The fighting in my head, the constant me vs myself is wearing me out faster than any conceivable enemy could.
A part of me says that the 3 things (School, family, religion) are what keep me respectable,safe and virtuous. That without these three things I would be unemployed if I were to discontinue my education, that without family I am rootless and belong nowhere and belong to no one, and that without religion I will plunge deeper into the abyss which I am staring at, and that I will lose control of myself.
Another part of me says that I am my own person, that I should not be bound permanently to anything whatsoever in my life, that my suffering and mental anguish results in being bound in the ways which those three things bind me. Do these chains prevent me from falling off a cliff? Or are they simply shackling me to the hard rockface?
The part of me that I am sure about though is Fear. Fear that if I choose one or the other I'd lose. That I would shatter, that I wouldn't be stong enough or righteous enough or brave enough or whatever. I'd either break from brittleness or rust from decadence. So I don't choose, so I keep the questions away. so I let the clergyman and the demon battle every day in my head. I make sure they will always end with a stalemate. So I lie to myself and to others, and live in uncertainty of what I want or what I need. One day I will break and it will not be pleasant, but I know I will break one day and one side will prevail.
Until then, I wait and dream and take comfort in the lonely nights.