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lainchan archive - /feels/ - 9170

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The last one reached bump limit, so why not?

I'll start with a minor sad thing. It stormed for most of last week, and after a few days I realized I no longer enjoyed the sound of falling rain. It used to make me really comfy, but for some reason that feeling is gone.


im getting over my depression finally. it finally hit its climax about a month ago. Things had been getting better for me up until that month and I wasnt able to accept that good things were happening to me. A few bad things happened and I really thought I was going to kill myself after that. i couldnt tell the people around me either what was happening they just saw me crying a lot.

i think it must be almost 10 years of this. falling apart all the time, breaking down and crying weekly and during the bad months every day. not being able to sleep unless exhausted and not being able to get up in the morning. im only just starting to learn to love and depend on myself again and to trust. the idea of happiness being a state rather than a high to be chased and expended is new to me. and whats the most new to me is that every now and then i feel at peace. just by myself, i never felt at peace and the few times i did was because somebody else was protecting me.

and im realizing the people i lost in the past that I thought I could not live without, it wasnt an issue of me losing the beauty i saw in them the issue was me refusing to see that same beauty in other people and in myself and in the world.

i always told myself life wasnt about being happy and struggles make us stronger. thats true but it doesnt mean i have to be unhappy or sink myself intentionally into despair. ive struggled a lot recently anyways, its time for some rest maybe. I just want to tell people who have been sad for most of their lives that one day you will make it out, and its not unreachable. you might need some help, or a second perspective is all. sometimes the people you would never imagine talking to in a million years are exactly the people you need to talk to.


I'm afraid to do anything, anything at all, and I don't know why.


Does anyone else have a "foggy" mind? These past few days I've been kind of withdrawn from things, and when I play video games it's like watching a movie. My mind isn't as active or present, and I can't do things as well as usual now.


Found out I had Chlamydia but didn't tell my ex. She just found out and sent me a message saying she was pissed. My mental stability is decreasing slowly everytime something stupid like this happens


I didn't know I had it when I was with her, found out after


I have it too now and then. Sometimes it's "foggy", sometimes kinda "unreal", sometimes "noisy". Changing day schedule and sleeping well helps. Changing environment is recommend, if possible. Cheers.


my grades are soykaf, i feel like i have a bleak future ahead of me


i cant keep doubting the people who love me. god forgive me.


I can't into technical subjects anymore. I simply don't care, I can't jump into a subject, I get annoyed very quickly.
It is like kicking dead whales down the beach because there's little else now that I know how to do. There are other things yet so much of my life has been devoted in the past years to technical matters that it's hard for me to actually get away. I have books on math and physics, I have two laptops I don't really care about anymore, I have a neat RPN calculator which I thing would be a waste to leave unused.
I feel I should cut all technical stuff from my life but not only do I have all this but my mind keeps drifting back to a couple of subjects that slightly catch my attention, yet I can't care enough to dedicate much actual work to them.
I need some hobbies that I can do in the afternoon, or maybe I should get a job and stop being a parasite, but I'd need a job that I enjoy, else I'd be miserable.
I think I'll dispose of all the stuff that I don't need, but how?


i dont want to feel lonely anymore even during the times i am alone. i want to feel at peace even though theres so much to worry about. i want to love myself even though i dont quite understand who i am. i want to love even as i lose those i love around me, and i want to live.

i spurned so many attempts by people to help me and people reaching out to me. i didnt even know i was doing it at the time. i feel like my family tree looking back is a downwards spiral, i want to be the one to rise above it. i want to be the first one to not give up or settle down unhappy or die too young. i dont have anything im really proud of doing, but there is nothing id be more proud of then learning to accept myself. and then after that i want to learn to love the people that helped me get here and the world and god. ive never wanted this before, i enjoyed my anger and depression because my acceptance of it acted as a shield. No one could sink me lower. but now i want it and i need it, i know what it means to be all those things i want to be and i know i can do so much more. But im also a human being, i know the bad is a part of being human. i just dont know how much bad. my reaction to everything has always been pure despair or pure bliss and now i dont know when thosd reactions are warranted. Should i worry about anything? If i lose someone i love should i feel lonely or should i just feel sad? Should i seek out other people when im lonely or try to deal with the loneliness internally? i dont know whats a reasonable response to something anymore, ive never controlled my emotions. Ive always just exhausted myself on the ups and downs.


i dont even know when to eat, im incredibly thin i dont really get hungry anymore. im used to only feeling like eating when im happy, now that my emotions are more normalized its just weird to me. if i ever do get hungry i know i REALLY havent been eating


I feel disconnected from society.



Society isn't something that us lains should need to feel connected to.


what the heck are you talking about! everyone's connected!


All is temporary, lainon


nigga u wot. The Wired is like society but moreso, and not wanting to be one with the wired is a strange illness indeed.

This universe is merely a ramdisk. Hope your soul gets written to the great hard disk in the sky.


File: 1483837071324.png (13.8 MB, 200x200, shmibs fog.png)

I want to go slow, speak soft, and not be forced through social pressure to smile or present a welcoming face. Silence, solitude, and comfort; these are my desires. I'm so connected but not to myself.

I don't use social media (twitter, facebook, reddit etc) but IRC and imageboards can probably be just as toxic to the individual. Breadth but not depth. I'm distancing myself from instant communication. I'm not against it's usage but I see it negatively affect me. On IRC, conversations resemble tsunami's with the time to reflect on what you want to say limited because of the medium. I'm too easily influenced anyway.


I think I just realized why I never finish anything, and it's because I always say it's hopeless before progress is possible. For example, I play a lot of Counter-strike. 1210 hours so far. Oftentimes I think "Hey, I should really be better at this game by now", and try to practice. Then I do a simple routine for the first few days, and quit because I still suck even though I've played for so long.

That's where I was tonight, but when I was ready to quit, it dawned on me. I'm not failing because I'm destined to be bad, but because I've never really tried. At 600, 800, and 1000 hours of play-time I made the same excuses. When I exercise, I lazily plop into some training maps, make no schedule, don't really try, and don't have the mindset, but still expect to "get better". If I can overcome that, I can actually get good.

Writing this here so that I have to do it. For a week at the least, I'll follow a consistent schedule and put my mind to it until I improve. The solution's obvious, and I just have to try.


i fuarrrking hate myself, becuase i am a faliure

bad grades, im not good at anything else


Over christmas i got a letter at a really nice moment, it was from some relatives i rarely see anymore. with it was just a sketchbook and some pencils, it said;
"You may find that you have talents you have never explored or enjoy just being in a quiet room creating something. Give it a try"

i dont know what to tell you or if this helps at all, i just thought of it when i read your post. i often think the same.


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I dunno what my deal is.

A friend, whom I've been staying with for about 5 months and whose parents have been good to me, just got taken to a hospital after taking two night's worth of his schizophrenic meds by mistake and having convulsions.

The thing is, during the whole thing I didn't feel one way or the other. As the EMT gave him oxygen and stuff, I even looked at a bowl with some green grapes and thought to myself they looked really good at the moment and wondering if anyone would notice if I ate a few during. Attempting to muster up kind of visible worried expression proved to be a task and it's up in the air on whether I succeeded or not.

I actually recall feeling sorta like this at an uncle's funeral when I was in about middle school. Only then I managed to get some tears out.

Aah, what to think? What to do? How to feel? Are worried people able to fall right back to sleep? Are they allowed to? My answer would be probably my most used phrase; "I don't know".

Though, in a way, this feels like some kind of wierd breakthrough.


>Should i seek out other people when im lonely or try to deal with the loneliness internally?

I think that depends on why you are lonely. I've lost the people I care about due to a number of reasons, one being personal flaws, and I needed that time alone to really think about them, and try and move forward, but at the same time I did reach out to people.

There needs to be a balance, you need time to think internally, but at the same time, you don't want to be alone all the time, at least for me anyways. So yeah, reach out to people, but also spend some time alone and try and relax, but while relaxing spend that time thinking.

That last sentence got a little messy, but what ever, good luck lainon.


I would say that life was ok.


I don't understand if your problem is the lack of empathy or just the inability to show to others what you feel.
Where you actually worried about your friend? maybe yours is just some sort of defense mechanism that you acquired to prevent getting hurt from this kind of events. Or maybe you just have the ability to remain perfectly calm in stressful situation (which may be an interesting skill if you purse a certain kind of careers but it says nothing about what you feel about the people you like and love).
About that, do you actually have some feeling for this person or you just consider him a friend because you are in good terms and he treats you well?


where is that pic from? The artstyle reminds me of inoue makito or maybe the guy who draws domestic kanojo.


So, how would you define a "friend".
Maybe you weren't that close after all?


I don't know. I'm trying to bettering myself in a lot of areas, i do it right for about a week and then i fall back into my old habits. i'm not making progress at all.


fuarrrk, I dont know who I want to be anymore. Few months ago I have decided to be an computer scientist and started to read SICP, some math books, bought Arduino. And about a week ago I realised that I really want is to make games, I started to learn how to draw, play around in GameMaker. And now I have no idea in which way to proceed, cs or gamedev.


Do you feel like you've learned anything from these experiences?
Like what small life hacks make you more productive?
What is the first thing you notice yourself doing before you fall back into your old habits?
When you are doing good for the week are you feeling tense or liberated?
The more you are aware of your own thoughts and behaviors, the further along you'll go.


i should try to build something


Don't give up anon. Don't beat yourself up. Don't let the old habits take you over.
Take baby steps, make your changes be small but permanent. It takes a shift of one's perspective, and each say is a struggle, takes time before you actually adopt a new habit. Can 't overwhelm yourself with too many of those. Don't worry too much either. Don't beat yourself up if you fall back, it happens to the best of us, get back on your feet, that's why the change has to be lasting. If you don't brush your teeth one day, do you give up on it?
Actually that's one good way to adopt a new habit, do it along a habit that you already have, marry them, make it a point to do one when you do the other.
And remember, discipline is doing things when you don't feel like doing it.
You can do this lain, I know it


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I thought I made it clear that I kinda wasn't worried with "I didn't feel one way or the other". I don't even know to say whether it's a lack of empathy, shock, defense mechanism, or what-have-you. Not too clear on a career path, but I have been putting a lot of thought in going back to school and majoring in PSY if I could. Sure I consider him a friend. A pal. Though I'm the type that needlessly wonders if I actually have friends and questions intentions and such even if not on purpose most times.

Oh, oh. Before I went to sleep I remembered another time in middle school when my little sister was "missing" for an hour or two and my reaction was similar.

I don't really feel "close" to many people. I say many because no one strongly comes to mind, but surely there's one.
Gomen, but I dunno. It was saved from an artist's twitter account a bit ago, but I can't remember who.


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What's the point of living?
I used to think it was being good at things. I built up general skills and examined myself and built discipline. I can get good at things really fast.
However to live, you need to get good at something practical. So I got good at programming. It's the most deep and rewarding thing I could find. My goal was to be the best, because why would I shoot for anything else?
Now I'm finding that if you're good at things people just heap responsibility on you. I have to do a whole bunch of soykaf that I don't want.
What are my options? To shoot down the requests of my superiors and hide my skills from my coworkers? They'll eventually discard me, and isolation is death. To start my own business? That's just more responsibility. To reduce my velocity at which I increase my skill? I don't want to live a life of mediocrity.
Is it really too much to ask just to do the work of a human and solve problems? Every other animal has their place. Mine is not to do exercises in endless beaurocracy so that someone else can better plan how they're going to make money.
How do I escape this box?


>What's the point of living?
Well, what do you really think when you ask this question? I'd suggest avoiding the thought that there is an answer you "should" think. I know it's an often too repeated platitude but as I must say, different proclamations come from different people, each with it's own merit; so spend some time grabbing various schools of thought. Personally, I view life from the egoist and satanist perspective, that is, to satisfy all material desires. Good is what's fruitful and what I want. Bad, the opposite; that is life for me and it leaves quite the bubbly feeling. An interesting answer to this question I got from someone on our lovely IRC is that the point of life to him is to fulfill obligations. Certainly not my flavor of philosophy but it's an option.

I don't have an answer to the question about your job and whatnot, but I have to ask: Why live in misery if you the power to not? Do something or don't, you'll come to an answer.


I suppose my real question is, what do I do when I find my purpose for living is wrong?


find a new one?

"the body was too short or empty"


From my perspective there is no such thing as "right" or "wrong". So, I ask: what do you mean by "my purpose for living is wrong"? If your current purpose, whatever that is, is not to your satisfaction, the answer is obvious, no? Look within yourself, don't submit to social idiocy. Ask yourself what you really want, what you geniunely desire.


I desire an impossible thing; to do good work without being expected too much.


>Though I'm the type that needlessly wonders if I actually have friends and questions intentions and such even if not on purpose most times.

im the same way, and often soykaf that happens to my friends especially before didn't really affect me. that was until i met a friend who i really cared about and really cared about me. and trust me i had "good pals" before too, people id share personal stuff with and tell secrets. But in retrospect maybe the deep secrets i was telling them werent even that deep. sometimes your most personal and well kept stuff is the stuff that youd never even think to tell anyone, thats how well kept it is in your mind.

do whatever feels natural to you, if you arent sad dont cry, you dont need to hide yourself from other people. by not hiding yourself you might actually attract other people who are real about soykaf as well, and thats what i think you need is a real person. someone you can develop a deep relationship with not somebody you can try and measure your relationship up to the standard. il just say that you know when you care about someone, there isn't a question about it. you dont visit them in the hospital because its the right thing to do, you do it because you dont ever want to lose them. i had the same experience where one of my friends went to the hospital and i just honestly didnt care much. but if my friend now went to the hospital id be a mess probably if there was a question whether theyd be okay.


you have faith that its right. any time you allow your reason to live to be examined by other people they will pick it apart and destroy it because it likely isnt the same as their reason to live which makes both parties question their existence. thats not to say you should never question your reason to live, if somebody you trust dearly or look up to changes your perspective it can be hard to deal with but in the end you may come out stronger.

but dont let people who don't care about you make you question your reason to live. whether thats your boss or strangers on the internet.


I see that you're the one who views others as expecting too much. If people really do expect too much from you, you could just ignore it.


I've been put in a position of responsibility. I can't ignore it without losing my job. I believe if I leave this job I will not find one as close to what I desire.


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When I graduated on my school 7 years ago, I was glad I'd not be bullied or deal with assholes everyday. Not hard to see, i was wrong about that.

I still have the same social problems I had when i was 17 years old, and I thought they would go away as I was getting older, but it seems getting bad and badder. I feel myself more detached from society than never. I spend all my time seeing soykaf and listening to music as a refugee to the real world, and Im getting into the drug level phase.

I wish id say what is in my mind when Im talking to people, but instead I just avoid eye contacts and give fake and shy laughs.


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Thanks, I feel like that actually clears up a lot and it's left me feeling assured. I've actually been putting thought into just not putting effort in hiding what I (don't) feel anymore. For some reason I just made myself feel like I should care more than I do. Which is comical considering one of my general principles is not believing in obligation.

I'll look forward to caring one day.



Thanks lainons. You give me a lot to think.


why are you using shmibs' art?



you've built yourself a Ferrari and now you're afraid to drive it?


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I've had an argument with a good friend about minor stuff. He never manages to build coherent sentences with proper grammar or spelling to a degree where I have trouble to decipher the semantic.

I spoke up to him and let my tongue slip, said that would be knowledge of a 4th grader, which is not even wrong, but insulting and I knew that. Now he is pissed and I am pissed and everything is like kicking dead whales down the beach ass.
I already apologized briefly, but that does not solve the initial problem and I will be unnerved again by it, while he lacks the will or the capability to change. Do I really have to accept him throwing gibberish at me all the time? I like him as a person, but this brings me to my limits. It feels like he is mocking me on purpose.


to put things shortly i feel like recently ive been reborn almost. i dont really know what i want in life anymore and thats hurting me, i also dont know much about myself and what i like or dont like. this is hurting me at the moment in relationships and other things, so i was wondering if i could get some help sort of finding out what kind of goals and jobs and what not would suit me based off what i do know about myself. or maybe just give me opinions on what kind of person you think i am no matter how fuarrrked up what you say is.

things i like

1.I like to buy things, i enjoy buying food and thinking about what im gonna make or thinking about eating it more than i actually like to eat it. I also buy CD's even though I have the torrented copies of the same CDs already, not to support the artist or anything just because I like feeling that physical and closer connection to the music almost? it makes it feel real.
2. i like to take sometimes a less productive route of solving something if i think itl be interesting. probably an extension of this is that sometimes my favorite movies arent the best movies rather just the ones i found the most bizarre, same for music and what not.
3. i like it when things fall into place, and i like designing and thinking about scenarios and courses of action i can take in my head. as an extension i like drawing a lot.

as for things i hate
1. i hate being alone, and i dont work any better alone than i do in a group. of course if the groups unfocused i also get unfocused, but if the groups focused or i can bring it to focus i work great. being with other people makes me feel safe.
2. i hate it when people question what im doing. for example ask me why im going outside or why i need something. possibly by extension i hate it when people stare or act like im doing something out of ordinary even if i am.
3.the idea that people have interpretations of who i am that arent how i see myself bothers me a lot sometimes. this may just be a character flaw i need to work through though.

as for character traits I have that i know of at the moment
1. im more patient than most people. one of my friends used to like to take her anger out on me physically and id always remain calm. also carrying other peoples weight doesnt bother me, i dont feel like im ever being used because i dont feel obligated to help them i just choose to.
2. on the other hand i also get bored easily and then can give up on what im doing.
3. i dont have problems taking a side i dont agree with in an argument. i just dont feel like arguing usually and i dont really care if someone thinks they are right and they arent.
4. my mood can change fast. though ive been making efforts to stabilize that and it seems to be working. but often i can be enjoying myself so much and a single stray thought will sink me hard.
5. im really loyal once someone i feel has earned that. the thought of dying to save one of my friends actually makes me happy.


>im getting over my depression finally. it finally hit its climax about a month ago. Things had been getting better for me up until that month and I wasnt able to accept that good things were happening to me.
Get ready. This is actually the initial phase out. If you can't overcome the hurdle of your depression, it will get orders of magnitude worse when you fall back into it.


i think im doing good? the important thing is i dont want to go back to being depressed and i cant 100% say that was true before. im probably in one of the more depressing situations i could be in right now and im managing, there is one final thing that may be about to hit me soon that im not sure how il deal with.


i just realized something crazy that apparently was so obvious to normal people but never to me. I never realized I didnt have to let every thought reach its conclusion. Like if im getting all anxious about someone not texting me I dont have to think of every possible scenario as to why they might not be. And if im questioning myself I dont have to keep doing it and continuing in a downward spiral. this is so new to me, i always thought i was being ignorant or wasnt doing something right if I cut off all this self doubt and depressing thoughts and didnt let them reach their conclusion. and happy thoughts too, i used to let my happy thoughts spiral out of control till i literally wanted to jump or run or do something dangerous, i feel like im in control of my brain now.


I have a sex drive, but I don't want sex or a relationship with anyone. When I see a beautiful girl, I recognize it but I know I wouldn't enjoy being with her. It feels like life is taunting me.


I always stop doing something just before I get any result.
I can't help it but to always spoil my chances.
I am perfectly aware of it, yet I can't change it.


Not long ago I punched a thief and I only had enough strength in me to hit him once. I hate everyone and I want see all living things suffer but I couldn't even beat up an acceptable target. I don't think I hit him hard but he made that squealing animal-like sound and kind of stumbled to the ground. I don't know if he was pretending or not because I never did it before. Then he went to his knees and begged me not to hurt him, said he was very hungry and I could only mutter something about stealing not being alright. I walked away practically shaking, so weak in the knees I could barely walk. I found my weakness disgusting. Sometimes I can't stop thinking about that sound that he made.
Later when my father attacked my mother I punched him too but that only made him angry. Mother got between us before he could murder me, I hid and wept myself to sleep. I hate them but even now the memory of raising my hand against my father makes me want to cry.
I want to die and I want to make others suffer but I'm too weak to do anything. I find seeing people succeed at anything or being happy unbearable so I practically left the internet and try to secede from the world, limit my contact with reality to minimum.


my boyfriend really wants me to dick him, but i just can't. I love getting him off by other means, but i don't see the point in using my dick at all. We tried few times and couldn't have any fun from that.

>inb4 circumcised

i am not


for starters im not criticizing your goals of wanting to be stronger and make people suffer, but sometimes what we think will make us happy or entertain us ends up not being what we wanted at all. this shouldnt be taken as a flaw of character just a fact.

have you ever looked down upon a certain type of music or food only to find out after spending some time listening or eating it you actually really enjoy it? the same thing can be true with people, try spending some time with the sort of people you normally look down upon or pay no mind to.


boy, that didn't last long! for a few days I was feeling kinda positive and almost happy, I think. and then today depression came back and hit me hard all at once. I feel the same as my lowest point in 2016. why does this happen to me.


I also have that feeling of not being conscious when I do public speeches or in any other situation that involves high anxiety levels


Maybe the reason is it's not possible to sustain happiness. For me, part of the problem has been feeling as if I *should* be happy. I would assume others emotions as the norm I should be a part of. Try not looking at your depression as something that shouldn't be happening, but as your current state. Don't be in such a rush to escape it.

I'm not telling you what you should do, only another way you can look at it. It may or may not help you.


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I'm in love with one of the staff in my school and I'm always on the verge of confessing how I feel to them.
We've been talking and hanging out during the day for about 2 years now, and they're always flirting with me, even more so recently these past few months.
I've been trying to suppress how I feel by dating other guys, but I can't help it. I truly love them.
Even if I did confess, theres a chance they might accept me and date me because of how affectionate they are with me, but theres always this feeling they might reject me due to student/staff dating rules, or because of the age difference, or some other reason.
These feelings keep boiling and boiling though, theres only so much time left before they burst completely.
soykafs making me depressed as heck.


tell them how you feel. Make sure you don't ever break the law with him(age of consent, alcohol, etc.).

Also, I don't think a relationship like that will turn out well. But who knows, it might, and it's good to be honest anyway.


other people or the "norm" aren't always happy either. you don't have to constantly be happy or depressed, sometimes you just are fine. that is the normal "current state".

i know the issue with my depression before was expending my energy flying into bouts of pure happiness that would last for a day or two, at which point id crash. then id sink myself into the deepest depression. as im learning to control my thoughts and emotions im learning i don't always have to be feeling that strong.


I have no friends, I've spent about a month with out friends and I have yet to figure out how to deal with it. I've been getting over it, I thought, but tonight it all just came back up, and this isn't the first time I thought I was getting over it.

It's not so much that I lost the people who were close to me that hurts, but that I have no friends. I do actually have a few, but two of them I have seen twice in a year, despite my pushing to hang out (Not their fault, just doesn't work out), a friend I never get to hang out with who has been around for ever, and my Girl Friend.

My girl friend was in the same friend circle, and stopped being friends with all but my best friend, who is no longer my best friend. That's the one that hurts the most, that we aren't friends.

It's not that some big event happened, me and my friend group just sort of pushed apart, actually, I didn't want to be friends with most of them anymore, but the lose of my best friend hurts.

I'm still finishing up high school, and until the end I don't really have any where to go to build close friendships again, I'm just feeling soykafty tonight, and I miss having friends to hang out with. I miss it so much. I recognize that I am young, and that the majority of these friendships were doomed when high school ended, and I know I will make more friends eventually, but it's kind of scary feeling so alone at the end of high school. The people who helped build me into who I am, the people I grew around, and helped grow are just fuarrrking gone, and there is no one else I am close to who fills that role.

I'm fuarrrking sad, lainchan, hopefully things will be better soon.


reading your post i got paranoid someone knew i was on here and was like mocking me by describing my exact life situation until i read the highschool part.

its the same thing for me except my best friend was my "girlfriend" i guess and im not positive i lost her yet. but i know i will if i continue to be so dependent on other people. you have to be comfortable being alone and doing things all by yourself, and doing this will actually make your relationships with other people more healthy. you arent needy anymore, or clingy. and i know how hard that sounds, im trying to accept myself when half the things i know about myself came from someone i might not be seeing anymore in the future. but you just have to do it.

some people are lucky and they have a family member they can always lean on, or they already have a friend group or multiple friend groups that are always there for them. but some of us arent and we have to learn to live with ourselves and in the end we will be better for it. try not to think too much about what you wish you could be doing or how you miss them and want to hang out with them. there isnt any point in thinking about things that cant happen, make do with what you have. maybe take this alone time to learn about yourself a little, what do you like doing that doesnt involve your friends? what do YOU want to do with your life? im thinking about that question a lot lady, i used to know what i want to do in my life and i had no problems with feeling lonely or anything because i had something bigger. i lost that and im trying to find it again now.


that question a lot *lately

dont know how that ended up as lady.


thank you for this post anon. I think this is what happens to me too. I'm going it try to control myself better from now on.


Agreed, that was my point.


It's strange that only a year or two ago, I enjoyed posting on chans a lot. I stopped going mostly last fall, and I've come back for a few days the past week only to find myself totally bored once again. Even "outsider" interests like VNs are gone, and I just idle my time away caring about nothing now. Reason tells me there should be many people like me, but I never see them. Hopefully medication can help this, that's all I can think of now.


I'm sick of having strong political opinions that virtually all men and all mainstream leftists and all right-wing people hate with a passion.

The only small communities whose politics I share are very rare and are mostly made up of separatist women, and I'm a man.

There is literally nowhere I belong. I hate it.


I don't think I'll ever be happy, no matter how many positive things occur to me..
It's difficult to see a point in living when everything is dim from the start.


different situation of why but same i guess. i just dont really value politics as much anymore but even kinda culturally im an outcast. so i just said fuarrrk it im my own person i dont need to belong.


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I often feel like I wake up a different me with the the same tendencies, preferences, personality and such. It's a diffulicult thing to put into words.


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I haven't been feeling ok Lains.
Yesterday (Sunday) was my birthday. I'm usually not exited about that, but this year I was more open-minded. Recently I've found comfyness in family reunions as I am not expected to talk a lot, so I just hear to what they say and watch them getting drunk. Also, birthdays are the perfect excuse for cooking nice stuff.
But... Just a day before my grandmother, who's 'battling' lung cancer and making the lives of my mother and aunt hell while at it, started coughing blood. She might die in the hospital and, while she's been a dick to all who are within a phonecall distance, I don't want to hate her.
Not only that, but I just realized that our dog has part of her left side of the neck swollen, and that scares the fuarrrking soykaf out of me, as we don't have the time to deal with that right now.
Also, this week I really wanted to ask out a girl that I've known for years (but haven't talked to her in almost as long as that) and recently came back to town. I guess I'll still do it, but the circumstances are far from ideal.
And this is my second week on uni, so I'm still adapting to that...


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Why every image I upload is posted as spoiler? That's weird.


my life plan has been to find love and be happy and then die at my peak. when it happened and my time to off myself came I didnt because the person I loved taught me to want to live. now i feel lost. i dont quite know who i am, or what i want, or where home is. I just know i want to live and i want to be happy and happy with myself.

but i have no real goals still. nothing brings me happiness besides stuff i cant base my life around such as affection and attention from people i like. everything else is boring to me, its boring being alone, its boring being with people i dont know, its boring studying, its boring playing video games, its boring watching shows, gettinh fuarrrked up is temporary and i feel worse after. Even listening to music and drawing gets boring after awhile. i hardly get excited about news or new scientific discoveries anymore or earth or my own pets and family. i have just a few things that make me feel safe and comfortable from these visions of an empty world i keep picturing i live in. even if the worlds not like that thats how my brain sees it every now and then. a world that wont ever be blessed again like it was. those few things that make me happy are a few peoples voices and a single album. im also just not feeling good about myself right now. i feel like the only reason i did before was because i shut people out so i wouldnt have to measure up to anyone. now i feel very inadequate and dumb and ill prepared.


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When you're a former archaeology student but write a long candidature mail to the cybersecurity program of your country's army and they will drop your soykafty CV in a heartbeat and deep packet inspect my connection to find out I watched the Lucky Star opening and Touhou speedcore as soon as the message was send to their servers


fuarrrking hate how flaky people are on the internet. Had friends block me at the drop of a hat. Others think because everything is on the internet they can treat you worse than normal because no reprisal.


I'm tired of not having a goal in life...

Sometimes you just want to stop feeling like you're constantly wandering towards an end goal with no direction.

It feels hopeless, like everything doesn't mean a thing to you and barely anything makes you happy.


tbh i do that. an internet connection is never gonna mean as much as a real one to me, and ive had people in real life drop me like that.


I feel ya. The thing that mostly keeps me going is hoping to give enough of a soykaf about something eventually. Not much more you can do than stick it out and try not to dwell on it too much end up wasting time on existential pity parties. Not having direction or guidance is like kicking dead whales down the beach, but I've stopped feeling cheated out of it and see it more as it giving me free reign to do whatever I want to.


Oh, I'd also like to quote something from the previous thread that gave me a little perspective and hope you could say I guess;

>>6251: "Then I go outside and actually /look/ at a flower. Not in passing, but stopping, getting close, and looking at it like you'd look into the eyes of someone you love, and I realize that the only reason I don't love more things than I do is because I don't spend time with them. What I do spend time with, I tend to love, and what I spend a lot of my time with is my depressive self."


I have a short body, still too short


I'm pretty sure the antidepressants I was on until recently had some adverse effect on me. It's much harder to think clearly now. My memory is shot. I don't remember my childhood or much of anything until a few months ago. Random people greet me by name like they know me even though I've never met them. Learning is very hard.
I've also become, simply put, a douchebag. I care less about people's problems ans generally just want everyone to go away and shut up. I wasn't always like this, I think. I don't like the changes in my personality but I have no memory of being anyone else. Does that make sense?
I'm very lonely and tired of being alone. I have no romantic experience and my friends are few and far in between.
My one comfort is escapism. I play unhealthy amounts of video games and watch anime for hours because it provides escape. This way of living is bad for me but I can't stop.


I'm a 22 y-o who hasn't graduated from high school yet, I can't bother attending school. I really wanna get into college and study, but it's extremely tough to not ditch class.
I haven't been to class in 3 months. I have 5 months left to pass all of my past and future exams and while I know I can pass them, even though I say to myself "today's the day, today I'm starting anew" I just spend the whole afternoon being a lazy fuarrrk and find myself ditching class again.
I don't even play videogames anymore, I just go to the gym and spend all day watching stupid youtube videos or brewing soykaf on imageboards, there are very little things I enjoy nowadays.
I wonder if I'd also skip class if I ever get into college.


I've built myself a Ferrari and now someone wants me to be the pit crew.


PS. When I say escape I mean pack my stuff and go do some traveling, burn any remaining bridges and settle somewhere else in world. Not kill myself.


I want you guys to know, knowing that most of you most likely come from other chan sites, that hanging with you guys as anons through the bad and good times is something I will remember to the grave and beyond. You are my friends.


I found this place at a really hard time, and it's given me my only sense of belonging, I love you guys.


Wow I really relate to that.

I remember freshman year of uni I felt like I had a whole world of knowledge ahead of me and I could learn as much as I could and feel content and set in myself. Feel comfortable with the sort of person I'd become by learning that much.

Now near the end of uni I just feel... shakey, and unsure. I learned a soykafton but I can't even quantify the soykaf I haven't learned. Every day I keep realizing that there's more and more knowledge that I don't have, and at the same time feel like I have to actively work to keep what I DO have still in my head. There are all these articles about how you have to keep working on your own time to stay current, that 40 hour work weeks aren't enough, much less 20 hours of work an another 30 of school it feels like I'm doing.

I know I'm not dumb or on the bottom of the barrel because I have a great job, and I overhear things in classes that makes me feel like I'm going to be graduating with people that didn't learn a thing... but I also know people around me that are legit genius level intellects, or friends with more competency than I thought possible in topics I'm bad at.

I'm out in the middle of the bell-curve where going forward is daunting and seemingly impossible, and slipping backwards feels like something I have to struggle not to do every day.

Exactly what you talked about. It's like doing maintenance every day so you never end up using what you've been working on, just trying to prop it up with twine and balsa wood.


I sometimes wonder, why do anything at all?


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>We are like a man running downhill, who cannot keep on his legs unless he runs on, and will inevitably fall if he stops;


But we all fall in the end, so why do we keep on moving?


I can't deal with people. Any small thing that anyone does wrong drives me to my most aggravated state. One of my exes misspelled things often and I wasn't going to be able to stay with her a second longer without committing mass homicide. The people around me don't have these problems. They have friends, which I am unable to keep around longer than a week without exploding on them with violent insults to their intelligence for small things that would be insignificant to others. I feel like I have a superiority complex and I hate it. I think that I'm just an asshole. I want it to stop. I don't open my mouth to speak for days at a time because talking to people makes me sick to my stomach, they're all so goddamn stupid. I hate the way my mind works. I wish I was as stupid as the people around me so that I could be normal. I'm tired of nobody treating me like a human.


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I'm too afraid of falling.


> I'm tired of nobody treating me like a human.
Why do you feel like that, lainon? Your whole post was about you not being able to treat others as humans, and then you put this in the end... Is there something else you want to tell us?


Constantly bullied, treated like soykaf, I'm abused at school every day by the people I hate. They call me a shooter and throw things at me. Nobody knows how to treat another person. Maybe I've become an abusive person after all of them treated me poorly. It's a mess. I'm so frustrated I don't even know what I'm trying to convey with my posts. I go from feeling better than everyone to feeling completely worthless.


It's human nature to hate most in others what we hate in our selves. It's a mechanism to deal with self hatred, we all have it, every one has soykaf that hate about them selves, some just have a better grasp.

You need to figure out why you hate your self so much before you can learn to treat others better. Understand that these people aren't truly stupid, you aren't truly above them, they are people same as you. You need to understand that your not something special, and figure out what is wrong with you. It takes a lot of time to improve in this way, years even, but if you ever want to build any meaningful relationships, if you want to get anywhere, if you just want to be happy that's what you need to do.

I don't mean to be harsh, lainon, I was in the same place several years ago, just take time to your self considering this, share how you feel with any one you can feel close to that can provide insight, find insight where ever you can, be it through literature, music, where ever. If you spend to much time just thinking about your self alone with no outside thought you'll get confused, or in my experience that's true.


Really don't mean to be a dick, just trying to help, but consider the possibility (probability in my opinion) that there is a reason you are treated this way.
I'm not saying you deserve it, nor am I going to suggest you are a special snowflake and people just don't understand you.
Try to understand why they treat you this way and adapt accordingly (if you wish to).

I'm essentially supporting most of what >>9633
is saying, only I would like to stress the importance of understanding the reasons for the behaviour of others.

>They call me a shooter and throw things at me.

I suppose this can function as the first step towards understanding the behaviour of others, because
>committing mass homicide
> I am unable to keep around longer than a week without exploding on them with violent insults to their intelligence
>they're all so goddamn stupid. I hate the way my mind works.

You probably don't say these things just on here, but say them possibly differently in day to day life. You're going from 0 to 100 with that first statement.
>They call me a shooter and throw things at me.


but falling ends
and it ends in "not moving"


i think id die for just about anyone, even people i hate. the idea of dying that way makes me feel so at peace, id have no regrets. At first i thought id just be happy to die for my friends but now i see that literally anyone i think i would die risking my life for.

does that make me suicidal? do i not value my life enough? am i just a good person? im trying to be honest with myself, ive been telling myself i dont want to kill myself but thinking what i just said above is that true?


Sounds like you're more desperate for a little bit of love than you are to die.


I'm going to be twenty-nine in a month. I've mostly coasted through life doing nothing at all, fell for the liberal arts degree meme and now work as an overnight janitor. I like my job and the distance it puts between me and most of society but, in truth, I feel like it's only been in the last three years that I'm making any real headway in life. I've got a soykaf-ton of hobbies that I'm either a beginner or barely intermediate at and I feel like the only silver lining is that I'm so rabidly against the idea of having children that I'm going to have plenty of time to fill in the skill gaps I perceive that I have.
I guess my issue, summed up, is that I only just started living recently. I tried to play the game of life in a half-assed way for so long and finally realized that living on the fringes of society is what truly satisfies me.
Sometimes I wonder if I discovered this too late to ever have any amazing adventures or ever be truly good at things that I find interesting.


>Sometimes I wonder if I discovered this too late to ever have any amazing adventures or ever be truly good at things that I find interesting.

Not to late at all. Good to get some positivity in here as well. I'm really happy for ya.

>I've got a soykaf-ton of hobbies that I'm either a beginner or barely intermediate at

Maybe find something you want to 'sepcialise' in? As you progress in a certain hobby or skill it also tends to bring more satisfaction and happiness.
Just a suggestion though.


too* ;)


Mighty kind of you to say, friend. I'm probably going to keep plugging away at all of them, though. I have this weird enthusiasm for all of the things I want to pursue to the point where cutting them down any more than I have seems depressing.
Honestly, I spend my free-time jumping from one to the other in half-hour chunks over the course of the day. I think it's hard to focus on one for multiple hours unless I'm really trying to break through to the next stage with it.

Your words are kind. I just wish I'd come to these conclusions earlier in my life.


I'd just say be happy that you've come to this point now and not any later and just do your thing as you deem right.
No use getting stuck on what's passed. Enjoy this moment of epiphany, instead.


This is good advice. I suppose getting the picture a bit late is better than getting it early but giving up and becoming a mundane person when the "real world" hits, right?


Feeling like you've only just started living must be an important moment which feels great for you.
You've come to understand yourself better and have a good idea of what you want of life.
That's a great thing.

By fearing you are (too) late, you're only marring the moment, so leave that thought be.
You have no need for it.


It's actually so powerful a moment that it's truthfully difficult to clearly remember my life before three years ago when I started getting serious about it. That's a surreal feeling.


I refrained from using the word 'blissful' because I didn't want to seem to make a religious statement, but I imagine that is what it must be like.


I don't know if it's like that so much as the feeling you get when your head clears after being muddled for so long that became normal. It's just this realization that my actual priorities don't line up with normal ones in most ways.
Things that seem so crucial to most people I know just seem like illusions to me. One thing I did for a while was catch a bus downtown in my city during the middle of the morning and wander around watching dayshift people rush about to work and do stuff in office buildings. I felt strangely invisible.


I've just finished my internship a week ago and sometimes this week (which I used as kinda holidays) wanted to organize a short temp-job for next week. I didn't even manage to call at the agency and ask if they have something for me, which would not have been hard or would have taken more than 5 minutes. But I didn't do it, I wasted large parts of my time this week on this website, other websites and vidya instead. And there would have been other tasks that needed tending to and which other people relied on me for (nothing crucial though) that weren't tended to. So neither did I get this stuff done, nor could I enjoy this week off because these trivial things all of which I could easily have done during monday didn't get done. This has been a constant theme in my life for years, if not a decade.

>>9605 makes me depressed because it reminds me of all the interesting things I could have learnt about and looked into during my studies, which I want to do but didn't because of this problem. >50% of my 30-page BSc thesis has been written in the day I had to hand it in.
Basically this: http://waitbutwhy.com/2013/10/why-procrastinators-procrastinate.html
(which is a really good read for those with similar problems)

One of my most productive phases recently was when our ISP accidentally blew our internet connection. I did useful things, most of which I haven't touched since. I sometimes feel like breaking my wifi adapter of the computer with a swift kick down the front of the tower. But that can't be the solution. Not only do I need internet access for certain things (e-mail etc.), I want to have the feeling of guilt-free browsing after I got stuff done. Can't remember when I last had that, cause I never do anything in a properly planned, ahead-of-time, first-work-then-play manner.

I feel reluctant to think about these things except when I lay in bed, and when I do think about it, it seems to only end up in constant self-blaming, which I've done plenty of and I feel doesn't get me anywhere. I wish I could leave my psyche and look at it and all my actions from a distance, in hope of finding a solution. Maybe I should start taking walks out in the forest, with absolutely no technology, just me and my thoughts.


Going on walks by yourself is one of the best things you can do. It really helps clear your mind and give you a fresh perspective.


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Every time I try to get more experienced with gnu/linux, it leaves me feeling like a huge fuarrrking moron. I feel like I'm making some progress but holy cow is it frustrating sometimes, it can take me forever just to solve one problem with configuring/resolving dependencies/installing some basic software like a music player. It's really hard to do this in my spare time when it can be so unfulfilling, hopefully things get better soon...


I've always had success figuring it out because there was a sense of gratification with it working. In fact, the second I stop having that to work on and things got comfy, I got bored and hopped distros usually, or just restarted.


yeah that makes sense honestly. I dont like to say that cause i feel needy and like dependent but i just want the people close to me to love me and think good of me.


What's your distro? Some are a pain in the ass to work on, especially if you're new.


I think I'm wasting my youth. I'm 18 years old, but have spent nearly all of my free time the past few years on unproductive internet browsing. At one point I enjoyed it, but now I do it out of habit, and because nothing else I try is more enjoyable. I had friends once, but that was over four years ago and I've forgotten how to make friends or relate to people since. My passion is music, but I've met people with similar music taste to me and there was no spark even though they were okay people.

I understand this is trivial compared to most of your issues, but if I keep putting off this problem, I know it'll only grow larger until I can't fix it anymore.


Don't get me wrong, it's satisfying when I get things working, but when I'm stuck on an issue for too long the frustration tends to outweigh the satisfaction.

I'm using fedora, from what I've heard/experienced this distro really doesn't require anything too advanced or challenging of the user but I'm somehow managing to struggle with it.


Not really what I mean. I've always been ahead of other people and now that's being exploited. I just want to program, but I have to get into all this management nonsense.


Too depressed to live, too much of a dirty coward to jump.

Eh, at least it can't get any worse.


Don't say that anon, it can always get worse


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The struggle itself is enough to fill a man's heart. I did not choose to live, but I have come to love what was thrust upon me.

I reckon Sisyphus happy.


Struggle doesn't make man happy, but alive. Man needs struggle more than air or water, for he can live without these two for a while, and struggle to get them - but without struggle, problems to solve, man is broken. Hence why prosperity usually ends in war, and why those sheltered of all danger and difficulty end up seeking them out.


Why does like almost every single person crave companionship? I do understand it for most people, but even individuals that are generally loners and don't seem to like people in general, nor do they enjoy being sociable/care about others do still seem to want to have a partner/friends, and are being extremely bothered with lack of any, when the most reasoable possition would just be to not force any relationships, since it's not working for the person, nor does the pursuit/goal even satisfy the person.

The most obvious examples are the loveshies and people on the spectrum in general. These individuals do usually prefer doing activities on their own and other people generally seem to be more of a bother than an asset, however, even then there seems to be something that just makes them want to be sociable and accepted even though it just doesn't make sense/work for them and merely brings woes to their life.

I guess it's not even a question at this point, since the conclusion arises naturally and it's that there seems to be something innate in humans that makes them want to belong and have interactions with other people that doesn't relate to much of anything else and is present even if it doesn't benefit a person on any level. I just personally don't understand it at all, I just can't really make much sense of it.


It's getting too hard to it together. I cried myself to sleep and woke up crying. Managed to hide crying in plain sight though.


Some people in those categories want friends or a girl/boyfriend but don't get along with the people they seem to meet. The more time they spend alone the more they retreat into a fantasy of what friendship or love "should" be without realizing that even at its best there are still problems. This perpetuates their delusion of waiting for the "real thing" and they fall further and further inside their own anuses.


I don't and I don't either understand why sooo many people are worked up about it either.
I don't get it, I don't understand >tfwnogf, if anything it seems really cumbersome to have to deal not only with your own character weaknesses but with someone else's as well...


one of my best friends before the break after has been really distant with me. Shes being way too nice and quiet with me too Is it normal for it to be like this after like a month break? Will things go back to normal soon? We sat there for one time and said nothing to eachother. Its only been a few days but still.

I keep feeling like i should do something but I dont know what and i dont know if maybe she doesnt want to talk to me or maybe shes depressed. its always hard to imagine her having problems cause shes always been the bigger of the two of us, which is why things have been so awkward. She always used to be the one who started up stuff with me I never had to like seek her out or ask her to go somewhere with me or try to talk to her. Shes really one of the few things and people in this world that matter to me, im pretty depressed too its hard for me to be the one to get things in a better mood and this has been destroying me. I just want my fuarrrking friend back, I go to bed and wake up depressed every day and have maybe one or two good hours. Why does soykaf have to be like this, im trying to be strong ive got all this school stuff and I cant focus. None of the advice im getting is helping to do this or do that or think positive because doing any of those things makes me worrry about losing track of my friend.

I dont want to annoy her by asking are u okay questions. im not okay myself she knows that and probably wouldnt want to come to me for help anyways. I love her very much and I want her to be back to herself, I need her to for my own sake. Shes what kept me grounded, shes kind of abusive maybe but I actually want that back, that helped me too and it showed me she cared and was feeling something. Id do anything for her to just hit me or punch me, if shes angry or upset she should know she can take it out on me. Id take that any day over her being like this. Shes always saying she hates people being crybabies and stuff and how she doesnt have time to be depressed so why is this happening. jammit I really just want to die at this point while the memory of the good times is still vivid but I promised myself and god I wouldnt. Theres a bunch of other personal soykaf that has me down and I was really hoping coming back from the break and seeing her would cheer me up enough to deal with my soykaf. Instead its been alienating. Its just the final straw is all.


Finished highschool last spring and started working with my father because I didn't feel comfortable staying around the house doing nothing and seeing them going to work everyday, we pretty much cut branches that are overgrown carry and dump over at a container, it's almost a whole mile walk to get to the container and another to get so it gets really tiring, they usually delay the payment for almost 25 days, but I don't really mind since I don't have any urgent expenses, I broke my hand by slipping on some wet steps and now my bone the metacarpal on my pinkie got slightly bent upwards, it restrains the movement a little but nothing to intense. I realized that the course that I wanted on college is not available where I live, and my parents cannot afford a place for me where the course is available, after searching around for a little bit, since I'm an immigrant without a permanent nationality I can't run for a scholarship, and I really don't want to continue on this job, it's so cold this time of the year.


I have AIDS.

The thing is I've had way more sex now, than when I didn't. Should probably stop but I don't feel like it.


You better be making this clear to your partners. If not, realize that you are taking these people's lives away.


I am terribly lonely.

I don't think I'll ever have the friends I wish I had.


I'm going to assume that Lain is now having sex with other AIDSy people and that the people in those circles no longer give a f*ck and just screw each other constantly.


I finally saw a therapist on Tuesday. He seemed like a nice, experienced man, and he seemed to be familiar with my problem a bit, but he told me each week I'll mostly just be venting. I do that all the time on the internet and it only helps temporarily. If I see him only an hour each week, I'll probably progress pretty slowly. That's an upsetting thought considering I put so much hope in simply starting therapy.

Has it helped any of you out?


The transmission risk is actually pretty low via sex but yeah you really can't get more AIDS than well, regular AIDS I guess. Other than that, if it comes up yeah I make it clear but it's not something I would start a conversation with.

>hey how's it goi--



Im in a fuarrrked up situation and I need some help. Ive vented about this a lot here because i keep realizing new things. In short came to college a neet pretty much, made one of the best friends I ever had and she was actually someone cool not somebody who was into anime and vg like i was before. I started to get into things she was into and realized all the fun i was missing out on. We started spending all day together 24/7 even skipping class sometimes to lay in bed together. Things got a little sexual between us by her doing, and she I guess did sexually abuse me quite a bit (she never raped me I let her do everything and at least i personally could never say a girl raped me but she liked to hurt me while being intimate). I ended up falling in love with her but was scared to tell her and lose my best friend. She stopped being touchy and sleeping with me at some point and I couldnt take it anymore and told her and just asked her not to stop being my friend at least and she said of course I will be your friend still I dont ditch my friends and she said it wasnt the first time it happened. Reason why we couldnt go forward with it was racial differences and also im probably just not like man enough I guess. The next weeks leading up to break we started getting to a normal state again but things were obv a bit different. During month break we never saw eachother even though she said we would. Come back and shes super distant with me, we have a class together and we dont even talk to eachother in it hardly.

Its fuarrrking me up cause I finally found someone I could count on. I dont open up easily this was a big deal. I stopped thinking about suicide wasnt depressed. She was one of few people I actually learned something from, this was the first time I was the one who wanted more to learn more. Shes the only person I want to spend time with that isnt fuarrrking stupid and talks about dumb soykaf, but now she wont talk to me at all hardly. What fuarrrks me up isnt all directly its that happens is I picture in my head a silent world without her and it terrifies me and fills me with an overwhelming sense of dread. I picture a sunny day in the city and a breeze blowing and im just walking no one to connect with like I did with her again. Or sometimes I picture being with my not super close friends and feeling like an outcast while they talk about stuff I couldnt care less about.

I dont really have a strong family attatchment anymore, my homes moved so much I have no place I feel at home except for in her room or when shes with me in bed which isnt gonna happen anymore. Nothing makes me happy hardly. I wake up depressed go to bed depressed and at most have 2 hours out of the day where im not depressed. Im starting to get into the I dont give a fuarrrk mindset but at the same time I do give a fuarrrk. Im thinking about doing a bunch of illegal stuff but its hard to see things as me vs the world anymore when the best time I had was a result of me opening up . And the world in my head I had built up before got flipped upside down and I cant retreat there anymore. Ive thought about killing myself, ive thought about getting arrested. Im thinking about seeing a therspist and maybe getting on some depression medication but all my life ive said that soykafs pussy and that the medication just fuarrrks you up. I dont know how to deal with this, can the relationship be saved? Does it just need time? The thought of cutting it off terrifies me like nothing in the world, making it official that im not her friend if that day must come will fuarrrking ruin me. Did she fuarrrk me up? Was I already fuarrrked up? How do I live with the fact that someone I respect love and look up to so much may have ended up hurting me? I dont want to destroy myself even more, and bringing her down in my mind means bringing myself down because shes a part of me now. Im lost.


well, umm, being hiv+ and having sex with other hiv+ is second stupiest thing you can do. Because you know, hiv+ is a virus, and they mutate kinda quickly as fuarrrking god, so there's a very high risk of overcontamination which will fuarrrk you up even more, because you will have not one, but two types of hiv


You're right but I can imagine being in that position myself and just not caring to extend my life. Like the junkie or alcoholic who's organs are so shot the doctor gives him 6 months to live. Why stop consuming at that point?


What's this from, searching it up yielded no clear answer.


File: 1485485225871.png (25.18 KB, 200x91, 6.png)

> picture of Schopenhauer
> literally first result on google

what are ya doing, m80?


honestly, therapy wasn't all that useful for me. probably because it was with a pill pusher.

what did help though was when i volunteered for this social anxiety study and had to undergo a full psychiatric evaluation. they gave me a diagnosis that wasn't just "depression." understanding why i was the way i am helped a lot more than just talking.


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I've hated myself for a long time. Sometimes irrationally, sometimes for good reason. In my 18 years of existence, I've never personally met anyone smarter than me; why, then, did I fail so badly at school? It's because I'm a lazy bastard who can't bring himself to do work.
Why was I born wrong? I can't lift more than 30 pounds without risking tearing or unnecessary wear on my shoulder's joint/connective tissue. My social skills are laughable, to the point that self-deprecation is my go-to comedy. Why can't I hold empathy for people? Gore/torture/death posts, on some level, turn me on. Not sexually, but there's this... rush that I feel. Like murder may be fun after all.
Yes, I'm polite. Some who know me well may describe me as kind. I know the truth: it's just a front to fool people. even myself, from thinking I'm not a monster. My dad thinks I've improved an incredible amount since this time last year when I graduated early, so why do I have the feeling that I'm no different?
At this point, I'm not entirely sure if I'll survive the next 30 years. Death doesn't seem like a bad option for now; I'm just holding out for a few dreams of mine, like seeing Berserk to the end or purchasing a Bughatti in cash. I dunno. On one hand, I'd feel bad for squandering my latent potential. On the other, it's not like it'd matter in the grand scheme of things. I'm gonna live how I see fit just for the hell of it.

Dropping my all-time favorite song while I'm at it.


It was a while ago when I searched, and I just remembered not finding it. Maybe I just didn't see wikipedia and wrote it off as a fake quote, who knows. I'm dumb.


>In my 18 years of existence, I've never personally met anyone smarter than me
>so why do I have the feeling that I'm no different?
Because your problem is immaturity. You really aren't different, and you're not way smarter than every as you believe.
This is a mentality that a lot of people, including my self hold when they are young, it's due to a number of things.

I believe on some level you realize this, because like you said, you have a feeling you are no different.

Realize that every one has soykaf they are going through, and you are not smarter than them. Figure out why you feel so superior, because I promise you you aren't.

>Gore/torture/death posts, on some level, turn me on. Not sexually,

Are you absolutely sure this is not on any level a sexual thing? Because it's not uncommon to see weird sexual things as just that, weird, and to want to have them and missapropirate them as a whole other feeling. That's not necisarrily the case, but I'd bet a small sum of cash it is.
I know I've dealt with some not-so good fetishes it took me a while to come to terms with.

Hope you are doing well, lainon.


i guess you are kinda right, maybe that lainanon can't afford therapy or something(it is available and it will extend your lifespan to near-normal length, i don't know about the costs, but i don't think it's cheap)

you sound like me when i was 16, that wasn't a fun time. I'd rather not remember it. In my opinion, to snap out of it, you need something strong to kick you when you are at your lowest point.


College student going on 3rd year, I look like soykaf, im broke and not social at all. The only positive thing i have is having good grades. Most people only get close to me to get help on academics and stuff except for a few close friends. I hate uni life.


>I look like soykaf, im broke and not social at all.

These are all things you could well improve.
>I look like soykaf
For almost everyone this is just a matter of taking care of yourself.
Too skinny? Eat more and excercise.
Too fat? Eat less and excercise.
Get a haircut, take at least half an hour a day to take care of your look and you're good.


>Third year college student
You should be able to find something

>not social at all

Get yourself into social contexts more frequently.
Experience helps. You're not retarded.

> I hate uni life.

I hate student life (muh booze and girls), but I love uni life.


Ill be spending my birthday alone again like last year. Except this time i wont even get cards from my family.


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I always used to be very insecure about my intelligence.

I got into the best university in the world this month.

I still feel stupid. I feel like a fraud around my (much smarter) friends and my self-esteem is still terrible. I thought that if I got into my dream uni I would feel better about myself - in fact I think I feel even worse now.



Happy birthday ricky


I am secretly happy to see the US become American again (yes, I am aware that Trump is their leader). Tho if anyone asks, I'd just say the usual response: oh poor ____ they shouldn't have done that, etc. But deep down I support the extreme measures he's taking.


You're not alone, m80


he's not really doing anything extreme though.



Thank you, Dujour, you're a good friend.


I got a new game system recently, but I still feel empty inside. It's been so long since I've had fun playing video games that I can't remember how it felt. It was thrilling to purchase the system, but the real pleasure wore off a few days after ordering it. Now the thing works well as a way to pass time, but that's it.

I really hope the rest of my life isn't as mediocre as my youth has been.


>Live in a world with all kinds of possibilities
>Waste youth wallowing in your own apathy


There are possibilities but I don't enjoy trying things out now. Reading books or making songs is expending energy with no return. I don't have a car or money so I can't go do things outside of school, but when I can, I still feel the same. I went to the museum and got upset because I didn't enjoy the art, I joined some clubs and talked to people but didn't enjoy that. People on the internet tell me I'm making excuses but I can't see what I'm doing wrong. Mental disorders run in both sides of my family, and the last few years made me lose respect for all of them. It makes sense that I feel soykafty now, but I don't know what to do about it.


You actually sound a lot lke me a few years ago. It didn't go away and I basically gave up. Now I'm a born again NEET (with no parents) and not even able to afford internet, sitting on a shopping mall bench for the free wifi and getting blasted by sh*tty music from three different sources.


you have no idea how much it disgusts me that you still soykaf post and stalk (each other) trucky
don't get this confused with jealousy that would imply I feel something for you besides disgust.


I am sorry OP, but his came to mind:


In just one weekend:
-I fuarrrked up a repair and now I'm without a laptop for next week
-A chick I was into lost interest in me/stopped responding
-I have fuarrrkton of work to do so I don't have any time to decompress

How do you deal with stress lainons? My usual method of aimless wallowing feels really inefficient and I don't really have the time for it at the moment.


I'm pretty sure no one actually cares about any political business. They just want to be entertained.

It wouldn't be too bad if I could pretend to be all for the lulz, but I can't. And I think the simple fact of it is is that I just find this brand of humor to be not only unfunny, but boring to accomplish. There's no effort put into it. And that isn't even that bad compared to the fact that people think they're some sort of mastermind when in reality it's pretty easy to figure out what it is that causes people to cry the tears they so want. If my 14 year old self can pull it off than anybody can.

Maybe in the end, I've just actually grown up despite still watching cartoons or something.


>I'm pretty sure no one actually cares about any political business. They just want to be entertained.

And just maybe, politics actually affects where people can live or work, how much they can get paid, what activities are and are not legal, and it really isn't just entertainment at all.


You seem to misunderstand me. I know that politics are important. It's just that there are just far too many trolls out there who treat it as a joke, they only really care about provoking the other side without taking into consideration the consequences. I'm really interested in talking about politics, but what's the use if all people do is get their meme on?


That's the tricky part about politics; "trolling" is hard to distinguish from genuine political argument, especially on the internet. In reality even if not everyone cares, everyone acknowledges it with different results. As age goes by, the difference between irony and sincerity gets thinner only if you aren't actively paying attention to what you're reading/listening to.

If you're referring to a troll as someone that picks a side only to attack (or defend from) the other side, that's how political parties work in a nutshell. Just spitting rhetoric without personal questioning or regard to how coherent your ideas are? That's called Party Loyalty, and earns you respect among the peers on your side if you are working in politics. Discussing the balance of power, problems, solutions, and geopolitics is the fascinating part of politics but many people are too busy or entrenched in their social circles to talk honestly about those thing. Every political party will discuss and solve those issues through their own means, deliver those solutions in a package to the public, to which the party members will agree unwaveringly as long as those solutions protect them. For all you know, a person could dismiss every political view outside of theirs as a troll/fake/stupid PoV; something that existed before chemistry.

Discussing politics online is more difficult than ever; i personally don't advise it. If you really want to, just focus on your message instead of getting yourself frustrated with others sincerity.

And you actually misunderstood >>9922 . Look at that post from another angle; This is how someone that can't avoid the invasion of political discourse feels.


I think it's just my own idealized vision of what I had to believe what political discourse should be had be broken and I'm just having a hard time accepting reality.

And you're right I did misunderstand that post. I think I seriously just need to take a break from all the political bullsoykaf.


The other day, I was looking through Youtube for videos with people speaking Shanghainese, because I really like the sound of that particular dialect. I found this video (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ECZoGQLWeM&) and I thought the girl was really cute, so I explored the rest of her channel.

All her videos are really badly sung covers of pop songs. They're all done in her bedroom, which is full of YA books and schoolwork. But what really got me was the simple joy that she took from singing and dancing along and recording it and posting in on Youtube for strangers to watch. She's so unpretentious and sincere about it, even though she's got 9 subscribers and all her videos get like 50 hits. There's a video where she cheerfully announces "In 2017, I'll be making 1 video a week just for you guys!" I guess she just really, really likes singing along to pop songs. Nowadays, when everything has to be some sort of post-modern ironic referential maymay her naive passion is amazing to watch.

I just want to email her and encourage her (even though her singing is so bad oh god) and tell her that life is going to be great. But she didn't put any contact info on her profile, and Googling her username gives no results. So I shall continue watching her videos from afar, quietly cheering her on, and always wishing I could be that enthusiastic about something again.

Her channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCK4Qm1-8p7I1n-nm_Nx01FQ


I am angry, because an old bag told me it was illegal to stuff goods I want to buy into my backpack for transportation. Who the fuarrrk does she think she is, teaching me how to sort my soykaf. I had a bad day to begin with (like pretty much every day), but now I just want to punch something. I will probably end up drinking again, as this is the way I usually deal with aggression, sadness, fear, all the uncomfy feelings. fuarrrk this gay earth and fuarrrk me.


buy a punching bag. Or play something really violent.


>Nowadays, when everything has to be some sort of post-modern ironic referential maymay

I hate this so much. It's especially hard because I don't know if someone is actually being serious or not and for someone like me who has been dealing with communication issues it's a nightmare.


I took one look at her and as soon as she started speaking I knew she was Canadian, which she confirmed a moment later (I am too but anglo/white). She does seem really sweet, and more than a little eccentric. I'd like to have her as a neighbour or something.


Shes really depressed I just found out and its this in combination with not really caring about me anymore. Our daily interaction is me asking her if she needs anything over text. Then I knock on the door shes usually not wearing much and the room is completely dark with just the TV glowing in the background. She takes the food and says thanks and closes the door. She leaves her room to go to class thats it. If nobody brought her food she wouldnt eat possibly. She reminds me of like a feral animal almost right now.

how far has she fallen, the person that used to be my source of hope and happiness and guidance. The only one who I saw as strong and invincible and perfect is now in such a state.


I left a comment telling her she's cute. I'm going to steal her from you.


Like Harvard ? MIT ? Stanford ? Congrats, dude.

One thing I had to come to terms with recently was the fact that I will never be a genius like Gauss, someone like Carmack, or, I don't know, most musicians I love.
All of them were working on meaningful stuff when I was just drinking booze and browsing imageboards at the same age, like I actually do right now.
I was hailed as gifted when I was a child, and yeah, I had an above-average intelligence, it was easier for me to grasp new concepts compared to most kids.
I could blame my single mother, my family, society (see Bourdieu) and some of my teachers for not always having done what was the best for me to fulfill that potential, but it's too late and it doesn't matter ultimately.
I wish I could be an eternal uni student, but I'm still glad I have learnt some what I learnt there, and can show some genuine appreciation for intellectually-stimulating soykaf when I want, can and care.
I hope I will get my soykaf together one day and contribute to something cool for humankind as a whole before I die, but in someway, just being an audience for the more intelligent people and what they have to offer can be also nice, in the sense that you help them in a not completely passive way.

And don't worry, I'm pretty sure you are more intelligent than me.


"Lucky panties?" Really?


t. anyone sane who gets into those sorts of universities

you'll soon understand that you'll find idiots anywhere and especially near places that bestow social status on people.


Ever since you left my life has been getting better. Random things happen every day that seem to be in my favour. It feels like the universe is telling me that this is right ...Yet every time something good happens my instinct is to tell you about it. But you're gone now. I think you're gone forever. It's so different now.


my last relationship was with a kinda hood girl. Im white and not hard or anything it was just by chance. Now though I want that again. It was the funnest relationship and because she was so tough i never worried about hurting her. The thing is I feel like im not man enough or strong enough sometimes, so i keep doing worse soykaf to try and build myself up. Am I just trying to replace what I had or is this really my type (which is opposite to what i thought was my type).


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i'm so done with trying to do soykaf to impress others (namely, potential employers)
i work full time while also attending graduate school full time. why did i bust my ass for 60-80hr weeks last semester to get a 4.0 for HR to trashbin my resume without even looking at any of the projects i devoted the majority of my free time towards?
it's really frustrating when i know what i want to do but all of the paths towards that goal seem to be closing.
i just want to quit my job, but it would be irrational to do so when there are no guarantees i'll be able to get something better with my graduate degree as evidenced by my lack of success in finding internships. maybe i'm shooting too high but it also doesn't make sense to quit for an internship at a lower tier tech company than the one i'm at now. i am confident in my own competence but have no clue what these people want to prove it to them. the metrics for success (salary, prestige) are unfulfilling but i'm too much of a pussy to cast off the shackles of wageslavery and societal expectations in order to be happy


The part I needed laptop arrived way earlier than it should have and the chick texted back. Everything's coming up milhouse!


going through a bad time because of a girl, i really liked/like her, and as far i know she liked me now she's refusing to talk to me, (we went on a date and i didn't go well) maybe she's mad at me, maybe its something else, i don't know what i got to say is ...

I DON'T NEED HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I told this girl that I liked her because I got this gut feeling that people call love and I hadn't felt it for a while, she is very easygoing and other things but that's not the point.

I don't think that she will respond to my feelings but thats ok, the other reason why I liked her is because she is 17 and I thought that she wouldn't have a lot of relationship experience like myself.

But then yesterday I was drinking with a friend and I told him that I was flirting with her and he told me nonchalantly that they fuarrrk from time to time.

For some reason I felt like an idiot, why is everyone sleeping with everyone and I never get invited. I wish that I wasn't such an autist because the fault is with me I don't know how to flirt and be romantic.


And the other thing is that I don't have a Facebook and it seems that approaching and making plans through other means is creepy and girls find you weird for not having one.


IIRC, Google is notorious for awful HR and they often just completely dismiss applications without even looking. Part of it is that they often subject their programmers to doing HR and they're obviously not too pleased to do that. It's partly justified given the massive amount of applications they get.

I'd still be pissed to given the amount of effort you've given. fuarrrk it though. Be angry and get past it. What else can you do? Giving up is an option but we know you won't do that.


I can't deal with failures. Every time I do something wrong or make a mistake I start to think about it over and over. The worst part is I don't take any lessons from those mistakes and often make them again because I don't pay enough attention and I have problems with concentration.

Because of that I can't really start learning any new skills for real. At first failure I tend to think that apparently that's not for me and simply I give up. I hate it but I don't really know how to change it. I am fully aware that mistakes are a part of life and everybody makes them, even the best of us but I can't stand that the thought of failure and it kills me from inside. Acctually it's the main reason that for the past 10 years I usually stay at home and waste time on the net. I can't even play video games like when I was a kid so I simply watch some soykaf videos or "funny" pictures because you can't fail at that.


Every day, I spend at least ten minutes wondering whether I'm dead, and this is Hell.


Today I finally got the better of this woman who always complains that I am negative, that I am a pessimist. I said to her, "You'd like to believe me the unhappiest person in the world, but I think you'll find quite the opposite. My life is great, and I've been very happy, and only because my pessimism allows me to avoid misery. I can recognize a bad situation, honestly assess the risks, and make the right call. Optimists only set themselves up for disappointment. Everything I do goes better than expected." She finally shut up. fuarrrk you HR.



(tl;dr talk to anyone about it; counsellor, professors etc. it's a lot better than letting it build and these people have experience in this)
this thinking is understandable especially if you're in an environment full of other people as smart as you, but remember that even if you're average in your circle of friends, the people on the other end of the application process placed you above nearly every other person applying; whether the others were geniuses or dunces, that university considered your passion for (and aptitude in) academia to be above all of them.

it should go without saying but you're suffering from imposter syndrome. everyone competing in a competitive academic environment feels the same (such as the 'best university in the world', or the place that got you there), given that everyone's got their niche in knowledge and ability, and nobody is omniscient (or really even that knowledgeable outside of 2 or so disciplines). the only people that consider themselves faultlessly smart are narcissists.


just talk to other people about it. keeping it to yourself only gives you more time to come up with more excuses for it. if your current place of study has a (free?) campus counsellor go to them and talk, it's a free privilege you might as well take that a lot of people would kill for.



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I no longer want to play video games.

This would not be a problem at all, but all of my friends are people whom I met through online video games, and whom I only interact with over the Wired.

Because of this, I feel an intense loneliness whenever I attempt any sort of immersive* activity, which prevents me from enjoying what I'm doing and usually makes me go back to wasting time browsing the web or playing video games.

I don't know how to make new friends, and my social skills are not very good. I find that I don't have much in common with anyone I try to start a conversation with because of my lack of interest in what I spent most of the last several years doing, and since I don't have much depth of knowledge or relatable experiences/stories in most other topics of interest.

* "immersive" being the best word I could think of on short notice. In general, it refers to anything that require a flow state (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flow_(psychology) ), most often for learning about some topic. Most normal users would mistakenly describe it as "feeling productive", but much of what I am trying to describe with this wording is outside the scope of actually producing things, of course.


File: 1486078853802.png (45.88 KB, 200x127, Space-Oddity.jpg)

Chris Hadfield the Canadian astronaut says that a sort of progressive negative thinking got him through his very adventurous life. Seeing every possible thing that can go wrong so he'd be prepared if it ever happened, even if most of it didn't. Not to dwell on the negatives but just in case.

If anyone calls him a pessimist he can always say yeah but I was commander of the space station and you weren't, so there.


i just want her back for fuarrrks sake. i knew we couldnt be together anymore but she never said shed just treat me like a stranger now. i just wanted things to go back to the way they were. i dont care if she hit me or kicked me id let her do worse id shed just take me back, i wouldnt have cared if she killed me, that would have been my ideal way to die. i just wanted to die next to her thats all i ever wanted. i dont know what keeps me from throwing myself off this building. i keep trying to be more like her and what she wanted in hopes il meet people similar. but our meeting was chance, i know il never have another one like it. she made the world make so much sense, even now i text her for advice and when she responds everything is clear. but shes so distant now. its like god, no matter how much i do what she says and love her with all my heart i never feel any closer.


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I'm miserable, and I don't know how to fix it. I'm not even sure if I want to. I feel myself drifting away from other people and society relying on the good charity of my family to keep me fed as I lie catatonic on my bed for hours on end, on my side staring at an arm, wondering why I stopped functioning. My dreams, grand dreams they were, seem to be slipping away the longer I spend in this agony. I've tried medication, meditation, exercise, diet, therapy, the whole troupe of ailment easers, but nothing seems to work. Simple tasks are getting harder and harder. I exist in a haze of semiconsciousness, and my friends and family, what little is left, seems to be increasingly worried. I wonder if I'm destined to live out my life in the loony bin or on the streets after my parents meet their end. And I'm beginning to be afraid of the shadows and the random bumps in the night.


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Have you tried Western Civilization?


I understand you well. I am wasting most of my time, unable to do anything and I don't have idea why I am like that and when that happend. I used to be full of energy, plans and ambitions but now it's all gone. The only strenght I have left I use to maintain the illusion that everything is fine so my family is not worried. I don't want them to know how fuarrrked up I am because I know they have a lot of problems right now and I don't want to be another burden. All I can do is smile and pretend that everything will be alright


What do you mean by this?


for the past weeks now it seems like everyday I get up feeling something different. Stuck between trying to please the people around me, be someone better, yet keep who i am; not give a fuarrrk but give a little about the important soykaf.

texted my old best friend/girlfriend that left me for the first time in awhile, not even about her because im getting over it. i realize we just are like strangers that can count on eachother for soykaf now and then. no i just wanted some advice cause second semester of college and everyones so serious now I feel like I can't be myself. asked her if i needed to grow up or its everyone elses problem and she told me it was the first. So i've been keeping busy with school and soykaf but fuarrrk even i get lonely sometimes and my fuarrrking roomate thinks im his best friend even though i keep making it clear im not and its draining to be in this room with him talking at me like we have a connection when the one thing im missing is a real connection with somebody cause i lost one of the only ones i had. sitting here nodding my head trying to get absorbed in my work while hes pulling me out talking at me about movies i dont give a soykaf about and if ive ever seen this video or that video and i just say yes so he doesnt show me but then he starts asking me questions about the videos for fuarrrks sake. Id love to just lock myself up and hide but I can't even do that apparently, im just in fuarrrking limbo.

i feel like everyones expecting all this stuff of me and telling me to grow up but ive literally always told myself my life would be over once im grown. when i think of having some boring ass life in the future where im all excited about my job in computer science it makes me sick and i wanna barf and i feel like im wasting my time. im not done having fun yet but ive got no one to have fun with anymore. i think of a future where im 40 got a nice job living in a middle class house got my white blond haired blue eyed wife that i secretly beat because i hate her cause i dont even like white girls but i got stuck with one because i was so desperate for a connection and i come to find out i dont even like her and i realize i made a mistake. is this uncertainty what growings up all about?

i used to have so much fun just walking around the city and it was so exciting now its just depressing. i cant even be fuarrrked to listen to homeless people anymore or give them a dollar. used to be easy to talk with my friends cause we were always doing soykaf together now im so out of the loop all i can do is talk about my roomates and how i want to live somewhere else i feel like a broken record. nobodies interested in the soykaf i like but i dont even like the people interested in the soykaf im into. guess that means i hate myself but im trying not to. i mean soykaf i dont even think im depressed anymore. used to have trouble eating now i suck up food like a vacuum and i get up early and go to bed on a good time and i get my vitamins and minerals and i drink my water and i go for my walks and i smile at people and i hold the door for strangers and ive been trying to get back into contact with old friends and ive been reading the bible and ive been going to class on time and doing my homework and not getting high everyday and not getting fuarrrked up every weekend cause ive got no one to do it with and i try to keep positive. but ultimately at the end of the day I think deep down though I cant see it yet I know who i am and i know who i was and i know what i dont want to be and im afraid of becoming it.

in short fuarrrk everything.


oh and some advice for the people who used to be in the same situation i was in: it doesnt matter for soykaf how much you take care of yourself or how normal you can be. I know everyone who sees me now probably notices this transition where i went from a grimy kid to maybe something more but it was only ever for the only person i had a real connection with. hell sure maybe im more attractive now, maybe i dont feel ugly now, but at the end of the day the sorts of people i attract i still dont feel close to. the way i see it, to the sort of people that visit this site, your only ever gonna have a small amount of good connections so treasure them while they last, and i dont mean to be political but youve got no room for prejudice when it comes to making friends. Make friends where your able. also careful if you wish for, if you love something let it go, love yourself before anybody else, dont change who you are for anybody, and more generic advive that i used to make fun of but now am desperately trying to fully understand and follow.


i dont enjoy what i used to anymore

i dont know if being a wageslave is what i want, maybe going to college and getting a job arent for me, but there arent many choices either

i despise holidays
why should we feel happy and at peace with ourselves for so little time and then throw all of this happiness we achieved off the board and start to feel sad and stressed out again?

i should make some exercise

although i realized such thing long ago, i finally believe it when i say it to myself: i dont need a "romantic" companion to feel happy

i want to know myself and what to do with my life, but i have no idea of how to do that


did you used to have a partner or have had one that left? just curious cause sometimes i feel like i do need one to be happy cause my happiest times were with one and just wondering if you feel the same and how you dealt with that.


not the one you've asked but i can definitely relate to the notion of needing a partner to be happy. i guess this becomes first apparent if you've lost such a companion. for me, life's been pretty meaningless since then. it would be great to live for myself but i don't like me enough for that or see the point. but i'll play the drama for some time longer. life's pretty unpredictable. the next meaning of life might come around any second ... or not.


Generic post winter whine about having no real friends or sense of belonging.

Bullsoykaf aside, even though things should be better for me i feel more anxious than ever.
Or atleast its what i try to think, i have been living on the edge for so long i cant tell whats better/worse anymore.
All i know is i suffer horribly and recently my feeling of isolation seems to have worsened in addition to my suicidal urges.
I have totally no idea what to do in real life.


yeah. i mean if its any comfort to your situation its getting better for me and im starting to find myself after a month or two now. i try to just think of it as a blessing or something as fuarrrked up as that is. maybe i needed this to grow, maybe il be a better more stable person for it in the future.

but of course i wouldnt have posted that question if I still didnt feel incomplete.


if i can see perfection and have faith in an imperfect human being who has now abandoned me, i can have faith in a perfect god thats done the same . my back and chest hurt because of this burden of sadness anger and hurt, and id love to die but i know i must go on.

il die being murdered, ive never been wrong about the stuff i predicted would happen in my life. and itl happen when im happy again finally and loved which is honestly perfect. Il be remembered as happy and a beautiful person, il die at my best.


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I've been fighting my pedophilia after 7 years now. this mind disorder one day concerned me because of the thoughts of what will happen when my first child will be born, I will be a monster.

I have never harm anyone, and after so much self meditation and re configuring my mind now I feel a lot more relax while I am surrounded by kids

Im proud of this that I am destroying one of my demons alone without no one around me knowing


Good for you lainon, i wish you luck


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I was going to write a post exactly like this, thanks for doing it for me.

I remember when I had my first relationship ages ago, after that for a long time it just felt like I was living girl to girl. :\

Now though things are starting to change, I've been alone for 6 or 7 months and I can feel myself inventing ways to live for myself it feels good man. You'll find your path.


yeah one thing i think is important to is to not blame yourself too much. its easy to get wrapped up in someone and when you start to learn new behaviours and unlearn stuff you used to do you sort of think everything they do is right and you become afraid of making decisions on your own. trust yourself before anyone else. thats been helping me at least.

its funny it always seems like everyone on this board is going through the same things at the same time. maybe its just a bias but still.



Thank you for approaching this problem this way. I truly wish you the best of luck in overcoming it.

Don't let yourself fall into anything. Porn, real or drawn, looking at kids, anything. I am sorry that you have this issue, but as a... victim, of sorts, please please never take any action. The innocence of the child is worth more than your life at that point. I don't think you would, but it's important to remember.

I believe you can do it because you have chosen to try.


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The feelings are gone, even the attraction is gone. I'm just irritated and tired by her all the time. The thought of briefly living together in June is exhausting to me.

And /feels/, I'm scared the love isn't going to come back.

If this is just a phase then great, hopefully I don't piss her off with coldness too much through it. But if it isn't. If I really am done.
If she was the perfect girl at one time, and she was exactly what I needed, but I'm not that guy any more?


I made a lot of promises in the hopes that things wouldn't change.
Or if they did, at least that they'd have a cause, something would happen or something would be said.
I didn't just think love would wilt.

I tend to it every day. She doesn't.
Maybe I'm just tired of not getting anything out of this.


So i wasnt even looking for it and i hate self diagnosing but i found out about this thing called codependency. Its a mental problem where you become completely reliant on others views of you and especially a partners. All the symptoms and how one acquires it all fit me exactly. im positive i have this. They say children forced into a caretaker role often develop it, and because my dad died at a young age i often felt responsible for my mom especially because she was depressive.

the thing is im scared of changing some of the things im supposed to in order to fix this. The thing that brings me the most joy is doing things for other people, i like being almost like a servant to someone. and i do always want validation thats why i post here. and when i think of what i want out of my next relationship i just want someone who will hurt me. i enjoy getting hurt and when someone doesnt hurt me i do it to myself especially as punishment for something ive done i think is bad. And i enjoy the fact that i enjoy these things.

thinking of being in a relationship where im equal to the other person seems impossible and like it will require so much effort. hell it all seems so impossible. like i will have to take 20 steps back in order to make 10 steps forward that will eventually in the future lead me to a better place. And im scared of being normal i guess, my worst fear is living some normal stereotypical life. i dont care if thats immature its just how i feel.

ive made so many mistakes too i wish i could start over.


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Our situations are similar though I'm the older one, looking for more.
She is spoiled, immature and very selfish.
And we already live a long way apart. Most communication is text.
When we meet, I make the effort to come to her.
We're both NEET, and I consider myself to do very little with my life, but compared to her I'm doing outstanding. Gym everyday, painting and socialising often.
She just lies there complaining to me.


I felt that way toward my ex. I thought she behaved too much like a princess, spending all days doing nothing in bed and always asking me to do little stuff that asked more effort for me than her (like picking up a bag one meter away from her or rolling her cigarettes all the time), all the fuarrrking time.
Also, our sex life started to become almost non-existent. After a while I became really tired of that soykaf. When I moved away 100km from where we lived, I was thinking about leaving her if I could find someone else.

And, well, I guess she was thinking the same thing, since she found someone else before me. She is better at sociosexual soykaf than me and I'm now a more-or-less lonely NEET in a student dorm, living in a smaller and more boring town with no true friend there.

Sometimes I miss her attitudes towards stuff that could have been a big no-no for a lot of other people, our shared acceptance of some of the most messed-up sides of the other one, the silly childish stuff we would do and the ensuing laughters, her optimism, her musical tastes, her body, her attitude toward drugs, the drunken nights with friends we had together.

And I wonder, was she the one ? Did I just needed to be more tolerant and accepting her flaws ?
I don't know. At the same time, I feel like we didn't wanted the same things, she was a bit older, and wanted someone to settle down with, and her current boyfriend was and is more willing to do that. I don't want to settle down, I'm not optimistic about the outcome of settling down with someone in my early twenties after I saw my mom's turbulent relationships.

I'm still friends with her, and I don't have much resentment towards her since I would have done the same thing if I could. Anyway, I don't know what to tell you, are you really willing to leave her ? Do you think she might be willing to do that too ?
As far as I'm concerned, I need to get my soykaf together before I can have another girlfriend.


Sorry for deleting my post, I just wanted to correct my grammar.

I don't know what to tell you. See if you can accept her ways, or if you really can't stand her manners, see if she can change.

I must admit I think Zizek's description of love is the best :
"What is love? Love is not idealization. Every true lover knows it. If you really love, a woman or a man, you don¹t idealize him or her. Love means that you accept a person with all its failures, stupidities, ugly points, and, nonetheless, the person is absolute for you, everything that makes life worth living, but you see perfection in imperfection itself. And that is how we should learn to love the world."

Do what you want with that.
I personally wonder if encountering and living the perfect love is really possible in an imperfect world and its imperfect life situations (from a human's point of view and hierachy of concerns), especially in a long term way.
Maybe it is an area where you might have to make compromises at some point.
But at same times, who need to do them ? how much compromises is acceptable ? etc.
I don't really know and I will see that when I will be romantically involved with someone later in my life hopefully.


A known problem with me is I like giving to others. But have always struggled with the concept that some people won't stop taking.


Things were going kinda well with this girl I was texting but I got stupid and pushy about meeting and now she's pissed off because she feels pressured. I feel like human garbage now and I want to give up, but I probably shouldn't.

Should I just wait a few days and text her back?


i love you guys, honestly, thank you all


Give her space for awhile and apologize.


I realize it's hard to quantify, but how long is "awhile"?


I'd say a couple of days maybe like you suggested at first.


Conventional conversations feel extremely alienating. The same topics: classes, schedules, useless professors who don't teach. I would prefer so much to just stay at home but once I go to class I can't help but feel alone. The loneliness is worsened since I still manage to desire out of sight, yet my desire feels so constricted I fear my sex drive is almost dead. No balls to ask a girl out, feel unable to compete. And I fear giving up the slight jouissance I manage with still if I were to be in a relationship.

There is so much subtext under my speech I wish I could just speak out, yet it would probably lead to even more alienation from people. I'm not sure anymore if I may ever find a partner who may stand for my lack at this point. I really long for something that would evoke me to live towards the future, excited and anxious, rather than always gazing at an improbable future, perhaps relatively comfortable, but doing like my mother, distracting myself from the repressed with soykaf work 5 days a fuarrrking 7 day week just to come back and repeat the day after. Up and down, every fuarrrking week, certain enjoyment one day, sadness the next, void, then repeat. Most of the time I just want to vanish, not so much to see how loved I am (or could be said to be), but rather to end this vain existence devoid, or better, vanish into dreams.

Who I will be in some years I know not, but I hope you can enjoy yourself better than I do.

Pardon lack of structure, but it feels better this way.



>>10065 again you're right man about getting caught up in a girls vortex. It's a great feeling when you can finally just reach out a little bit.

To get a little sappy I'm glad I have lainchan.


My only friends right now are internet friends. I have always valued friends greatly, and took great comfort in having friends I could share anything with, and always feel accepted. I have lost all my friends, as I have complained about a lot on here.

To replace them I made some internet friends recently, it wasn't my initional intention, but as I had no one to talk to I just started to talk to people more on the internet, as a result I made friends.

This scares me, not because I don't value these friends, but because of how fleeting they feel. It seems to easy to lose touch with some one instantly, or just some how lose what ever minor connection I had with them that made me enjoy talking to them. Pretty much my best friend right now is just some guy I talk to every day on the internet, and that scares me, because I know some day around the corner I will just lose touch with him, or what ever brought us together will be lost.

On top of this, I feel like I'll never make friends like I had again. I mean, surely that's proposterous, and I recognize that, but it just feels like I won't. Maybe because the only other friends I've ever known didn't last? And I don't even know how to begin to make new friends, it's scary lainons.

I'm mostly doing pretty good though, I mean, I'm lonely as all hell, but I've been doing good, and I'm sure things will be good soon :)

Hope you guys are feeling alright!


Same except not all my friends just the one I cared about most and now my other friends serve as painful reminders that they are gone and I have trouble having fun with them.

I think I ought to talk to the college counselors because I keep genuinely contemplating suicide. Il think im better for a few days and then some little thing will trigger it again.But I know the friend I lost would of thought I was a bitch for doing something like that. it was just so sudden and there was no anger or anything she just stopped talking to me. I just wish something happened a final goodbye or anything. i just feel a combination of used, abandoned, lonely, longing. i know people are sick of me talking about it which thankfully i only ever talk about it with people i know online otherwise id really be alone. Only once have i talked to a few friends about it. when im not in this depressed state i flip into a violent and apathetic self indulgent state where i just think about commiting crimes and say fuarrrk everyone. these are the good moments sadly.

she was the most important thing in my life. No one i meet from here on will know about this wonderful and horrifying person who helped me so much yet also destroyed/is destroying me. And how could someone ever do as much for me as she did, the sort of people i hung out with and met all my life were nothing like her. It was just a mistake, she wasnt my friend because of who i was but because of who she thought i was. so it wont ever happen again unless i change, and while i know i can change i cant ever change like that. that would be me being fake and trying to be something im not. All i can be is a better version of myself not someone else, and the sort of people that like me arent the people i like. Im trying to realize life isnt just about friends and love but thats hard for me cause its all i want.

I hope they find out there is something wrong with me, because if this is normal thats terrible. What a horrible existence we all live where so many people will never know happiness because they dont get that chance encounter with a person who can save them and heal their wounds.


furthermore my hobbies have stopped interesting me, i am starting to understand why. maybe partly because i lost all hobbies besides doing drugs when i was with her, she was my hobby. but its a bit more than that and is different for each.

video games make me depressed because they feel pointless to me. i dont feel like im learning anything besides how to play the video game.

going for walks makes me feel lonely. they used to be empowering almost and i really enjoyed the sights but theyve become boring to me. Also while at one point i would come back from a walk to text messages from her asking to come ober or someone now i come back to more emptiness.

Much of my music i listened to during the hard times, and it now has a bad association in my head.

drawing used to be fun but the better i get at it the less impressed I am with my progress (and im still far far from good. so im by no means hitting a cap). also i cant adequatly express some of the things im feeling in my art which makes me frustrated. So i try to get better but no matter how much i try i cant express myself right. Also the people who like my art often i have little interest in.

computer science and linux and what not, i dont like the people involved in it. I want to meet exciting fun people who will let loose and i can have fun with. not reserved shy math types or fake outgoing tech startup idiots. Even if i myself am shy and quirky and distant sometimes. its funny i used to just want to meet other fuarrrked up people in the same way as me but after her not so much anymore. I want someone who will take control of me and direct me and love me and someone i can learn something about myself from.

ive become less outgoing. while before id say hi to anyone and always left my door open and stuff i slowly have become withdrawn. Im scared of being judged again. Ive thought about getting a job and working out, il certainly do the second. But its funny the more i fill up my schedule il probably just meet less and less people. and slowly il become anti social unless i get lucky and meet another person who is miraculously interested in me and charming enough to drag me out of my shell.

at the very least while going to bed used to just make me think of how i was alone, it now brings me peace. I can at least find peace in my sleep, i hope i dont wake up tonight.


Havent had my peepee touched in like 4 years
Also am becoming fat
Cant enjoy weed anymore cause it spooks me out
Too paranoid all the time
At least i got my computer


I listened to the advice of my therapist and watched my health a bit more over the past week, with some exercise. The result is that I have more energy and motivation, and talking to people casually is much easier. On the whole, though, my interest in things hasn't come back. I've been reading The Iliad to try and get me back into literature, but it's completely uninteresting and I get nothing back for the effort I put into it. Music doesn't sound better either. Two days the past week, I had some really successful conversations with acquaintances, and I didn't feel a lot of pleasure from that.

However, there's hope. Some days ago, after getting back from a walk, I had the strangest rush of enjoyment. Random soykaf online was interesting again, the air smelled great, and playing a handheld video game had a similar magic it seemed to have as a kid. It went away after a few minutes, though, and I haven't been able to replicate it.

It's a confusing process, but staying fit and trying out new things seems like the best path. If an acquaintance reaches out to be friends with me sometime soon, I'll probably accept it. Anything's better than apathy.


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Here I find myself coming up so as to say. It really feels refreshing to be listened to when you speak to someone of intimate things you haven't told anyone. You have someone who you can trust.

However, there is a problem with this fantasy like there is to all, it can not be fulfilled, thus it will come back again to haunt. I will start psychoanalytic treatment again next week, where I can at least expound what afflicts me in depth.


I decided to hate my best friend for abandoning me in order to protect my ego. I think she abandoned me to protect hers so I dont feel bad. Its just easier this way. Somebody who was that close to me, im not keeping them in limbo. And im also not loving them if they dont love me back anymore. So the only thing left is to hate them.

Got in an argument with her over text about some dumb soykaf. Text is the only way we communicate. The argument was her fault, most people would have responded how I did but our dynamic before I would have just taken it.

How does one continue being human while loving someone who used them as a sex object and a punching bag, but then 10 times worse in my eyes abandons them. This relationship never had to be like this, if she never got touchy with me we would have stayed best friends forever. She did this, and now she leaves me because she made me into a mess and she cant fix it. Tells her friends back home about my reactions but not what she did. Well I dont need her to fix me anyways I fixed myself, I just hope she doesnt get in the way. We share some friends in common but I keep in closer touch because she cut almost everyone off so she could feel superior basically. If she ever tries to seperate me from the people I have now that would be a bad mistake, she did so much to me ive never told. She probably thinks I told everyone but I never did, only two people know we ever were a thing, and no one knows what she did to me or the worst of it. Everyone still thinks the world of her, I would have too if she just said goodbye or told me we cant be friends. Instead she does this to me. Im not gonna go down like this, and not for her. Even my suffering was more meaningful before her. I hope I dont feel different tomorrow. Sometimes I worrry because when i try to think of her bad traits I admire them. She does stuff I would like to do but dont have the looks or charm to, am I jealous?


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i'm fuarrrking hungry!

curl -L git.io/pizzza


That's depressing as fuarrrk, Roger. I'm not being sarcastic. Falling rain is my favourite sound. It calms my anxiety greatly and reduces my stress. I don't know what I would do if it no longer helped.

> TL;DR abusive instructor at votech makes me and the other students feel like pieces of soykaf.

I go to votech right now and am picking up a couple IT related certs. I have several years experience so I'm really just there so I have time set aside where am forced to study in a structured manner. It's a self paced course so we don't have lectures in the traditional sense, we read a book, watch pre-recorded videos as we need, and then take an exam or two over each chapter/subject.

There's an instructor there who no one really likes all that much. She repeatedly puts down students, talks down to us like we're children (most all students here are in their 20s to 40s) and even goes so far as to literally yell at us and outright call us names and insult us. When asked for help she either avoids the question by rambling about something entirely unrelated or says "you don't need to know that" despite it being on the exam.

Because of my experience, a lot of peers repeatedly come to me for help. There are several other students as well who also have experience and help out because of the issue with said instructor. I was told in class today by her that I shouldn't be helping other students because the instructor "doesn't know what I'm teaching them" and they "teach the course". She then pointed to another student who I used to sit next to before we were moved to make room for more students, had helped many times including with said subject, and told the person I was helping to get help from that student. Because she "had approved that students explanation". The funny thing is I had helped that student as well with the subject previously when I sat next to them.

There's two things I have a passion for in life, it's teaching/helping others and IT. When I'm told by someone that I shouldn't be doing either of things, I'm made to feel like I'm just not good enough when I really am. I know where to draw my line. I know when I don't know, and will admit that. I don't talk out my ass when people ask for help, I will flat out say "I don't know". I've been told by the students I help that they like my explanations, they continue to ask me for help, and have the same complaints about said instructor as I do.

There comes a point when I don't have enough energy to be angry anymore and all I can feel is the hurt feelings underneath. Things like this are repeated weekly with her with many students. There's been very few times I've been so furious I was shaking. She's caused a notable chunk of them.


Holy fuarrrk calculus is annoying. I just spent the past hour trying each problem on this worksheet and had to look up the worked-out solution for each one. That's always a sure sign I'll fail the exam.


I cant ever tell anymore if im making good decisions or bad decisions. Theres no order in my life, nothing i know for certain. I see both sides in everything. and i mean everything. and sometimes i dont know if deep down i truly believe the things im trying to tell myself are true. Ive completely ignored facts intentionally in my brain in favor of something abstract or spiritual. Ive ignored spirituality and the abstract completely and only gone off reason. All i did before really was think the opposite of what people wanted me too or think what no one else was. But then i started to see how thinking the same as everyone else was good maybe.

theres no logic or reason or guiding force in my worldview. I believe what people i like tell me, and what i see with my own eyes. This makes pursuing life goals difficult often. why do i care about earning money or doing whatever id be equally sad there as i would be homeless. I want love, and to love someone again. But i know this isnt what i need, what i need is to grow and find myself. But how with all of the above. I deny facts and believe lies sometimes knowing this, and i trust no one.


spending all day at the computer refreshing the same handful of sites looking for new content is so dissatisfying at the end of they day.
Yet I don't have the endurance to do the other things I like to do continuously.


i wish i had the courage to tell you how much i like you.

i wish i could cry again like i could back when i was 20.


i didnt ever realize how nice being loved was. its crazy before all i wanted was to fuarrrking die young and now id kinda like to meet another girl and have a family and a house to come back to. i miss having a home that makes me feel safe.

i love you all. i like how we all learn from eachother here. its weird how the discussion has evolved almost simultaneously. Its like all our problems suddenly got a lot more interesting.


Holy hell, it is crazy how pervasive politics has become on the internet. I've been going to 4chan again lately, and it's almost unusable due to it. I miss when hobbies could exist in their own spheres. You might say it's a good thing more people are becoming active in politics, but in truth there is no progress at all. Everything is condensed into outrage at what the other side believes. Your political orientation is a personality trait. And this is on every board.

You all already know this, I just felt like venting. Maybe I've just outgrown the site.


my last and first gf was way out of my league. One of my friends basically confirmed this, and everyones told me that i do have a certain look that some people are gonna find attractive and others not, but im not typical attractive. not only was she out of my league we were super super close. and it wasnt a normal relationship either.

i just dont know how im ever gonna be satisfied with another girl when my first was so amazing. every girl that kind of likes me i dont pursue because i think about how much they pale in comparison to her. It isnt fair but i dont know what to say, and im afraid to trust people now and open up. my personality is about the same as my looks some people find it funny others dont, but i havent even been able to shine because ive been down and people stopped inviting me out because they think i want to be alone, or they dont like me anymore now that im not with her. she doesnt get invited anywhere anymore either but shes stronger than i am. People liked us together but not seperately really. it hurts.


>Everything is condensed into outrage at what the other side believes.
I gained more politically valuable information from outraged people than chill careless people. Just FYI


are you yourself chill and careless or outraged when it comes to politics.


I spent my younger years doing well in school so that I could go to a university out of state and escape from my boring neighborhood. When I ended up going to a great school out of state, I found that the rising tuition would offset my father's retirement (mother was sick for as long as I could remember, died, racked up tons of medical bills, and my father worked day and night for years to keep us afloat), and that after a month of being really social, I developed depression/some sort of anxiety disorder being there.

Now I'm going to a cheaper commuter school back home that isn't as financially draining, but doesn't challenge me at all, is filled with unmotivated people, and offers little to no career development options. At the end of the day, making the safer financial/mental decision was the right choice, but it's depressing to know that I worked so hard and my options were limited from the start. I feel like I'll still be successful, but not as much as I could've been if I stayed at my last uni (though there's no telling if my mental health would've improved). It also feels disheartening seeing all of my friends enjoying themselves at their great schools, while I feel zero pride in the one I'm going to.

I feel like my situation could've been way worse-- I had plenty of fun and made many friends at my competitive high school, so it's not as though I only spent my time studying, but still, all the stress to do well seems next to meaningless now. As an aside, my sister went to college, but missed out on a good decade of work to take care of our mother. I even feel bad complaining when she was dealt cards worse than mine.


don't worry, the fact that you transferred from a decent school ought to give you a good chance at grad school assuming you do well if ur so inclined also can finish earlier if you take a higher courseload
i mean that is like kicking dead whales down the beach but u gotta look for where the opportunities are still


I feel like I am nothing. Like nothing I do matters. I'm out of shape like all hell. I just started a job doing base level outsourced phone support for a company but, surprise, it isn't exactly what you would call a high paying job. I still live at home and basically have two friends from school that I occasionally talk to online. However I don't have anyone that I can actually discuss anything with or open up to. I've never been on a date, and honestly wouldn't have any idea how to get one. It feels like I have trouble paying attention to anything save for what interests me at the moment, and have trouble going through a book unless it is something that really grabs my attention. That being said, I don't seem to have the ability to pay attention to anything that would be considered productive, anything that would better me, even if it is something that interests me. The number of times I have tried to restart the same damned thing, and find myself either unable to or distracted by something else is absurd.


i have so much potential. i can do great things in the right hands. i feel like an instrument so convuluted and complex that most see me and would rather pick up the guitar. and those interested me are simply in shock of the scale of me and want me but cant use me properly. i need someone who can beat me into submission and force the talent out of me. someone who can provide the emotional love and physical discipline i need to survive. i cant play myself no matter how hard i try.

i need to be abused to function properly, the stronger and tougher i get the less willing people are to hurt me but i need them to. i need someone who can just beat the soykaf out of me, like my friend used to. she was perfect. when others wont do it for me i just do it to myself so someone might as well. im a broken human being, but i can function. Like a dying supercomputer that only turns on if you give it a good kick.


That's fine, man. It's good people care about issues, but I feel that both sides being shocked about what the other side believes can only be a very bad thing in the long-term. We're all after the same goals, generally, so it's sad to see things have become so divided.


Bad grades are irrelevant, if you have social skills.


Femdom as job coaching? If you have the money to spare there are women who will do it I'm sure.


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I am sick of the expectations of modern society (and my parents!) and of being alone all the time.
I'm thinking of just running off, compulsively flee to a city by the beach, try to get some friends, do something simple to pay the rent and food, and generally just try to enjoy life.
I am certain that will happen, but I have to cut bonds with my parents, and that is the hardest part, especially since through time I've sucked very badly at being self-sufficient.
But indeed I want to go away and burn the bridges, have friends, stop being so reclusive, and see the sun come out for me again. I'm sick of trying to play it safe where the option is to study and then beg for a wageslave position and then live a miserable life all by my own in a heartless city.


People aren't after the same goals at all, hence all the fighting.


Accidentally slept and made a girl fall in love with me while drunk yesterday,m. I don't remember any of that, now she's texting me and turns out it's valentines tomorrow. She doesn't know i'm a weeaboo neet and it was the first time i left the house this year. Should i just ignore her or come clean about this? i feel guilty, have low self-esteem and don't want to capitalize on whatever lies i told her yesterday. she was very pretty



Just hang out with her sober for a little while, get her an autistic, anime related valentine's gift. The problem will take care of itself.


i dont im just a college student unfortunately. my head already was fuarrrked and then my first sexual relationship was violent to the point where i never knew if she was going to hurt me or was trying to do something sexual and she never made it clear at all. but id cut off my legs to be back with her. it made me feel alive


Tell her you were drunk, sure. But not like "I was just drunk kthxbai". More like "let's try this sober next time".


How the hell did you manage to do that


I suppose you're right.

Lately I've felt defeated when encountering politics because there's no way to know what is right. I have a few core beliefs that are based around morality, such as racism is wrong, but past that I can't say. Even if I do research some into a political opinion, it's still built off of the work of smarter and more authoritative people I must assume are right. The vast majority of my political opinions are set according to what other people of my affiliation believe. I could do extensive research into an issue to develop a stance on it, but this is a tall order for someone who is naturally apolitical. If every citizen with the right to vote ought to exercise it, and I decide to vote from my "gut feeling", it'll align pretty closely with the views of people in my environment. If politics reduces to that, then, a nuanced opinion is worth very little. I'm probably overthinking it, but this issue stopped me from voting last election, and I don't think I can go to the polls with confidence until I resolve it.


Voting based off of who you affiliate with and care about is a very good way to vote in my opinion.

The big issue I see in politics right now, and maybe its due to how connected we all are now, is that every person has this abstract idea of how the entire world and all of humanity should be run instead of worrying about themselves and the people near them. I think if everyone puts what is best for them as first priority (not the only priority of course) and extends some compassion (as oppose to judgement or condemning how other people might live their personal lives) things will eventually fall into place and people will learn to agree to disagree again. Im not saying if something you dont like is going on you should condone it, rather dont condone it. But dont feel like it is your responsibility to convinve everyone how terrible it is and eradicate it. You are only in control of yourself in the end.


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Best of luck to you Lain, I wish I had the courage to do the same.


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I am tired of being tired mostly.
There are plenty of things I enjoy doing but I just do not have the energy or ambition to do them anymore. Although I am still young, some days I feel older than I am.

Emotionally I feel I am losing a battle with myself, but most of the time I have been able to ignore it. Some days my restraint is broken, usually leading to unpleasant results for myself and those around me. Probably a pretty common theme around here.


I'm about to do the same, getting an apartment next week and starting a simple job to make ends meet my boss will be an old friend and he will teach me PHP and political theory. I'm also hanging out with a bunch of artists that will teach me acting and music.

My parents are poking me for information of what I'm gonna do but I don't want to budge and tell them because they wont approve and I just told them that I don't have the will or disposition to talk to them about my plans because there isn't trust in our relationship and that I'm moving out on monday and that is that.


I'm 25 and just got diagnosed with ADHD. After a lifetime of poor focus, misused intelligence, and repeated failures, I'm desperately hoping against hope that the meds will make me a functional person.

I spent thirteen years reading about my "potential" on my report cards. I want them to have been right.


i met a girl a few months ago, she was really great and she really cared about me a lot and i really cared about her. we talked for about a month before we got together and the reason that i asked her out was because she seemed really lost and i was really lost too so i figured it'd be perfect. i finally asked her and she accepted and we were together for one week, i broke up with her, i couldn't handle anything, i couldn't handle the thought of someone relying on me i couldn't take the feeling of being cared for and i broke up with her like a goddamn idiot. it's not i had any real reason to, she really cared she would leave her house and just sit with me, just sit with me for hours and tell me she'd be there and she did everything she could to help me and i did nothing for her and i was just a jerk and broke up with her because i couldn't handle anything. i can't do anything about it now but i continually want relationships and i rarely ever actually have any courage to do anything and the one time i actually do i just ruin it and just break everything i touch before i even know what's happening


It isnt your fault, the fact is, and you wont want to believe this, is that you guys probably werent compatible. There is a reason you couldnt handle all that responsibility and its because to you she felt like a responsibility. You said you guys were both lost and that would make you good for eachother but that isnt necessarily true. The best kind of person for someone whos lost is someone who knows what they are doing. People who know like to tell and people who dont like to listen, its perfect.

Shed sit with you and say shed do anything but did she ever/often or just wait for you to say something back? You probably need someone who wont just sit with you but will make you stand and do stuff. Someone you arent afraid of hurting, and someone who can hande themselves. If they can handle more than themselves even better.

im just speculating a lot off of your post but consider it.


i just told her i'm too depressed for this soykaf, we're cool now. i can go back to being a loser


I have a hard time with ideas. I swing wildly between being very caring and passionate about an issue to being totally apathetic to the entire world. I can argue a point on an okay level on paper but face to face I stunble and trip over my words.

Aside from that I feel very lonely. I have no close friends and of course no girlfriend. I've become a very distant person. I can see myself alone and in the same state in thirty years.

Living makes me tired. I like to think about an apocalypse. A grand event that kills everyone so wr can all rest. That's all I want anyways, just to rest and sleep alone in my bed for the rest of time.


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Here's your consolation prize: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hyperfocus

It might take a couple years of searching, but spend some real time figuring out how and where to apply it and you'll be good.

Throughout 90% of human history people like you have been doing impossible things.


some days im fine with her being gone. Other days i really miss her and i miss my friends and the good times i had. I have trouble sleeping and eating these days. its funny I remember us talking about how wed get a house together and name our kids after eachother. i guess il be living alone now.

but i still talk to her in my head sometimes. when im at my lowest i can hear her telling me to get the fuarrrk up, or asking me why im crying im supposed to be a man. I never met someone before who pushed me to be a better version of myself. I wonder how much stronger id be if she stayed.


my crush likes me back, but I'm in a monogamous relationship


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I almost fought someone today because he had been ridiculing me behind my back. I told him to say it to my face, he told me he shouldn't have to because I'm beneath him. This man wields much more social capital than I do, so I'm fearful for my connections. Especially those with higher ups. Being an honest professional only gets you so far, and I feel stupid for thinking that I'd never need any allies to defend me in this sort of situation. My credibility is going to be destroyed, and I'll be compartmentalized. Being a good person is not self-apparent.


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On the bright side I found out that the tiny girl working at the book store is single, and I plan on getting her number the next time I need some new reading material; which will be soon.


I'm not intelligent enough to get a STEM degree. This has been a hard realization and I'm not sure what to do next in life. I can't be wasting time in college anymore for this though, I need to figure this out soon and I have no idea what to do.



Maybe a dumb question, but have you tried getting a tutor? Not everyone can learn in a classroom environment. Maybe it's just a matter of having things explained to you again in a different way.


I finally understand "evil" or "mean" people. After being used and abused I just dont feel that bad for people anymore. I was depressed and messed up before she started fuarrrking with me, so if I survived they can too. I dont feel bad about using people and I never will. It makes me happy almost the idea of making someone suffer through that, like im passing it along or relieving the burden/tension. No one will fuarrrk me over like that again and I will be the one fuarrrking people over.


I'd really like to meet a guy but I suck at the gay scene (and I'm bone skinny). Also I feel like I've outgrown the city I live in.


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I've got this awful habit of cyberstalking the people I'm interested in. I want to fuarrrking stop but it's so easy to do and it scratches this creepy part of my brain that enjoys this soykaf. Most people don't bother with facebook privacy settings and if they've got other social media accounts they're usually really easy to find. I literally found someone's porn tumblr attached to their twitter account with their real fuarrrking name. Seriously?

The lack of "real world" consequences (I have never been "caught" and it'd be pretty unlikely that I ever will because of how I do it) somehow justify this in my brain but I know it's wrong. Not only is it creepy, it usually puts me in some stupid mindset because of info I shouldn't know. Chatting with the person whose tumblr I found was a constant game of "should I know this?"

It's not even limited to people I'm already speaking with, I'll look up people I like in my classes to find out more about them. The excuse I tell myself is that I'll save myself the embarrassment if I find they're taken or not interested in people of my sexual persuasion, but that's never how it turns out. Most people wont put a relationship on their profile unless it's Über serious and I'm 99% sure that "Interested in men/women/etc" only shows up if you're friends with them. Looking them up only ever goes two ways: I'll see things on their profile that are different from how I perceive them in class and think "oh, they'd never like me" and I don't even give myself the chance. Alternatively, I'll see they're "my type" and become more attracted to them as well as develop a silly attachment so that if I work up the courage to ask them out (assuming I don't psyche myself out over them being "perfect" and me being a creep) it'll feel awful.

These repeated consequences are becoming extremely apparent to but I still do it. Hopefully this admission of guilt helps me a bit by serving as a wakeup call.

As a recent example there's this cute person in one of my classes that's been sort of friendly with me and I think I've noticed a few other things but I looked her up and her profile suggests she might not be interested in me. Should I go for it?


Isn't sucking at the gay scene a good thing? Present Day, Present Time! AHAHAHAHAHA!


stupid ass language enhancers


Stop using stupid ass emoticons.


I have but I just can't make it. It's really hard to come to terms since my father owns an extremely successful engineering company and has a masters while my mother also has a masters in STEM. Everything about the modern school format isn't compatible with how I think and there aren't apprenticeships for engineers or biologists, you just have to hack it through the class BS which I genuinely can't do. I've got some money saved so I think I'm going to just go on an adventure to the other side of the world while I try to figure things out. I can't keep wasting my life like how I am now.


File: 1487295665750.png (416.97 KB, 200x113, wake-up.jpg)

So do you prefer hands-on learning? Perhaps you'd be better suited to working as a machinist or technologist?

One example of biology you could get into without the rote academic content or structure would be permaculture. Yes, there are theoretical aspects to it but it's much better demonstrated in practice; almost pointless to apply in a lab environment because permaculture is generally not employed indoors.

Does it really matter at all what your parents do? They're not you. You have your own life to live.


Yes, I'm a hands on learner. I was a helicopter mechanic in the army but it's been so long that it would be next to impossible to get back into aviation. The job market for blue collar jobs here is nonexistent so at the very least I'm going to have to move. I know I shouldn't compare myself to my parents or siblings but it's hard not to when I'm the only one not achieving anything. Permaculture seems interesting but not a real possibility. Anyways, thanks for replying lain.


Wow. You sound like me breaking with my girlfriend three years ago. Yesterday I saw her, still hurts like hell. Every mistake from the pass still haunts me to this day.


Go for it. Life is about experience they say. I guess a lot of us have their habits - so do I, but it doesn't make us worse. Sometimes people are different online than irl so you shouldn't judge them by their profiles and accounts.


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I cut myself off from a group I've been involved with for a few years. The group exploded into 5 separate smaller subgroups the end of last year, one of which I accepted to take charge of as admin. One subgroup is actually well established and growing. I hope for nothing but the best for them. The other three stagnated, owing to community management. Mine grew into the designated soykafting street/barrel of nitroglycerin of subgroups.

When I started writing this post, I wanted to describe the problem members as being "self-flagellating narcissists" (woe is me, woe is me, my problems are unique and totally not within my power to fix). It doesn't matter what it's called as far as I'm concerned, since it's attention seeking behavior. Cluster B can kiss the darkest part of my lily-white asshole. These people are only good for burning out therapists and the people around them. The only people that can help them are themselves. I can't stop that you're killing yourself with alcohol, obsessing over political horsesoykaf with a massive chip on your shoulder. To another; I can't help that you're a fuarrrking annoying belligerent cunt, maybe that has something to do with your stagnation problem.

15 people, some moderators and admins from the other subgroups, competing in a miniature version of the victim olympics. The web of relationships was convoluted and the hatred for each other was palpable. Looking back on it, not a mystery why the single large group broke up. All the while, the only thing they could think to do was suck up to me, either trying to gain moderator status, or to persuade me into removing members for being problematic. That was my group.

I feel ashamed, embarrassed, that I couldn't do anything to quell it that wouldn't turn it into an echo chamber. They can have at it without me and kill it themselves now. I could have put a more sensible person in charge as admin, someone that would have tried to hold everything together. Maybe, through a fuarrrking miracle, sort out the issues between members even. But having looked at in every way I could, it was an irredeemable festering cesspit. My last act as admin being lighting the fuse to set that motherfucker off. I appointed the previous admin's pet bootlicker without warning, I posted a couple rambling sentences about my health that they could have interpreted any way they'd liked, then left.

In the beginning it was a comfy get together with a couple pals brewing soykaf about tech, playing pirated video games. I haven't lost all contact with the good ones yet. I'll tell them why I left eventually. I hope this drama doesn't end up spilling over into the one subgroup that actually managed to make a name for itself. Really, I seriously hope I didn't doom those bastards doing what I did. If they're smart, they'll know enough to not give these assholes a single picometer into their territory, or an iota of attention. It feels good to be gone from that fuarrrk-hole.


I am beginning to observe my own selfishness. I've isolated myself, moved away from friends, and I haven't put in effort make/find new ones.

Addiction to edgyness leaves me distant. I need to let go of ego and abandon fear and give my self to others with kindness.


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The ego has us come to this world to try to control it. The unbonded nature of our real self and the bounded, rule-based nature of this world is what makes un believe that we can indeed be kings of this world. Thus we attach ourselves to the world, and the deceipt has taken place.
We /want/ to be kings, and in so we attach our perception of ourselves to that which we want to rule, that is, the material nature. Indeed we can master aspects of this nature, but we can only do so in rediscovering ourselves and detaching ourselves from it. Only in letting go we find ourselves at ease.
So our ego, inmersed in this matter, loses the sense of who we really are, and now must try and make sense of this world, always trying to be the master of that which it finds. It thus clings to an identity, but that identity is, as our experience as entities inmersed in this world grows, merely reliant on the external circumstances of our passage through this world, life after life. The ego then just tries to coerce us into being this cloth-cut personae, but our nature is unlimited, and we cannot be fit in this character, moreover, we have lost our perceptions of ourselves, this "identity" is misguided and is just an idealization based on our senses.
In clinging to the material nature, the ego tries to make an ideal environment for us to adopt this cloth-cut identity which we have idealized for itself, thus it clings to all sorts of external circumstances which, according to the ever deceiving, will-of-the-wisp like nature of material affairs, will be "just right" for us to reach our desired goal. But our desired goal and the world in which we live is but a prison, and our neverending attempts to reach our ideal environment will never arrive, we are trying to hold the ever changing nature of things, while also trying, so to speak, to fly free in a little cage.
The only true meditation involves forgetting our ourselves, of this idealization of ourselves, and in the true manifestation of our nature through a funneled activity, in which we can deploy our creativity. Only thus mastery can be achieved, and such mastery implies the ultimate goal, of helping us find ourselves when we have lost ourselvese in this pitch black labyrinth which is life.
Sorry this suddenly springed in my mind and I had to put it somewhere before it faded.


I want to lose weight but there's so little to do for fun now that I can't help but eat.


A year ago today the girl who talked me out of killing myself killed herself. I knew her from a psych hospital and nobody I know outside of the hospital knew her, so this is me saying rip keileigh, I miss you.



Just after I made this post, got a call my friend just got shot by police. He was skateboarding in a parking lot, a security officer took his board, he tried to grabbing it back, patrol car rolls up, he runs and they shoot him.

Worst part is nobody is going to care. He had been in jail twice and the dude he was with had a gun.
>inb4 nigger deserved it
I honestly don't care at this point lain; I just wan't my friends to stop dying.


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Politics discourse is simply too cancerous to participate in right now. I have very little faith that Trump is going to bring out some massive social revolution, and it's impossible to actual talk about him without the conversation turning him into the next incarnation of Hitler or worship him like a god. The latter group are all over the internet and I suspect most likely none of them actually don't actually care to talk about anything he says, they just love the fact that he pisses off the left. And it's not like I have my criticisms of the left, but it's just so damn obvious a lot of these are just trolls who aren't really interested in an conversation. Even during the 2012 elections things weren't this bad.

Maybe it's me that has changed. It feels like everything about politics is so, I dunno, predictable. It's no longer enlightening to talk about. I know it's probably time for me to just find something else to be interested in, but I don't know what. I know I need to stop thinking about politics that and philosophy that, but it's kinda been a huge part of my life and just letting go of it is rather hard. But seeing how it's affecting my own physical health, I know it's ultimately for the better for me to do so. I just wish I could find something to be passionate about again.

I could get back into things like video games and anime, but I feel like those things are "below" me right now, but I know that's just my own ego talking, and it's just the process of me trying to let go of everything.


Politics is soykaf, but ethical discussion remains vital to fixing problems. News and mainstream politics is mainly gossip about leaders, rarely ever discussion that should happen. We should be having coherent arguments against the death penalty, for abortion, for euthanasia, for eliminating mental illness discrimination, for clean-energy, and for secular government. Mainstream politics is based on attitude or blind ideology rather than objectivity. Hate millenials? You belong on the right!

I can't find many issues with the arguments for equality or equity principles. Mainly, I just see naive kids being dumbasses, which Republicans hate. Trump's antimedia propaganda is his most effective rhetoric. It allowed him to win the election. While televised lies is a major issue, the media still argues the correct side. Trump, unlike Obama or Bush, is easier to point out as lying. Many of his voters are aware he's bullsoykafting, but they argue it's pragmatic. Also, he will fix the economy.

However, it's blatant this opinion is hypocritical. No lying by anyone should be tolerated, ever. Every fuarrrking politician or news person should be held accountable for misleading thousands.

Economically, Trump's plan is accomplished by widening the rich-poor gap. Like Reaganomics, he's giving his rich friends what they want: more money. He has invented anti-EPA propaganda, stigmatized the mentally disordered (autism vaccines), defunded government equity/security programs to execute his agenda. Republican president repeatedly do this "bankers appeasement" thing only to increase the debt when their term finishes. Trump is a fraud. fuarrrk him.


no thats fuarrrked. fuarrrker gets shot over a skateboard thats completely fuarrrked.

also funny the girl that talked me out of killing myself in a way slowly is turning out to not be the kind of person i thought she was. its weird having someone you saw as so strong just kind of fuarrrking drop out on you, it doesn't make me feel good. kinda directionless.


im going home tomorrow for a few days for my moms birthday. i spent the day with a few friends, the outcasts from all my past groups i was in. I outcasted both of these people, and in the end i was the one thrown aside from my best friend and love. my phones dead, i wont even be able to get the text from the people coming to take me to the airport. i mean hopefully my phone unfucks itself and i have peoples phones i can borrow, but honestly im just thinking about killing myself.

talking to these people was an experience. it made me sad, i thought about the past. back to when i didnt even know i used to be so innocent. not innocent in mind maybe but i knew so much less about the nature of people, and things just affected me less. i can put myself back in that resturaunt with all these people, and i see our relationships unfold and its horrifying. people i could have never crossed paths with, bad things that never had to happen, good things that easily couldnt have happened. i wont ever love someone that much again. this might sound pretty conceited, but i hadnt ever met someone i thought was more interesting than myself till i met her. theres plenty of people who cant figure me out, but she did yet i never figured out her. she figured me out better than i figured me out at the time.

im real sick of talking about this, and people are sick of hearing about it. unfortunately my mind just keeps turning it over and isnt ever satisfied with what happened. so i continue to just leak all over, i leak my problems everywhere now hoping someone can help me figure out what happened and work through it. but to be honest, my brain knows theres only one person more qualified than me to solve this problem, and its the one who caused it. i know her pretty well, she would probably say "fuarrrk that bitch" or tell me to stop being a pussy. thats pretty funny i guess, but because its not actually coming from her i cant. it never will come from her.

something else funny. one day im gonna be having a good time and get killed, and think back to all these times i thought about killing myself or wished i was dead and laugh. it doesnt seem like many suicidal people die of anything besides suicide. its like some unspoken rule of the universe that when the going finally gets good your time is up. im really really going to kick myself for these posts. i wonder why i and other people want witnesses, because i know thats why i post and tell people my problems. i want people to bear witness. my brain isnt working enough to tell me if thats selfish or theres something wrong with that.


Girl might have her own reasons to help you, be it sympathy, conscience or general good will. Now that you are hopefully stable, her job is done. You might get attached to people but they have their own lives/goals/etc so say to yourself "Welp, I'll find my own direction now" and move on.

Easier said than done though.


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I feel like Lain right now. Somebody I used to be friends with believes I am spreading foul rumors about them..and I'm afraid there's no chance of undoing the damage caused by these circumstances. I don't know what to do anymore. Have no clue who started spewing these lies about me outside my range of awareness. I don't even leave my home so it's impossible to claim I was the source. Anyways, I'm apparently ruining this person's life and the worst part is I can't stop these comments from interconnecting. I feel useless over the fact that I have no control whatsoever. Maybe I should just shut myself out from the world further if reality is so unfair and frightening. I don't want to deal with these unnecessary dilemmas anymore, I'm exhausted. There's no point in attempting to establish closer bonds with people if I am going to unintentionally hurt them because of my mere existence. I am convinced I've been cursed live a lonely life.


i broke up with a boy with whom i've been in love for 3 or 4 years. Turns out he wasn't as gay as i though he was. Never fall for straight/bi-women-leaning people kids, it'll fuarrrk you up.


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am sorry for that =/

what'd he do to "cause a problem", though?

bi people exist too...

it's not like we can't love people. are just certain passing feelings sometimes, is all


bi are okay in my opinion though, i am just way more wary of bi-straight-leaning ones.
And it's not like I didn't know what i was going into either, he kept repeating that he loves me, but dislikes my body.