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lainchan archive - /feels/ - 10573

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Anon, tell me about an important moment in your past.


My dad died when I was 5. He wasnt exactly a good person, and he and my mom werent married but hed come by on weekends when he wasnt working and hed leave my mom some money and he usually had a gift for me. Now I never felt his death affected me much, and I never ever used it as an excuse for anything. But as young as 8 I had a horrible fear of the world ending and dying. First dying and then the idea that the world would eventually die after my death. I wouldnt eat because I thought someone poisoned my food, even my family sometimes.

As I grow into adulthood I realize the effects of my fatherless upbringing are more pronounced. And jammit im still not gonna use it as an excuse, but I look around and see these dysfunctional ass adults and I think man I know where my dysfunction lies but what about you. Whys happy suburban family violent when he gets drunk, whys little beauty queen spitting poison behind peoples backs all the time, whys tech startup boy genius hooked on stimulants. Isnt it funny that the one person I looked up to grew up without a dad too. is like kicking dead whales down the beach people like us just dont get along, even if we were spoiled we learned to be emotionally independent. Dont need or trust anybody else and when we lean on eachother we get hurt. We kill eachother and drag eachother down, emotional leeches and vampires. Fight until we have to go seperste ways, and all we can do is look at eachother and give that understanding, solemn stare. Another human being struggling, as much as we hate eachother that stare sends the message mind to mind to keep fighting.

id like another motherfucker to come up to me and tell me he understands me, heres some advice, i know exactly what you mean. You dont know soykaf.


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The first moment I knew that I loved lain.


This actually.

I watched Lain for the first time in middle school, i was in the eight grade. It was kind of a ground breaking experience for me. suddenly I was aware that there was art that could challenge me this much.

I started looking for more art on this level. I might have just been some lonely neck beard but now i'm a different kind of pretentious.

anyways i really do think lain had an affect on my life choices.


I don't understand you, I don't have any advice for anyone, I don't know what you mean but I can stand by you in the wired, irl wherever and however we meet. As long as you want to stand by me, I'll be there, fighting by your side


My friend was hit by a car once. She lived but what I saw first was her motionless body lying on the pavement with her eyes wide open, dead. There was no thank-god-you're-ok moment like in the movies because she wasn't. Next she was screaming, the driver was screaming, her boyfriend freaking out, red lights everywhere and all our friends asking me what happened. I don't know exactly because I wasn't looking, I only heard the impact.

Do you know what a human body hitting the front of a car sounds like? You don't forget it.

This was already the most stressful week of my entire life and THEN this happened. I didn't get to visit the hospital or get the sleep I desperately needed because there were some urgent matters to attend to so I let the others go see her. When someone dies there's a funeral and you get drunk together that night and there's closure. When someone is hurt and you see them mend, you get relief. I got neither. Though I know she's alive today, on some subconscious, dinosaur-brain level, I watched a friend die and was not allowed to grieve.

I had nightmares about it. I can't walk close to busy streets without tensing up. If a car comes close to hitting me I'll be in an agitated state for 2-3 days. My hands are shaking even typing this.


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few years ago i woke up midair, falling headfirst. it felt like being suspended or in slow motion. the only thought i had was that i didn't wanna die so i tried my best to change my position. i blasted on the concrete and thought i lost consciousness.

turns out i got really drunk at the party and fell/jumped out of second floor balcony. landed on my knees and hands, broke my radial bone but it healed in like three weeks. i still don't know the circumstances since there wasn't anyone around at the time.

it was the first time i was at real risk of death, though it doesn't feel very profound to me. i don't really drink since that time though, also thinking about commemorative tattoo to congratulate myself for not blasting my brain


appreciate it amigo. im just damn sick of the people around me is all. cept you guys and some friends back home I still have.


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I have a friend who talks big about all the cool ideas that he had but never actually acts on them. When I was procrastinating a mutual friend told me that I was acting like him. It hurt but he was right and it really kicked my butt in gear.


My quest for confidence. Just a bunch of important stuff that has lead to my new almost confidence

>Get good friends

>Open up a little bit
>Finally find a passion, music!
>Music becomes something I can occupy all my thoughts with, makes me a lot happier, finally start exploring things a little more.
>Open up a lot
>Get job
>tell them more than I've admitted to my self
>We're all weird, it's cool
>First girl friend :)
>No more friends :(
>Start reading literature
>Start studying intro level philosophy and theism
>Find more friends :)
>Just today I started a five minute conversation with a coworker for the first time

I'm here, lains. I started a conversation with some one I don't know with out freaking out, or sperging all over.


That's the hardest part, is actually doing something. But I'm glad your getting yourself in gear. Once you do it makes all the difference.


Am I that friends? :O
I should kill my self


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About six years ago i got myself a best friend and now he is my only friend.


You treasure that god damn friend, lain.


For sure i do. Big problem is that he lives pretty far away in another city. Still we see each other few times in a year and talk a lot in the web.


I was 10. My mom was dying of brain cancer. My most vivid memory is her in the hospital bed. The floor smelled of death. My relatives were all there; They didnt know what to say to me.

It was the last time I would see my mom. I was in the room with my brother, my mom, and the Machines. At the time I thought she was still alive but I now know that the Machines were keeping her alive. I felt her hands; veiny, creamy white. She felt full of life to me. at 10 years old. She was 36.

Inside of me there was an epic silence. I had to say something, do something, be something, so my brother knew what to do. I sat on the bed next to her. She was unconscious. I squeezed her hand. I will never forget how thick her veins were. The tubes and IV's ran from her forearm. She was struggling to survive. She had been fighting cancer for a year. The Doctors had decided to pull the plug. No reason to cause her more pain.

For years after this I hated everyone. Why did they have to pull the plug. Why could we not just let her live. Why did you take my mom from me. You know I hate my dad.

That day, that late February day, it was cold outside, a Michigan winter. That was the day that I began to feel the urgency of life. Life is short.

This moment at ten years old, with my brother watching, and my nearly dead mother next to me, permanently scarred me.

It broke me. I became a cutter, mental hospital mainstay, emo af. I was angry at the world for taking my mom. I was angry at my dad for not being there for me.

This moment at 10 years old started a series of chain reactions that resulted in my questioning of my own purpose in life. 11 years later I can say that this single frame, this moment, broke me and made me more than any other event in my life.


In the third grade, I made a new friend (one of two close friends I've had so far in life). We became close after discovering our mutual interest in video games, and the 5-6 year period where I hung out with him contains the only memories I sincerely care about.

He was the loud, athletic type, while I was the quiet type who likes to read. Because of this, our relationship never had a solid foundation, and I can't blame him for no longer calling me up to go out to the movies, or to the park with his family. The last hang-outs we had ended up in vague talks about life and stuff while we half-played basketball. The energy was gone.

It was such a change, having friends. Not only that, but having people who cared about you. My parents told me that all the time, but they let me get fat and let me fail school constantly until I was old enough to figure it out myself (I forgave them). My friend's parents, though, felt alive. If you talked to them about some subject, they could go back-and-forth and spin circles around you with their knowledge. They never had much money but always managed to take us out somewhere fun when possible. Even my friend's sisters were super nice to me and I actually felt like I belonged. I said I wanted to become an author, and their father said he'd read my book.

That was a long time ago, and I've changed a lot since. Maybe the same level of companionship wouldn't feel good to me now, who knows? I would like to experience love some time, though, before it's too late. If my experience so far comes close, it's really pleasant.


Oh boy, here goes: starting to watch MLP. It put me in a low, low position of symbolic autism.
I must now work hard to find and clearly point out some objectively great values in it. My other option is to walk way of denial (call it fiction, kids' show, loser-stuff, bullsoykaf), and drown in the idea that I'm not intelligent enough to completely see through a for-profit show made for kids.

It's what they do all the time, dismissing the religious, the political, the apolitical, the philosopher, the unmarried, the paid-for, the unpaid, the dead, the living, the lucky or the unlucky, anyone. People dismiss stuff when they run out of something, usually themselves; but I want to learn everything there is. Dismissing is not an option.


When I started working in lucrative jobs.

I use to work for a security agency that would accept young talent that are capable of different unusual skillsets.

I sometimes made $300-$600 dollars per week, it was a good life. But that stopped when I almost reached the tax limit in my country. I also stopped because my boss was the greatest asshole on the planet. One of those people who believed all young kids are lazy or that they believe they're entitled.

He liked to think of himself as a drill sergeant, but really he came off as another demanding asshole.

I quit, and I thought I'd never do a lucrative business like that again for the sake of not getting involved in illegal soykaf sometimes.

But then recently I made a contact in another state and I'm back in it. It's small stuff right now, background checks mostly. $100-$200 a week.

But right now is an important moment because I'm deciding if this is what I want to do with my life or if I'm making a bad decision. All i know is that this is something that makes me feel good and that I'm good at it.

So yeah, this is the most important moment of my life and it's only started.


What the hell thats crazy? If your story was flipped id thought you were talking about me.

In 3rd grade exactly the same as you, I made one of two close friends i've had in life. He was very athletic and loud and I was fairly quiet. In middle school he got super into dating and girls and what not, we grew apart because I couldn't care less at the time and he thought I was an embarrassment. Later in highschool he started to want to hang out again but I was a bit untrusting at that point of course.

My mom because my dad was dead was the same. I got slightly chubby though nowhere near fat, but the big issue was I just sat on my computer all day. She cared of course, but I know what you mean about friends parents. compared to yours. The vague talks now also seem familiar.

I made a friend as close recently. She too was loud and athletic. And again we ended up drifting apart. No solid foundation as you said. We liked to kick it and mess around but when we got in a rough patch we just kind of split. Nothing to hold us together through the bad times, and this time there wasnt enough history to keep us stuck together forever. 3 months together one month seperate and that was all it took.

I think the thing to take away maybe is the respect? You got to know this person who you got along with and could do so much with, you got to know them so deeply. Sure you can't talk the same or act the same, but there's that quiet bond. Sometimes I think what happens is you get to know someone so well they fail to surprise you anymore, so of course things aren't as exciting or fun. But you also know them so well you almost don't need to talk or have them around all the time, thats how strong the bond is.


When I was fifteen I overdosed on acetaminophen and had to go to a child's care ICU. I was there for two weeks. I stopped puking blood after the first couple days and felt fine afterwords. Those twelve days afterwords were the greatest shame in my life, as I was taking a bedspace that should have been used for someone that needed the care. There was nothing to do in that time but take in the strange environment I was restricted to, being surrounded by broken and dying children and greaving parents.

In the bed next to mine was a child who got run over whose dad would come in every day to see them. I was there when kid was brought in, so I knew the kid was brain dead before he was place in ICU as one of the nurses had mentioned. He probably knew this, but he kept trying to talk to the child, pleading and crying for them to come back. After five days of this he didn't come back, with the kid being taken out of the ICU on the eighth day.

Not wanting to be wasting space there is why I will never try to kill myself again, even if I am just a waste of space elsewhere aswell.

Congratulations. I wish to be able to do that too someday without using work related topics as a crutch. Do you have the any issues making friends or conversation online? When making friends, do you find that you like them from the get-go or warm up to them? Likewise, do you think they warmed up to you?


I know it was a good experience for you, but try to take a step back and look at things too. Maybe you were as sick as those dying children.

"If its all in your head, thats still very terrible"


Sitting in a bathtub with a pocketknife, trying to kill myself. Through the walls I hear my parents arguing. Distinctly remember the phrase "can't afford to pay rent." From the other room I hear sisters arguing or crying, I'm not sure which. Knife too dull to break skin. I fall asleep. Don't cry. Winter break. Later. In bed now. 1 am. I look at the ceiling thinking absolutely nothing. Wake up next morning. Christmas.


I don't usually have trouble with it, I've turned to people online for comfort for a very long time now, and this time around I've gotten much closer to the people I've met recently.

I feel when talking to people in person, there is this very fake thing about me when I am talking to them until I know them for a decent amount of time time. And even then. I usually am very weird, and just dumb, and I guess this is like a weird way of trying to handle talking to people, it's hard to be genuine. I suppose we all do that, but I hate being ingenuine, I really do.

While talking to some one online this is not as present, I am incredibly open these days, and can just spill soykaf out like mad, all my thoughts and feelings, and in this way it's so much more genuine, especially if I can find some people who are some what likeminded, or I at least understand their mind set. There are some that actually kind of intimidate me, because I just feel they are superior people, not because they act like it, but they just seem to have so much confidence and really know what they are talking about. This is getting off on a tangent a bit.

As for me warming up to other people, this often is a factor, but only with some people. With people who's ideaology I've always looked down on I do take a while, not because I look down on them for it, but rather because I need time for them to help me understand their way of thinking, but most the people I've met seem to reflect really well and actually have thought put into their understandings, so I warm up fast.

Also this sort of ingenuine way of acting I talked about earlier is often very present in some others I meet. Often what they say reveals something completely different than they meant to. It can be hard meeting some people because this facade is very present online still, but over time those people become more genuine, like in real life, when you become friends

As an example, there is this tumblr person in a group chat of some buddies, she was super edgy, likes edgy music, is a satanist, frequents wattpad, doesn't even know what an imageboard is. I hated her at first, actually. But as time went on I did warm up to her, and I no longer hate her, because what she says lacks this edgy facade, mostly, it's become a little more genuine.

As for people warming up to me, I can't tell. Like I said on the internet I am more genuine, but for some that may be reason it takes time to warm up to me? I mean I'm not "brutally honest", I won't just tell them that things are all stupid for the sake of being "real", but rather it's to easy for me to just start spilling soykaf, and talking about a lot of very personal feelings and struggles right from the get-go. On top of that, I am very insecure, I constantly feel every one hates me. More recently I've noticed this feeling, but being aware that it is an insecurity and that it's not an accurate representaion of how I should be feeling doesn't mean I don't still feel that way. So who knows.


The first time I got drunk in college.

I somehow bumped into this one girl I liked. We were both drunk, we flirted.

I asked her out to a dance and she just sort of left me to wait alone. I tried messaging her later and we sort of had a friendship thing going on, but ow we don't even talk aside from the casual "hey!" when we bump into each other.

I had to find out the hard way that if something's too good to be true, it probably is.


The moment I let a friend abuse me mentally and destroy my self esteem completely.


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In the past. I was just a boy with the luxury to be in the best private schools and have anything in any given moment if a wanted because our economic status was the best by that time because of our family business of truck transportation.

I was a complete spoiled brat by that time I didn't care about anything and no one, just myself, when I was 9 years old our truck business went bankrupt do to really bad management from past years.

my USA visa was removed because we moved illegaly to the united states for the purpose of running away from debts in my home city me and my parents started completely from 0 when we were. I was enraged but there was nothing I can do about it with the passing years trying to get everything like before it was impossible so then we settle down and try to live a calm life running from debts.

by the time I enter to high school my mindset completely changed appreciating more the small things that my parents were able to get for me even if it was only clothes haha I remember when I got my first xbox 360 when I was 16 years old I simply could not believe by that time.

now I am studying IT in university thanks to my father before his death last year. And if the time comes maybe start my own business myself and start over. Now every time I see spoiled little brats with there iphones and fancy clothes I only laugh silently and always think. You better enjoy your status, because probably you won't have it forever.

Enjoy what you have Lainons, and work hard. You will probably will have to start over a lot of times but have the strength to get up and keep moving and learning.


That sounds like a very large story. I think I do understand thought, in my experiences let a friend destroy my self esteem is someone who just overshadows you just to feel more important, I completely hate that. I hope you already got out of that mess and find yourself over again to rebuild that self esteem.
Best of luck you will always have someone to talk with around here. ♥


I had a girlfriend. My first and only until today. She was a lovely, lovely girl. Smart, she worked hard on her studies and had big dreams. We started dating on high school and we entered college together. Back then I was a complete different person than I am today. I was really angry. I beat her every other day. I abused her in every way. I forbid her of many things. She failed many subjects because of me. I was a total piece of soykaf for four years until we broke up. I started taking meds, meditating etc. One day I was thinking about the past and it struck me I was a really bad person. I almost destroyed someone's life for no reason at all. Someone who gave me her heart. Since then there isn't a single day that I don't cry till I fall asleep, regretting every thing I've done to her. I scarred her for life. I wish every time that I could turn back time and treat her right, support her on her dreams, be a good partner to her, though I know that it's just plain impossible. I wish I could make up with her. I know I can't change the past, but I would make sure to create many good memories with her. And I know that is also impossible since she is scared of me even after two years of our breaking up.


Well, I had about 3 or 4 important moments in my life.
One was the death of a friend.
Another one was a critical surgery that I had to go thorugh.
The third was when I realised that my dad was an alcoholic.
The fourth was when I got into a fistfight with my dad.
The last one was when I got hit by a car.


Finding a teacher

Finding a teacher


anon...that sounds terrible,i'd feel to guilty to go on,maybe tell her how much you regret that


it might be better if you weren't in her life anymore, you can't take what you did back, 4 years of abuse means she will likely always be scared of you... maybe it'd be kinder to just go


the last time i looked in the eyes of the only girl i've ever loved


>tfw i have a picture of the only girl i ever loved from the last time we shared a bed.

I ended up deleting it cause I thought it was creepy but i wish I didnt kind of. I took it because I told her when she woke up there was something I need to tell her, and i knew it was the last time wed share a bed. Though we were really close and even a bit intimate I knew she wouldnt ever take the relationship further with me and I fell in love with her and felt guilty not telling her i loved her but also knew she didnt want to hear it.


why were you sharing a bed?

btw, i have a "video" on my mind, every time i think about her this same scene keeps repeating
we were very close friends, but one day she suddenly decided to stop talking to me...
then, some months after, we passed by each other and i looked her in the eye, tried smiled and said "good morning!", she didn't replied anything, she just smiled and then we never talked to each other again
this was 7 year ago, i have no excuses to talk to her after so much time... i'm not obsessed on her or anything, but i really with i could tell her how much i loved her and still love, i feel i have to do that so part of me can finally rest in peace
but its not only the time that separates us, now we're 1500km apart


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I first watched Lain in high school I was studying technician in software development (it was only learning the basics in Java eclipse to continue in university) after I finished watching it I was deeply confused of what the series was about but that hook deeper on understanding what the story is about so every time I re watched the series I could notice a lot of connections understanding the abstraction in the scenery and dialogs

>I live in all people who knows my existence

Lain Iwakura I totally loved her not in the type of a waifu (She is like 14 years old goddamn pedophiles) but in the sense of sort of a teacher someone that I would really like to talk in person with that type philosophy you are always connected no matter where you go, and it really changed me since then

>funny note: when I am struggling in coding either at school or in home I always play the SEL soundtrack or even play a random episode in blu ray, and remember some of Lain quotes it really helps to organize my ideas.


I don't even know if it's that big of a story. But I feel like im not even remotely capable of loving myself. I just can't handle my imperfections and that constant climate of being useless and not enough just amplified that feeling.
I can't ever get stuff right. Im always behind and not the person needed.
This friend literally played with me. Gave love, took love and repeated those steps to make me thirst for every bit of love.
This whole story with that guy is pretty complicated... I'm still in contact with him atm. It's different but still.. The chains that bind me to it still exist.


we used to study late and nap together but with a few friends and seperately. We got closer and she liked to climb on top of me and stuff and wed wrestle around a lot and we ended up sharing a bed but sleeping at opposite ends. We always found an excuse to keep doing it, and eventually it did become more than just two friends napping largely on her part, we never had sex though I think she gave lots of oppurtunities to I just didnt want to ruin the friendship. Im pretty innocent and she wasnt so it might of been nothing for her to do that with a friend but it was to me, i didnt want things to be awkward.

Its the same thing with me with the not talking out of the blue. We went back to normal friends but nothing more save for a few times and seemed to be happy with eachother and were talking a lot about how we were gonna see eachother over break and we were really just relaxed. Then after and during break nothing, even though we see eachother every day. She smiled at me a few times but I just cant force out even a hello. When shes in my space for awhile I start to shake and I know it shouldnt bother me but I just get so scared for some reason.

its okay though. I learned a lot of lessons. I would have been even more dysfunctional if we stayed together. She was very much a crutch for me. Im not as happy, im not as social, but im a little more functional and driven. Emotions are very important, I would like to find love again, but you also need to control yourself. I dont really want to make friends atm. Maybe its wishful thinking but its funny cause we are doing the same thing. We both have kind of shut ourselves in our room and just work on our schoolwork. I like to pretend maybe we just thoroughly explored eachother and now we have some kind of bond of respect where we dont talk but are happy for eachother. I dont think thats the case though. Again I dont think she thinks of me if she isnt forced to.