Lately, I've become increasingly uninterested in sustaining and/or improving myself at all.
Throughout the last year, I have gone from being the strongest person around me by far, to the weakest person around me by far. In a way, I feel shadowed by my past personality, one that was filled with passion, drive, and relentlessness, and wonder what the me then would say to the me now.
Every day, I spend 10-12 hours sleeping, 8-10 hours half-assedly on the computer, and the rest lying down staring out the window or at the ceiling. To some this would seem like a fine life, but nearly everything is missing any semblance of interest or passion.
I think about all my hobbies, pursuits, and crafts I've invested my life into, and I see no reason to continue them or do anything new. It's as if, for the first time, I really understand on a fundamental level, that the ego, the desire for self-preservation, is just a program that people give power by choosing to believe in it. Looking back, It was something I certainly believed in throughout my life, up until recent, that there was some sort of intrinsic value in doing things for the sake of (improving/helping/sustaining) oneself.
Looking back, almost every good thing I've done in my life was followed by pain and disappointment. Every accomplishment, success, progression, and triumph that others envied of me was another lesson that hard work and great rewards are ultimately unsatisfying.
Every ounce of intelligence in my body looks at the evidence, all the experiences and history stored in my mental catalog, and says that self-preservation and improvement is an illogical and counter-intuitive mission. The motives that compelled me for my entire life are crumbling, because I never before questioned why I should care about myself. In the past, I always instinctively knew it 'made sense' to do good for oneself, because I subconsciously believed it so.
I have worded every aforementioned sentence as carefully and honestly as I can. I don't want to drown in emptiness, I'm just asking for help from anyone who may have felt they've been in a similar place.
I don't know how things got this way, from so so so high to so low. Many aspects of my life are in decline and I want to learn to care about myself again before it's too late. Thank you dearly to anyone reading this. I appreciate your attention
I feel very similar to you. In the past I had many different hobbies and was full of energy but now I'm just sleeping or wasting time in front of computer. When I wake up i can't really find any reason to get up from bed so I'm just lying for hours. I would really like to do something but simply thinking about doing and all that effort it needs scares me. I'm not able to set any long term goals because it looks like I need instant result and reward wich might be the result of spending too much time on the internet in the past. I feel like I'm in some sort of limbo, constantly waiting for something but don't really know what it is.
I'm trying to change some things about it as the new year seems to be a good time for this but it's really hard to do anything else then sitting in front o the screen and watching some soykaf.
Anyway good luck lainon . I hope you will get better and go back to living again.
First of, reward won't always come instantly to you.
Second... Keep in mind that we humans are absolutely not logical beings. At average most humans are semi logical beings.
We people that are heavily invested in logical sciences like STEM tend to make the mistake of observing ourselves, life and others only from a logical POV.
However our understanding of the brain, conscience and psychology is still far too weak to try to think of any of it in terms of a logical state machine. Our brain and psychology are still too much of a black box. Therefore you can't reliably(99% of certainty) think of humans as 'If A(input) happens person B(state machine) will have thought C(output)'.
Third, was your subconscious wish for self improvement existing because you wanted to do it for yourself or did you really just want to impress others? I didn't ever live a life full of self improvement, but whenever I did, I did it only for myself and only in ways which I wanted. Some people would even think of many of those improvements I did as degradation.
Basically I self improved but only by basically doing whatever I wanted anyways. fuarrrk DISCIPLINE anyways. I am WHIMSICAL and I love it.
Fourth, personally and this might just be me, I want my life to be fun, not partying every night fun, but fun in a way that when I turn 70 I can say my life was an interesting story. Therefore I often treat the world as a stage and I think of myself and everyone else as an actor on that stage. And sometimes I do need self improvement for that, But as I said, only when my whim wants it. It also requires me to set some long term goals.
People who don't think too much about the world because they just don't have time often develop some sort of dual view. Things like "rational and emotional", "christian and atheist", "left or right", "rich or poor", "ignorant mass and 1337", "purpose and nihilists", "winners and losers", basically anything that fits the template of ME/US and THE REST. When they start to think a lot about the world, they sometimes find circularity or flaws in their reasons, or a source of motivation goes missing, thus their worldview somehow fails; at this point most people usually assume the other to be true, feel tired because there's no justice, or purpose, or the enemy has won, whatever. They then stay inside their head and sometimes also at home, thinking a lot more about stuff; eventually the "other view" also breaks down, at which point they either switch a few more rounds between the two, or abandon the whole framework.
All of this is however somewhat irrelevant; the world is bigger than the abstractions, more complicated than its subset (people), and so the best you'll ever get is incomplete theories or small, local, but good "knowledge". You can keep looking for an answer, keep trying to understand and find reasons and whatnot; conclusions ain't gonna be bullet-proof, there's always a kind of situation or unexpected event that can ruin them. If such a local/temporary answer is enough, go find it! There's lots of people everywhere offering all sorts of such answers, choose or make one yourself. You could also try to _just do it_ as in do first and think second, hopefully getting lost in some activity. People guess things right all the time, you don't need to make absolutely sure that this or that is the right thing before doing it. That's something only philosophers do and they do it forever, and since they never actually act they don't get to reflect on things they've never done, skipping some of the perspective.
logic and reason isn't everything. if you think logic and reason is everything eventually through logic and reason you still find out that logic and reason isn't everything.
sometimes you must live because you just know you should instinctually. good books were never written about people with happy lives, they were written about people who struggled and more often than not those who in the end failed struggling. but at least their lives were beautiful in retrospect.
Maybe this isn't what you need, but I highly recommend Anthony Robbins (AKA Tony Robbins) and his life coaching tapes or books. They're easy to find whether you'd like to purchase them or not. The guy has a nice voice, is pretty funny, and overall is very enjoyable to listen to.
I recently got the guys 30-day program "Personal Power II" as a gift, it's 40 minutes of lecture per day and some short "life journal" exercises every day. I'm on the 7th CD, and my outlining of certain patterns of pain avoidance and the pleasure I want to get in life has been pretty insightful. What's more is that "avoiding pain and getting pleasure" is just a few days, and he covers a very wide range of helpful personal topics.
Even after the 5th day, I asked a qt to hang out this weekend, after spending a whole fuarrrking 2 years self-sabotaging, and feeling like the worst scum of the earth for ruining my previous relationship that only lasted 3 weeks, among other things.
My change in emotion has been pretty enjoyable and I look forward to the end of the program when my immense personal power allows me to melt steel with a beaming smile, and to pierce hardened kevlar plates with a passing glance. Hopefully you can get some good out of it too.
I know how you feel. I get that it's a bit of a meme, but antidepressants really helped/help me. There was a time last winter when I was about ready to do something that I'd regret, everything felt so desperately hopeless and the same. I told a friend and I went to a dr, it helped a lot.
Maybe it's a placebo, but it worked pretty well for me. I feel a lot more spry, I have more energy, and I generally enjoy life (even if my life is pretty pathetic) a lot more.