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lainchan archive - /feels/ - 8716

File: 1482362212930.png (1.34 MB, 300x188, image.png)


Post greentext stories, whether they are happy or sad, awkward or cool. Whatever you want.


>be me
>in dream
>have weird feeling about my dick
>have 2 dicks
>go into panic attack about this
>mom walks in dream room
>wake up


>hanging out with gf+her friends at park while 15
>wasn't into her (or girls at all) but was a hormonal dumbass
>she (probably jokingly) suggests I ask a child playing catch w his dad if he's some famous artist or some soykaf that seemed funny at the time
>I actually do it, the absolute madman
>dad gets pissed, obviously, scolds me
>my face is bright red, I immediately regret it, apologize profusely etc
>cringe thinking about it to this day
>turned into a shut in when I turn 16

I feel like I'm still terrible at understanding social cues, but this was a definitely low for me. I can't imagine how scary it must've been for the dad, who knows what a random teen would do to a child. I looked old for my age too.


remembered this one recently

>be me

>15 years old
>kissless, handholdles, virgin of course
>decide I should try to do something to get a girl
>Go to a plaza with lots of people
>as I walk I see a girl my age walking very near me
>approach her and say hello
>she says hello nervously
>walks away from me as fast as she can

that was my first attempt at talking to a girl


I'm really happy to meet someone who has had a two dick dream, I thought I was the only one.

>in dream

>think, "huh this is pretty good but how can I make it better"
>notice I have a second dick
>Oh my god...
>Masturbate both, feels amazing


Not the worst, but the most awkward I think.

>me in 10th grade (age 15-16 for non-Americans)

>make a few acquaintances in Spanish class but I'm not really good friends with them
>poor social skills (hasn't changed)
>decide to walk to the library one day during a weekend in the morning when it opens
>get there and spot the group from my class out of the corner of my eye
>we aren't very good friends so I pretend not to notice them and instead hope they just come up to me
>go into the library, read, see them a few more times, but nothing ever happens
>at class the following Monday: "hey anon, we saw you at the library. Why didn't you say hello?"


>be me
>maybe 15, in history class
>doing a group project
>out of the blue, this girl I barely know and don't like very much says "you have pretty eyes" at me
>I really have no idea how to react
>I flounder for a bit
>my womanizer friend(who is in the same group) notices my hesitation
>he wisely swoops in to take credit for the comment
>they flirt for the rest of the period
>in the end nothing comes of it and everyone pretends it never happened


>be me
>be wasted
>hate life and not want to do anything with it
>have no access to any firearms because not in US
>not want to kill self in any other manner because of reasons
>go to university just so could get a steady job and the ability to get a firearm and finish everything off
>spend my evenings learning cool things so can find satisfaction in self
>talk to people trying to find someone to connect to after had my heart broken
>nothing works, and I always keep despising myself
>still have to wait for almost two years until this ends


>be me
>on lainchan in my room
>see greentext thred
>oh great I love those
>read other people's greentexts
>haha these are pretty good, I've got some good stories too I should contriboot
>finish reading the last post and scroll up to the reply box
>I immediately forget everything interesting that has ever happened to me
>I am a shell of a man with no past, and nothing interesting to say
>decide the est course of action is to attempt some sort of meta humour
>realize while typing that I'm not funny and never will be
>decide to end post with some self deprecation so that I don't seem too pretentious


But you do seem pretentious.


File: 1482577236018.png (308.95 KB, 200x157, stock-photo-angry-man-yelling-at-his-computer-211420975.jpg)

>be me
>have physical injury, be ubersick otherwise
>be burdened by school, work, family, and health
>be kissless virgin out of consequence
>go to physical therapy weekly
>one day teacher gets a student that sits in for a few months
>talk to her casually at first
>fall in love with her after a month
>can't talk casually anymore, can't look her way without grinning
>can't even fap to her
>get conflicted between knowing her better and solving problems
>decide to go with problems
>try to hide attraction to her
>can't hide it
>decide to take the jump and ask her out
>get shot down
>hope that this kills the attraction
>it doesn't
>fall apart
>she starts acting strange
>think that she suspects that i want to use her for her skills
>decide to tell her what's on my mind
>write feelings down for the next time i see her
>expect to never see her again afterwards

>go to next appointment

>she's already finished and left without a trace
>remember that i never got her last name
>feel deep regret until the year ends



>be me

>be 19
>be KHHV
>find 4chan
>browse 4chan
>find wizchan
>browse wizchan
>find lainchan
>browse lainchan
>find this thread



>find wizardchan

>oh god, finally some people in my situation who share my grief
>Everyone there thinks that every single person who's not a carbon copy of them is a normal person
>4chan is referred to as 4chad implying everyone on there is a normal well adjusted individual who gets laid on a daily basis
>I get derezzed for mentioning my friendship with a human being one time
>get derezzed for a week another time for showing any interest in fuarrrking a girl

fuarrrk that hugbox.


>get derezzed for a week another time for showing any interest in fuarrrking a girl
Lurk more.


This greentext happens every so many months.

>Be me

>Early in the morning
>In the middle of my wake up fap session
>Sometimes I have some hentai manga on a tablet in one and my dick in the other
>feeling really good, years have trained me to be a ninja fapping pro
>Lately I've been getting more vocal though, sometimes I moan or squeak or even growl while fapping
>Things start to get really intense, like I'm about to blow in a few seconds
>Family member calls for me. ANOOOOOON!!
>Not like that, they know I mean that I'm getting up and soykaf
>Sometimes I orgasm before I open my mouth and I have to hold everything back so I don't audibly moan like a little bitch

Man, hope you guys kek'd.


File: 1482626971753.png (48.75 KB, 146x200, GJWNTz0.jpg)


I did, and I know why. But the reason is bullsoykaf. These people have absolutely no sense of self awareness.


You went to their board and either disregarded their rules, or expected them to make exceptions for you. Lurk more, or you are the cancer.


File: 1482629753625.png (7.86 KB, 200x100, Oekaki.png)

>be me
>see this post
>mfw I realized what happened in the picture

Poor babby


File: 1482630844057.png (739.46 KB, 200x109, ().gif)

>"self" awareness
>on an imageboard
I don't know what you were expecting, Lain...


Eh, Wizchan being wizchan? Can't say I'm surprised that they get mad over a normal thunderchad like you. I bet you have women who like don't hate you or something you chad. carrot nosed smiley.jpg

Why don't you call your girlfriend on your Samsung Galaxy Edge phone on Facebook and talk about your entry level anime and how you are such nerdzzzzz!! because you just discovered Toonami today, you turbo normchad.

All jokes aside, Lain, fuarrrk them. Being surrounded by such bitter loners will only hurt you in the long run anyways.


File: 1482632477927.png (50.65 KB, 200x141, Osakahug.jpg)

>lurking in niche imageboard in dying area.
>someone posts in a nostalgia thread about 'a game starring Osaka from Azumanga daioh', wishing he could have it now.
>mildly interested, I click the link to find screencaps from the Osaka Screensaver... which I still have on archive.
>jolted to full wakefulness, I upload the archive which I hadn't touched since 2006.
>Warm, fuzzy feeling intensifies.
>"Merry christmas, anon..."
Maybe... maybe I'll cling on to life, just one more year is fine, right...?


Happened last night.

>be into crossdressing

>decide to buy sexy panties for my present since I got paid at work
>walk into Victoria's Secret and talk to pretty attendant there with lovely lipstick and black dress
>look at a pair I want to buy
>she helps me find a pair in my size
>she tells me its cheaper to buy 3 pairs
>I pick out a 2nd pair
>she asks if she can pick out the 3rd pair and color for me
>she asks me what color my gf's hair is
>scared and think of making up a gf story
>fuarrrk it
>I'm honest and tell her they're for me
>she looks at me and smiles
>she picks out a dark green pair that she loves
>buy them and thank her
>go home happy and try them kn


Didn't she already know if she initially picked them out in your size?


I wrote that wrong. I already knew what my size was, told her what size and I wanted and she found the pair that was in that size.


Was this board /late/ by any chance? Because if so, thanks for that bro.


File: 1482685331070.png (132.77 KB, 144x200, Adolf W├Âlfli - Irren-Anstalt Band-Hain (1910).jpg)

>Be young and dumb in college
>Need to run errands on a day off off work and school
>decide to microdose on LSD for some reason to make it tolerable
>Ask my friend how much to take
>"50mL of the solution" -- he already had a dropper in the fridge of LSD dissolved in water
>Take five 1mL droppers before realizing he was probably completely wrong with the amount.
>Trip into the spirit dimension. Like I could hardly stand when it hit.
>Have some crazy religious moments and cry while playing the guitar for an hour
>Friend comes home, says I took way too much
>Need to run errands which include getting new contacts, I only have my backup pair
>Get to a walmart. They're busy so I try to help them move boxes. My friends gets me away from the boxes.
>The lady at the optometrist office in the walmart says I need a perscription from a doctor
>In the thrall of some unexperienced emotion I take my glasses off and break them in my hands
>soykaf now I'm blind (I have -7.5 -6.5 vision)
>Get home, bike blind to an eye doctors
>Stumble in and somehow make an appointment
>Ask weird questions like "What really is a prescription? Like the concept of it, not the piece of paper"
>Get into the office and while waiting for the optometrist realize my eyes are dilated
>Doctor walks in
>"Excuse me can you close the door"
>he does
>"I'm high on LSD right now. Will that effect the eye exam?"
>He look worried -- "Who did this to you" "are you OK"
>I tell him this isn't my first rodeo and eventually just say "Don't take any of my information" and shuffle out of the office

Merry christmas guys


10/10 story hope you don't stay blind lainon


Yeap. It was /late/.


File: 1482759528816.png (335.03 KB, 200x200, 1437701635428-2.png)

>walking home by myself in the early hours of the morning
>drunk as fuarrrk
>in a pretty isolated part of town
>see caravan parked nearby
>for soykafs and giggles I decide to mess with it
>give the rear bumper a nice old kick
>a few seconds later two big guys with baseball bats storm out
>quickly hide behind a nearby tree
>they begin searching everywhere for me
>too drunk to to be scared
>spend 10 minutes rolling cigarettes while these guys search behind every car, wall and tree except for my spot
>eventually they get in a car and drive off
>start walking home again
>shortly afterwards this guy in plain clothes approaches me
>claims to be a cop
>tells me that those guys are looking for me and that I should head home
>okay buddy.png

God knows what level of beating I avoided that night.


File: 1482846819732.png (76.29 KB, 200x125, happy.png)

>be me
>started working at a Starbucks
>slowly accepting the fact I might blend into society with no redeeming traits
>continue working for about a couple months
>have conversation with coworker
>"Yeah, but at least cyberpunk has predicted everything..."
>ears perk up
>"What did you say?"
>"...I said cyberpunk predicted everything"
>start quizzing him on Gibson books, Blade Runner, Max Headroom, Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
>he knows everything
>tell him about lainchan
>"I'll check it out tonight."
>next day, he comes in to work and he smiles at me.
>instant best friends
>mfw I'm actually happy to be working somewhere and have a fellow lain friend.


>Be 22, insomniac, depressed.
>I have forgotten imageboard culture and am without a home.
>Not sleeping.
>Schizophrenic fundie race theorist uncle begins talking about how us glitterboys are syla wormtongue from LOTR and he is John Galt.
>Completely fuarrrking snap.
>Begin laboring under the delusion that I'm a pedophile and that the nazi is good people.
>Went to mental ward while believing myself to be a pedophile. Clearly not there, even to the nice police officers who are pretty sure I'm just crazy.
>Get Out
>Rediscover my stole wallpaper art project stuff. Script kiddie soykaf from past.
>Realize that the fuarrrking normal people keep fuarrrking patronizing me with their fuarrrking PC bullsoykaf but they're not even willing to talk about script kiddie bullsoykaf because they think criminals are immoral.
>Realize that they wouldn't be my friend if I wasn't their token.
>Say the word glitterboy fifty times in a public place in response to some tone policing jackass patronizing me, the queer person with their fuarrrking PC bullsoykaf.
>They are about to cry.
>Marvelously feel better.
>jack it for the first time in a month to gay porn
>mfw I have Win10 and I have the goofiest fuarrrking orgasm face.


fact: PC people like the idea of "neuroatypicality" until they meet someone who actually has it.


>Friend thinks being a nerd is a superpower.


>inherit 200k when im 18
>drop out of college to pursue professional dealing
>i am living a cyberpunk dream ordering bulk psychedelics and reselling to local hippies
>I believe in my "job", mainly its acid right now but i will branch out to other core psychedelics here shortly
>despite the paranoia, pretending to be someone else to my family and some friends, isolation (no qt3.14 that i can trust...), i really do love my life.


File: 1482898585796.png (20.92 KB, 200x179, 15590041_411989759132161_7301530250251304989_n.jpg)

>be in a comfy room with a large sliding door
>thinks about life
>hears scratching noise
>theres a three-headed dog trying to enter the room
>I freak out
>try to reflect power and dominance by standing up straight and giving a serious, direct look
>Cerberus stops
>I open the door and dog becomes a cute, pale girl with no clothes or accessories except for a choker
>I somehow know she is my Dropbox account
>she is sitting on the ground, looking at me with endearing eyes
>tfw no gf
>i touch her on the arm with my thumb and her skin turns reddish temporarily
>she stands up and I contain her in a corner of the room
>passionate hug
>I cry on her shoulder as she strokes my erect dick
>she tells me I am not to blame and that she knows I've suffered
>cry lots
>she runs away smiling
>I wake up
>tfw no gf or mom



Sounds like you need a three-headed dog girl for friend, loving, and cuddles.
>this was the closest thing I could find that wasn't lewd or furry stuff


I thought I posted the pic. Sorry.


Seems to be an error with posting pics over mobile. I can't see them and they dont post it looks like.



File: 1482960323618-0.png (776.04 KB, 200x134, weini.jpg)

that post gave me feels ;___;

What is even possible to do to end that feels and stuff ;__;


>be me

>i've been in a mental hospital for a few days
>i want to die
>when your in a loonybin your mind wanders into the creative
>that is im trying to think up ways to kill myself,
>and i got nothing but time
>my room has curtains
>i could hang my self.
>i wonder if it could take my weight
> i give the curtains a slight tug
>they seem solid
>tug on the curtains harder
>they clatter down noisily
>my roommate and i burst out laughing
>i try hiding the curtains
>like the nurses aren't going to notice half the curtains are missing
>figure out how to work the plastic latch things that hold up curtains
>i stand on a chair and fix the curtain while my roommate stands guard outside
>the nurses are checking all the rooms (its routine for them to check every 15 minutes)
>im taking forever, my hands are shakeing
>finally get the last latch when the nurses are few rooms away from me

i have more looney bin stories if anyone wants to read them


Lainon, I would love to read more of your looney bin stories! You should make a new thread on /test/ for your stories, chummer, it'll be worth it!


Plus one for more loony bin stories.


I still don't quite get it, but at least I finally realized there's baby bits every where, initially I just thought that there were bees.


Maybe my understanding of such things is broken from the media, but how do you handle such things as taxes when claiming funds that you have obtained illegally? If that question is something you feel you shouldn't answer then I'm sorry.

Got any good stories? What with the dealing drugs and so forth.


>You should make a new thread on /test/
Why on /test/?


damn LSD sounds like so much fun tbh


>be me
>aged 15
>fuarrrking bored in my chemistry class
>stupid fuarrrking classmates being loud and annoying
>they're all fuarrrking assholes anyways
>cover my ears to try to drown out noise
>when my classmates ask if there's anything wrong
>I say "nothing, I'm just planning elaborate homicide"
>when classmates figure out what homicide means, I get sent out
>get pulled from chem for 2 days
>had to talk to some classmates, get interrogated by admin
>at least one parent wanted me suspended


>be me
>im sitting at a table with my three new loonybin friends
> N , B and C (im not going use their real names)
>the loony bin is having us do collages (we cut up magazines to paste the pictures into a poster)
>its likely so they can analyze better or something
>this C has the briliant idea
>she decides to mess with nurses
> she makes her entire collage, pictures of peoples feet
>N makes his collage just peoples faces and a pentagram( later he was asked about it, he told the staff in a pretencious artsy voice that his collage was about "indentity"
i don't rememeber what B used as his collage, ill ask him
>i at first start a collage of womens breasts, but then i chicken out and put in pictures from popsci


This site really needs a minimum age rule of at least 18.


We do, Global Rule 0:
>Do not post in or view any boards if you are under 18 years of age.

People can remember things from the past.


In fairness, browsing this site you would easily think that rule doesn't exist. How about it gets enforced once and while.


>be me
>be 1 year old
>cannot talk
>cannot type
>cry multiple times a day
how about you start enforcing it yourself? present day present time hahaha


I'm thinking now that the rule is actively not enforced. That can only mean that the userbase and moderation are majority underage. What a surprise. On any chan where the active users are adults the underage are consistently called out and or derezzed.

Why not just get rid of the rule?



>I'm thinking now that the rule is actively not enforced.

Quite possible: kalyx's age has been questioned (as has the rest of the mods' ages), but that's not terribly relevant at this point.

>On any chan where the active users are adults the underage are consistently called out and or derezzed.

Show me a chan where that's true (I haven't seen any, but I don't see many chans: it's sure as hell not true on 4chan)... Save wizchan, ofc.

I don't care one way or the other, but if you really want to talk about it, take it to /q/, before we all get derezzed for flying wildly OT.


Is this photo just some acting or is this basically a murderer and his victim, a woman?

Reminds me not to open spoiler images.


It was true for 4chan when I last used to browse it. That is going back three or four years ago though. As you said, it happens on wizchan, and I have seen it often enough on 8chan boards like /v/. But yeah, this is getting a little off-topic.


8chan never had any rules about underave posting afaik


That seems pretty hard to enforce, you can't really know if some one is under 18, unless they explicitly tell every one. Lot's of people come across as underage, or generally immature, that's just how it is.

Also in the case of the guy saying he was 15 for the story is not him saying he is under age, it's him just setting up a story, he's likely not still 15.


Each board has it's own specific rules. /v/ is the only one I can say with certainty has an 18+ rule.

>you can't really know if some one is under 18

It's pretty easy to tell actually. Using unnecessary curse words like fuarrrk in a greentext story is always a big sign. Posting anything about high school in a thread not about school memories is always a dead giveaway. Adults do not post about those memories unless actually asked for them. They have memories from later in life which are more prominent to them. There is also a general sense of immaturity from the way they write and form their stories, but that is a gut feeling thing that would take too long to describe.

A small detail which I often notice on this site is that a lot of people do not understand the intricacies of using greentext posting. It could just mean they are new to chans, but people new to chans are often underage and the posts often correlate with my previous points.

>he's likely not still 15

I don't know about that. At best he is 16 or 17.


>Using unnecessary curse words like fuarrrk in a greentext story is always a big sign

People use unnecessary curse words constantly. I agree that it makes them come across immature at times, but to ban some one for generally coming across immature is dumb.

>Posting anything about high school in a thread not about school memories is always a dead giveaway

I'm currently 18 and still in high school. It's also reasonable to assume that high school memories are still relevant to some people a few years after.

>There is also a general sense of immaturity from the way they write and form their stories, but that is a gut feeling thing

I interact with some adults well into their 30's-40's that come across like they are in middle school, conduct them selves like absolute idiots, and are less articulate that your average high school student. Furthermore, banning some one off of a gut feeling is just silly.


>People use unnecessary curse words constantly

If you are referring to Lainchan, then it only backs up my point. It's much rarer elsewhere, excluding modern 4chan perhaps. But I don't browse there anymore.

>but to ban some one for generally coming across immature

I never said you should ban them for that. I was using it as an underage indicator.

>I'm currently 18 and still in high school

I said adult, but your point stands.Trust me though, in a a year or two high school will be ancient history to you. Either forcibly repressed or replaced by new experiences.

>I interact with some adults well into their 30's-40's that come across like they are in middle school, conduct them selves like absolute idiots

Here on the internet, especially on chans, you are communicating with computer literate, and presumably literate people. Not uneducated middle-age assholes who can't do more other than log into Facebook.So when you see a badly written immature post here, I guarantee you it is the result of being underage 90% of the time.

Anyway, this probably does need it's own thread at this point. I know these aren't good reasons to ban someone. Normally the opinion of the majority would force underage people to either lurk and get better at hiding their age or they would face scrutiny and their threads would be laughed off the last page. But here that natural solution just doesn't occur. And I wager it's due to most of Lainchan being underage.


Well, being the author of the post we're discussing, I now know that I write terribly, and swear too much. Mind, I already knew the both, but it's nice to have it confirmed.

>a lot of people do not understand the intricacies of using greentext posting.

I certainly didn't. I've read a good bit of it, but this was my first shot at writing the stuff (which might explain part of why it was so bad, although I think that me being an awful writer is a far better explanation).

And since you cast my age into doubt (quite justifiably: my post looks badly written even to me in retrospect, and I'm a pretty bad writer, as I've established), I should probably take this opportunity to confirm that I am, in fact, 18.


>I never said you should ban them for that. I was using it as an underage indicator.

But you are asking for the rule to be enforced, which implies banning.

>Here on the internet, especially on chans, you are communicating with computer literate, and presumably literate people. Not uneducated middle-age assholes who can't do more other than log into Facebook.So when you see a badly written immature post here, I guarantee you it is the result of being underage 90% of the time.

I can see that, how ever I still maintain that there is not enough backing unless some one, for some reason, came right out and said that they were underage for enforcing this rule. I would also guess 90% is an exaggerated estimate.


>I certainly didn't. I've read a good bit of it, but this was my first shot at writing the stuff

lurk more. Better yet, lurk on a different chan and then come back. Hardly anyone here understands how it works.

>But you are asking for the rule to be enforced, which implies banning.

Being the hardass that I am, I would ban people based on my points. But I understand why you can't. So, why not just get rid of the rule like I suggested earlier.

Where is that mod from earlier gone.

>I would also guess 90% is an exaggerated estimate

You pesky 18 year olds are botching my estimates with your intermediate maturity.


File: 1483580652773.png (22.27 KB, 200x151, Daria-Volleyball.jpg)

>be me
>be 14
>given the choice between football or volleyball in pe
>choose volleyball bc all the chads are going to do football
>turns out four other losers had the same idea
>since there aren't enough players (class is like 95% meathook) the two teachers go against the five of us
>spend half an hour watching teachers desperately try not to lose it as we continuously fail/don't try to hit it over the net
>their words of encouragement get weaker and more desperate
>one of the losers manages to do it
>as it arrives at the teacher he turns around and furiously boots it away from where we're playing in through the top to the enclosed football court where chats are playing
>'Well done, you scored a point'

From then on he stopped giving a soykaf about any of us and let me sit out of PE until I left school.


A real murderer would not carry his victim in a clear bag through a public street while his friend walks behind him with a camera.


Hmm, quite different to my experience.
5 years of my PE teacher not letting me sit out the class and I turned out mildly decent at the game. Still, glad it is over now.


>be me
>acessing lainchan
>don't know how to use lainchan
>see a thread about gts
>post it


There was a guy who went mad and beheaded his wife, then carried her head around Canada in a backpack while he traveled. He was wandering for like a year before they found him. People who commit murder in the first place are less likely to see things like you or I anyway.

But yeah that pic is some fetish photography I'm sure.


Kind of a gross story, sorry in advance.

> St Patricks Day, I'm 16 years old so this is a while ago.

> My father takes me out for lunch we live in a college town
> The burger I eat tastes good but something is off about it. Idk how to describe it just tastes a little... undercooked
> I feel fine for most of the day though.
> Later that night I decide to sneak out of my house with this qt, I was dating at the time.
> It was still cold outside and it had rained a little while ago, so as we're walking through the suburbs at 2am we decide to cut through a field because we were going to make out or something. Idk it was a dumb idea then too.
> My shoes and socks get super muddy as I carry this girl through the field because muh chivalry. At one time my shoe slips off at this point things are going badly.
> All of a sudden, I need to take a dump, like I really need to go, things are getting urgent, but I'm still halfway through this muddy fuarrrking soccer field.
> Once we're on the other side of the field, there's a convenience store 24 hrs close by, I go in and try to wipe off my shoes, low key I ask the clerk if I can use the washroom because as I said previously I really needed to go
> "employees only" fuarrrk yourself
> I need to get rid of this chick at this point so I tell her I'll fuarrrk her later and that I'm worried about something or other and need to go home, can't tell her that I'm going to soykaf my pants if I stick around longer
> I walk her home, she takes her time leaving and gets offended when I'm trying to rush her.
> I've got a 10 minute walk back to my house.
> I start sprinting there.
> About five minutes in, things are going very wrong and I realize that my options at this point 1. soykafting in my pants 2. Crapping on the side of the road
> I'm about to cry, but I realize what needs to be done, the road I'm on is sorta busy, but there just wasn't anymore time. Thankfully a car didn't pass.
> I slink home in shame with my pants around my ankles, and my shoes full of fuarrrking mud and I shower for 30 minutes. I go to bed scared that the cops are going to DNA analyze what I'd done and start a manhunt to find me

tldr; Instead of finger blasting his GF OP gets his shoes full of mud, takes a dump on the side of the road, and almost freezes to death as he walks home with his pants down at 2am.

And there's my story! Hope you enjoyed it Lains!!



Realized that there was a debate on this thread about people under 18, I'm going to clarify that at the time this story took place I was 16. I'm 23 now. But I guess if you were over 18 you'd probably be able to infer that.


>working at a fast food place
>digging in freezer in basement to get meat for the kitchen
>find ancient bag of meat
>expiration label says 1996
>set it to the side to throw away later
>bring meat up
>forget about it
>coworker brings meat up next day
>one of the bags he has is the one
>he puts it in the microwave to heat it up
>it explodes
>it's turning green and grey in the bag
>now it's everywhere
>have to clean entire kitchen
>try to put it all into garbage bag
>bag rips
>clean up again
>use garbage can to carry it to dumpster
>open another bag and dump it in
>quit a month later



Ha, I worked in an ancient meat processing plant one summer when I was home from college. I worked the bologna line.

> One of the full timers fuarrrks up and dumps the wrong meat into one of the wheeled knee high buckets we used to push the meat emulsion around the factory.

> Idk why it was wrong maybe it was needed for something else never really explained to us.
> In retrospect it was probably a hazing ritual.
> The machine that usually picks up the buckets and dumps out the meat emulsion is broken.
> fuarrrk
> Our manager is a sick fuarrrk so he gets me and the other kid who's there for the summer these shiny metal shovels and tells us to scoop the meat paste from one bucket to another one.
> The Bologna paste has the consistency of tar
> Even though we were both working in a underground 'cooler' we start to sweat and eventually we had to strip off our work coats and we were just working in the disposable plastic smocks that they issued us at the start of the day.
> Still managed to get completely covered in bologna emulsion
> One of the more sympathetic full timers complained that we weren't being treated humanely and someone was sent to fix the machine.

I'll never forget that summer. I've got another story about a ghost if anyone is interested in that.


File: 1486012072433.png (100.36 KB, 200x172, 1469596275738-leftypol.jpg)

Minutes ago.

>Standing on the kitchen before going to shower at 1AM

>everybody sleeping but me
>suddenly hear a voice through a speaker
>believe it's probably a few squares away
>hear loud voices
>look through porch window to try and listen to what's is going on
>blue and red lights illuminate the street
>cops looking for someone two houses away in a house where I've seen young boys, but can't really assess where exactly they are
>cop asks one of the guys who lives there what is he going to do
>threatens to shoot the guy
>the guy probably asks what did he do to the cop
>situation continues for several minutes, escalating with the guy being really scared and screaming NO! while audibly crying
>I myself get scared and fear someone may get shot, and empathize because being taken to jail where I live is something I would only wish on the worst people I know of
>feel my body trembling and my heart beating harder as I look through the window
>suddenly less sound, as if they had moved inside, couldn't make my h put of this part
>eventually they come out and the cop car door is closed
>fuarrrking reggaeton blasts from inside, and the main car drives in front of my house, followed by a patrol SUV and an unmarked Chevrolet Silverado, away

I could have seen more from the rooftop of my house, but it wasn't worth the risk of losing my head and I remembered a dream from years ago where I saw someone get killed right in front of that house by two people while on the rooftop myself watching.

Needless to say, it was fuarrrking terrifying


File: 1489780268267.png (73.9 KB, 200x172, 1462716475294.jpg)

>trying to buy a dlc on PSN store yesterday
>try paypal but there's an error
>try credit card but there's another error
>turns out your credit card info has to match your account information(which is also unchangeable once you've set it)
>buy it on amazon instead and redeem the codes
>download the data, then try to install...nope
>after some searching turns out dlc's are also region locked so it won't install
>literally just gave away my money to sony
>ok what about transfering save files to different accounts?
>nope saves are also locked to accounts
>guess I'll just have to make a proper account instead
>I need to enter my social security number and phone to a government login system in order to proceed(been posponing this for years)
>I hate it too but I have no choice...
>ok almost done
>nope now it says I need some sort of master account in order to make a sub account
>what the fuarrrk is a master/sub account
>after some more searching finally find out
>only people 19 and over can make a master account and I'm 4 months too young
>I live alone, buy alcohol, go to uni but I still need to ask my parents to play some fuarrrking video games

In the end, I got my personal info stolen and got ripped off, but still didn't get to play any vidya. I also accidentaly deleted a few of my other saves while trying to find a workaround :(


That's why you must always pirate them and never give any info.


I don't have the money to buy a nice PC so I resorted to a ps4 instead. Now I'm regreting it so much.


Both ps3 and ps4 have jailbreaks. After you flash it, you just download games on it.


>I'm 4 months too young
tsk, literally younger than SEL


>Sorry, I must have missed you, why didn't you say hello?


Do places still have mental institutions that keep patients long term? I thought virtually everywhere in the west got rid of soykaf like that. It's always weird to hear people talk about mental hospitals and soykaf because as far as I know they are very rare. I mean I know hospitals tends to have floors dedicated to that stuff but I mean like full blown mental facilities seem to be almost non-existent. It's kind of sad because it sounds kind of comfy being able to live in one of them.


I'd rather be young than old though...


>doesn't have money
>buys a $400 console in which every game is $60-$80 instead of just buying a $400 PC and getting tens of thousands of games for free


afaik, psn accounts are a lot cheaper than buying pc games as key/gift


>PC games

pick one


>be me
>i liked this girl for a long time
>she told me she likes me back, (i think she did
>we went on a date, it didn't go that well, she just kinda froze up when we got there, and acted all sad,(though we did have a few good moments it wasn't all bad)
>for two weeks she didn't talk to me.
>until one of my freinds asked her whats wrong and she said she would talk to me.
>she tells me that she's sorry for ignoring me, and that she's not mad at me
>i ask about the date, she says theres no problem.
>over the next couple weeks things are back to normal, but it still feels like theres an icewall between us.
>i get frustrated and ask her why she dosen't want to me that much, she says she's just not much of a talker (which is true), still i push and she gets frustrated, evetntually i ask "do you just want me to leave you alone?" she nods no.
>over the next weeks i kinda avoid her. (i know i probably shouldn't have done that)
>we don't talk much except,for one time i walk her to car.
>i don't know if she still likes me
>and after a few months of trying to find out by guessing im just going to ask, if i still have a chance with her>
>i see her tommorrow, im kinda scared
she means a lot to me, but i'll move on if i need to
>the worst thing i could imagine in this, is finding out i accidently hurt her (unlikely but i still worry)

wish me luck lains,


How did your info get stolen? And what info exactly?


I seriously had to laugh out loud. thank you for sharing it


i asked her she dosen't know


File: 1490385457866.png (968.11 KB, 200x113, Waves.gif)

What image board?
I promise I wont soykafpost their I just want to know


I meant there obviously


File: 1490396477293.png (18.81 KB, 200x200, gangchappie-imma-killa-robot-so-please-dont-hurt-me.jpg)

>be me 17 ish
>had to get parents permission to join military
>get to new unit
>im shy and awkward around these people (all chad/stacy types)
>supervisor assigning jobs, asks if i like working with the chads
>he is alpha chad beer king and makes fun of me for being smart and respectful to elders
>tell him "no" (expect to get assigned job where i can put my intelligence to use i.e. something besides painting/cleaning)
>all the asians at my unit got those "smart" jobs
>tfw get put on permanent cooks assistant duty
>new position, running dishes to/from mess hall, (at least i get some weekends off)
>all the underachieving chads got cooks assistant duty cus muh handyman skills suck (another story on this later if interest)
>they take smoke breaks every 30 minutes
>tfw i get left with the bulk of the work
>chads bullsoykaf with people in the messhall all day (during/after meals)
>kitchen nazi supervisor (actually a nice guy) sees this
>starts nomorebreaks.exe
>now working nonstop 16 hours a day running back and forth (10 minutes or less to eat)
>chads used vanish, its super effective
>found out they were hiding in barracks looking at porn
>my soykafty standard issue boots got worn out after weeks of scalding water/ kitchen chemicals all over them for weeks
>boots so worn out actually causing physical damage to legs, the sanitation chemicals are burning my hands
>i start to slow down because pain.exe
>aggravate shin splints and now limping everywhere
>chads got found out by kitchen nazi
>they got forced to return to kitchen (kitchen nazi was old school beta autist, but had rank)
>mfw chads say im faking limp and the cooks (pissed cus chads were doing soykafty job) say "no, anon was the only one who was actually working"
>after that the chads did everything they could to try to damage my reputation, and i was too beta to try to defend myself
>tfw still a kissless virgin cus job is life, i know nothing beyod job and people are afraid cus they think i has the PTSD (i dont, im just really shy and dont want to have a relationship with stacies who want me for money - only option where im at)
>soon i will be full wizard status, more stories if interest


>more stories
go for it


File: 1490401638104.png (177.12 KB, 200x133, funny-short-jokes-30.jpg)


another time:
>get tasked with painting a room, along with a bunch of chads
i go to get propper safety equipment cus we are working with some toxic soykaf (the military view people as expendable, almost like slaves, they have to give you protective equipment)
>the others laugh at me and call me a dork for wearing safety equipment
>sub tangent to follow
>im paranoid about that cus somebody told me "you dont need that, theres no way you get spilled on, just do it" at another point
>tfw i got chemicals splashed all over me
>spent 30minutes standing in shower in full uniform cus our eye was station was sitting in storage
>supervisor pissed cus apparently following orders was my fault
>back to the other thing
>I return to the chads painting, attempt to tell them we need to do this right so it does not look like soykaf
>chads laugh and tell me "relax once it dries nobody will notice" and besides we dont want to go get primer and stuff etc
>I tell them im going to go get the stuff so the job gets done right
>return 10 minutes later, whole wall is done
>"what the fuarrrk did you do, how did you even prep the surface when ive got the stuff right here
>"hahaha fuking magic, while you were off jackin it anon we were here actually doing work"
>apparently we are done, yeay weekend
>nope! weekendduty.exe
>mfw our lead officer comes in to get something from his office and sees the wall...
>whose on duty today... oh anon hey, you know that wall that you, a and b painted yesterday, it looks like soykaf, go redo it
>mfw it took me 5 hours by myself to do what it took 15 minutes for 3 people to fuarrrk up


File: 1490402561618.png (85.97 KB, 200x153, uesxslZ.jpg)


>the whole thing was a big ordeal becasue our officer made it explicitly clear that hee wanted everything done by the book, and gave us a 45 minute lecture on how to properly paint using the appropriate techniques ETC. and how that was the expected standard
>not that i really care that much, but its how i made my paycheck, and i was there anyway so why not do it right
>also all the chads i worked with ended up having random accidents,
>one of then destroyed his knee running and apparently stepping in a pothole,
>one of them ended up having his leg run over cus he got cocky and put his foot in front of a moving wheel by accident while escorting a vehicle
>one of them got super drunk and crashed car, got so injured he got kicked out of military
>some of the other betas at my unit said it was karma, cus they always took dangerous or unprofessional/stupid shortcuts did what they wanted, our command was not very involved


They don't sound like they would be very effective soldiers if I'm honest, good riddance


>be 17
>soon full wizard status
you spent 13 years in the military and did nothing but clean dishes?


File: 1490454771983.png (520.27 KB, 200x112, 7116159_orig.jpg)

although that's how my career started (having too many people with nothing to do and you get stuff like that), among other odd jobs early on i guess you could say things did end up getting a little better, but outlook for next years looks rather bleak, probably going to get deployed a few more times and at this point Ive stopped caring, also its hard to socialize, I ended up getting really good at my actual job and started advancing quickly, i really enjoy what i do now.
at least ill be able to retire before im 40 and get free paycheck for the rest of my life, thanks tax payers...
such is life in the military, i cant really say that it was a bad decision to join, also free school, so i might try to get a STEM degree or something when i get out, but as far as relationships go the only women i talk to are those i work with and only for official business, but then again i work with a few other people who are 20-25 y/o virgins, it almost seems to be the norm
pic related , its the store scene from the movie hurt locker
>mfw going to the store triggers mini existential crisis
>what the fuarrrk am i doing with my life, all these people just walking around happy and oblivious, and all these bad things are going on in the open and nobody seems to care, i wish they cared, the world would be better
>none of these people understand how the world works
>there is so much more out there in the world
>but i do like kids cereal
>move on with my life,and still don't talk to anybody unless i have to.

If anybody is interested, i can give tips on joining (its really a good decision if you don't mind social isolation or your boss treating you like a child)


What the hell, free advice is free advice. Shoot. lol


File: 1490957260487.png (1.95 MB, 141x200, CryorSmile.png)

>Working at clients house
>Cleaning house
>Client is working on the whole sleeping off cancer thing
>Working pretty damn well for him
>Hears a noise in his room
>Walks in to find him somehow sitting up
>Be amazed at strength for a good ten seconds

>He wants to go smoke

>Dresses his lower regions
>Grabs up his phone, cigs, and lighter
>Lifts him into wheelchair
>Wheels him out to the porch

>Air is cold

>His hands shake as he takes the cigg out the pack
>Gives lighter to him
>He looks up, ane takes a deep breath
>Lights cigg while staring out at the farm fields
>Impatiently tries to return back to work
>Client stops me and tells me to sit
>I stammer to him i need to rush to get the house clean so we can to on our outing
>He stops me right there

>He looked me streight in the eyes and said sit

>So i sat down on the steps
>He pointed out to a dove and told me to watch it
>It just kinda walked around the cars
>Alert but not paniced just there

>I turn to my client

>I told him i must go back to work
>This time he laughed
>He laughed so hard he coughed blood up on my jacket
>Wiping the blood up with my sleeve he said
>Kid relax I dont have much time left but theres no need to rush
>Gestures to his tumbor on neck arm and leg
>He takes a long drag
>I just stared off into the farmland
>We sat in admiration of the dove for a while
>He later died a slow and painfull death