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lainchan archive - /feels/ - 10617



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No.10617

I am fuarrrking sick of my life. I've been chained to some inane bullsoykaf for my entire life.

School, family, religion, politics, at least three of these at a time. Finishing school I realized it was all inane vague bullsoykaf except for the sciences, even history was contextual. I left school not being much smarter than I came in, which should surprise no one here.

Family, I always had to be respectable and polite and courteous and keep up the good name and whatnot. My parents are the best parents anyone could ask for but it's all a fuarrrking charade for me because I am so unlike them in behavior and personality, taste, everything. I can't be who I really am because that would make my family (read: other people) look bad.

Religion, oh boy, how I LARP in this respect. Despite the moralistic values I spout I am a chronic cynic and prayer (when I do get down to prayer, which is extremely rare) I am a chronic cynic, and probably the only reason I'm not a full-blown atheist is that I want insurance or plausible deniability from hellfire and social ostracism. Being raised in a very religious family didn't help me much, I was religiously truant since a kid and as I grew up I became outright cynical about things, every day a clergyman and devil battle in my mind and I never know who will win in the end.

Politics, the least of my problems and the one that I discarded the earliest, and I'm glad for that. Not much to say since this problem no longer exists.

You can't be this you can't do that not this not that I can do fuarrrking nothing. The thing is I don't even know what I want to be. The only thing I definitely want is money since that will at least give me a tangible ''freedom'' not concerning any of the other things I mention.

  No.10618

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>>10617

The fighting in my head, the constant me vs myself is wearing me out faster than any conceivable enemy could.

A part of me says that the 3 things (School, family, religion) are what keep me respectable,safe and virtuous. That without these three things I would be unemployed if I were to discontinue my education, that without family I am rootless and belong nowhere and belong to no one, and that without religion I will plunge deeper into the abyss which I am staring at, and that I will lose control of myself.

Another part of me says that I am my own person, that I should not be bound permanently to anything whatsoever in my life, that my suffering and mental anguish results in being bound in the ways which those three things bind me. Do these chains prevent me from falling off a cliff? Or are they simply shackling me to the hard rockface?

The part of me that I am sure about though is Fear. Fear that if I choose one or the other I'd lose. That I would shatter, that I wouldn't be stong enough or righteous enough or brave enough or whatever. I'd either break from brittleness or rust from decadence. So I don't choose, so I keep the questions away. so I let the clergyman and the demon battle every day in my head. I make sure they will always end with a stalemate. So I lie to myself and to others, and live in uncertainty of what I want or what I need. One day I will break and it will not be pleasant, but I know I will break one day and one side will prevail.

Until then, I wait and dream and take comfort in the lonely nights.

  No.10620

You've got to stop focusing so much on internal conflict and look outward at your life a bit more. And yes, that's simplification. But it sounds like you have things to live for. You have things to care about.

So instead of weighing the existential horrors of everything, why not just focus on living it? Joy is a more simple thing than guilt and pain. Things you seem to have a bit of. Look out more, and appreciate your life a bit. Its not easy but you can start practicing at least tomorrow.