's called the "negative punishment", that's when you remove something that do good for your, or bring you pleasure. So, let's say you got mean to someone you like, and you feel regret about it. You could, for example, remove the games you like for 3 days, or not allow you to enter on some websites you like to frequent, and so on.
The probability, according to some studies on psychology (including the famous CBT - Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) is that your behavior will fix itself.
Now, the other approach is the biological one. You can start exercise, for example. I know it's hard and boring, but you don't have to do it for long time. There's a thing called HIIT (high intensity interval training), that allow you to do only 20 minutes of exercise and get all the benefits from it. One of it's benefits is the release of BDNF, a thing that help with depression (and also get you smarter). The other thing you could do is get to eat better food. Lower carbohydrates and more fat is better for health and you could get better on your social skills too, since your neurochemistry you'll be more "in order", with all the nutrients needed for it to synthesize it's neurotransmitters, such as serotonin.
Now, to the part you really asked:
>I still don't know what to do about love and friendship, because i'm the kind of person who is quiet, shy, mean, responsive, despot . Also i don't know how to talk to friends and my crush, we even have similar interests.
Start on internet. If you don't feel comfortable with physical contact, start a conversation through internet is a good start.
You can talk about things you have in common with the other person. The rooted the subject is in to their life (if she likes it), the more this subject will be a pleasure to talk with other person. Let's say she study game design. If she really like it, she'll be more willing to get into a conversation about it. So you can get with some news about the new nintendo, or some new engine, or API release, etc. And, from this start, you can keep the conversation going, extending it to more personal subjects, such as her family, her state of mind (sadness, happiness, etc).
You can find some tips about how to behavior with a girl on internet too. It's not all bullsoykaf, there's some good research on this topic that can help you. Try to read about it, maybe it help you.
Sorry to be to extensive on my reply.
There's two approach that I know that could help you, but it really depends on you. The first is the behaviorist (Skinner). The behaviorism is basically the study of behavior through the usage of reinforcement and punishment. So, let's say, if you do something, and some external force (let's say a person you really like or respect) say to you that you did a good job, the probability that you'll do more of this something is bigger. On the other hand, if this someone that you respect say to you that he/she didn't like what you did, the probability that you commit this behavior again have less probability.
You can use it in your favor with yourself, like a game: every action that you do good, you can use a reinforcement to remember yourself that you did a good job. So, let's say you get out and talk with someone you like, and didn't get nervous or something. You can give yourself like, a gift, such as allow yourself to play some game that you like, or eat something you like. Now, if you do some behavior that you don't want to repeat, you can punish yourself. Not physical punishment, never, but what's called the "negative punishment", that's when you remove something that do good for your, or bring you pleasure. So, let's say you got mean to someone you like, and you feel regret about it. You could, for example, remove the games you like for 3 days, or not allow you to enter on some websites you like to frequent, and so on.
The probability, according to some studies on psychology (including the famous CBT - Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) is that your behavior will fix itself.
Now, the other approach is the biological one. You can start exercise, for example. I know it's hard and boring, but you don't have to do it for long time. There's a thing called HIIT (high intensity interval training), that allow you to do only 20 minutes of exercise and get all the benefits from it. One of it's benefits is the release of BDNF, a thing that help with depression (and also get you smarter). The other thing you could do is get to eat better food. Lower carbohydrates and more fat is better for health and you could get better on your social skills too, since your neurochemistry you'll be more "in order", with all the nutrients needed for it to synthesize it's neurotransmitters, such as serotonin.
Now, to the part you really asked:
>I still don't know what to do about love and friendship, because i'm the kind of person who is quiet, shy, mean, responsive, despot . Also i don't know how to talk to friends and my crush, we even have similar interests.
Start on internet. If you don't feel comfortable with physical contact, start a conversation through internet is a good start.
You can talk about things you have in common with the other person. The rooted the subject is in to their life (if she likes it), the more this subject will be a pleasure to talk with other person. Let's say she study game design. If she really like it, she'll be more willing to get into a conversation about it. So you can get with some news about the new nintendo, or some new engine, or API release, etc. And, from this start, you can keep the conversation going, extending it to more personal subjects, such as her family, her state of mind (sadness, happiness, etc).
You can find some tips about how to behavior with a girl on internet too. It's not all bullsoykaf, there's some good research on this topic that can help you. Try to read about it, maybe it help you.
Sorry to be to extensive on my reply.
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>>11198
I too am having this feel, anon. I think I would love to have a family, but I am used to being deceived by my hopes and wishful thinking, so I am sure those instincts are pointing me to failure.
But the urge to love is so strong, and there is nobody whom I can commit these feels to, so they're all just building up. I really don't know how much more of this I can take.
>>11237
>>11235
I'm going to watch this movie you two are talking about.
And I think you were given some good advice. I have often considered trying to sign up for online dating, but my infosec paranoia as well as very obscure type of personality is giving me a defeatist outlook on the proposition.
I too am having this feel, anon. I think I would love to have a family, but I am used to being deceived by my hopes and wishful thinking, so I am sure those instincts are pointing me to failure.
But the urge to love is so strong, and there is nobody whom I can commit these feels to, so they're all just building up. I really don't know how much more of this I can take.
>>11237
>>11235
I'm going to watch this movie you two are talking about.
And I think you were given some good advice. I have often considered trying to sign up for online dating, but my infosec paranoia as well as very obscure type of personality is giving me a defeatist outlook on the proposition.
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>>11238
>I'm going to watch this movie you two are talking about.
Maybe a bit late, but I would advise that you read about it a little before you start. Not necessarily because it's hard to understand (though it can be), but because it's quite long and, if you've never seen any of Tarkovsky's films and don't know what to expect, may seem to drag on and become boring.
I wouldn't worry too much about the plot being spoilt; most of the enjoyment of the film is in the cinematography anyway. It is a very good film, but I don't even think I would enjoy it if I wasn't in the right zone
>I'm going to watch this movie you two are talking about.
Maybe a bit late, but I would advise that you read about it a little before you start. Not necessarily because it's hard to understand (though it can be), but because it's quite long and, if you've never seen any of Tarkovsky's films and don't know what to expect, may seem to drag on and become boring.
I wouldn't worry too much about the plot being spoilt; most of the enjoyment of the film is in the cinematography anyway. It is a very good film, but I don't even think I would enjoy it if I wasn't in the right zone
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>>11241
I just finished it about 30 minutes ago, yes, it was long. I had to prevent myself from checking how long was left a few times to not break the flow of things.
>may find it boring/drawn out
It is bittersweet to be the sensistive type, but I picked up on the "value" of the style of film almost immediately, and knew - more or less - what I was going to be in for within the first few minutes.
Since its ending I've queued another of his films for download ''The Sacrifice'' and a film by a director which is Wiki page indicated he was inspired by. The film ''Persona'' by Ingvar Bergman.
Also queued Lustmord ''Stalker'' because dark ambient music is a genre I'm hard pressed to find personally agreeable albums within, but given that I enjoyed ''Stalker'''s score, and the Lustmord album is said to be inspired by it, I figured I'd try my luck.
I just finished it about 30 minutes ago, yes, it was long. I had to prevent myself from checking how long was left a few times to not break the flow of things.
>may find it boring/drawn out
It is bittersweet to be the sensistive type, but I picked up on the "value" of the style of film almost immediately, and knew - more or less - what I was going to be in for within the first few minutes.
Since its ending I've queued another of his films for download ''The Sacrifice'' and a film by a director which is Wiki page indicated he was inspired by. The film ''Persona'' by Ingvar Bergman.
Also queued Lustmord ''Stalker'' because dark ambient music is a genre I'm hard pressed to find personally agreeable albums within, but given that I enjoyed ''Stalker'''s score, and the Lustmord album is said to be inspired by it, I figured I'd try my luck.
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How do you go about making friends with females? I'm not talking about any romantic element to this, I've just never had a female friend (apart from when I was a very young child) and I feel like it's holding me back.
The two main problems I face are a lack of common interests and my own cripling insecurity. I can never relax when there are girls about, I can't realy relax when guys are about either but it's worse with girls. I'm not looking for someone who shares every one of my interests, just enough to have something to do / talk about.
The two main problems I face are a lack of common interests and my own cripling insecurity. I can never relax when there are girls about, I can't realy relax when guys are about either but it's worse with girls. I'm not looking for someone who shares every one of my interests, just enough to have something to do / talk about.
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My GF of 2+ years broke up with me and I'm pretty sure she was cheating on me and that's why she's fuarrrking her friend now. She has tried to convince me otherwise but I don't know what to believe. Maybe she's in denial and trying to convince herself.
I don't think I'll ever figure out the "truth" so I just want to figure out the best way to move on with my soykafty life. Seeing her face gives me a horrible feeling. Especially seeing pictures from her cosplaying with her "new" guy. I'm trying to just avoid anything to do with her and keep my mind on better things but I just feel a lonely hopelessness.
Let this post be a marker I can compare myself to in a few months to see if I get over this.
I don't think I'll ever figure out the "truth" so I just want to figure out the best way to move on with my soykafty life. Seeing her face gives me a horrible feeling. Especially seeing pictures from her cosplaying with her "new" guy. I'm trying to just avoid anything to do with her and keep my mind on better things but I just feel a lonely hopelessness.
Let this post be a marker I can compare myself to in a few months to see if I get over this.
this is going to sound shallow as fuarrrk, but is it "ok" to date someone less attractive than you? there's someone I'm interested in but they're a decent bit less attractive than me (not by huge margin, I still find them physically attractive in certain ways) but from being around them/talking for a while I feel like they're the kind of person I'd want to spend time with. Is this OK? I don't want to come across as trying to take advantage of them or only approaching them because I think it'll be "easy".
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>>11258
Sure, but don't go into it thinking people only judge your relationship on it's physical merits.
Most people seeing that you have a girlfriend in the first place is a huge social merit badge, and then their secondary bias kick in (how your kids would look, class/economic differences etc)
Just try to act like you're no more necessary in the relationship than she is . .
Sure, but don't go into it thinking people only judge your relationship on it's physical merits.
Most people seeing that you have a girlfriend in the first place is a huge social merit badge, and then their secondary bias kick in (how your kids would look, class/economic differences etc)
Just try to act like you're no more necessary in the relationship than she is . .
please please please come back. i miss you so much. do whatever you want to me i wont tell anyone this time.
Pain in abdomen from stressful & nervous life
Stress from all the work and school
Nervousness from wanting for things to get better but really scared of failing
Starting to get sores on my legs
Hopefully I will push throigh these hard times and in about 3 months live the life I always wanted to live.
There is nothing actually I can do but meditate and abuse benzos that my friend gives.
Wish me luck lainons, it would really mean a lot to me.
Stress from all the work and school
Nervousness from wanting for things to get better but really scared of failing
Starting to get sores on my legs
Hopefully I will push throigh these hard times and in about 3 months live the life I always wanted to live.
There is nothing actually I can do but meditate and abuse benzos that my friend gives.
Wish me luck lainons, it would really mean a lot to me.
I hate myself. So, I created a new internet personality to shut away the problems I had and tried my hand at being happy and forgetting everything from before. The feeling of despair still doesn't go away and now I can't tell anyone how I really feel.
>notasplanned.jpg
The day I realized I had painted myself into a corner and built my own prison cell, I started laughing for the first time in years.
>notasplanned.jpg
The day I realized I had painted myself into a corner and built my own prison cell, I started laughing for the first time in years.
My life is supposed to be better than ever, not that this means much.
I am torn apart by anxiety, i should feel somewhat happy and i do, but also terribly scared and lonely.
The drifting in between happiness and utter despair keeps getting stronger.
My mind is completely stunned, i feel like im trapped in the eye of the storm now.
I cannot trust my emotions and my mind is in shock.
I am conflicted in so many ways.
I am torn apart by anxiety, i should feel somewhat happy and i do, but also terribly scared and lonely.
The drifting in between happiness and utter despair keeps getting stronger.
My mind is completely stunned, i feel like im trapped in the eye of the storm now.
I cannot trust my emotions and my mind is in shock.
I am conflicted in so many ways.
>>11244
You were deceived. It is beyond likely that you were cheated on. Consider it a difficult lesson learned, but also, in time, try to see it as a blessing.
Because now, you know the signs. You will recognize the flags women fly, and know when to bail, before they get within your personal emotional space. You probably just saved yourself hundreds of thousands of dollars - because women prey on this sort of ignorance when looking for someone to marry. #NotAllWomen, but it would be fuarrrking stupid to say there are no bad actors out there on both sides.
I highly suggest either doing away with social media entirely for a period, or at least blocking or banning her, her new boyfriend, and any of your "Friends" who seem to be totally okay with befriending, basically, a backstabbing slut. If they are okay with seeing you get backstabbed, what makes you think they will not be okay with backstabbing you themselves? Do you really think they are "Good, forgiving" people for standing idly by while people are getting very obviously betrayed? Why lay within the pit of snakes? The only way out is to elevate yourself.
Cut the rotten branch off to save the tree. Chew your own leg off to fight another day. Distance is the only thing that will give you perspective, and you are keeping yourself way too close.
You were deceived. It is beyond likely that you were cheated on. Consider it a difficult lesson learned, but also, in time, try to see it as a blessing.
Because now, you know the signs. You will recognize the flags women fly, and know when to bail, before they get within your personal emotional space. You probably just saved yourself hundreds of thousands of dollars - because women prey on this sort of ignorance when looking for someone to marry. #NotAllWomen, but it would be fuarrrking stupid to say there are no bad actors out there on both sides.
I highly suggest either doing away with social media entirely for a period, or at least blocking or banning her, her new boyfriend, and any of your "Friends" who seem to be totally okay with befriending, basically, a backstabbing slut. If they are okay with seeing you get backstabbed, what makes you think they will not be okay with backstabbing you themselves? Do you really think they are "Good, forgiving" people for standing idly by while people are getting very obviously betrayed? Why lay within the pit of snakes? The only way out is to elevate yourself.
Cut the rotten branch off to save the tree. Chew your own leg off to fight another day. Distance is the only thing that will give you perspective, and you are keeping yourself way too close.
I started my new job, and I'm a few days in now. How is it going? That's a difficult question. I get along well at the job, and I do believe being around other people for many hours at a time is beneficial. For some reason, I've had a recurring nightmare the past two nights where I'm trapped working forever, but I attribute it only to nervousness. I'm getting a little at-ease with it now, almost excessively, and the hours fly by. I didn't take this job for the money, but the mental health benefits.
So far? It's working, a little. Nothing definitive yet, but music is slightly more enjoyable than it was a week ago, and I don't feel the need to vent a billion times on the internet. I'm also losing a little weight from standing all the time.
That's where I'm at right now. With my first paycheck, I'll buy some exercise equipment, and hopefully find time to work out on top of my schoolwork to touch off the improvements. At least for the short term, things are okay.
So far? It's working, a little. Nothing definitive yet, but music is slightly more enjoyable than it was a week ago, and I don't feel the need to vent a billion times on the internet. I'm also losing a little weight from standing all the time.
That's where I'm at right now. With my first paycheck, I'll buy some exercise equipment, and hopefully find time to work out on top of my schoolwork to touch off the improvements. At least for the short term, things are okay.
>>11272
Not him but I think so and remember a relationship is best when it elevates everybody. when one of you doesnt rely on the other but you both push eachother.
The fact that you want to be with this person even if they may be less attractive makes me think you are doing this and it is a good relationship though. You obviously really enjoy her company.
Not him but I think so and remember a relationship is best when it elevates everybody. when one of you doesnt rely on the other but you both push eachother.
The fact that you want to be with this person even if they may be less attractive makes me think you are doing this and it is a good relationship though. You obviously really enjoy her company.
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i have an irrational hatred of my roommate.
all he does is play nba 2k17, from either noon or 2pm until 10pm, every single night. it's the only game he plays and he's always talking to three people he went to high school with over his headset. he has friends here at school, he his pictures of his family in our room, and he sleeps with his girlfriend every night (hence leaving at 10pm), but all he fuarrrking does with his life is play this stupid basketball game. i don't think it's fair for me to get so upset at him for this because i don't do anything with my life, either. i don't have any friends here and i spend at least 12 hours a day doing fuarrrkall on imageboards and youtube. does it make sense for me to be mad at him for doing nothing with his life because he has solid relationships and i don't? or because he has potential to be doing things that i wish i could and he passes them up to do the same fruitless thing every single day? it feels retarded for me to hate someone just for enjoying something.
i don't want to be mad at him all the time, but i can't seem to help it. he's a big dumb fuarrrking retard with a single thing that his entire life revolves around. he has the same conversations about shoes and college teams day after day after day and he never gets sick of it. he never wants more, and he doesn't give a soykaf about improving himself or doing anything new. i want to be better; i would love to stop being a piece of soykaf, but i’m weak and feel trapped by expectations, so i shut myself down a lot, or something like that. maybe i think that he has no real justification for his laziness? he doesn't seem like a sad person, and i only feel okay saying that because i've been able to witness his relationship with his friends/family/gf. am i just upset that he has a group of people that he can do soykaf with for 10 hours a day and i don't?
i want to fully understand what about this situation bothers me so much that i felt the need to write about it. i feel like such an asshole for holding him to different standards than i hold myself to. i really don't want to feel like a dick.
all he does is play nba 2k17, from either noon or 2pm until 10pm, every single night. it's the only game he plays and he's always talking to three people he went to high school with over his headset. he has friends here at school, he his pictures of his family in our room, and he sleeps with his girlfriend every night (hence leaving at 10pm), but all he fuarrrking does with his life is play this stupid basketball game. i don't think it's fair for me to get so upset at him for this because i don't do anything with my life, either. i don't have any friends here and i spend at least 12 hours a day doing fuarrrkall on imageboards and youtube. does it make sense for me to be mad at him for doing nothing with his life because he has solid relationships and i don't? or because he has potential to be doing things that i wish i could and he passes them up to do the same fruitless thing every single day? it feels retarded for me to hate someone just for enjoying something.
i don't want to be mad at him all the time, but i can't seem to help it. he's a big dumb fuarrrking retard with a single thing that his entire life revolves around. he has the same conversations about shoes and college teams day after day after day and he never gets sick of it. he never wants more, and he doesn't give a soykaf about improving himself or doing anything new. i want to be better; i would love to stop being a piece of soykaf, but i’m weak and feel trapped by expectations, so i shut myself down a lot, or something like that. maybe i think that he has no real justification for his laziness? he doesn't seem like a sad person, and i only feel okay saying that because i've been able to witness his relationship with his friends/family/gf. am i just upset that he has a group of people that he can do soykaf with for 10 hours a day and i don't?
i want to fully understand what about this situation bothers me so much that i felt the need to write about it. i feel like such an asshole for holding him to different standards than i hold myself to. i really don't want to feel like a dick.
>>11276
I think you're right, you kid of envy him because he has all these things that you don't (a gf, friends, whatever) while being a completely dull person, and you can see it reflecting in playing some normal ass videogame about sports. The exact same thing that you do (waste your time mindlessly staring at some screen) bothers you because it's like a reflection of your own self, only more stupid and more socially successful.
I think you're right, you kid of envy him because he has all these things that you don't (a gf, friends, whatever) while being a completely dull person, and you can see it reflecting in playing some normal ass videogame about sports. The exact same thing that you do (waste your time mindlessly staring at some screen) bothers you because it's like a reflection of your own self, only more stupid and more socially successful.
I really like black girls, especially super outgoing black girls, but im a fairly shy white dude. Thats just who I am, when I try to be super like pushy and put myself out there it stresses me out and that stress doesnt go away, because I know im being fake and cant maintain it. People dont respond well to it either. People seem to like me a lot better when I shave and am soft spoken and nice.
Ive also only ever been a secret friends with benefits which I can only assume is because im not man enough and I know I wont be for the same reasons. Girls if anything just want to keep me on the side because they are ashamed of me or something, the minute I want something more they leave. Im not super effeminate at all, but def on the more sensitive side probably because I was raised by a single mother. The only compliments that I do get are that im cute, but only ever in private and its not in a way that makes me feel good about myself. Ive started working out a month ago (im already in shape but to get buff) but that isnt going to fix my personality really. maybe give me a slight confidence boost which will likely just make me more confident about not having someone.
Ive tried having relationships with shyer people and it just doesnt work. I need someone who makes me put myself out and encourages me to speak. 90% of my time is spent silent id say. I feel like im going to be alone for most of my life, the sort of people I like will never be attracted to me. I cant settle for less id rather be alone. Hell at the end of the day I just want a friend, I like talking to girls better especially strong ones. I just always feel like I learn a lot about myself. With my friends who are guys it just always feels like im butting heads.
tl:dr im a little bitch but i want a black gf among other things.
Ive also only ever been a secret friends with benefits which I can only assume is because im not man enough and I know I wont be for the same reasons. Girls if anything just want to keep me on the side because they are ashamed of me or something, the minute I want something more they leave. Im not super effeminate at all, but def on the more sensitive side probably because I was raised by a single mother. The only compliments that I do get are that im cute, but only ever in private and its not in a way that makes me feel good about myself. Ive started working out a month ago (im already in shape but to get buff) but that isnt going to fix my personality really. maybe give me a slight confidence boost which will likely just make me more confident about not having someone.
Ive tried having relationships with shyer people and it just doesnt work. I need someone who makes me put myself out and encourages me to speak. 90% of my time is spent silent id say. I feel like im going to be alone for most of my life, the sort of people I like will never be attracted to me. I cant settle for less id rather be alone. Hell at the end of the day I just want a friend, I like talking to girls better especially strong ones. I just always feel like I learn a lot about myself. With my friends who are guys it just always feels like im butting heads.
tl:dr im a little bitch but i want a black gf among other things.
I'm so tired of hearing other people vent or being the one people can tell me what's wrong, and rarely do people ask me if I'm okay...
It's like they're putting weights on me and not even bothering to ask "Can you hold this please?"
I have such a depressing life, and yet almost none of my friends are willing to let me vent...
It's such bullsoykaf.
It's like they're putting weights on me and not even bothering to ask "Can you hold this please?"
I have such a depressing life, and yet almost none of my friends are willing to let me vent...
It's such bullsoykaf.
>>11293
>lost one person I can count on
>one day different friend is talking to me and im kind of venting about said person wondering why they were drawn to me in the first place
>he tells "dont change this but you just seem like a rock and give off this vibe that you can be relied on"
>i literally yell "oh fuarrrk no are you serious"
im not a rock. im a fuarrrking mess inside. I want people i can rely on not people who just rely on me. I have to remind myself why not to kill myself on the daily.
>lost one person I can count on
>one day different friend is talking to me and im kind of venting about said person wondering why they were drawn to me in the first place
>he tells "dont change this but you just seem like a rock and give off this vibe that you can be relied on"
>i literally yell "oh fuarrrk no are you serious"
im not a rock. im a fuarrrking mess inside. I want people i can rely on not people who just rely on me. I have to remind myself why not to kill myself on the daily.
Its just math and science and numbers and work. If I cant get into some drawing and color theory classes next semester I don't think I can keep going. No more fun, no more smiling faces, and no art. Life is very very boring for me at the moment.
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>>11311
>some drawing and color theory classes next semester
Why bother? Draw for yourself; buy a notebook and a couple of pencils, if you don't own any, and just put them together. Draw your room, draw your flatmates and your family and your friends, find a quiet spot in the countryside and draw there. Your life is boring at the moment. Don't wait till next semester - draw now, skip classes if you have to. You can always catch up later.
>some drawing and color theory classes next semester
Why bother? Draw for yourself; buy a notebook and a couple of pencils, if you don't own any, and just put them together. Draw your room, draw your flatmates and your family and your friends, find a quiet spot in the countryside and draw there. Your life is boring at the moment. Don't wait till next semester - draw now, skip classes if you have to. You can always catch up later.
>>11315
I do but ive hit a point where my progress is super slow. I need a teacher now. I just feel frustrated when im drawing. Im terrible at self teaching, im surprised ive gotten this far. My anatomy has gotten to the point where the untrained eye cant see any issues or would assume im making style choices, but thats only in my decent to good drawings. I want the be able to make perfect human beings, plants animals and machines on the spot every time.
I cant even begin to comprehend how much time im going to have to spend learning colors. Or crosshatching, I know my drawings would look great with crosshatched shading but I cant fuarrrking do it. I get so pissed seeing failure after failure come out of my hands. I need live feedback.
>>11314
I havent quite read this yet but will do. From a brief skim its about how math is taught in a very soykafty uncreative way? And talking about how if art was taught in such a way its magic would be completely lost? I know, in fact I can appreciate higher level math or at least my idea of it, being somebody just trudging through calculus at the moment. I would love to have a great intuitive feel for math, and again its one of those insecurities and gaps that frustrates me. At the moment im actually in a math class ive already taken, I took it because I thought maybe id understand it better after a second time and be able to fill in gaps im missing. But im very very bored with it, and I wasnt missing as much as I thought. Its a 2 hour long class, it is like kicking dead whales down the beach the life out of me.
Im at the point where my interest in art has carried me far enough to where I would really benefit from some structured class. And more than anything I want to meet people who like to make art, and I want to see what other people are making. I have 0 friends who actually are interested in art the way I am. I have no one to look up to or learn from or get criticism from and talk about it with. I want people to learn with.
I do but ive hit a point where my progress is super slow. I need a teacher now. I just feel frustrated when im drawing. Im terrible at self teaching, im surprised ive gotten this far. My anatomy has gotten to the point where the untrained eye cant see any issues or would assume im making style choices, but thats only in my decent to good drawings. I want the be able to make perfect human beings, plants animals and machines on the spot every time.
I cant even begin to comprehend how much time im going to have to spend learning colors. Or crosshatching, I know my drawings would look great with crosshatched shading but I cant fuarrrking do it. I get so pissed seeing failure after failure come out of my hands. I need live feedback.
>>11314
I havent quite read this yet but will do. From a brief skim its about how math is taught in a very soykafty uncreative way? And talking about how if art was taught in such a way its magic would be completely lost? I know, in fact I can appreciate higher level math or at least my idea of it, being somebody just trudging through calculus at the moment. I would love to have a great intuitive feel for math, and again its one of those insecurities and gaps that frustrates me. At the moment im actually in a math class ive already taken, I took it because I thought maybe id understand it better after a second time and be able to fill in gaps im missing. But im very very bored with it, and I wasnt missing as much as I thought. Its a 2 hour long class, it is like kicking dead whales down the beach the life out of me.
Im at the point where my interest in art has carried me far enough to where I would really benefit from some structured class. And more than anything I want to meet people who like to make art, and I want to see what other people are making. I have 0 friends who actually are interested in art the way I am. I have no one to look up to or learn from or get criticism from and talk about it with. I want people to learn with.
i realize that i wasn't specific as to exactly why I wanted to get coffee with her but when a dude asks for you to coffee and then asks for your number what else can that be interpreted as?
like ???????????????
maybe she didn't want to say no right then and there but??
now i just feel like a fuarrrking tool for coming on to her like that
what is wrong with me ;;;;;;;
like ???????????????
maybe she didn't want to say no right then and there but??
now i just feel like a fuarrrking tool for coming on to her like that
what is wrong with me ;;;;;;;
>>11317
>I would love to have a great intuitive feel for math
funnily enough, that's one of the best lines in that book
"Many a graduate student has come
to grief when they discover, after a decade of being told they were “good at math,” that in fact
they have no real mathematical talent and are just very good at following directions."
I know for a fact that this applies to me too
>I would love to have a great intuitive feel for math
funnily enough, that's one of the best lines in that book
"Many a graduate student has come
to grief when they discover, after a decade of being told they were “good at math,” that in fact
they have no real mathematical talent and are just very good at following directions."
I know for a fact that this applies to me too
>>11327
Am I a bad person if that almost makes me happy? I was relentlessely put down by my peers who were good at math in pre college schooling. Id try to get help and tell them it wasnt making any sense to me and they basically would tell me how could it not you just follow the fuarrrking steps. I was very convinced I was an idiot.
Its actually how I got into drawing. Instead of doing the classwork id just sit there and draw all over my notes and homework like a spastic and I actually got recognition for that, it was the one thing that made me feel good about myself and also something none of my friends could do.
Ive read a bit more of it. It makes me kind of sad knowing what could be, I shared it with some people too, i'd love my current math teacher to read it but im not one for showing up teachers.
Am I a bad person if that almost makes me happy? I was relentlessely put down by my peers who were good at math in pre college schooling. Id try to get help and tell them it wasnt making any sense to me and they basically would tell me how could it not you just follow the fuarrrking steps. I was very convinced I was an idiot.
Its actually how I got into drawing. Instead of doing the classwork id just sit there and draw all over my notes and homework like a spastic and I actually got recognition for that, it was the one thing that made me feel good about myself and also something none of my friends could do.
Ive read a bit more of it. It makes me kind of sad knowing what could be, I shared it with some people too, i'd love my current math teacher to read it but im not one for showing up teachers.
>>11317
There is an interesting difference between "Calculus" and "Analysis", both seem to study the same stuff, only Analysis seems broader in scope.
It seems like Calculus is mostly concerned with the mere computation of derivatives, integrals, and differential equations, whereas Analysis is concerned with the actual math behind this computation.
Schools since the very beginning seem to be aimed to teach the students to be human calculators, always placing all the emphasis on computation, with zero regards for understanding. Calculus may be great for Physics and Engineering students, but for a mathematician it is the lowest most boring thing on earth.
Anyway, if you want to learn analysis per se, you can read Baby Rudin or Spivak's Calculus. Analysis is concerned with the structure of Real Numbers, and there is also Complex Analysis. Building up from Analysis is Topology, I'm sure you've heard of this one before.
There are other branches, however. Again, calculus is stressed because it's the most useful for Physics and Engineering, which are probably the most glorified disciplines out there. There are branches that don't require calc as background knowledge and can be very fun as well: Number Theory, Type Theory (especially good for CS guys), Cateory Theory (this is structural mathematics); Also Linear and Abstract Algebra, which build up on , well, Algebra. Graph Theory, Games Theory. Proof Theory. Lambda calculus (very popular here in lainchan).
I think one of the best introductory books to real mathematics is Polya's How to Solve It.
There are rarely any math books that focus on the discovery part of mathematics (which it is really all about) and instead just focus on giving the facts (don't get me wrong, at some point you learn to love the old math book format with just Definitions, Propositions, Theorems, Proofs)
There is an interesting difference between "Calculus" and "Analysis", both seem to study the same stuff, only Analysis seems broader in scope.
It seems like Calculus is mostly concerned with the mere computation of derivatives, integrals, and differential equations, whereas Analysis is concerned with the actual math behind this computation.
Schools since the very beginning seem to be aimed to teach the students to be human calculators, always placing all the emphasis on computation, with zero regards for understanding. Calculus may be great for Physics and Engineering students, but for a mathematician it is the lowest most boring thing on earth.
Anyway, if you want to learn analysis per se, you can read Baby Rudin or Spivak's Calculus. Analysis is concerned with the structure of Real Numbers, and there is also Complex Analysis. Building up from Analysis is Topology, I'm sure you've heard of this one before.
There are other branches, however. Again, calculus is stressed because it's the most useful for Physics and Engineering, which are probably the most glorified disciplines out there. There are branches that don't require calc as background knowledge and can be very fun as well: Number Theory, Type Theory (especially good for CS guys), Cateory Theory (this is structural mathematics); Also Linear and Abstract Algebra, which build up on , well, Algebra. Graph Theory, Games Theory. Proof Theory. Lambda calculus (very popular here in lainchan).
I think one of the best introductory books to real mathematics is Polya's How to Solve It.
There are rarely any math books that focus on the discovery part of mathematics (which it is really all about) and instead just focus on giving the facts (don't get me wrong, at some point you learn to love the old math book format with just Definitions, Propositions, Theorems, Proofs)